Stupid Joke Thread!

[balrog]

Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon



will cure it.

 

[Sailingeric]

I accidentally said "Shirley" today instead of "Siri".​

Now my phone is stuck on Airplane mode.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

A new technology has been developed that allows doctors to know exactly when someone will have a massive heart attack.

It's called "Peleton".

 

[balrog]

The inventor of the throat lozenge passed away.
There was no coughin' at his funeral.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday.
Then I had probably the largest vowel movement in my life.

 

[balrog]

Did you know that the only reason the Great Pyramids are located in Giza, Egypt



is because they were too heavy for the British Museum to carry back to England?

 

[Sailingeric]

At my job interview they wanted to know if I perform under pressure.​

I said “No, but I’m pretty good with Bohemian Rhapsody”

 

[BongoYodeler]

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke for April Fool’s Day, but you didn’t like it.

I have a great April Fools' joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

When does an April Fools' joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent

 

[balrog]

April's Fool ads are dropping. Anyone else suddenly hear Donna Summer in their brain?

Lookin for some hop tub baby this evening..

 

[day_trippr]

I got that one this morning.
Knowing what "full contact hopping" is actually like (stripping bushels of ripe cones will give you that knowledge) this would be a hard pass for me - unless she is super hot and bare ass nekkid, of course. I'd take one for the team in that case...

Cheers!

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[soccerdad]

Woman approaches clerk at Smith's Pharmacy.
"I need to speak privately with Mr Smith please."
Mr. Smith - "How can I help you ma'am?"
"I need to buy some cyanide"
"I'm sorry ma'am. No can do. It's totally restricted and I risk my license."
Woman shows Mr Smith a photo of his wife and her husband making passionate love."
"Oh that's different, says Mr Smith, I didn't realize that you had a prescription.

 

[balrog]

 

[Sailingeric]

My friend has a bad stutter​

When he tried to tell me his Nana died I was singing the Batman theme with him

 

[soccerdad]

 

[Rish]

I was getting ready to clean my gutters today but fell off a 20 foot ladder. Fortunately, I was on the 2nd rung.

 

[balrog]

How do vets treat canines with a fever?


Mustard.

Cuz mustard is good for a hot dog.

 

[balrog]

What happens if you put ducks in the concrete mixer?
You get quacks in the pavement.

I saw an ad: "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on HIGH". And I thought to myself,
"I can't turn that down!"

 

[balrog]

<seen online>

For all you chefs out there, here's a pro tip: when sauteing your kale use a little coconut oil in the pan.

It helps slide it out into the garbage more easily.

 

[Sailingeric]

Did you hear about the new Origami porn channel?​

It’s paper view only.

 

[Sailingeric]

How do you get people to eat dried grapes?​

By raisin awareness

 

[BongoYodeler]

I asked my doctor for some advice on how to lose weight.
He said "just don't eat anything fatty"
I said "you mean chips, cake, etc?"
He said "No, just don't eat anything, fatty!"

I just bought a new Christmas tree.
My wife asked "are you going to put it up yourself?"
I said "no, I was thinking of putting it in the living room..."

My girlfriend's dog died yesterday. She was really sad, so I went out and got her an identical one. She said "What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs?"

My grief counselor died yesterday, but he was so good I don't even care.

 

[Sailingeric]

What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?​

Virgin Mobile!

 

[balrog]

My half brother and I are no longer allowed


to play with chainsaws.

 

[balrog]

What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?


A FIZZician.

 

[balrog]

<a couple more seen online, then I'll stop. Promise>

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won a no bell prize.

Now that I'm retired people ask me how I fill my days.
As a former chemical engineer, I like to convert beer, wine, bourbon and sometimes vodka
Into urine.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Does anyone know how long it takes to repair a hearing aid?
A friend sent his away two weeks ago and hasn't heard anything since.

My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets ...
But first I've got to want to help myself.

 

[balrog]

 

[soccerdad]

Young boy obsessed with poop: "Dad, do trees poop?"
Father: "Yes son. That's how we get Number 2 pencils."

 

[balrog]

Tip for wives: if your man says he's going to fix something, then he will fix it.

You do not have to keep reminding him every 6 months.

Follow me for more marriage tips.

 

[soccerdad]

Although he missed The Kentucky Derby, rumors suggest that The Dalai Lama will attend both The Preakness and Belmont races.
Apparently he loves Tibet.

 

[Dave77]

Why were the strawberries crying? They found out their parents were in a jam.

 

[balrog]

Kid: Mommy, how was I born?
Mom: Well, one day, Daddy planted this little seed and I took care of it, watered it, and watched it grow into this beautiful plant with gorgeous leaves. Then one day, Daddy and I dried those leaves, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to use protection.

 

[Dave77]

A termite walked into a pub and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[3 Dawg Night]

Three men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked.

 

[Dave77]

A duck walked into a pharmacy and bought some lipstick. He said to the store clerk, "Just put that on my bill..."

 

[Dave77]

Why couldn’t the Italian get into his house?

He had gnocchi.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

Got an AMAZING eye roll from my teenage niece with this one at the zoo the other day. She was looking at the flamingoes:

Me: "You know why flamingoes pull one leg up when they sleep?"
Niece: "No, why?"
Me: "Because if they pulled both legs up, they'd fall down."
Niece: **epic eyeroll**