Stupid Joke Thread!

[Schlenkerla]

Italian Chef Jokes.

 

[S-Met]

A brontosaurus walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve Long Necks here."

 

[catdaddy66]

A guy is stranded on a desert island for 30 years. One day he sees a ship on the horizon and a rowboat heading toward him. When the sailor gets out of the boat the man grabs him and begins to weep tears of joy.

"I have been marooned 30 years and honestly never thought I would EVER be rescued!"

The sailor looks around the island and notices three structures. He asks the man what the first one is and he answers "that's my house! I have lived there the entire time I have been here."

The sailor nods then asks about the second structure. "That's my church! My faith kept me strong and is a big reason I survived for all those years."

Again the sailor nods, then asks about the third structure.

The man answers "that's where I used to go to church."

(You may get that joke quicker if you're baptist lolol)

 

[bleme]

A recent study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.I cant even remember the last time I ate a monkey.

 

[JonM]

This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas ...

 

[ancientmariner52]

This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas ...

Hooray for Captain Spalding....

 

[S-Met]

This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas ...

Yes, but the real question is:
What was the elephant doing in your pajamas in the first place?

 

[Boomer]

My brother has Collies. I was there this past weekend and kept asking them:

“Hey Phoebe, hey Bella, why the long faces?”

He was over it after about the 3rd or 4th time. I didn’t stop. Had to have asked them 200 times while I was there.

 

[lschiavo]

I didn’t stop. Had to have asked them 200 times while I was there.

"Let's not invite my brother over next time eh?"

 

[Boomer]

"Let's not invite my brother over next time eh?"

That’s what I was going for.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

 

[Schlenkerla]

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“I wonder if it’s mine.”

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do screen doors and blondes have in common?

The more you bang them, the looser they get.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What’s the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do blondes and dog $hit have in common?

The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why do blondes make awful bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

 

[lschiavo]

Shhhh. My wife's a blond.

A blonde was sitting in the train station reading the paper. The headline read, 12 Brazilian soldiers killed in shoot out.

She turned to the man next to her and asked, "How many is a brazilian?"

 

[sonic7173]

How does a blonde know when sex is over? The interior light comes on.

 

[sonic7173]

Me to my blonde wife, " how many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?" She says "how the hell should I know, nobody can fit inside one of those"

 

[Schlenkerla]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

 

[WestMichiganSteelheader]

So a bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, we don’t serve no beer to no bears in this bar.

The bear says, it’s hot and dusty I only want one beer. Again, the bartender says we don’t serve no beer to no bears in this bar.

Angerly, the bear says, if you don’t give me a beer I’m going to maul that woman sitting in the corner. Once again, the bartender says we don’t serve no beer to bears in this bar.

The bear goes over and mauls the woman. Returning to the bar, the bear demands a beer.

The bartender says we don’t serve not beer to no bears in this bar. Especially one on drugs. The bear replies, on drugs? The bartender says, that was a barbiturate.

 

[S-Met]

While speeding down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting to catch speeders.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What’s your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I’m late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?’"

"I’m a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A... what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked in awe.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge. . ."

 

[homebrewer_99]

A skeleton walks in to a bar. The bartender says "Wadda ya have?" The skeleton says " A beer and an mop."

What do you call a blond with a runny nose? Full...

 

[Boomer]

 

[Dland]

Here's some good ones from another forum I visit:

 

[homebrewer_99]

Easy turbo.

Actually, I was in Montana once and we stopped at a small town for the night. (Just did some research, it was in Reed Point, MT). The sidewalks were made of wood. The hotel rooms had racks of old western costumes that you could wear down to dinner. And there were signs for the annual sheep round up posted all over town. I SWEAR!

 

[homebrewer_99]

Here's some good ones from another forum I visit:

Church marquees are funny too.

I remember one: God said, Don't make me come down there...

 

[S-Met]

 

[catdaddy66]

Church marquees are funny too.

I remember one: God said, Don't make me come down there...

I saw that sign in 1999 in Myrtle Beach SC! I guffawed!!!

 

[homebrewer_99]

View attachment 576377

I was going to say that, but...

This just in:

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

 

[Schlenkerla]

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

 

[bleme]

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

 

[S-Met]

Are you a member of DNA? The National Dyslexic Association?

Dyslexic's of the world, Untie!

 

[S-Met]

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

 

[S-Met]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

 

[S-Met]

Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Dehli Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms

 

[S-Met]

Cell Phone Rudeness

One of our pet peeves is the almost constant
Use of mobile phones by people while driving,
Shopping, dining and in line at the supermarket etc.
Does no one know how to say
'I'll call you right back'?
Well, it has gone beyond that now,
With them being used in relaxing getaway places like at the beach.
This is beyond being inconsiderate.
While on the beach recently,
I had to just sit there and listen to
This woman for at least an hour while
She talked on her mobile phone and
Pranced back forth in front of me.
I couldn't concentrate on my book.

How thoughtless and inconsiderate
Can she be?
I almost got up and moved!!!

 

[S-Met]

Blonde: "What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?"
Redhead: "Y."
Blonde: "Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!"