Stupid Joke Thread!

[soccerdad]

So how do you get down off of an elephant?


You don't.

You get down off of a goose.

 

[baldm79]

Well I came here to make a really funny chemistry joke, but it turns out all the goods ones Argon...

 

[mj1angier]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer …............. and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

 

[mj1angier]

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "OK, but I don't want you starting anything in here."

 

[S-Met]

Two couples go on a camping getaway for the weekend. During the day, the men were off doing Manly outdoor things teasing each oher about how sexy the other's girlfriend was. Simultaneously the ladies were doing lady things and teasing one another about how handsome the other's fella was.

Later that night while sitting around the campfire and passing around the bottle of schnapps th begin talking about how they spent the day and started back up with the banter about the other's other. Towards the end of the bottle and smoldering of the fire, they came to an agreement to swap partners for the evening. As one could imagine. Passionate sounds could be heard from both tents into the wee hours of the night.

The next morning, the boys met side to get the fire going for their gals and started talking about last night's events. The first man says, "Last night was unbelievable!" With a big smile, the second guy replied, "I agree, I thought it would be good, but not THAT good!" "What do you say we go wake the gals and see how they made out?"

 

[homebrewer_99]

Scenario: Two guys out on the lake fishing...

#1: I'm thinking about divorcing my wife.
#2: Why?
#1: She hasn't said a word to me in 6 months.
#2: I'd think that one over...a woman like that is hard to find.

 

[baldm79]

What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!

 

[soccerdad]

Two brew club guys decide it's time to sample beer that's been chilled and on the gas for 6 days. The one guy is knocking it back a bit too fast for the other who does NOT want to drive his friend home.

"Hey man, what's up? You're kinda racing ahead there."

"Sorry man, it's my wife. Not even sure I want to go home to her. She said last night that we can only make love on Mondays and Thursdays."

"Oh hell Bud, chin up. You know she cut off the rest of us in the club altogether."

 

[S-Met]

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[S-Met]

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

[S-Met]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[S-Met]

It's Christmas Eve, and Joe (a travelling salesman) has been caught in a terrible snowstorm on his way home from a convention. He's hundreds of miles from home but the snow won't let up, so with a sigh he pulls into the nearest parking lot-- a diner. As he's sitting in his car, thinking sadly about missing his kids' Christmas morning excitement, he decides he might as well go in and get something to eat while the storm is still raging.

The place is empty so he picks out a booth and sits down. The waitress is middle-aged and made-up with festive red lipstick and a flashing Rudolph pin and she's there in no time: "What can I get for ya, hon?" Joe checks his watch-- already past midnight. "Well, I guess it's Christmas morning," he says sadly, "I'll have Eggs Benedict. It's what my mom always used to make."

Seeing as he's the only customer, he's not surprised when his food comes out just a few minutes later. However, he can't figure out why his waitress is carrying it out on a giant hubcap. As she sets it down, smiling, he clears his throat. "Um, I'm sorry," he says, "but why are you serving my eggs on a hubcap?"

The waitress pats his shoulder comfortingly and says, "Oh, you know.... there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

 

[JohnSand]

Thanks for the classics S-Met. I haven't heard the first and fourth for 40 years. Still good for a smile.

 

[jcav]

Yes what ^ John said, still made me crack a smile!

John

 

[homebrewer_99]

Man's Logic:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

[ismellweird]

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Eileen

What do you call a cow with no legs? Doesn't matter he ain't coming!

 

[ismellweird]

What are the 3 rings of marriage? Wedding ring and sufferring! And Engagement ring!

 

[ismellweird]

In memory of my favorite comedian Louis Black:

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, "You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long."

 

[homebrewer_99]

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Eileen

What do you call a cow with no legs? Doesn't matter he ain't coming!

I know these a "dog" jokes...

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left him. Stay!

 

[ismellweird]

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left him. Stay!

I like your twist on the classic cow jokes, good stuff

 

[homebrewer_99]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin.

When a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunk’s.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts piss off, ya fookin little ******s, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!

Sister Mary Immaculalta then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?

 

[homebrewer_99]

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

 

[enkamania]

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Two obnoxious businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop at the mall.

The shop wasn't ready and only had a few shelves set up.


One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior pensioner is going to walk by, put their

face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the

window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"


One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."


Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well...I see you only have two left."

 

[homebrewer_99]

 

[jcav]

What was the most perverted thing ever said on a television show!





"Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night!"

 

[homebrewer_99]

What was the most perverted thing ever said on a television show! "Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night!"

I know that joke as "What was the first R-rated line on TV?"


SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER : ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

 

[homebrewer_99]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM. Can you believe that...2:30 AM? Lucky for him I was still up practicing my Bagpipe.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're not listening".

The wife was counting all the nickles and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

An Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

[homebrewer_99]

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press 1 for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?



HEY! You guys started it...


An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied, "The balcony".

 

[homebrewer_99]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and
asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"


He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."