Stupid Joke Thread!

[Schlenkerla]

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

 

[bleme]

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

 

[S-Met]

Are you a member of DNA? The National Dyslexic Association?

Dyslexic's of the world, Untie!

 

[S-Met]

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

 

[S-Met]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

 

[S-Met]

Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Dehli Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms

 

[S-Met]

Cell Phone Rudeness

One of our pet peeves is the almost constant
Use of mobile phones by people while driving,
Shopping, dining and in line at the supermarket etc.
Does no one know how to say
'I'll call you right back'?
Well, it has gone beyond that now,
With them being used in relaxing getaway places like at the beach.
This is beyond being inconsiderate.
While on the beach recently,
I had to just sit there and listen to
This woman for at least an hour while
She talked on her mobile phone and
Pranced back forth in front of me.
I couldn't concentrate on my book.

How thoughtless and inconsiderate
Can she be?
I almost got up and moved!!!

 

[S-Met]

Blonde: "What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?"
Redhead: "Y."
Blonde: "Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!"

 

[smurfjuice]

Stoopid joke ...

 

[Schlenkerla]

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[Schlenkerla]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

 

[Schlenkerla]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

 

[Schlenkerla]

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one
another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

 

[Schlenkerla]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

 

[Schlenkerla]

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

 

[S-Met]

But my farts smell good!

 

[S-Met]

Why does Karl Marx dislike Earl Gray?

Because all proper tea is theft
(Because all Property is theft)

 

[JohnSand]

Then it's time to repeat the Descartes joke. (I don't think I posted it here)
Rene Descartes walks into a tea shop. The Proprietor, pleased to see the great philosopher, says "Mr. Descartes! Would you like a cup of tea?"
Descartes replies "I think not." and disappears.

You can look him up if it's too obscure.

 

[ba-brewer]

All I know about Rene Descartes is what I read I in a math book once. It said a doctor told he should stay in bed until noon for some reason or another and one day while laying in bed killing time watching a fly crawl around his ceiling he came up with the Cartesian coordinate system.

 

[baldm79]

Then it's time to repeat the Descartes joke. (I don't think I posted it here)
Rene Descartes walks into a tea shop. The Proprietor, pleased to see the great philosopher, says "Mr. Descartes! Would you like a cup of tea?"
Descartes replies "I think not." and disappears.

You can look him up if it's too obscure.

Took way too long for me to realize that I was overthinking this one.

 

[SteveH aka shetc]

Apparently someone broke into the Atlanta police station last night and stole all the toilets!

Yeah, the cops are saying they have nothing to go on

 

[catdaddy66]

All I know about Rene Descartes is what I read I in a math book once. It said a doctor told he should stay in bed until noon for some reason or another and one day while laying in bed killing time watching a fly crawl around his ceiling he came up with the Cartesian coordinate system.

He wrote the oft quoted phrase "I think, therefore I am."

It was parodied beautifully in the "Drunken Philosophers" song from Monty Python.

 

[ba-brewer]

He wrote the oft quoted phrase "I think, therefore I am."

It was parodied beautifully in the "Drunken Philosophers" song from Monty Python.

I had heard that phrase before but did not know that was who said it. Now I get the joke, thanks.

 

[JohnSand]

Sorry guys, I knew it was a bit of a stretch, but I always liked it.

 

[S-Met]

He wrote the oft quoted phrase "I think, therefore I am."

It was parodied beautifully in the "Drunken Philosophers" song from Monty Python.

I was just thinking about posting this. Glad I'm not the only Flying Circus fan here.

 

[S-Met]

Edited, posted to wrong section.

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

Its not Hard!

 

[homebrewer_99]

A goes goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

So, the doc says he's going to give him a Rorschach test (for the uninitiated: ink blots) and all he has to do is tell him what he sees in the pictures.

In picture 1 he sees 2 women posing nude and hugging.

In picture 2 is 1 man and 2 women having sex.

In picture 3 there's a woman massaging her ****s and smiling.

In picture 4 he sees a man and a woman in the missionary position.

The doc says, this is very interesting. It appears you have an obsession with sex.

The man says "Don't go blaming me...you're the one with the dirty pictures!"