GrogNerd
mean old man
why don't girls drink beer on the beach?
no one likes sand in their Schlitz
no one likes sand in their Schlitz
Stupid Joke Thread!
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I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.
I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere
AkTom
Well-Known Member
They opened a new restaurant in town. It’s called Karma. There’s no menu, you get what you deserve!
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. If you took it away, you would have nothing left but gravy.
Why are there pop tarts but never mom tarts?
Because of the pastry-archy.
I came home to find my son had been on eBay all day. I think I need to lower the price.
Did you know that garbage men don't get any actual training? Apparently, they just pick things up as they go along.
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Pre means before. Post means after. To use both prefixes together would be preposterous.
i could make a joke about jocks, but then you'd lear at me?
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What others read: history! archeology! time capsule!
What I read:
"Sloth Tracheas" would be a GREAT name for a rock band.
What I read:
"Sloth Tracheas" would be a GREAT name for a rock band.
FloppyKnockers
Well-Known Member
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde had the password: "MickeyMinnieHueyDeweyLouiePlutoDonaldGoofySacramento". When asked why she chose that as a password, she said she was told that it had to be eight characters long and include a capital.
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was at home alone, taking a bath. All of a sudden, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Walking down the hall at work one night, I passed a banana split, an apple pie, and a chocolate cake. It looked like the corridors were strangely desserted.
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. But it's a light sentence.
Art Teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
Picasso: *running in* Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?
Picasso: *running in* Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?
Manure spreaders are the only piece of equipment John Deere won’t stand behind.
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The Norwegians are barcoding their ships. So when they return to port, they can scan the Navy in.
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The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. The chick peas can only hummus one.
A 65 year old man went to the doctor? After the examination the doctor said, "Clyde, you're in remarkable shape. I don't even have any suggestions. Just curious, how old was your father when he passed away?"
Clyde surprised responded, "What, my father died?"
The doctor replied, "No, I just figured at your age, but I'm not surprised. How old is he?"
Clyde quipped, "He's 85."
Doc said,, "OK, how old was your grandfather when he passed?"
Clyde, with another look of surprise asks, "What, papaw died?"
The doctor is incredulous. "You're grandfather is alive too, amazing. How old is he?"
Well, he's 105 and he's why I'm getting my physical. I have to fly out to his wedding. He's marrying a 25 year old."
Doc intrigued now asked, "Why in the world would a 105 year old want to marry at 25 year old?"
Clyde said with a wry smile, "Who says he WANTED to?"
Clyde surprised responded, "What, my father died?"
The doctor replied, "No, I just figured at your age, but I'm not surprised. How old is he?"
Clyde quipped, "He's 85."
Doc said,, "OK, how old was your grandfather when he passed?"
Clyde, with another look of surprise asks, "What, papaw died?"
The doctor is incredulous. "You're grandfather is alive too, amazing. How old is he?"
Well, he's 105 and he's why I'm getting my physical. I have to fly out to his wedding. He's marrying a 25 year old."
Doc intrigued now asked, "Why in the world would a 105 year old want to marry at 25 year old?"
Clyde said with a wry smile, "Who says he WANTED to?"
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AkTom
Well-Known Member
What do you call a tree that fits in your hand???
A palm tree!
A palm tree!
VApatriot
Well-Known Member
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't matter he ain't coming...
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him...
What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?
Sparky...
Don't matter he ain't coming...
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him...
What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?
Sparky...
Two old ladies - dear friends for years - found themselves (much to their surprise) sitting on a park bench in Heaven.
"Millie, what the heck happened?" asked Betsy
"Well", said Millie, "I came home early from shopping and noticed things were different at home. I became suspicious when Bill started acting strangely so I knew I had finally caught him with another woman that I had suspected for some time. So I ran upstairs to the bedroom, ruffled through the closet, looked under the bed, then ran up to the attic. I knew that slut was hiding in there somewhere. When I couldn't find her, I started checking every other room in the house even running down in the cellar and checking the garage. When I was running back up the stairs from the cellar, I collapsed with a heart attack and...well...here I am. How'd you die Betsy?"
"Well", said Betsy, "if you had looked in the freezer neither one of us would be here"
"Millie, what the heck happened?" asked Betsy
"Well", said Millie, "I came home early from shopping and noticed things were different at home. I became suspicious when Bill started acting strangely so I knew I had finally caught him with another woman that I had suspected for some time. So I ran upstairs to the bedroom, ruffled through the closet, looked under the bed, then ran up to the attic. I knew that slut was hiding in there somewhere. When I couldn't find her, I started checking every other room in the house even running down in the cellar and checking the garage. When I was running back up the stairs from the cellar, I collapsed with a heart attack and...well...here I am. How'd you die Betsy?"
"Well", said Betsy, "if you had looked in the freezer neither one of us would be here"
D the Catastrophist
Well-Known Member
A Frenchman asks his friend "What do you think of this wine?"
His friend replies "It's a little too sweet for me."
To which the Frenchman replies, "You should drink it slower, then it won't be tout suite."
His friend replies "It's a little too sweet for me."
To which the Frenchman replies, "You should drink it slower, then it won't be tout suite."
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GrogNerd
mean old man
one of the kids on the block asked me if I got a haircut & I answered. "nope. got them all cut" & she just looked at me like I grew a 2nd head
the fun thing about dad jokes isn't getting kids to laugh at them, it's to see their reaction to the joke.
the fun thing about dad jokes isn't getting kids to laugh at them, it's to see their reaction to the joke.
and also their reaction in front of their friends
A farmer goes out and buys a young rooster. As soon as he gets back home the rooster is straight off into the henhouse where it screws all 150 of the farmers hens.
The farmer is impressed by this.
Later that day the rooster is at it again, screwing all 150 of the hens.
The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried.
Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing all of the hens but he is also at it with the turkeys, the ducks and even the sheep.
Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, completely lifeless and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer rushes out, looks down at the young roosters body and says, "You deserved it, you horny little b*stard!"
The young rooster then opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, "Shhhh!, they're about to land."
The farmer is impressed by this.
Later that day the rooster is at it again, screwing all 150 of the hens.
The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried.
Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing all of the hens but he is also at it with the turkeys, the ducks and even the sheep.
Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, completely lifeless and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer rushes out, looks down at the young roosters body and says, "You deserved it, you horny little b*stard!"
The young rooster then opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, "Shhhh!, they're about to land."
This is pretty funny...
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
She replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
She replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
I accidently joined a dating site for arsonists...they sent me a lot of matches.
you're going to burn for that one
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
In America, they're called elevators. In Europe, they're called the lift.
Guess they were just raised differently.
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“Dear Lord,” the minister began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust...”
He would have continued but at that moment my inquisitive daughter leaned over and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
He would have continued but at that moment my inquisitive daughter leaned over and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
A winery near me just started selling individual wrapped portions of fermented horse chunks.
They're calling it Shard o' Neigh.
They're calling it Shard o' Neigh.
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It's a bit embarrassing to admit this here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..
..and they did some unspeakable things to me.Similar threads
