Stupid Joke Thread!

[day_trippr]

^fun at parties^

 

[homebrewer_99]

^fun at parties^

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

 

[Schlenkerla]

A little trivia: The CORRECT term is FRENCHED FRIES. Frenched means to cut into thin strips.

Then there's "French-cut" as in green beans. Small cuts on a bias.

Another term you may have seen is "Julienne", these are even thinner strips like matchsticks. Veggies are cut this way for salads.

Another strange custom in France is they eat hamburgers with a knife and fork.

Before McDs opened in Germany they advertised on the TV and radio that you don't use utensils there and have to pick the burger up with your hands to eat it.

You're welcome.

I think you'd be the guy there telling these fools how hamburger is made.

"The hamburger meat comes from lesser grade meats and scraps falling off the bones. Leftover meat chunks at the slaughter house don't go to waste, even the stuff that falls on the floor makes it into the ground beef tub. They use a bone stripper to scrap the bones. Sometimes bits of bone get in the meat......They usually take great care to separate the innards from the leftover meat chunks..... 72% lean beef usually has more, chucks of hide and bits of hair in it, but you'd never know by the taste. That's why itd very important to cook ground meat until its got no pink inside it...."

[emoji13]

 

[ba-brewer]

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

That sounds like a scene from Abbott and Costello meet Jerry Seinfeld

 

[Schlenkerla]

That sounds like a scene from Abbott and Costello meet Jerry Seinfeld

I think he'd be talking about lasagna on boat full of sea sick people.

As he steps out of the head,

"Oh don't go in there, the crapper is backed up and spilling out onto the floor...

Is lunch ready? I'm hungry. I could go for some La-sagnaaaah...."

 

[CoreyD]

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

Wouldn't it be the first hand? It does move faster than the other ones. Heck. It passes them every minute.

 

[Schlenkerla]

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

LOL

 

[JohnSand]

The jokes about the jokes are funnier than the jokes.

 

[bleme]

I've always thought it was funny that it is a "pair of panties" but a bra is singular, even though it actually holds a pair...

 

[homebrewer_99]

I've always thought it was funny that it is a "pair of panties" but a bra is singular, even though it actually holds a pair...

Apparently, a "pant" is clothing for 1 leg...

 

[JohnSand]

My favorite sale sign is "Women's Clothes, Half Off!"
"Bikinis 50% Off!" is very enticing too.

 

[ancientmariner52]

My favorite sale sign is "Women's Clothes, Half Off!"
"Bikinis 50% Off!" is very enticing too.

Saw a sign on a store in Iuka, MS, in 1976. Sale prices on 'lawn mores' and 'panty hoes'. I hope their educational system has gotten better since then.

 

[ba-brewer]

Saw a sign on a store in Iuka, MS, in 1976. Sale prices on 'lawn mores' and 'panty hoes'. I hope their educational system has gotten better since then.

The farmer cyst wandered why so many men were in cue four the big whore moan sail.

 

[catdaddy66]

Saw a roadside sign once...

"Ho Made Apple Butter"

and the natural response was...

"Bitc# made what????!"

 

[homebrewer_99]

I think you'd be the guy there telling these fools how hamburger is made.

"The hamburger meat comes from lesser grade meats and scraps falling off the bones. Leftover meat chunks at the slaughter house don't go to waste, even the stuff that falls on the floor makes it into the ground beef tub. They use a bone stripper to scrap the bones. Sometimes bits of bone get in the meat......They usually take great care to separate the innards from the leftover meat chunks..... 72% lean beef usually has more, chucks of hide and bits of hair in it, but you'd never know by the taste. That's why itd very important to cook ground meat until its got no pink inside it...."

[emoji13]

That's NOT how I make it. Ours is over 90% lean. We use Eye of Round and Sirloin. Grind out own sausage for biscuits and gravy too. (Never made links). 85/15 is the fattiest we go for chili.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Saw a roadside sign once...

"Ho Made Apple Butter"

and the natural response was...

"Bitc# made what????!"

Sounds oriental to me...

 

[homebrewer_99]

My favorite sale sign is "Women's Clothes, Half Off!"
"Bikinis 50% Off!" is very enticing too.

At a bar our band played, I drove by the place on Monday (after night class) and they changed the marquee. It read (four lines):

Wanted
Organ Player
Wednesday
Ladies Night

 

[homebrewer_99]

This just in:

Phil & Sally, an elderly couple, were at home watching TV.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel - you know how to fish!"

 

[bleme]

 

[homebrewer_99]

A little late...What do witches masturbate with? A hollow weenie...

 

[AkTom]

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, You are the first weasel I’ve served. What do weasels drink? Pop, goes the weasel.

 

[charliethebum]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About four pints.

 

[charliethebum]

A bullfrog walks into a bank looking for a personal loan. All he has for collateral is a trinket which he claims his father, mick jagger gave him. The banker, paddy whack, tells the frog to wait while he discusses it with the bank manager. After being given the rundown, the bank manager tells him "it's a nick-nack, paddy whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone! "

 

[S-Met]

What's the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?

Beer nuts usually run about 1.50 a sack, but you will always find Deer nuts under a Buck.

 

[homebrewer_99]

A bullfrog walks into a bank looking for a personal loan. All he has for collateral is a trinket which he claims his father, mick jagger gave him. The banker, paddy whack, tells the frog to wait while he discusses it with the bank manager. After being given the rundown, the bank manager tells him "it's a nick-nack, paddy whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone! "

I heard it as a Hummel...

 

[homebrewer_99]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About four pints.

A lot like the guy who tried to sue Budweiser. Claimed he kept going to bed with 10s and waking up with 2s.

 

[homebrewer_99]

So, I said to my wife with the wooden leg, Peg...

 

[JohnSand]

Would I?!

 

[S-Met]

So, I said to my wife with the wooden leg, Peg...

Are you sure her name isn't Ilene?

 

[homebrewer_99]

OK, this is kind of long and repetitious so BEAR with me.

SET UP: This is my favorite bear joke. It's also one that REQUIRES you to be in the company of friends because you're going to have to select one to be the butt of the joke.

Here goes:

This guy is channel surfing one weekend. He comes to a show on bear hunting and gets pretty interested.

He's so interested that he goes and gets a hunting license and a gun.

The following weekend he heads out to the woods and sees a bunch of berry bushes moving. As he gets closer he sees a big bear.
The guy raises his rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down!

He's so excited that he runs up to the bear. As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up and grabs him and says: Either you have sex (it's here that you can insert a BJ or your favorite whatever) with me or I'm going to kill you.

So, the guy has sex with the bear.

Not only is he embarrassed he's angry as hell.

He goes into town and buys a bigger gun hoping he gets the better of the bear this time.

Back in the woods he finds that same old berry bush. Sure enough, the bear stands up again and sniffs the air.

The guy raises his new rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down again.

This time he's a little more cautious than the first time, but he still has to check on the bear. As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up and grabs him and says: Either you have sex with me or I'm going to kill you.

So, the guy has sex with the bear a second time!

Not only is he embarrassed and angry as hell again, he wants REVENGE!

He goes into town and buys the BIGGEST gun on the shelf and doesn't care what his wife will think about all the money he's spent. He needs to get that damned bear.

Back in the woods he finds that same old berry bush. Sure enough, the bear stands up again and sniffs the air.

The guy raises his new rifle and aims center mass at the bear...BOOM! The gun goes off and the bear goes down for the third time.

This time he's even more cautious than the second time, but he still has to check on the bear.

As he reaches the bear, the bear stands up (this is where you need to be standing by one of your friends) he (you) puts his arm around the hunter (your friend) and says: YOU'RE NOT REALLY HERE FOR THE HUNTING ARE YOU?