Stupid Joke Thread!

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Did you know that people eat more bananas than monkeys?


Oh yeah. When's the last time you saw a person eat a monkey?


[except of course: monkey meat is common in bush meat stalls in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Central Africa in general, with red-tailed and crowned guenons, baboons and agile mangabeys being the most common]
 
balrog said:
[except of course: monkey meat is common in bush meat stalls in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Central Africa in general, with red-tailed and crowned guenons, baboons and agile mangabeys being the most common]
Click to expand...
Thanks for inserting something educational into the Stupid Joke Thread. I can rationalize that I'm not wasting my time here.
 
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Guy walks into a bar dressed quite nicely and orders three shots of whiskey. He drinks each separately and leaves.

Next week the guy comes back in at the same time and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks him why he doesn’t just get one large drink. The guy says his two brothers are in the military and he was drinking for them too.

A week later the same guy comes in and orders two shots. The bartender hesitates and then says he’s sorry to ask but he hopes something didn’t happen to one of his brothers. The guy replies, “No my brothers are fine, I just quit drinking.”
 
My neighbor is a lovely 90 yr old man, suffering a little Alzheimers. Trouble is, he knocks on my door every single day at 9am asking where his wife is. I have to explain, every single day, that she died years ago. Every day this goes on. I've thought about not answering the door. I've thought about moving.

But it's worth it just to see the big ole smile on his face when he finds out she's gone.
 
balrog said:
My neighbor is a lovely 90 yr old man, suffering a little Alzheimers. Trouble is, he knocks on my door every single day at 9am asking where his wife is. I have to explain, every single day, that she died years ago. Every day this goes on. I've thought about not answering the door. I've thought about moving.

But it's worth it just to see the big ole smile on his face when he finds out she's gone.
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🎼”I’m sure gonna’ miss her, when I get home…”
 
The Detroit Lions had put together what they felt like was a great team with all the pieces in place to win a championship the next season. They only lacked a quarterback that could lead them to victory. After failing to find anyone to sign or trade for, one of the scouts set out to travel the world to find a diamond in the rough who could be their guy.

He finally found himself in Afghanistan where he came across a young freedom fighter with impressive physical traits and leadership qualities. He watched as the young man pulled the pin from a grenade and threw it, and thought to himself "Wow, this guy has an amazing arm.....this is our guy." So he signed the young man to be the Detroit Lions new quarterback.

The following season, the Lions did indeed win the SuperBowl, and the young man called up his mother and said "Mom, aren't you proud of me? I won a SuperBowl!"

His mother bitterly responded "No, I'm not proud of you, and I don't care anything about that."

He said "But mom, what we've done is a great accomplishment. Why aren't you happy for me?"

She said "Because your father was injured by the constant violence. My sons are afraid to go out because of all the shooting and stabbing. My daughters can't go out for fear of being accosted. There is crime, poverty, disease, and corruption everywhere." She paused, and then said, "I will never, ever forgive you for moving us to Detroit."
 
ncbrewer said:
A friend who had his career in the auto industry told me "You know the best view of Detroit? ... in your rear view mirror."
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“Lions and Tigers and Bears. Oh My!”

Well, maybe not bears. In the industry we used to call it “De Toilet”, or “ the Mistake by the Lake.” But actually Motown has a lot to offer in the surrounding ’burbs. Ann Arbor and U. of M are nearby. And anyone interested in Industry and Technology owes it to themselves to visit the Ford Museum. The ‘Ford’ can take on a bit of a theme park atmosphere, but the museum itself has many interesting and unique exhibits. Well worth the trip.
 
Late, but a little Valentine's Day humor

A guy walks to the post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on pink envelopes with hearts. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over.

His curiosity, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he doing.

Says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
 
An elderly man thinking his
wife was losing her hearing
went about 20' behind her
and asked "Can you hear me
sweetheart?' No reply. Moved
to 10' and inquired again. No
reply. 5' and not a word. A
few inches behind ear, he
asked "Can you hear me now
honey"? His wife said "For the
fourth time, yes.“
 

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