Stupid Joke Thread!

[ThirstyPawsHB]

Two prospector out searching for gold in the wild west and one gets bit on the azz by a rattle snake while taking a crap. The other prospector runs in town to get the doctor, but when he finds the doctor he is busy patching up the sheriff and cant leave. The Doc though tell him "don't move your friend or the venom will spread and he will die, just cut the wound and suck out the blood and venom and he will be fine". He finally makes it back to camp and the first prospector asks "where is the Doc, what did he say?" The other prospector replies, Doc said your going to die.

I believe the original joke refers to the pee-pee..works either way.

 

[homebrewer_99]

I do...

You say that like it's a bad thing...twice the work equal twice the fun!

You guys are an easy crowd...I like that.

 

[smurfjuice]

And now to get back to beer stuff...

View attachment 586937
you’re gonna love it down under!

Smuggling peas i'll wager ...

 

[ancientmariner52]

Two prospector out searching for gold in the wild west and one gets bit on the azz by a rattle snake while taking a crap. The other prospector runs in town to get the doctor, but when he finds the doctor he is busy patching up the sheriff and cant leave. The Doc though tell him "don't move your friend or the venom will spread and he will die, just cut the wound and suck out the blood and venom and he will be fine". He finally makes it back to camp and the first prospector asks "where is the Doc, what did he say?" The other prospector replies, Doc said your going to die.

Reminds me of the cowboy who thought he'd been bitten by a buzzworm while answering a call of nature. Certain he was going to die, he consulted a doctor. Doc said he'd be fine, he'd just squatted down on his own spurs.

Then there was the feller who squatted and got 'himself' caught in a hidden bear trap. When telling about it later, someone remarked that it must have really hurt when the jaws snapped shut. "Naw", he said. "It didn't really hurt til I got to the end of that chain."

 

[doug293cz]

Two prospector out searching for gold in the wild west and one gets bit on the azz by a rattle snake while taking a crap. The other prospector runs in town to get the doctor, but when he finds the doctor he is busy patching up the sheriff and cant leave. The Doc though tell him "don't move your friend or the venom will spread and he will die, just cut the wound and suck out the blood and venom and he will be fine". He finally makes it back to camp and the first prospector asks "where is the Doc, what did he say?" The other prospector replies, Doc said your going to die.

I heard Bob Hope tell this joke, about Bing Crosby, in 1969 at a University of Washington performance. True story.

Edit: Bob didn't say "ass": he said "happy fat," and pointed to his ass to make sure we knew what he was talking about.

Brew on

 

[doug293cz]

I heard Bob Hope tell this joke, about Bing Crosby, in 1969 at a University of Washington performance. True story.

Brew on

Speaking of Bob Hope, my dad is the one who doesn't seem to know how to wear his hat straight. I assume this is a WWII era USO show photo.

Brew on

 

[ba-brewer]

I believe the original joke refers to the pee-pee..works either way.

Same punch line different setup.​

I heard Bob Hope tell this joke, about Bing Crosby, in 1969 at a University of Washington performance. True story.

Edit: Bob didn't say "ass: he said "happy fat."

Brew on

It must of been somewhere around 1969 maybe a year or two later when I heard that joke.

 

[jcav]

I heard it in the 70's where the Lone Ranger got bit and Tonto had to go find out what to do and then Tonto came back and said "Your gonna die!" Nice pic of your dad and Bob Hope, Doug!

John

 

[homebrewer_99]

And now to get back to beer stuff...

View attachment 586937
you’re gonna love it down under!

Man, oh man, I hope "You're going to like it down under" means she likes it on top...

 

[S-Met]

•What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback.

•Hey man you got any Sodium Hypobromite?
…NaBrO

•What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White Vans.

Did ya know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans!

•I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

•When chemists die, they barium.

•Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

•I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
•How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

•I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

•This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

•I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

•I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

•They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

•This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

•I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

•A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.

•When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

•I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

•Broken pencils are pointless.

•What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

•England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

•I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

•I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

•I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

•Velcro – what a rip off!

•Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

•I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”. But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

•Why did Timmy hate eating clocks?
It was really time consuming.

•Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because, if it had 4 doors it would be chicken sedan.

•Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre

 

[S-Met]

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Everyone chuckles, and the vendor makes the dog. The Buddhist hands him a twenty, the vendor pockets it & moves on to the next customer. The Buddhist complains, “Hey where’s my change.” And the Vendor replies, “Ah, change comes from within.”

 

[S-Met]

A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!” The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “hey, aren’t you that rope I just kicked out?” And the rope replied “no, I’m a frayed knot.”

 

[S-Met]

A woman walks into a drugstore and is staring at the shampoo aisle for an unusually long time. Finally she goesup to the pharmacist and asks, "My fiancee has bad dandruff, do you know what I should give him?"

The pharmacist replied, "have you tried Head&Shoulders?"

The woman questioned, "I didn't think that stuff really works, but I've tried everything else."

A few weeks later, the pharmacist sees the woman in the store again and asks if her fiancee's dandruff is improving? The woman shakes her head and says its as bad as before. The pharmacist then asked about the Head&Shoulders?

The woman replied, "wll kinda, but how do you give shoulders?"

 

[homebrewer_99]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir?

'We have - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie and Skater Barbie, all of which cost $19.95 each.

And we also have Divorced Barbie, for $265.95.

The amazed father asks:

'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers:

'Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls on it'.

 

[homebrewer_99]

So, I was standing at a bus stop the other day and another guy was already there.

Then this dog comes by, sits down and starts licking his testicles.

The other guy looks at me and said: I wish I could do that.

I said: I don't know. He looks kind of mean, maybe you outta pet him first.

 

[bleme]

I bought some shoes from a homeless guy once. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

 

[homebrewer_99]

So, these two immigrant brothers from the "Old Country" got off the boat.

They're walking around NYC all day and one says: You getting hungry?

Yeah, I am.
Where do you think we should eat?
Well, there looks like some people lining up for food. Let's go there.

They get in line and it moves pretty quickly.
They look at the sign then each other and say: It says "HOT DOG". Surely in the land of plenty they don't eat dog...do you think?
I don't know, but if everyone else is eating it what can it hurt?

So they get up to the counter and the guy asks: Wadda ya want?
They say: I don't know we never had "hot dog".

The guy says: You can have it regular or with everything on it.
They say: We'll take one of each.

The guy makes them up, they pay and start walking away.

They take the two hot dogs out of the bag and unwrap them.

The first one is loaded with mustard, relish and sauerkraut, the other is just plain.

The brother with the plain one says: What part of the dog did you get?

 

[S-Met]

My mother makes the best Matzah Ball soup. It is so good, makes me wonder what the rest of a Matzah tastes like

 

[ba-brewer]

A young man from Paris comes to America and gets hired to work as a ranch hand. On his first day of work they are castrating the lambs and the ranch boss tells him to take the bucket of lamb balls to the cook, he is going to make them into lamb fries for dinner. A little later the ranch boss sees the young man heading for main gate in hurry with his stuff and asks "Why are you leaving?" The young man replied "The cook said we were also having French fries for dinner".

 

[homebrewer_99]

A young man from Paris comes to America and gets hired to work as a ranch hand. On his first day of work they are castrating the lambs and the ranch boss tells him to take the bucket of lamb balls to the cook, he is going to make them into lamb fries for dinner. A little later the ranch boss sees the young man heading for main gate in hurry with his stuff and asks "Why are you leaving?" The young man replied "The cook said we were also having French fries for dinner".

A little trivia: The CORRECT term is FRENCHED FRIES. Frenched means to cut into thin strips.

Then there's "French-cut" as in green beans. Small cuts on a bias.

Another term you may have seen is "Julienne", these are even thinner strips like matchsticks. Veggies are cut this way for salads.

Another strange custom in France is they eat hamburgers with a knife and fork.

Before McDs opened in Germany they advertised on the TV and radio that you don't use utensils there and have to pick the burger up with your hands to eat it.

You're welcome.

 

[day_trippr]

^fun at parties^

 

[homebrewer_99]

^fun at parties^

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

 

[Schlenkerla]

A little trivia: The CORRECT term is FRENCHED FRIES. Frenched means to cut into thin strips.

Then there's "French-cut" as in green beans. Small cuts on a bias.

Another term you may have seen is "Julienne", these are even thinner strips like matchsticks. Veggies are cut this way for salads.

Another strange custom in France is they eat hamburgers with a knife and fork.

Before McDs opened in Germany they advertised on the TV and radio that you don't use utensils there and have to pick the burger up with your hands to eat it.

You're welcome.

I think you'd be the guy there telling these fools how hamburger is made.

"The hamburger meat comes from lesser grade meats and scraps falling off the bones. Leftover meat chunks at the slaughter house don't go to waste, even the stuff that falls on the floor makes it into the ground beef tub. They use a bone stripper to scrap the bones. Sometimes bits of bone get in the meat......They usually take great care to separate the innards from the leftover meat chunks..... 72% lean beef usually has more, chucks of hide and bits of hair in it, but you'd never know by the taste. That's why itd very important to cook ground meat until its got no pink inside it...."

[emoji13]

 

[ba-brewer]

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

That sounds like a scene from Abbott and Costello meet Jerry Seinfeld

 

[Schlenkerla]

That sounds like a scene from Abbott and Costello meet Jerry Seinfeld

I think he'd be talking about lasagna on boat full of sea sick people.

As he steps out of the head,

"Oh don't go in there, the crapper is backed up and spilling out onto the floor...

Is lunch ready? I'm hungry. I could go for some La-sagnaaaah...."

 

[CoreyD]

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

Wouldn't it be the first hand? It does move faster than the other ones. Heck. It passes them every minute.

 

[Schlenkerla]

I try...

Do you realize that the second hand on your watch (analog, not digital) is REALLY the third hand? And why are they called "hands" when they obviously look like "arms"? Curiouser and curiouser...

LOL

 

[JohnSand]

The jokes about the jokes are funnier than the jokes.

 

[bleme]

I've always thought it was funny that it is a "pair of panties" but a bra is singular, even though it actually holds a pair...

 

[homebrewer_99]

I've always thought it was funny that it is a "pair of panties" but a bra is singular, even though it actually holds a pair...

Apparently, a "pant" is clothing for 1 leg...

 

[JohnSand]

My favorite sale sign is "Women's Clothes, Half Off!"
"Bikinis 50% Off!" is very enticing too.

 

[ancientmariner52]

My favorite sale sign is "Women's Clothes, Half Off!"
"Bikinis 50% Off!" is very enticing too.

Saw a sign on a store in Iuka, MS, in 1976. Sale prices on 'lawn mores' and 'panty hoes'. I hope their educational system has gotten better since then.

 

[ba-brewer]

Saw a sign on a store in Iuka, MS, in 1976. Sale prices on 'lawn mores' and 'panty hoes'. I hope their educational system has gotten better since then.

The farmer cyst wandered why so many men were in cue four the big whore moan sail.

 

[catdaddy66]

Saw a roadside sign once...

"Ho Made Apple Butter"

and the natural response was...

"Bitc# made what????!"

 

[homebrewer_99]

I think you'd be the guy there telling these fools how hamburger is made.

"The hamburger meat comes from lesser grade meats and scraps falling off the bones. Leftover meat chunks at the slaughter house don't go to waste, even the stuff that falls on the floor makes it into the ground beef tub. They use a bone stripper to scrap the bones. Sometimes bits of bone get in the meat......They usually take great care to separate the innards from the leftover meat chunks..... 72% lean beef usually has more, chucks of hide and bits of hair in it, but you'd never know by the taste. That's why itd very important to cook ground meat until its got no pink inside it...."

[emoji13]

That's NOT how I make it. Ours is over 90% lean. We use Eye of Round and Sirloin. Grind out own sausage for biscuits and gravy too. (Never made links). 85/15 is the fattiest we go for chili.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Saw a roadside sign once...

"Ho Made Apple Butter"

and the natural response was...

"Bitc# made what????!"

Sounds oriental to me...

 

[homebrewer_99]

My favorite sale sign is "Women's Clothes, Half Off!"
"Bikinis 50% Off!" is very enticing too.

At a bar our band played, I drove by the place on Monday (after night class) and they changed the marquee. It read (four lines):

Wanted
Organ Player
Wednesday
Ladies Night

 

[homebrewer_99]

This just in:

Phil & Sally, an elderly couple, were at home watching TV.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel - you know how to fish!"

 

[bleme]

 

[homebrewer_99]

A little late...What do witches masturbate with? A hollow weenie...