In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
I've personally witnessed the types of tight skirts in my life. I offered to help a woman onto the train (was a high step onto the train steps) as she was having difficulty due to her tight skirt and heels. She thanked me for assistance and I thanked her. She gave me a puzzled look. IMO, d*mn fine way to start a day. Turns out I had a nice bo*er each time I thought about what happened...including walking to my seat on the train (luckily I carry a brief case )
As I was told at a young age, "The simple things in life are the best."
I always enjoy the jokes with double meaning. Taken 1 way a joke is innocent, another way and the joke is dirty and funny.
Years ago we're visiting Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg, VA. Of course they have to nickel and dime people for everything. One of the things is the "Magic Quest" where little demons (kids) run thru the halls screaming at all hours trying to find the next item in the quest to tap with their wands. Yes, must purchase the wands for additional cost. Great Wolf claims "Finish the quest and a gift awaits.". My kids get thru a few levels. Next clue "Look for a green chest." I reply, "OK, we need to find a woman with a green sweater.". Take a few seconds and my daughter busts out laughing.
Here's another. Relatives are over and I have "marching orders" from the wife about my jokes. Apparently, her family are prudes. Anyway, we're watching TV and BSing. There's a commercial about a male enhancement pill stating "See a doctor for erections lasting more than 3 days". I immediately say, "Have an erection for more than 3 days, you walk the neighborhood and show it to everyone.". They bust out laughing...
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
So a bear walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, give me a beer. The bartender says I'm sorry sir, but we do not serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. The bear says give me a beer, or I'll eat this lady sitting next to me! And the bartender says, I'm sorry Sir, but we do not serve beers to bullying bears in bars in Billings, Montana. So the eats the lady, then turns to the bartender and says now give me a beer or I'll eat you too! And the bartender says, I'm sorry sir, but we do not serve beers to bullying bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs. And the Bear says on drugs!? How am I on drugs? And the bartender says I'm sorry sir, but that was a barbitch youate.
Two random guys sitting at a bar and after a few drinks start BSing when all of sudden one guy starts looking nervous and says to the other "I got to get out of here, I think I see my wife outside talking to my girlfriend". The other says "That's funny I was about to say the same thing".
Local folks are having their chickens and eggs stolen. Finally! The person is arrested about 10 miles away from the crimes. Man tells judge, "Your honor, it was only a joke.". Judge sentences the man 2 years in prision for carrying a joke too far.
Little Johnny joke. In school the teacher asks the students to tell about their family. Little Johnny is almost jumping out of his seat raising his hand. Teacher calls on Little Johnny. Little Johnny says, "My Dad was in the war and got shot in the a*s". Teacher says, "Little Johnny we don't swear in this class. Say rectum.". Little Johnny says, "Wrecked him sh*t, it killed him!".