Stupid Joke Thread!

[homebrewer_99]

A guy is on a business trip. He goes to the bar next to his hotel.

He enters and see's the bartender at the other end. The guy comes down and asks what he wants to drink.

The guy orders a local beer. The bartender also leaves a bowl of peanuts on the bar in front of him.

He takes a couple of drinks, eats a few nuts and orders another beer.

He's sipping on his beer and hears: "Nice shoes". He looks around, there's no one near him. Thinking this is odd, he takes a few more drinks and eats a few more peanuts.

Standing there, he hears: "That haircut fits you". Again, looking around, there is no one near him.

As he takes the last drink from his glass he hears: "Nice tie". OK, now he's thinking something's up but he can't figure out what it is.

The bartender takes a look down the bar and notices his glass is empty and asks if he wants another.

He replies: I'm not sure.
Bartender: Not sure? Why not?
He: Well, I keep hearing voices.
Bartender: What do they say?
He: Well, the first one said, "Nice shoes"; the second one said, "That haircut fits you"; and the third one said, "Nice tie". And there's no one close by to say those things. What gives?
Bartender: Oh, that's just the nuts. They're COMPLIMENTARY...

 

[kevin.seels]

Hmmmm......Maybe Trump just had European whores on his hotel room bed.....

Russia is part of Europe right?

Rusia is part europe and part asia

 

[ncbrewer]

An old maid recently moved, and had her first visit to her new doctor. He first asked if she had ever been bedridden. She answered "Many times, and once in a canoe."

 

[homebrewer_99]

An older woman comes out of the examination room and her husband asked: What did the doctor say?

He said I had a cute vagina. The doctor overheard her and said: No, I said she had acute angina.

 

[homebrewer_99]

A man comes home from work to fund his wife jumping up and down on the bed, giggling something fierce anf full of joy.

The husband asked: What are you so happy about?
The wife said: I just came back from my doctor visit and he said I had the breasts of a 28 year old woman.
The husband asked: Did he say anything about your 60 year old a55?
The wife said: No, your name never came up in conversation.

 

[homebrewer_99]

So, I says to my wife with the wooden leg, Peg...

 

[homebrewer_99]

Riddle: You're at a Halloween costume party. There are 3 pirates there. How do you know which one is a real pirate?

ANSWER: He's the one with the parrot **** down the back of his shirt. ARRGH!

 

[arturo7]

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

 

[ba-brewer]

A streaker once tried to escape the police by running into a church, but they caught him by the organ.

 

[homebrewer_99]

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

That joke is so old Beethoven made it up.

 

[Schlenkerla]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $400?"

 

[Schlenkerla]

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horseshit all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

 

[Schlenkerla]

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said: "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up lada." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

 

[Schlenkerla]

Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local supermarket. Kevin fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager is the typical supermarket employee -- skinny, glasses, and supermarket clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at the store. He says, "Kevin, do you think you have what it takes to work at the 'Big T'?" Kevin laughs to himself, thinking "what a jerk!" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely." The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities?" Again, Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this guy serious?" but he says again, "Absolutely." "Well let me show you how it's done," says the manager. The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed you've got there." "Yep," responds the customer. The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Do you think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?" Kevin actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model. "You see, Kev, that's how it's done. Do you think you can do that?" "Hell, yeah!" says Kevin, "Just watch." Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Kevin looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer. "That's a pretty big box of tampons you got there," says Kevin. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yep." A moment of silence passes and then Kevin blurts out, "Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?" The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?" Kevin winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your damn lawn!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bag and she must have put about 100 condoms in there, and she doesn't even have a penis!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that's a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school; it tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 39 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 145 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex.

 

[Schlenkerla]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything: it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said; "ok, I give up. Where's the boat?"

 

[Schlenkerla]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dang thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while.

Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.

''HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!''

 

[Schlenkerla]

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class. The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

 

[KCBrewer]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

[homebrewer_99]

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

SWALLOWED...Hook, line and sinker...

 

[AkTom]

Hopefully not a repeat...

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows.

 

[smurfjuice]

Groan ... did you hear about the kidnapping in Boston .... they woke him up . man that hurt.

 

[homebrewer_99]

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

After reading all of your jokes all I can say is I now know who stole my joke books...

 

[S-Met]

Bill had worked at the Pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

 

[homebrewer_99]

You guys sharing pages from my joke books now?

 

[harleybug88]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tank...
Tank who?
You're welcome!

 

[arturo7]

I really have to stop opening this thread...

 

[homebrewer_99]

A middle-aged couple went to the local 4H event for the day.

While walking around looking at all the events and animals on display the wife said look at this. It says here that this bull mated 235 times last year. That's a lot of sex.

The husband agreed, then failing to keep his mouth shut, stated that he's sure they weren't all with the same old cow.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Did you know that when you say to your loved one: "When I look in your eyes all time stands still" or "You have the face that can stop a clock", they both actually mean the same thing?

The only difference is one will get you laid and the other one will get you killed.

 

[homebrewer_99]

So, one day O'Hanlon went to the doctor for a check up and took his 2 sons with him.

In the waiting room he told his boys that he is dying of cancer and has only 6 months to live. Feeling down, he says I guess it's time we went to the pub for some ale...but you have to promise not to say a word to anyone about my health. They promise and off to the pub they go.

While there, O'Hanlon tell all his friends that he's dying of "the AIDS".

His sons overhear it and while no one is around ask him why he's telling everyone he's dying of AIDS.

He says, it's simple me boys. I told them I was dying of AIDS so none my friends would be coming over and trying to sleep with your mother after I'm gone.

 

[bleme]

 

[Schlenkerla]

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit a glob into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honored her request and never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The man was stunned and said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I traveled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

 

[Schlenkerla]

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

[Schlenkerla]

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

 

[Schlenkerla]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

 

[Schlenkerla]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

 

[homebrewer_99]

A guy was driving his pick up truck down main street thinking about what to get his wife for an anniversary present.

As he's going, he spots a grandfather clock in the window of a shop. Knowing his wife always wanted one he stops and buys one.

The salesperson asks, "Would you like us to deliver it?"
The guy replies, "No, that's alright, I have my truck parked out front".

So the guy picks up his gf clock and asks the clerk to open the door for him, which he does.

As he's crossing the sidewalk carrying this huge clock a drunk staggers into him.

The guy says, "Hey, watch where you're walking. You almost made me drop my clock".

The drunk looks at him then the clock and back to the man and says, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everyone else"?