Stupid Joke Thread!

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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk and appeared to fall over any secon.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
Guy and his dog walk into a bar.
Bartender says that dogs aren't allowed.
Guy says, "But this just isn't any old dog. This dog is special- he can talk!"
Bartender is of course skeptical but kinda amused, so he says, "Tell you what- if that dog can talk, y'all can stay. If he can't, I'm gonna beat you up and toss you both into the dumpster."
Guy agrees, looks at his dog and says, "Hey dog, how does a tree feel?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "Hear that? I told you my dog could talk. He said that a tree feels rough."
Guy can see that the bartender isn't impressed, so he says, "I'll prove it again. Hey dog, what's on top of a house?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "See, he did it again. He said that a house has a roof on top."
Bartender is getting annoyed, so the guy asks for one last chance. Guy says, "Hey dog, who's the greatest Yankee of all time?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "See? He really can talk. He said that Babe Ruth is the greatest Yankee of all time."
Now the bartender has had enough, so he beats up the guy, grabs 'em both and tosses them into the dumpster.
In the dumpster the guy and his dog emerge covered in garbage. The guy leers and curses at the dog, who says, "What?! Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"
 
Bunch of us 14yr old Boy Scouts were sitting in the platform tent at the start of a week of scout camp with one boy's father just talking, when someone else came in to join us and they stepped on the loose floorboard. One of the boys said "watch it, that's our booby trap". The dad replied, "you've got a lot to learn about boobies".

We laughed until we cried.

Some of us are still laughing, years later.
 
balrog said:
Bunch of us 14yr old Boy Scouts were sitting in the platform tent at the start of a week of scout camp with one boy's father just talking, when someone else came in to join us and they stepped on the loose floorboard. One of the boys said "watch it, that's our booby trap". The dad replied, "you've got a lot to learn about boobies".

We laughed until we cried.

Some of us are still laughing, years later.
Click to expand...
[And yes, we still have a lot to learn about boobies]
 
balrog said:
Bunch of us 14yr old Boy Scouts were sitting in the platform tent at the start of a week of scout camp with one boy's father just talking, when someone else came in to join us and they stepped on the loose floorboard. One of the boys said "watch it, that's our booby trap". The dad replied, "you've got a lot to learn about boobies".

We laughed until we cried.

Some of us are still laughing, years later.
Click to expand...
Sounds like one of those Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts.
 
Sailingeric said:

Judge: "Please spell your first name for the recorder"​

Me: " 'A', 'L', 'F',......'A', 'R', 'T',.....'F', 'R', 'E', 'D' " Judge: "Your first name is 'Alfartfred'?" Me: "No sir, it's pronounced "Alfred". The fart is silent."
I know, this one stinks.
Click to expand...


What do you do when you bag a fart in 2016, so that you can share the unboxing on youtube? crack a joke like that!
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
Joe and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Joe headed home frustrated.

The following week when Joe's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Joe.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold homebrew, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Joe?"
"I didn't have to," Joe replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,'
So, Here I am!"
 
Kee said:
Two women were having drinks when one confesses. "Honestly, I am so afraid of getting pregnant that I don't enjoy sex like I used to.
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy", said the other.
"Yes, he does. That's why I am so worried about getting pregnant".
Click to expand...


that's bad....
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker stepped up next to me, grabbed my drink, and gulped it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about this?", he says, menacingly, as I started to burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting so my boss fired me today. Then I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. Got home and found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to my life, I bought a drink, dropped a capsule of cyanide in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 

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