AkTom
Well-Known Member
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, You are the first weasel I’ve served. What do weasels drink? Pop, goes the weasel.
Stupid Joke Thread!
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charliethebum
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What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About four pints.
About four pints.
charliethebum
Well-Known Member
A bullfrog walks into a bank looking for a personal loan. All he has for collateral is a trinket which he claims his father, mick jagger gave him. The banker, paddy whack, tells the frog to wait while he discusses it with the bank manager. After being given the rundown, the bank manager tells him "it's a nick-nack, paddy whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone! "
What's the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?
Beer nuts usually run about 1.50 a sack, but you will always find Deer nuts under a Buck.
Beer nuts usually run about 1.50 a sack, but you will always find Deer nuts under a Buck.
homebrewer_99
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I heard it as a Hummel...
homebrewer_99
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A lot like the guy who tried to sue Budweiser. Claimed he kept going to bed with 10s and waking up with 2s.
homebrewer_99
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So, I said to my wife with the wooden leg, Peg...
Would I?!
Are you sure her name isn't Ilene?
homebrewer_99
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OK, this is kind of long and repetitious so BEAR with me.
SET UP: This is my favorite bear joke. It's also one that REQUIRES you to be in the company of friends because you're going to have to select one to be the butt of the joke.
Here goes:
This guy is channel surfing one weekend. He comes to a show on bear hunting and gets pretty interested.
He's so interested that he goes and gets a hunting license and a gun.
The following weekend he heads out to the woods and sees a bunch of berry bushes moving. As he gets closer he sees a big bear.
The guy raises his rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down!
He's so excited that he runs up to the bear. As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up and grabs him and says: Either you have sex (it's here that you can insert a BJ or your favorite whatever) with me or I'm going to kill you.
So, the guy has sex with the bear.
Not only is he embarrassed he's angry as hell.
He goes into town and buys a bigger gun hoping he gets the better of the bear this time.
Back in the woods he finds that same old berry bush. Sure enough, the bear stands up again and sniffs the air.
The guy raises his new rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down again.
This time he's a little more cautious than the first time, but he still has to check on the bear. As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up and grabs him and says: Either you have sex with me or I'm going to kill you.
So, the guy has sex with the bear a second time!
Not only is he embarrassed and angry as hell again, he wants REVENGE!
He goes into town and buys the BIGGEST gun on the shelf and doesn't care what his wife will think about all the money he's spent. He needs to get that damned bear.
Back in the woods he finds that same old berry bush. Sure enough, the bear stands up again and sniffs the air.
The guy raises his new rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down for the third time.
This time he's even more cautious than the second time, but he still has to check on the bear.
As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up (this is where you need to be standing by one of your friends) he (you) puts his arm around the hunter (your friend) and says: YOU'RE NOT REALLY HERE FOR THE HUNTING ARE YOU?
SET UP: This is my favorite bear joke. It's also one that REQUIRES you to be in the company of friends because you're going to have to select one to be the butt of the joke.
Here goes:
This guy is channel surfing one weekend. He comes to a show on bear hunting and gets pretty interested.
He's so interested that he goes and gets a hunting license and a gun.
The following weekend he heads out to the woods and sees a bunch of berry bushes moving. As he gets closer he sees a big bear.
The guy raises his rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down!
He's so excited that he runs up to the bear. As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up and grabs him and says: Either you have sex (it's here that you can insert a BJ or your favorite whatever) with me or I'm going to kill you.
So, the guy has sex with the bear.
Not only is he embarrassed he's angry as hell.
He goes into town and buys a bigger gun hoping he gets the better of the bear this time.
Back in the woods he finds that same old berry bush. Sure enough, the bear stands up again and sniffs the air.
The guy raises his new rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down again.
This time he's a little more cautious than the first time, but he still has to check on the bear. As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up and grabs him and says: Either you have sex with me or I'm going to kill you.
So, the guy has sex with the bear a second time!
Not only is he embarrassed and angry as hell again, he wants REVENGE!
He goes into town and buys the BIGGEST gun on the shelf and doesn't care what his wife will think about all the money he's spent. He needs to get that damned bear.
Back in the woods he finds that same old berry bush. Sure enough, the bear stands up again and sniffs the air.
The guy raises his new rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down for the third time.
This time he's even more cautious than the second time, but he still has to check on the bear.
As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up (this is where you need to be standing by one of your friends) he (you) puts his arm around the hunter (your friend) and says: YOU'RE NOT REALLY HERE FOR THE HUNTING ARE YOU?
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He was fingering "A" minor.
He was fingering "A" minor.
OP
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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
OP
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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
OP
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Yo mama so ugly when Santa came down the chimney he said ho! ho! hoooollly $hit!
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OP
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One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Abrayton
Well-Known Member
Two baby seals walk into a club
Thought most seals avoided the club scene.
Abrayton
Well-Known Member
What do you do when you miss your wife? Take a deep breath and aim again.
AkTom
Well-Known Member
Or take her halibut fishing. And forget to bring her back.
Abrayton
Well-Known Member
Attachments
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
The Montana Board of Labor and Industry got a tip that a rancher wasn't paying his employees properly, so they dispatched an investigator. Upon arriving at the ranch, the investigator introduces himself to the owner and tells him that he needs to speak to all his employees about possible wage violations.
The rancher tells him "I run a pretty small operation, so this should be easy. I've got my right-hand man that works 40 hours a week for $1200 plus room and board. Then I have the housekeeper who works 40 hours a week for $1000 plus room and board. Finally, I've got the half-wit. He works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for just $10 an hour. Every once in a while I buy him a bottle of bourbon and on special occasions he gets to have sex with my wife."
The investigator gets all excited and says, "I need to talk to the half-wit then!"
To which the rancher replied, "You are talking to him!"
The rancher tells him "I run a pretty small operation, so this should be easy. I've got my right-hand man that works 40 hours a week for $1200 plus room and board. Then I have the housekeeper who works 40 hours a week for $1000 plus room and board. Finally, I've got the half-wit. He works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for just $10 an hour. Every once in a while I buy him a bottle of bourbon and on special occasions he gets to have sex with my wife."
The investigator gets all excited and says, "I need to talk to the half-wit then!"
To which the rancher replied, "You are talking to him!"
Abrayton
Well-Known Member
A father, mother and young daughter are driving to church one Sunday morning singing hymns.
In the car in front of them a husband and wife are have a horrible argument, when suddenly the wife pulls out a knife, cuts her husbands junk off and throws it out the window.
SMACK, the severed member hits the church family’s windshield, sticks for a second, then slides off.
Startled, the young daughter asks “what was that!”
Thinking quickly, the father says, “nothing honey, just a bug.”
“WOW”, the daughter exclaimes, “it sure had a big dick!”
In the car in front of them a husband and wife are have a horrible argument, when suddenly the wife pulls out a knife, cuts her husbands junk off and throws it out the window.
SMACK, the severed member hits the church family’s windshield, sticks for a second, then slides off.
Startled, the young daughter asks “what was that!”
Thinking quickly, the father says, “nothing honey, just a bug.”
“WOW”, the daughter exclaimes, “it sure had a big dick!”
How do you stop fish from smelling?
Hold their noses!
Hold their noses!
smurfjuice
Well-Known Member
* Groan * … 
Where do fish keep their money?
In the RiverBank.
In the RiverBank.
AkTom
Well-Known Member
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In the snow bank.
What do you see when a snowman bends over?
Snowballs.
In the snow bank.
What do you see when a snowman bends over?
Snowballs.
Why did frosty the snowman get excited?
He heard the snow blowers were coming.
He heard the snow blowers were coming.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools.
They are always in schools.
Abrayton
Well-Known Member
Why don’t people eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Because they taste funny.
Steveruch
Well-Known Member
Sounds like a class action suit for the 2s.
Kirkwooder
Emperor of all things nobody cares about
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her!
Don't pay her!
Abrayton
Well-Known Member
Why did the potato fall off the plate?
It was baked.
It was baked.
What's the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?
Beer nuts usually cost $1.50 a sack, but you always find Deer nut under a Buck!
Beer nuts usually cost $1.50 a sack, but you always find Deer nut under a Buck!
smurfjuice
Well-Known Member
Did you hear about the kidnapping in town?? … they woke him up.
I'm the world's worst joke teller. Can never remember the punchline.
But here's one from the back of Boy's Life magazine that I forced myself to memorize:
Knock, Knock
Who's There?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking.
Never fails to crack up a certain age of Cubscout.
But here's one from the back of Boy's Life magazine that I forced myself to memorize:
Knock, Knock
Who's There?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking.
Never fails to crack up a certain age of Cubscout.
I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off.
A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!"
I told her, "No, he's OK., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on.
The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing ***** in a residential area.
A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!"
I told her, "No, he's OK., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on.
The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing ***** in a residential area.
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