Stupid Joke Thread!

[homebrewer_99]

Another Rodneyism: I went downtown the other night to pick up a midget hooker. I gave her $20 to go UP on me.

 

[JohnSand]

One more: My wife likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.

 

[catdaddy66]

One more: My wife likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.

I get in a cab at the airport and tell the driver to take me where the action is... He takes me to my house!

 

[bleme]

I asked Siri to tell me a joke:
The bartender says “We don’t serve time travelers here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

[jcav]

Another Rodney classic: "The neighborhood I grew up in was so tough, the babies wore black leather diapers!"

 

[homebrewer_99]

An egg, a slice of bacon and a slice of toast walk into a bar.
The bartender says: Get outta here! We don't serve breakfast.

A friend of mine said he walked into a bar last night.
I asked him if he got hurt...

 

[arturo7]

Two termites walk into a bar.

"Hey, is the bar tender here?"

 

[enkamania]

More Rodney, "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

 

[Schlenkerla]

More Rodney, "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

You could rattle different one of those every day and it doesn't get old. The look on his face with bug-out eyes and him straightening his tie. It's Classic.

 

[Schlenkerla]

 

[Schlenkerla]

 

[Schlenkerla]

 

[bleme]

I bought an elephant for my friend’s room.

He said “Thank!”

I said “Don’t mention it”

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. (HEll if I know)

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (they say no) Works, doesn't it?

 

[Schlenkerla]

If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help uncle jack off an elephant?

 

[JohnSand]

No point in helping a jacked elephant off you...

 

[lschiavo]

It would probably take many hands to get Uncle Jack off an elephant.

 

[JohnSand]

That Uncle Jack was a crazy one when he was drinking. The elephant was a dare.

 

[soccerdad]

So how do you get down off of an elephant?


You don't.

You get down off of a goose.

 

[baldm79]

Well I came here to make a really funny chemistry joke, but it turns out all the goods ones Argon...

 

[mj1angier]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer …............. and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

 

[mj1angier]

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "OK, but I don't want you starting anything in here."

 

[S-Met]

Two couples go on a camping getaway for the weekend. During the day, the men were off doing Manly outdoor things teasing each oher about how sexy the other's girlfriend was. Simultaneously the ladies were doing lady things and teasing one another about how handsome the other's fella was.

Later that night while sitting around the campfire and passing around the bottle of schnapps th begin talking about how they spent the day and started back up with the banter about the other's other. Towards the end of the bottle and smoldering of the fire, they came to an agreement to swap partners for the evening. As one could imagine. Passionate sounds could be heard from both tents into the wee hours of the night.

The next morning, the boys met side to get the fire going for their gals and started talking about last night's events. The first man says, "Last night was unbelievable!" With a big smile, the second guy replied, "I agree, I thought it would be good, but not THAT good!" "What do you say we go wake the gals and see how they made out?"

 

[homebrewer_99]

Scenario: Two guys out on the lake fishing...

#1: I'm thinking about divorcing my wife.
#2: Why?
#1: She hasn't said a word to me in 6 months.
#2: I'd think that one over...a woman like that is hard to find.

 

[baldm79]

What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!

 

[soccerdad]

Two brew club guys decide it's time to sample beer that's been chilled and on the gas for 6 days. The one guy is knocking it back a bit too fast for the other who does NOT want to drive his friend home.

"Hey man, what's up? You're kinda racing ahead there."

"Sorry man, it's my wife. Not even sure I want to go home to her. She said last night that we can only make love on Mondays and Thursdays."

"Oh hell Bud, chin up. You know she cut off the rest of us in the club altogether."

 

[S-Met]

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[S-Met]

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

[S-Met]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[S-Met]

It's Christmas Eve, and Joe (a travelling salesman) has been caught in a terrible snowstorm on his way home from a convention. He's hundreds of miles from home but the snow won't let up, so with a sigh he pulls into the nearest parking lot-- a diner. As he's sitting in his car, thinking sadly about missing his kids' Christmas morning excitement, he decides he might as well go in and get something to eat while the storm is still raging.

The place is empty so he picks out a booth and sits down. The waitress is middle-aged and made-up with festive red lipstick and a flashing Rudolph pin and she's there in no time: "What can I get for ya, hon?" Joe checks his watch-- already past midnight. "Well, I guess it's Christmas morning," he says sadly, "I'll have Eggs Benedict. It's what my mom always used to make."

Seeing as he's the only customer, he's not surprised when his food comes out just a few minutes later. However, he can't figure out why his waitress is carrying it out on a giant hubcap. As she sets it down, smiling, he clears his throat. "Um, I'm sorry," he says, "but why are you serving my eggs on a hubcap?"

The waitress pats his shoulder comfortingly and says, "Oh, you know.... there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

 

[JohnSand]

Thanks for the classics S-Met. I haven't heard the first and fourth for 40 years. Still good for a smile.

 

[jcav]

Yes what ^ John said, still made me crack a smile!

John

 

[homebrewer_99]

Man's Logic:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

[ismellweird]

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Eileen

What do you call a cow with no legs? Doesn't matter he ain't coming!

 

[ismellweird]

What are the 3 rings of marriage? Wedding ring and sufferring! And Engagement ring!

 

[ismellweird]

In memory of my favorite comedian Louis Black:

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, "You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long."

 

[homebrewer_99]

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Eileen

What do you call a cow with no legs? Doesn't matter he ain't coming!

I know these a "dog" jokes...

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left him. Stay!

 

[ismellweird]

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left him. Stay!

I like your twist on the classic cow jokes, good stuff