Stupid Joke Thread!

[bracconiere]

what, did you have crabs? lol

 

[balrog]

 

[Sailingeric]

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?​

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

At first there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.


Nobody knew Y.

 

[Sailingeric]

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen,​

I can just feel it.

 

[Sailingeric]

Judge: "Please spell your first name for the recorder"​

Me: " 'A', 'L', 'F',......'A', 'R', 'T',.....'F', 'R', 'E', 'D' " Judge: "Your first name is 'Alfartfred'?" Me: "No sir, it's pronounced "Alfred". The fart is silent."
I know, this one stinks.

 

[bracconiere]

Judge: "Please spell your first name for the recorder"​

Me: " 'A', 'L', 'F',......'A', 'R', 'T',.....'F', 'R', 'E', 'D' " Judge: "Your first name is 'Alfartfred'?" Me: "No sir, it's pronounced "Alfred". The fart is silent."
I know, this one stinks.

What do you do when you bag a fart in 2016, so that you can share the unboxing on youtube? crack a joke like that!

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

And, from way way back in time, a time when we all were young and and time when the dyslexic would never confuse "CDB" for a infused-oil miracle cure all, although sometimes, CDB could actually be a miracle cure all...

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Sailingeric]

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.​

Then IT hit me!

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BongoYodeler]

Joe and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Joe headed home frustrated.

The following week when Joe's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Joe.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold homebrew, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Joe?"
"I didn't have to," Joe replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,'
So, Here I am!"

 

[Kee]

Two women were having drinks when one confesses. "Honestly, I am so afraid of getting pregnant that I don't enjoy sex like I used to.
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy", said the other.
"Yes, he does. That's why I am so worried about getting pregnant".

 

[bracconiere]

Two women were having drinks when one confesses. "Honestly, I am so afraid of getting pregnant that I don't enjoy sex like I used to.
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy", said the other.
"Yes, he does. That's why I am so worried about getting pregnant".

that's bad....

 

[Abrayton]

Home brewing to save money is like getting married to have more sex.

 

[BongoYodeler]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker stepped up next to me, grabbed my drink, and gulped it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about this?", he says, menacingly, as I started to burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting so my boss fired me today. Then I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. Got home and found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to my life, I bought a drink, dropped a capsule of cyanide in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BongoYodeler]

Ummm, I have a question....

 

[balrog]

View attachment 785194

Ummm, I have a question....

Ah, a death tax. Or a stupidity tax.

 

[Sailingeric]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...​

I should've known, there were red flags everywhere

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

I thought I'd post a salty joke, then I thought, "Na, people won't get it."

 

[3 Dawg Night]

I thought I'd post a salty joke, then I thought, "Na, people won't get it."

Cl-assy.

 

[kartracer2]

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees.
The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
"That's one too many!" says the customer.
The clerk replies "It's a freebie"

 

[Sailingeric]

When should single men put on a condom?

In every conceivable situation.