Stupid Joke Thread!

[BongoYodeler]

Date: I think we’ve actually met before
Picasso: Sorry, I’m not good with faces...

 

[BongoYodeler]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected prime minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.

 

[soccerdad]

The difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket ???

A pickpocket snatches watches.

 

[Tyler B]

The difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket ???

A pickpocket snatches watches.

Took me a second but I figured it out... Good one!

 

[Tyler B]

My daughter just told me this one...

Waitres: Comfortable, sir?

Man: No no, comeforfood.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[csantoni]

What can you say about someone who can get food to go but can’t serve it once he gets home?


He can take it out, but he can’t dish it.

 

[soccerdad]

Potential client to lawyer: "What is your least expensive fee for service?"
Lawyer: "Three questions for $50."
Client: "Wow! 3 questions for $50. Isn't that kind of steep?"
Lawyer: "Yes. What is your final question?"

 

[Falstaff]

Blue Moon Belgian "White"

 

[Abrayton]

My annual classroom psychology unit joke:

According to biological psychologists, what do personality and diarrhea have in common?

They both run in your genes!

I always expect way more laughs than I get.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

This post over on the "What I Did for Beer Today" thread reminded me of a joke:

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar, and each orders a pint. The bartender sets the three pints on the bar, and by some weird coincidence, three flies land, one in each drink.

The Englishman pushes his glass away and orders another pint.

The Scot fishes the fly out, shakes off his wet fingers, and takes a drink.

The Irishman fishes the fly out, begins shaking it over the glass, and shouts: "SPIT IT OUT YOU BLOODY &@$^@&#!"

 

[balrog]

This post over on the "What I Did for Beer Today" thread reminded me of a joke:

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar, and each orders a pint. The bartender sets the three pints on the bar, and by some weird coincidence, three flies land, one in each drink.

The Englishman pushes his glass away and orders another pint.

The Scot fishes the fly out, shakes off his wet fingers, and takes a drink.

The Irishman fishes the fly out, begins shaking it over the glass, and shouts: "SPIT IT OUT YOU BLOODY &@$^@&#!"

my Scotch ancestral brother in law tells it switching the Irish w the stereotypically cheap Scotsman saying “spit it ooot ya wee bastard!”

 

[BongoYodeler]

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay........for the 22nd time.

 

[McMullan]

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?


People don't cry when you cut up a banjo

 

[McMullan]

What do you call a 3-legged donkey?


A wonky

 

[McMullan]

3 Dawg Night, it's the 'Stupid Joke Thread!'. I have the upmost respect for all stringed instruments, including the banjo Nor will I be cutting a leg off a donkey

 

[soccerdad]

It's a banjer.

 

[Sailingeric]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[freshman brewer]

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?


People don't cry when you cut up a banjo

I registered just to reply to this
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of a## that makes your eyes tear.
OK, moving to the brewing section

 

[freshman brewer]

The difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket ???

A pickpocket snatches watches.

reminds me of another one-
Difference between a whor- house and a 3 ring circus?
3 ring circus is a cunning array of stunts.

Not sure if this goes against the rules. Will find out when I wake up

 

[ba-brewer]

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?


People don't cry when you cut up a banjo

3 Dawg Night, it's the 'Stupid Joke Thread!'. I have the upmost respect for all stringed instruments, including the banjo Nor will I be cutting a leg off a donkey

I heard that joke in the video you posted. I think the guy told the punchline wrong, might make more sense if he had said "People don't cry when someone is cuttin' up on a banjo".

edit: cuttin' up as fooling around or having fun

 

[ba-brewer]

What do you call a teacher that does not fart in public?
A private tooter.

 

[soccerdad]

"Orion's Belt is nothing but a waist of space."

Not a great joke .. only 3 stars.

 

[balrog]

 

[GrogNerd]

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word.

 

[ncbrewer]

A Spanish magician told the audience he would disappear on the count of three. He counted "uno...dos" and disappeared without a tres.

My grandson told me that one.

 

[Abrayton]

Why was the little strawberry upset? Because his parents were in a jam.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

 

[soccerdad]

I'll be making a Helles with my Coptic neighbor.

A helicoptic.

 

[soccerdad]

I like cooking my family and my pets.

Use commas. Don't be a psycho.

Yes. Punctuation counts.
Do not write: I'm giving up drinking until after Chistmas.
Instead, write: I'm giving up. Drinking until after Christmas.

 

[enkamania]

The inventor of autocorrect has passed away. His funnel is tomato. May he roast in piss.

 

[Kee]

My annual classroom psychology unit joke:

According to biological psychologists, what do personality and diarrhea have in common?

They both run in your genes!

I always expect way more laughs than I get.

Two strict behavioral psychologists (who limit their study to observable behavior, ignoring internal processes, such as emotion) have sex. Shortly after, the woman looks over at the man and asks: "Was it good for me?"

 

[Drewch]

Found this one online .... seasonally appropriate:

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we’ll go places!

 

[CKuhns]

Why did the football coach want a refund?
He wanted his quarter back.


What do you call a sleepiing bull?
A bulldozer.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

Why was the snowman looking through a box of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

 

[balrog]

Nothing since 12/18??!!

 

[501irishred]

How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.

 

[GrogNerd]

difference between a hamster & a gerbil?

gerbil has more white meat

 

[balrog]

difference between violin and viola?



Viola burns longer.