Stupid Joke Thread!

[Dgallo]

Why did the mermaid get new seashells????


She grew out of her Bshells

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?

 

[S-Met]

This naked guy outside of my work just dipped his balls in glitter!?!

Pretty nuts!

 

[S-Met]

My wife told me to stop acting like a Flamingo.

I had to put my foot down!

 

[S-Met]

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their face!

 

[ba-brewer]

I heard that one with the setup of "Why do birds look so funny?"

 

[bleme]

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"

His friend answered, "Sixteen...four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer."

 

[catdaddy66]

Two prostitutes were chatting and enjoying a cigarette. One turns to the other and asks "Do you smoke after sex?"

The second replied "I don't know, I've never looked."

 

[JohnSand]

That's so old, but I still laughed!

 

[Dgallo]

There’s two blondes following tracks. The one turns to the other and asks “do you think these are deer tracks?” The other says “No, they seem too big for deer tracks. I should know these” ... these were their last words before the train hit them.

 

[AkTom]

You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law?
Of course you have.
Have you heard of Cole’s Law?

What, no?
Silly boy, coleslaw is thinly sliced cabbage with a mayonnaise dressing.

 

[day_trippr]

Doc: "A good diet, adequate exercise, limiting alcohol, and not smoking could cut the risks of developing Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia by 60%."

Me: "So you're saying there's nothing I can do?"

 

[catdaddy66]

At 60 my grandmother started walking 5 miles a day. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is!

 

[soccerdad]

What's worse than ants in your pants??






Uncles

 

[FunkedOut]

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

 

[JohnSand]

Apparently a chuckle.

 

[ba-brewer]

sarcastic comment

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

This.... ^^^^^^

 

[Abrayton]

Did you know Stalin didn’t drink whiskey? Apparently it made him mean.

 

[soccerdad]

apologies to our Irish friends .. playing on a stereotype ..

An Irishman was traveling on the train across from a gorgeous woman.
She looked up from her book for the umpteenth time to see him leering at her.
"You know", she said, "Every time I see you smile, I want to invite you to my place."
"Oh," he replied, "Are you single?"
"No," she said, "I'm a dentist."

 

[bleme]

My 9yo came home with this one yesterday:

What's yellow, lumpy and smells like a zebra?

Spoiler: Answer

Lion puke

 

[catdaddy66]

My 9yo came home with this one yesterday:

What's yellow, lumpy and smells like a zebra?

Spoiler: Answer

Lion puke

Reminds me of a couple of favorites from high school...

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line

 

[Abrayton]

Used this one in class yesterday and got literally no response. Biological Psychology unit.

What do personality and diarrhea have in common? They both run in your genes!

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

True account: I was at a beer centric fund raiser for a nature center pouring with my HBC. I decided to check out some other brews and a woman who I would guess is in her late 70s pointed to my club and asked where is that brewery. I explained it is a home brew club and not an establishment to patronize. She quickly said “That’s too bad their beer is good, I had some that was just a little above panther piss.” It was noisy so I leaned over a little and said “You had some that was just above...?” She said “panther piss”. Oh, I replied, that’s what I thought you said. I’m going to name my next brew “it’s not panther piss” in honor of this funny woman.

 

[day_trippr]

I'm bringing my keezer down to off-line status for a few days to clean up some incipient rust and perhaps re-lining the taps. Can't go "a few days" without beer so I was perusing the offerings at my local packy (which is exceptionally well stocked for a store well beyond the 'burbs) and from all of what I saw, "Panther Piss" would be a good name on it's own...

Cheers!

 

[Bigdaddyale]

What's worse than ants in your pants??






Uncles

Somebody follows AvE

 

[ba-brewer]

I am thinking about doing a simcoe and chinook IPA, "Panther Piss" might be a good name.

 

[Abrayton]

Why are bars full of ghosts on Halloween? Because of all the booze

 

[Imhoppy]

Why are brewery cooling ponds full of frogs?
Because that's where they get their hops.

 

[ba-brewer]

people say "time flies when you're having fun"
but frogs say "time is fun when you're having flies"

 

[ba-brewer]

Why are brewery cooling ponds full of frogs?
Because that's where they get their hops.

I heard frogs and rabbits liked hoppy beers.

 

[S-Met]

Not exactly a joke...

I was sitting in a pub (Jackrabbit brewing west Sacramento) next to a couple of millennial-vegan-hipsters as they were mindlessly rambling about how they were vegan-supremists and better than everyone else because meat is bad...yadda yadda... or whatever they were talking about.

I'm sitting there... a couple of locals who I could just see their blood boiling. Any minute I knew they were going to "pop" when I ordered a round of the hoppiest beer on tap for them and the hippsters. (6 pints in total of HopraCadabra)

The locals kinda gave me an eyeful... especially when the millennials thanked me for my kindness.

I continued to sip my beer while intermittently engaging with the hipsters about beer and spouting random brew knowledge about flavor profiles and fermentation techniques. Nothing over the top, but general beer-geek crap like early vs late vs dry-hop additions.

About halfway through their pour, my food arrived from the truck outside (you order and they bring it in the pub for you), I intentionally suggested how good the cubano is and how they use lard for their fries...

The millennials scrunched up their faces in disgust and brought to my attention that they were vegan.

I paused for a moment with a look of confusion and with a deadpan straight face I ask, "but your in here drinking at Jackrabbit? Where do you think the Hops comes from!" I grabbed my phone and pulled up some "cock ale" references and mentioned that Jackrabbit took its name due to the abundance of jacks out here and its a regional variant of cock-ales.

The local almost lost their beer laughing so hard.

The Millennials spit out their beer and left immediately.

Couple free round for me and another epic pub BS story to remember forever.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Pretty damn good story.

There's some ignorantly trendy folks out there. Back in the late 80s I was once ordering pizza for a group of friends. One of the dates they had brought with them refused to eat sausage pizza. Said she was vegetarian. I'm like ok, I ordered cheese for her, sausage for others and I order a pepperoni with pepperchini for myself. She tells me after I hang up she'd eat pepperoni and pepperchini. Said she likes peppers.... LoL

 

[Imhoppy]

Pretty damn good story.

There's some ignorantly trendy folks out there. Back in the late 80s I was once ordering pizza for a group of friends. One of the dates they had brought with them refused to eat sausage pizza. Said she was vegetarian. I'm like ok, I ordered cheese for her, sausage for others and I order a pepperoni with pepperchini for myself. She tells me after I hang up she'd eat pepperoni and pepperchini. Said she likes peppers.... LoL

Uhhhh, what color was her hair? [emoji481]

 

[Schlenkerla]

Uhhhh, what color was her hair? [emoji481]

Red.... LoL.

She was a true redhead with lots freckles.

 

[S-Met]

Uhhhh, what color was her hair? [emoji481]

Red.... LoL.

She was a true redhead with lots freckles.

 

[Imhoppy]

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked her if she wanted her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

 

[Abrayton]

A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says sorry we don’t serve strings here.
The string goes outside, starts pulling himself apart and twisting himself up.
He goes back into the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says are you that string that was just in here.
He replies, no I’m a frayed knot.

 

[Still Brewn]

Saw a sign on a store in Iuka, MS, in 1976. Sale prices on 'lawn mores' and 'panty hoes'. I hope their educational system has gotten better since then.

Unfortunately, it has not. Below is US News and World Report's ranking of k-12 education ranking by state. I guess I should take that back, it has improved they use to always be 49-50. MS and AL always seemed to be competing for the bottom of the barrel. Lousiana was always close at hand also.

 

[catdaddy66]

Unfortunately, it has not. Below is US News and World Report's ranking of k-12 education ranking by state. I guess I should take that back, it has improved they use to always be 49-50. MS and AL always seemed to be competing for the bottom of the barrel. Lousiana was always close at hand also.

View attachment 649203

Damn! My state (SC) has risen to #41!! Used to vie for the bottom two spots with Mississippi...