Stupid Joke Thread!

[ba-brewer]

Eat more beans to aid social distancing.

 

[AkTom]

What is the leading cause of dry skin???




Towels.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

Do you know why COVID 19 has created a Toilet Paper shortage?

1 person sneezes and 10 people Sh&t themselves.

BEST explanation for the tp shortage I have seen!

 

[Imhoppy]

What did the bartender say to the turkey sandwich when it tried to order a beer?

“Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

[AkTom]

How do you steal a coat?



You jacket.

 

[Imhoppy]

Why did the invisible prostitute turn down the job offer?

She couldn't see herself doing it.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

I’m waiting for someone to jump out from the tv and yell, “APRIL FOOLS!” about Covid 19.
Unfortunately, this ain’t no joke.

Everyone remember, Six feet apart or six feet under. It’s up to YOU.

Stay safe.

 

[501irishred]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

 

[balrog]

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can't believe I lost The Rock's paper scissors.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

My ex-girlfriend ate all my hummus.

I was so angry I broke up with her. I told that chick, peace!

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

The farmer decides to prank his grandchildren so he collects the fresh eggs from the chickens
and gives them very bright colors. The eggs are quietly returned to the nests for the children to collect later in the day.
The head rooster goes into the henhouse and spies the brightly colored eggs and is furious!
The rooster rushes out and beats the crap out of the peacock!

Animal husbandry in the South!

HOPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

I’m not saying that I have started to drink a tiny bit more, but

The guy that picks up my recycling left a brochure for AA on my bin.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Corona-virus humor. I'm sure there's a lot of these going around, but I'll add this one:

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
IS THIS YOU, yet?

 

[Immocles]

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

That cracked me up more than it should! Got my wife with it too, haha.

 

[BongoYodeler]

That cracked me up more than it should! Got my wife with it too, haha.

Yeah, that got me too.
I'm thinking about putting #9 on my to-do list.

 

[S-Met]

That cracked me up more than it should! Got my wife with it too, haha.

I think I repeated it at work at least a few times today. Added that his website gets a lot of hits.

Going to meme 9 and 13 when I find the right pics.

 

[soccerdad]

I ordered Mexican takeout tonight and got Nachos.
I asked for the helicopter chips.
They said they only had plain.

 

[S-Met]

Corona-virus humor. I'm sure there's a lot of these going around, but I'll add this one:

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
IS THIS YOU, yet?

I think I repeated it at work at least a few times today. Added that his website gets a lot of hits.

Going to meme 9 and 13 when I find the right pics.

memes posted on the generator page.

 

[S-Met]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the coronavirus strategy:


The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.


Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.


Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.


The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.


Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.


In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington

 

[soccerdad]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.

 

[bracconiere]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.

hopefully he doesn't leave behind a bunch of roaches!

 

[doug293cz]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.

Did isolation start before or after you threw the skunk a party?

Brew on

 

[BongoYodeler]

Well that stinks.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.

This should not be this funny, but I have been laughing intermittently ever since!

I think I’m a little stir crazy!

But it Is a great joke!

 

[soccerdad]

I found out how many bones there are in the human hand ....


A handful !

 

[soccerdad]

Namaske

The mask I wear to protect you salutes the mask you wear to protect me.

 

[bkboiler]

What did the Otorhinolaryngologists say when asked if they wanted to attend the ENT conference?

-Sinus up!

 

[soccerdad]

I developed a deathly fear of elevators.


I'm taking steps to overcome it.

 

[stickyfinger]

A camel walks into a bar and says, "Highballs on me."

 

[soccerdad]