Stupid Joke Thread!

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A blond comes upon a brunette jumping up and down on the railroad tracks, saying "52, 52, 52, 52". The blonde starts jumping up and down next to her, saying "52, 52, 52, 52". The brunette steps off when the train comes by then resumes her place, saying "53, 53, 53, 53".

My blond daughter told me that one.
 
Car Shopping

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."
 
Q: Why do birds look so funny?
A: Their pecker is in the middle of their face.


What made me remember the joke. I went into this BBQ place and the hostess was wearing a t-shirt with these great big googly eyes over her breasts. I tried not to obviously look down at her t-shirt because I was thinking it may say something like "this is the only way to get men to look me in the eyes". Finally got a better look at her t-shirt and there was a beak printed on the front of the shirt between her googly eyes.
 
ba-brewer said:
Q: Why do birds look so funny?
A: Their pecker is in the middle of their face.


What made me remember the joke. I went into this BBQ place and the hostess was wearing a t-shirt with these great big googly eyes over her breasts. I tried not to obviously look down at her t-shirt because I was thinking it may say something like "this is the only way to get men to look me in the eyes". Finally got a better look at her t-shirt and there was a beak printed on the front of the shirt between her googly eyes.
Click to expand...


Photos, please!
 
A man goes to his girlfriend's parent's house for Thanksgiving.

He's really nervous as this is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas.

While they're sitting there watching TV in the family room it isn't so bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud. Also, the parent's big old dog Harold is licking his balls and everyone can hear that. So he can sit there and fart into the couch without anyone hearing a thing.

But then everybody gets called into the dining room and he still has really bad gas, though he relaxes a little when the dog moves under the table to continue licking his balls.

After a while he just can't hold it in anymore and to his horror the fart comes out with enough force to rattle the silverware. Nobody says anything for a moment before the mom yells, "HAROLD! Get out of there."

The dog slowly comes out from under the table and goes back to the living room.

The guy is amazed as everybody goes back to eating and talking, they think the dog did it.

A little while later he feels another fart coming, bigger than the first. He looks around and realizes the dog is back under the table licking its balls again. So he relaxes and lets the gas go. This one shakes the table so hard some of the silverware falls off.

Everyone is quiet. Then, the mom again yells, "HAROLD, get out of there!"

The dog obediently goes back to the living room. 20 minutes pass and they are about to start on dessert when he feels the mother of all farts trying to punch its way through his colon. He's really stressed but a quick glance confirms the dog is back under the table!

Feeling confident he just lets it free. It shakes the silverware. It shakes the table. It shakes the windows. And suddenly everything is quiet. Until the mom yells, "DAMMIT, HAROLD. Get out from under that table right now before he poops on you!"
 
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.

Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work.

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.

Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.

A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.

She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.

So she ran upstairs, and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.

He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
 
A boy is invited to Thanksgiving dinner at his girlfriend's parent's house so that they can meet him.

They've been together a while but haven't had sex yet.

His girlfriend tells him that after he meets her parents they can "get intimate". So in preparation, he decides to get some condoms at the local drugstore.

As this will be his first time, he doesn't know anything about condoms and so he asks the pharmacist what he should buy.

The pharmacist explains all about the differences between the brands and after a long chat the boy decides on a large box of "ribbed for her pleasure".

The time comes for the Thanksgiving dinner and the young couple are seated at the dinner table with the girl's parents.

The girl is surprised to see the boy has his head bowed down apparently deep in prayer.

She whispers to him, "I didn't know you were so religious!"

He whispers back, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
 
A couple were driving home from Thanksgiving dinner at their friend's house when they hit a skunk. The wife jumped out of the car and was relieved to find the skunk wounded but alive.

She picked it up and took it back to the car saying to her husband, "We need to take it to a vet. It's shivering; it must be cold, what should I do?"

Her husband replied, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

"But it stinks!" she said.

"So hold its nose!"
 

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