Let's remind ourselves what the OP was asking:
I often read people are brewing NEIPAs w 7-9 day fermentation schedule, putting into a keg, quick carbing, and claiming they’re getting fruity, juicy, crisp NEIPAs...Is this their own bias and somewhat they’re full of it? I am too harsh of a critic on my own brews? I am trying to get close to an Other Half, Trillium, Tree House, Hill Farmstead style. Where you take a sip and literally taste hop juice.
I’ve been getting way better and improving drastically along the way. Stepping up to water chemistry, moving to kegging setup and closed O2 transfers, improving my hop additions & dry hop techniques, etc. — my big catch is that it takes AT LEAST 5 weeks before they don’t taste somewhat bland or thin/watery. Again it’s probably fine or even really good to the common beer drinker but it’s not on the level of the pros I am aspiring to...
To paraphrase:
1. Some people claim to make NEIPAs quickly, on the order of a week. Is this real?
2. OPs beers are not ready quickly.
To answer quickly:
1. Yes it's real. Commercial ale fermentation are usually moved out of primary in about 2 days. This is easily achieved on the home brew level as well. Myself and many others have done it. Measure your actual gravity through fermentation and you'll see how fast it actually goes. Fermentation isn't done in "7-10 days" or "2 weeks" or "28 days". It's done when the yeast is done (assuming it hasn't quit, which is unlikely if you follow good practices)
2. The good news for the OP is that there's nothing magical about what these brewers are doing. They are just executing good brewing practices at a large scale.
What are good brewing practices with NEIPAs?
Water
1. Start with good water. RO + minerals is your best bet. There is debate about the right sulfate/chloride ratios and amounts, but seems that's more personal preference. You might be able to use tap water if you quantitatively know what's in it, but if not it's a roll of the dice. Sounds like you are on this path already.
2. Deoxygenated water is typically used by the big brewers and for good reason. An oxidized mash leaves a dull tasting beer. There is a certain "brightness" quality that comes out of an unoxidized mash. This isn't a "LODO" thing. This is a real practice in many modern breweries and it's for good cause. I also find a lot of the "off flavors" in "green beer" come from an oxidized mash. When you don't make these flavors to begin with, you don't have to wait for them to age out.
Mash
3. Grain bill - this is up to you, and there are a lot of versions out there. This is an entire thread on its own and has been discussed elsewhere.
4. Get your mash pH correct. You're looking for about 5.40. This will put your enzymes in a good range to do their magic. There's some wiggle room here but don't end up at 5.1 or 5.8.
5. Perform a step mash. Something like 145F for 30, 162F for 30, 170F for 10. This is known as a Hochkurz mash. Each step has its purpose but the net result is good fermentability, body AND foam stability. A single infusion mash at 148 is going to leave you a thin watery beer with no body or foam. Likewise if you ratchet it up a few degrees you're going to have a mash with all alpha amylase activity, which is going to give you a sweet and low attenuating beer. This will really detract from the hop punch. You want 80-85% apparent attenuation. Anything less and your hops won't be center stage and the beer will be cloying and heavy. Also an interesting fact is that unfermented but fermentable extract tastes better than unfermented and unfermentable extract, if that makes sense.
Boil
6. Gentle simmer. Target 6-10% boil off. Anything more is excessive. Less is asking for DMS.
7. Chill rapidly to your steep temperatures and then to your final fermentation temp.
Hops
8. This is another area that is up for you to decide what you like. BUT if there's one thing i've found to be universal across all styles its that old hops make sh1tty IPA of any variation. Do yourself a favor and buy all your hops online from a reputable vendor that will sell you the most recent crop year. Seriously. It makes a BIG difference in this style of beer. I throw out a lb of unused miscellaneous hops every year and buy fresh stuff because it makes that big of a difference. This is especially true with your hop bombs.
9. Decide what YOU like. How do you like your bitterness? Soft/firm? How do you like your aromas and flavors? Do you like citrus flavors or dank flavors or pine flavors or earthy flavors?
10. Quantity - I'm going to suggest you need roughly 1 lb per 5 G. Roughly. Think roughly 1/3 in the boil, 1/3 steep and 1/3 dry hop. This isn't a rule. Decide what you like and adjust more or less.
Fermentation
11. Pitch aggressively. This means HUGE starters if using liquid yeasts or 2-3 packs per 5 gallons of dry yeast.
12. Shouldn't need to be stated, but active temp control is key here. If you don't have this, find a way. It's the #1 most important thing in brewing high quality beer.
Dry Hopping
13. You need to dry hop during active fermentation. There's some variation out there but i'd get the first charge in no later than 1.020. Some people add first charge with the yeast and then a second later in fermentation. I can't tell you what's right or wrong here other than its a necessary step to do during fermentation to get the real juice flavors. Something to play with.
Packaging
14. Beer shouldn't stay in the primary fermenter any longer than needed. Ideally you would transfer your beer to your serving keg with a couple gravity points left. Second best would be to transfer not long (meaning hours to a day if possible) after reaching final gravity. Add priming sugar to the fermenter first, wait about 30-60 minutes, then transfer. In either case you can seal the keg and it'll carbonate itself naturally. This is the best possible scenario because that active yeast will scavenge any oxygen you pick up. Second best would be to add priming sugar
This isn't meant to be the end-all-be-all-guide to NEIPA or any other style. But beer is the sum of its parts. Sounds like you're on the right track and just need some more practice.