This is pretty funny...
Stupid Joke Thread!
- Thread starter Schlenkerla
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A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
She replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
She replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
I accidently joined a dating site for arsonists...they sent me a lot of matches.
you're going to burn for that one
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
In America, they're called elevators. In Europe, they're called the lift.
Guess they were just raised differently.
![Craft A Brew - Safale BE-256 Yeast - Fermentis - Belgian Ale Dry Yeast - For Belgian & Strong Ales - Ingredients for Home Brewing - Beer Making Supplies - [3 Pack]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51bcKEwQmWL._SL500_.jpg)
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“Dear Lord,” the minister began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust...”
He would have continued but at that moment my inquisitive daughter leaned over and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
He would have continued but at that moment my inquisitive daughter leaned over and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
A winery near me just started selling individual wrapped portions of fermented horse chunks.
They're calling it Shard o' Neigh.
They're calling it Shard o' Neigh.
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It's a bit embarrassing to admit this here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..
..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
I went down to the psychiatric ward the other day to visit my buddy as I'm walking down the hall I hear a roomful of people yelling 14,14,14,, being curious I looked through the keyhole and a stick came out and poked me in the eye and then I heard them yelling 15,15,15
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One of Reagan’s best Jokes. Soviet apparatchik: OK you can have a new car. Pay for it now and you can collect it in 10 years from today. Russian asks: Morning or afternoon. Soviet: why would that matter. Russian: the plumber is coming in the morning.
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The prefix in Ft. Morgan, CO is 867 and when you would call that number and ask for Jenny, they didn’t like it.
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk and appeared to fall over any secon.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk and appeared to fall over any secon.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Guy and his dog walk into a bar.
Bartender says that dogs aren't allowed.
Guy says, "But this just isn't any old dog. This dog is special- he can talk!"
Bartender is of course skeptical but kinda amused, so he says, "Tell you what- if that dog can talk, y'all can stay. If he can't, I'm gonna beat you up and toss you both into the dumpster."
Guy agrees, looks at his dog and says, "Hey dog, how does a tree feel?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "Hear that? I told you my dog could talk. He said that a tree feels rough."
Guy can see that the bartender isn't impressed, so he says, "I'll prove it again. Hey dog, what's on top of a house?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "See, he did it again. He said that a house has a roof on top."
Bartender is getting annoyed, so the guy asks for one last chance. Guy says, "Hey dog, who's the greatest Yankee of all time?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "See? He really can talk. He said that Babe Ruth is the greatest Yankee of all time."
Now the bartender has had enough, so he beats up the guy, grabs 'em both and tosses them into the dumpster.
In the dumpster the guy and his dog emerge covered in garbage. The guy leers and curses at the dog, who says, "What?! Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"
Bartender says that dogs aren't allowed.
Guy says, "But this just isn't any old dog. This dog is special- he can talk!"
Bartender is of course skeptical but kinda amused, so he says, "Tell you what- if that dog can talk, y'all can stay. If he can't, I'm gonna beat you up and toss you both into the dumpster."
Guy agrees, looks at his dog and says, "Hey dog, how does a tree feel?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "Hear that? I told you my dog could talk. He said that a tree feels rough."
Guy can see that the bartender isn't impressed, so he says, "I'll prove it again. Hey dog, what's on top of a house?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "See, he did it again. He said that a house has a roof on top."
Bartender is getting annoyed, so the guy asks for one last chance. Guy says, "Hey dog, who's the greatest Yankee of all time?"
Dog goes "Ruff!"
Guy says, "See? He really can talk. He said that Babe Ruth is the greatest Yankee of all time."
Now the bartender has had enough, so he beats up the guy, grabs 'em both and tosses them into the dumpster.
In the dumpster the guy and his dog emerge covered in garbage. The guy leers and curses at the dog, who says, "What?! Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"
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I’ll never forget my dad’s last words to me just before he died.
Stop shaking the ladder you little ****
I was winning an argument with my wife, until she suddenly pulled off her shirt and bra.
It was a ****y trap.
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Bunch of us 14yr old Boy Scouts were sitting in the platform tent at the start of a week of scout camp with one boy's father just talking, when someone else came in to join us and they stepped on the loose floorboard. One of the boys said "watch it, that's our ****y trap". The dad replied, "you've got a lot to learn about ****ies".
We laughed until we cried.
Some of us are still laughing, years later.
We laughed until we cried.
Some of us are still laughing, years later.
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[And yes, we still have a lot to learn about ****ies]
Sounds like one of those Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts.
This morning my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl. I told her that I didn't even know that he could!
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