Stupid Joke Thread!

Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum

Help Support Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
I've personally witnessed the types of tight skirts in my life. I offered to help a woman onto the train (was a high step onto the train steps) as she was having difficulty due to her tight skirt and heels. She thanked me for assistance and I thanked her. She gave me a puzzled look. IMO, d*mn fine way to start a day. Turns out I had a nice bo*er each time I thought about what happened...including walking to my seat on the train (luckily I carry a brief case :) )

As I was told at a young age, "The simple things in life are the best."
 
I always enjoy the jokes with double meaning. Taken 1 way a joke is innocent, another way and the joke is dirty and funny.

Years ago we're visiting Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg, VA. Of course they have to nickel and dime people for everything. One of the things is the "Magic Quest" where little demons (kids) run thru the halls screaming at all hours trying to find the next item in the quest to tap with their wands. Yes, must purchase the wands for additional cost. Great Wolf claims "Finish the quest and a gift awaits.". My kids get thru a few levels. Next clue "Look for a green chest." I reply, "OK, we need to find a woman with a green sweater.". Take a few seconds and my daughter busts out laughing.
 
Here's another. Relatives are over and I have "marching orders" from the wife about my jokes. Apparently, her family are prudes. Anyway, we're watching TV and BSing. There's a commercial about a male enhancement pill stating "See a doctor for erections lasting more than 3 days". I immediately say, "Have an erection for more than 3 days, you walk the neighborhood and show it to everyone.". They bust out laughing...
 
...and then your wife beats you senseless. Yeah, I've been in that production.

The laugh is totally worth it though.

(note to self, throw away wife's cast iron pans)
 
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw

Because he's just......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

*

*

OK!

Here it is!

*

*

*

*

A COMMONTATER
 
So a bear walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, give me a beer. The bartender says I'm sorry sir, but we do not serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. The bear says give me a beer, or I'll eat this lady sitting next to me! And the bartender says, I'm sorry Sir, but we do not serve beers to bullying bears in bars in Billings, Montana. So the eats the lady, then turns to the bartender and says now give me a beer or I'll eat you too! And the bartender says, I'm sorry sir, but we do not serve beers to bullying bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs. And the Bear says on drugs!? How am I on drugs? And the bartender says I'm sorry sir, but that was a barbitch youate.
 
1603760062240.png


"They're here all week, folks! Try the sauteed mutton!" ;)
 
How does a butcher introduce his wife at a party?...

...Hey everyone! Meat Patty!


(Working on my dad jokes lol)
As a fellow dad... I think you're there! It's just stupid enough to not know if you should laugh or be mad. That's what I aim for with my kids (and wife).
 
Two random guys sitting at a bar and after a few drinks start BSing when all of sudden one guy starts looking nervous and says to the other "I got to get out of here, I think I see my wife outside talking to my girlfriend". The other says "That's funny I was about to say the same thing".
 
Little Johnny joke. In school the teacher asks the students to tell about their family. Little Johnny is almost jumping out of his seat raising his hand. Teacher calls on Little Johnny. Little Johnny says, "My Dad was in the war and got shot in the a*s". Teacher says, "Little Johnny we don't swear in this class. Say rectum.". Little Johnny says, "Wrecked him sh*t, it killed him!".
 
A man who'd just died is delivered to the local mortuary
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
 
Santa "D*ck in a Box"
Santa Dick in a Box.jpg


"Hey, girl
I've got somethin' real important to give you
So just sit down, and listen

Girl, you know we've been together, such a long, long time
(Such a long time)
And now I'm ready, to lay it on the line
Well, you know it's Christmas and my heart is open wide
(Open wide)
Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind
(What's on my mind)
A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside
It's my dick in a box
(It's in a box)

Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don't mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl, you gotta know you're my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin' real
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
(Somethin' special girl)

It's my dick in a box!
My dick in a box, babe
It's my dick in a box
Ooh, my dick in a box, girl
See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' (Yeah)
And I got just the one
Somethin' to show ya that you are second to none

To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps
One
Cut a hole in a box
Two
Put your junk in that box
Three
Make her open the box
And that's the way you do it

It's my dick in a box
My dick in a box, babe
It's my dick in a box
Ooh, my dick in a box, girl

Christmas
Dick in a box
Hanukkah
Dick in a box
Kwanzaa
A dick in a box
Every single holiday
A dick in a box
Over at your parent's house
A dick in a box
Midday at the grocery store
A dick in a box
Backstage at the CMA's
A dick in a box
Yeah, well, well, well, well, well...
My dick in a box
My dick in a box
My dick in a box"

Songwriters: Jorma Taccone, Akiva Schaffer, Katreese Barnes, Justin R Timberlake, Andrew D Samberg
For non-commercial use only.
Data From: Musixmatch
 

Latest posts

Back
Top