Stupid Joke Thread!

[Robert65]

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "I'll drive, you run the gun."

 

[soccerdad]

Anyone who is here for the yodeling workshop should please line up in an orderly orderly order lee eee queue.

 

[soccerdad]

Old time cure for pubic lice. No harsh chemicals. Got it from my granddad who got it from his granddad.
- shave one side of your pubic area
- the crabs will move to the other side
- light that side on fire
- when the crabs run out, stab them with an ice pick

 

[soccerdad]

We have a tailor in our town who is ridiculously lazy.

He has his work cut out for him.

 

[AkTom]

Our small has a zoo. It’s not much of a zoo. It only has a dog.
It’s a **** zoo.

 

[bleme]

 

[Snuffy]

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here". String walks back out.
In the alley, he twists himself up and frizzes out his ends and strolls back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that tried to get in here earlier?". String says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot".

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

 

[3 Dawg Night]

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar, and each orders a pint. By sheer twist of fate, before the men can take a drink, three flies buzz in and one lands in each of their glasses.

The Englishman pushes his pint away and asks the bartender for another.

The Scot shrugs, fishes the fly out of his glass, and takes a drink.

The Irishman immediately fishes the fly out of his glass, shakes the fly upside down, and screams: "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE *****!"

 

[Snuffy]

A guy is golfing with his buddy and as they are about to tee off, he starts digging like crazy thru his golf bag looking for his "lucky ball". When he finds it, his buddy says, "What's so lucky about that ball?". The guy says, "Man, this ball is awesome! If you hit it in the water, it floats!". The buddy seems mildly impressed. Then the guy says, "If you hit it in the weeds, it beeps!". Buddy goes, "Nice!". The guy says, 'And if you wanna play at night, it glows in the dark!". The buddy says, "Whoa! That's pretty cool. Where'd you get it?" Guy says, "I found it."

 

[balrog]

Man sees his friend walking down the street one day, looking like he’s lost a bad fight, all bruised up in the face. “What happened?!” His friend explains it happened at church that week. The lady in front of him stood up for the closing hymn and he noticed her skirt stuck up in between her cheeks so he reaches over and pulls it out for her and she turns around and wails on him.



A week couple weeks later, the man sees his friend again looking all bruised up again, “what happened this time?!”. Well, it was church again. I was sitting behind the same lady, she stands up for the hymn and I notice her skirt is not stuck between her cheeks. And I know she doesn’t like that so I reach over and tuck it back up there.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second or third guy would have ducked.

 

[BongoYodeler]

I've become addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.

I've just found out that I'm colour blind. What a surprise ... it came right out of the purple.

Alexa technology has been ported over to automobiles. You just say "Car, accelerate" or "Car, turn left" and it follows your command.
But they're working on an even newer model that will respond to your thoughts.
It goes without saying.

How long did Cain beat his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

I read a book about World War II that only had 4 pages. It was "Abridged Too Far."

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

A man calls 911.
"My wife is going into labor. What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" the 911 operator asks.
"No, this is her husband."

The opening of the new Lego store was a huge success. People were lined up for blocks.

Teen: "I love Eminem."
Old man: "I prefer Skittles."
Teen: "I mean the rapper."
Old man: "Why would you eat the wrapper?"

Ophelia: "Hey, babe. Come over."
Hamlet: "I can't. I'm hiding a body."
Ophelia: "My dad isn't home."
Hamlet: "I know."

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Me: "I'm trying to get over my fear of ghosts."
Therapist: "That's the spirit."

What happened when the cannibals ate the missionary?
They got a taste of religion.

A dog gave birth to puppies on the side of the road and was fined for littering.

Where do you take someone who was injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
The ICU.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

I bought a new pair of gloves today, but they're both lefts, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

What do you call the fear of giants?

Feefiphobia.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

I have a picture of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved.

It's unpresidented.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

I was robbed by six dwarves today.

Not Happy.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

The only thing on my to-do list for today is to pick up my new glasses.

Then I'll see what happens after that.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors were able to separate them shortly after birth.

He's my uncle, once removed.

My mom was also born with a conjoined twin, but they were never separated.

She's my aunt on my mother's side.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

The only thing on my to-do list for today is to pick up my new glasses.

Then I'll see what happens after that.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to pick up my glasses!

Everybody.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

Last one:

The word "diputseromneve" may be ridiculous, but backwards, it's even more stupid.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Do you all know Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke?

"So this bar goes into this guy, see..."

 

[stickyfinger]

Did you hear about the really famous farmer? He was out standing in his field.

 

[stickyfinger]

I worked around limousines for years. But i dont have anything to chauffeur it.

 

[Snuffy]

Scientists discover a pod of porpoises near a remote island that seem to have an unlimited lifespan. After lots of study they determine that the secret of their longevity is a diet that consists almost exclusively of baby seagulls that fall into the sea from the cliffs where their parents roost. One day, they notice that the porpoises are becoming thin and sickly and it turns out a small landslide has created a barrier that keeps the baby birds from falling off the cliff as often. They decide they have to hike up a narrow dangerous trail to the cliffs and collect food for the porpoises until they can work out how to remove the barrier. They collect a couple of backpacks full of baby seagulls and on the way back down, they discover a large and impressive lion has lain across a narrow point in the trail and is taking a nap. After some discussion they take a running start and jump over the lion and race out onto the beach - where the police are waiting. They tell them, "You are under arrest" and the scientists ask, "On what charge?". The police reply,"Transporting young gulls across stately lions for immortal porpoises".

 

[soccerdad]

I think it was my reputation as a brewer that got me invited. I was asked to join a super secret cooking club. SUPER secret - no writing anything down and no talking about anything we did in meetings. I didn't last a month. Kicked out for spilling the beans.

 

[stickyfinger]

Saw this on facebook: I finished eating at a restaurant. The waiter asked me if i wanna box for my food. I said no but i’d wrestle him for it.

 

[Snuffy]

Guy wakes up one morning and his junk is orange. He tries to ignore it but it freaks him out so he eventually goes to the doctor about it. Doc runs tests but is completely baffled. He says,"Tell me what you did yesterday and don't leave anything out". So the guy starts off, "I got up. Took a leak. Drank coffee..." - nothing out of the ordinary the whole day. Eventually the doctor says, "What about on the way home from work?". Guy sez, "I drove home the usual route. Stopped at the QuikMart and got gas. That's about it". Doctor says, "Did you get anything else at the QuikMart?". The guy sez, " Just a Penthouse and a big bag of Cheetos..."

 

[BongoYodeler]

My wife asked me why I was always whispering at home. I said that I was worried that Mark Zuckerberg was listening. My wife laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed and Siri laughed. We all laughed.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

My horoscope this morning said that I will experience deep emotional pain and loss in twelve years. So, to cheer myself up, I went out and bought a puppy.

 

[Snuffy]

 

[soccerdad]

SCAM ALERT !!
Beware those infared thermometers that take your temp on your forehead. They erase your memory and plant subliminal suggestions.
I went to the beer store for Founders Breakfast Stout and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.
They met me at the door to see that I had a mask on and they took my temp.
I came home with a case of Coors Light and 12 PBRs

 

[day_trippr]

 

[doug293cz]

Where's the groan emoji?

 

[day_trippr]

lol! Dude! Situational Awareness!

 

[501irishred]

When do they review the table of elements?
.....

Periodically

 

[501irishred]

As I was driving by the prison yesterday I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused, I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, ”well that’s a little condescending“.

 

[stickyfinger]

Here are a series of jokes I have been working on while watching the animals in the back yard...

The head of the research lab was fired. He was spending too much time examining his student's figures.

Why was the fitness instructor fired? He just didn't work out.

Why did the platoon dig holes in the woods? It was their duty.

My wife made me an amazing Indian meal last night out of the blue. It turns out she was trying to curry a flavor.

 

[enkamania]

Saw this on facebook: I finished eating at a restaurant. The waiter asked me if i wanna box for my food. I said no but i’d wrestle him for it.

My girlfriend actually used that on a waitress.