Ugh friends w/kids (sorry long rant)

[ohiobrewtus]

And what sucks about that is, i'm usually following my daughter around b/c she is the smallest one in the group and she gets pushed around and hurt... so i'm that dad chasing the 1yo around making sure her noggin doesn't bounce off anything

At 1yo I can see that. Once they hit 2, they're on their own, though!

Fortunatley, my girls are all giants like me. My 8 year old is 4' 10" already.

 

[shafferpilot]

I love hanging out with our friends that have kids, because I like the kids more than the friends. LOL. BUT it's rediculous to expect to bring those kids to a party at my house that involves drinking. It's like these jack-asses that take their kids to the bar on football days. Then they ignore the kid and drink all day. The parents are the ones that need to make sacrifices, NOT ME. If I want to say, "That Ref is F-ing blind!" in a bar, I don't need some idiot mom giving me the eye. IT'S A BAR, GET THAT DAMN KID OUT OF HERE!! This goes triple for the idiots that let their kid SIT at the bar. This happens every damn week, and I'm sick of it. Next time it happens I'm telling the bartender to kick them out, or I'm calling the cops. It's fine that life changes when you have kids..... So change YOUR life! It's your decision to have kids, not mine. So you can't go hang out with me anymore? fine. My sister had a baby a few months ago, and she's a screaming crying brat 97% of the time. That kid disrupts everything. I love her because she's my niece, but my sister is coddling her non-stop and that's only enhancing the problem. At my mom's house, no complaints. It's family, and my sister needs a chance to hand the little one off and try to relax. When my sister wants to go to dinner with my group of friends and bring the baby, I just want to stay home. It's BS. That baby has NO business in any public place. Sorry sis, but if this means your social life is over, I don't feel one bit sorry for you. It was YOUR choice.

 

[TheJadedDog]

We're both 30 and not only have no kids, but have no plans to have kids. I am right with you on this issue and it's getting worse for us all the time as more and more of our friends have kids.

I try to make do as best I can, only time it's a huge problem is when I forget not to swear in front of the little ones (at least our friends are all understanding about that).

 

[cheezydemon]

Wow this thread is long!

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who have kids, and those who don't understand.

People with kids weren't born that way.

I used to get annoyed by crying babies on airplanes. I thought I understood.
Now that I do have kids. I see that mom with the crying baby and I think "Man I know how hard that can be! People should respect those of us who are taking on the challenge of raising the next generation!"

And then I look around daring anyone to complain about the crying kid on the plane.

 

[Dude]

It's tough, that's for sure. I think that's one reason some friendships fade over the years- once a couple has kids, their priorities change and they think that the sun rises and sets on Jr. And of course, to them it does. I have really enjoyed some people who we never really socialized with as much as I wanted because we were at different places in our lives. And now that my kids are nearly grown, I really don't want to go out to dinner with another couple and their toddlers. (We have friends our age who are grandparents, and friends around our age who are first time parents!)
I guess you have to decide if their friendship means compromise on your part. If not, that's ok, you don't have to. But you may lose their friendship. Or, you can do your best to do one "kid free" outing for each "with kids" thing you do. At least they've given you a warning- I've had people show up for an evening and just bring their kids because they didn't have a sitter. They didn't call or anything- just showed up with toddlers in tow, and my house is certainly not child proof!

It's irritating to people who don't have kids, but that's usually the way it is for new parents. And then when you do get together with them, they talk about their kids 90% of the time anyway!

This is pretty much spot on.

SWMBO and I are kind of in a weird stage with our friends because our kids don't live with us, so we totally know about how having kids makes going out difficult. So we usually don't mind having our friend's kids over too. It is when the kids don't listen and are playing and making noise when the adults are trying to do something, that gets me worked up.

It is a 2 way street. Kids change things. I suggest (and agree with many of the others) it is time to get new friends if things aren't working out both ways.

 

[Reverend JC]

I have some friends that are the "why dont they just get a sitter" kind of people. They just dont get why we would ever throw a party and have our daughter milling about the house. There is drinking and talking and munching and what not. Our daughter just goes round chatting with people (she is 5 so usually about hanna montana) and having a great time. If they dont like it they know where the door is. I do disagree that they asked you to put your dogs away as it is your house.

We have other friends that had a wedding and did not allow kids under the age or 16. I do not understand that. Weddings are about family and friends not family that is old enough and friends who dont bring their kids. That was their choice though. My choice was not to go to their wedding. I felt offended.

And pets as children. This is a hard line that i will take, but do not disrespect my child by saying that one's drooling, cat turd eating, ass licking dog is a child. It is not. It may be the best companion one has ever known, but not a child.

 

[Kevin K]

Simply put, people without kids do not understand how having kids will change you and your priorities.

I'd drop any long term friendship in a second if my friend gave me any indication that he felt that way about my kids.

If someone going to the bathroom to change their kids' diaper annoys you, find different friends man.

You'll understand someday.

 

[Rhoobarb]

... It's like these jack-asses that take their kids to the bar on football days. Then they ignore the kid and drink all day. ... This goes triple for the idiots that let their kid SIT at the bar. ...quote]

Amen to that!

The Buffalo Wild Wings near me is the worst for that. Where I live, a kid can be in a bar, but it's illigal for them to sit at the bar. Still, I see it done and I've only witnessed a handful of times where the bartender told them the anklebiter would need to sit elsewhere.

It just shows no class and no consideration for the kid. Reminds me of the scene at the 1:47 min. mark of .

 

[Bobby_M]

People with kids do a lot of stupid things, especially when they weren't mentally prepared to deal with the added responsibility. Of course, people without kids do stupid things too but that isn't the issue. The cool thing about friend relationships is that you're not required to keep them. If they are a pain in the ass, walk away.

 

[WOP31]

People with kids do a lot of stupid things, especially when they weren't mentally prepared to deal with the added responsibility. Of course, people without kids do stupid things too but that isn't the issue. The cool thing about friend relationships is that you're not required to keep them. If they are a pain in the ass, walk away.

People without kids do a lot of stupid things too.

 

[ohiobrewtus]

Wow this thread is long!

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who have kids, and those who don't understand.

I think that there's 3 kinds. Those who have 2 kids or less, those who have 3 or more, and those who don't understand.

Parenting takes on a whole new meaning when you have 4 kids. It was much less of a PITA with just 2.

 

[cheezydemon]

People with kids do a lot of stupid things, especially when they weren't mentally prepared to deal with the added responsibility. Of course, people without kids do stupid things too but that isn't the issue. The cool thing about friend relationships is that you're not required to keep them. If they are a pain in the ass, walk away.

With all due respect, NO ONE is ever prepared for the added responsibility. Granted, there are those poor souls who should not be allowed to reproduce, but beyond that It is impossible to fully grasp how your life will change.

KIDS BECOME THE PRIORITY. KIDS FILL IN THE HOLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT MADE IT NECESSARY TO WASTE TIME AT BW3's.

NO OFFENSE! I DID NOT UNDERSTAND UNTIL I HAD KIDS!

My best friend in life is now pregnant..(or at least his wife is) I talk to him on the phone, but other than an occasional luch, I have seen him maybe once a year over the last four years. He lives 20 minutes away. He just didn't have kids. He threw parties, went camping with 8 guys and a cooler of beer, went to BW3's, stuff that sounded fun, but it was stuff I won't really do again until my kids move out.

I plan to have a lot more in common with him now. You can bet that we will hang out a lot more.

Kids aren't an inconvenience to be overcome. They are 100X more important than any friendship. Until parents realize that they will be unhappy and trying to hang out with the wrong people.

The people dragging their kids into bars have it wrong. They are trying to cling to friends that are not in the same place in life. It is sad.

It is hard if you are the first of your crowd to have kids, you have moved on, and your friends haven't. They won't have friends again until they meet other people with similar aged kids. That is just the way it is.

Try and be understanding, but do not ask them to leave the kids with a sitter. Take the deal they offer or say no thanks. It isn't a negotiation.

 

[blacklab]

I like kids, don't get me wrong. I've been an uncle since I was 8 or so and I love my niece and nephew.

Thing is, SWMBO and I are 21. We don't have kids, we've got 3 dogs that we treat like kids...but no real kids.

We're friends with a couple that have 2 little girls (like infant and 2 yrs old). They're nice folks and I like hanging out with them. But please, LEAVE YOUR KIDS W/A BABY SITTER! and don't complain to me that you might not be able to afford the $30 for a sitter!

We've been to dinner with them twice, both times were nice and we had a good time. But it's a little annoying when all of a sudden you have to rush to the bathroom to change your kids diaper...

What I'm really pissed about is we went to dinner with them last weekend for his birthday. Afterwards we went to their house and we hung out for a bit. We started talking and decided to have a Greek party sometime...make some Gyros drink some wine...just have a good time. They were all about it and even said "hey if you do that we'll get a sitter and even pick up the wine or something". So I said lets do it this weekend, it's a long weekend and the beginning of the semester it'll be fun.

Now they want to bring thier kids and they're griping about how they've found a sitter but it's going to cost $30 and why can't we just lock up our dogs and all this crap...Sorry but I'm not going to bend about your choice to have kids at a young age.

Am I a dick?? I'm just this guy right now --> and I'll be this guy later ---->

I sense some karmic payback down the road:cross:

 

[shafferpilot]

I used to get annoyed by crying babies on airplanes. I thought I understood.
Now that I do have kids. I see that mom with the crying baby and I think "Man I know how hard that can be! People should respect those of us who are taking on the challenge of raising the next generation!"

And then I look around daring anyone to complain about the crying kid on the plane.

Airplane, bus, church, grocery store, etc. are a different story for me than bar, restaurant, mall, party. Parents often are forced to take their kids to those places. I just remember times when I was young, that my mom packed us up and took us home if we were grumpy in a restaurant even if we hadn't eaten yet. That usually involved a hearty spanking to drive the point home. As a result of my mom taking serious responsibility for the way we acted, we almost always behaved extremely well in public. I can remember many times when we were complimented by the people dining around us and the wait staff. Every time I see a kid up out of his/her seat doing laps around his/her parent's table, I think to myself, "If you're gonna have kids, for god's sake, RAISE them." In my family, we sat there quietly, ate our meal, and waited for everyone to finish and get up to leave. If I'd have pulled the kind of crap I see every day, my butt would have been tanned to seemingly no end.

It's not that I don't understand that parenting changes things.

I don't understand when becoming a parent DOESN'T change things.

 

[cheezydemon]

Well said shaffer. We don't spank, but we do recieve compliments when we are out at restaraunts. Going out to sit in the car is the understood consequence of bad behavior in public.

 

[Bobby_M]

I just want to clarify. I have two kids. I don't fool myself into thinking that I can retain the same friendships I had with single or childless friends. It just doesn't work. I think the best you can really hope for is aquaintence level friendships. That actually goes for friendships between married with children couples too. You have a little more in common but neither of you have the time.

 

[ScubaSteve]

We've got our first coming next month, and this thread is quite interesting. For us, we're in an isolated situation away from friends and family, so having kids isn't going to affect our social life much. Seems to me that having a BBQ at your own house may be a way to have fun with friends, and not have a sitter. As long as the theme of the party is more BBQ than beer, it seems you can still have a decent social life with kids...right? Or am I just kidding myself?

 

[Kevin K]

No, you've got it right.

 

[Bedlam]

Airplane, bus, church, grocery store, etc. are a different story for me than bar, restaurant, mall, party. Parents often are forced to take their kids to those places. I just remember times when I was young, that my mom packed us up and took us home if we were grumpy in a restaurant even if we hadn't eaten yet. That usually involved a hearty spanking to drive the point home. As a result of my mom taking serious responsibility for the way we acted, we almost always behaved extremely well in public. I can remember many times when we were complimented by the people dining around us and the wait staff. Every time I see a kid up out of his/her seat doing laps around his/her parent's table, I think to myself, "If you're gonna have kids, for god's sake, RAISE them." In my family, we sat there quietly, ate our meal, and waited for everyone to finish and get up to leave. If I'd have pulled the kind of crap I see every day, my butt would have been tanned to seemingly no end.

It's not that I don't understand that parenting changes things.

I don't understand when becoming a parent DOESN'T change things.

Hear, hear! I really feel for folks who have to travel with children, and I know it is a big deal and can be VERY hard to do. I cut them a lot of slack and I don't blame the kiddos for crying or being grumpy or gassy or whatnot.

What I DO mind is voluntary misbehavior that interferes with me and my own enjoyment of a chosen and paid-for activity. What I mind EVEN MORE is for a parent to ignore it or excuse it or think I'm an ass for not adoring their little darling's cute precociousness.

For instance, if there's an angry kid sitting behind me on an airplane kicking my seat, I fully expect the parent to take care of it. Unfortunately, as a frequent flyer, about every 3rd or 4th flight gives me exactly this problem. Only about 1/2 the time will a parent address it with the child to the extent that the behavior stops. The other 1/2...what do I do? Most of the time I will turn and give the PARENT the stink-eye, hopefully prodding them to do what needs doin'.

If a parent is really trying, but just the kid is over the edge with anxiety or exhaustion, then I just silently curse my bad luck and carry on. Sometimes things can't be helped. Except, pehaps, with some sugared rum and a dose of Benadryl...

 

[the_bird]

Scuba, you'll probably meet a lot more friends that you have a lot in common with. My wife took Cassie to a lot of playgroups when she was little, and she made some really good friendships with people who have kids who are Cassie's age. Works out great; not only are these people that we have a lot in common with, but when we go to their house, everything is babyproofed, they understand about having to inturrupt dinner for diapers, etc...

It's also a great resource for babysitters, we're MUCH more comfortable leaving Cassie with them for a little while than some high school girl. And, Cassie's got a couple of BFFs.

 

[WOP31]

We've got our first coming next month, and this thread is quite interesting. For us, we're in an isolated situation away from friends and family, so having kids isn't going to affect our social life much. Seems to me that having a BBQ at your own house may be a way to have fun with friends, and not have a sitter. As long as the theme of the party is more BBQ than beer, it seems you can still have a decent social life with kids...right? Or am I just kidding myself?

You can still have a good social life, but believe me it WILL impact the little social life that you do have now. I am in the same situation as you, both mine and my wifes parents (and all family) live out of state, which makes it even harder to find someone to watch your child. Like the theme of this thread is becoming, You will just start having more friends with kids then without. I have found that once you establish good friendships with other parents, and this is key, you see that your children get along and play well together, the swapping of nights out is priceless. I am not sure what we would do if we couldn't trade "nights off" with some of our other friends.

I am getting ready to be a single dad for a year or more, depending on the needs of the army, so I apologize if I take a little bit of this to heart and sound a little brash. But I make no exceptions when it comes to my family. I have every right to be out some where with my child as anyone with out children. I will take care of my son if he is acting up or being rude. So others don't have to "deal" with it.

Bobby, I didn't mean to come off like that, it was a knee jerk reaction to what i thought was a generalization of all parents, but knowing that it came from another parent puts it in diferent terms.

 

[blacklab]

We've got our first coming next month, and this thread is quite interesting. For us, we're in an isolated situation away from friends and family, so having kids isn't going to affect our social life much. Seems to me that having a BBQ at your own house may be a way to have fun with friends, and not have a sitter. As long as the theme of the party is more BBQ than beer, it seems you can still have a decent social life with kids...right? Or am I just kidding myself?

Agreed - you just have to find ways to have a fun social life and include the kids. Often this means hanging with other parents. We are a little turned off by people who always have their kids with sitters and are going out partying every Friday night.

And, it seems harsh, but you'll find out who your 'real' friends are. I've found that the ones that didn't understand the kid thing were just really self absorbed/selfish people anyway.

Also-congrats! Having my kids was the best thing that ever happened to me!

 

[WOP31]

Oh yeah one more thing Steve, any one of you or your wifes friends that say "I would love to watch *insert childs name here* for a night so you guys can have a night off" As long as you trust them, TAKE THEM UP ON IT. Then you will truely see who your friends are. If they stand by what they said then you know they are good people. And believe me right off the bat you are going to get a ton of people who tell you this.

 

[njnear76]

Priorities and perspectives change. I'm not a parent yet, but I can understand and respect the commitment to one's offspring.

As the other people here pointed out, your priorities at this stage of the game are different. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact I think that's a good thing.

The 20s in my opinion are a great time for having fun and establishing your career. Kids can wait until your 30s after you partied yourself out.

 

[shafferpilot]

I have on occasion helped out that poor parent who is trying to keep the kid in check but just can't get it done. Recently, at the grocery store the mom in front of me was trying to get checked out while her obnoxious kid was whining on and on about wanting a candy bar. It was late in the evening and she was still in her work uniform, her hair pointing in six different directions at once. She was digging the no-longer-paperclipped coupons out of her purse, trying to get the brat to shut up and apologizing to me all at the same time. The kid started up again, and in my best dad/teacher/cop voice I said, "Son, you knock that off and listen to your mother, RIGHT NOW!" And I gave mom a wink. It's amazing how effective a stranger's voice can be for a 5 year old. Of course, the parent in trouble needs to be VERY carefully evaluated first. Some parents would find a stranger's "help" to be an insult to them.

 

[Hopleaf]

So basically what you're saying is that your friend's need to take care of their child annoys you but your swmbo cries every time you put your dog in a kennel?

 

[Kevin Dean]

I don't have kids and don't want them. I'm blessed with a wife who also doesn't want kids. We choose to live a kid-free life which means we also live a parent free life.

It's not exactly fair to tell your friends to get a sitter because I'd resent someone telling me how to raise my kid. That said, if you KNOW they're bringing the kids, make it clear that it annoys you or makes you uncomfortable or whatever. Make it clear BEFORE you go out and if that means not doing whatever you're planning on doing. They'd probably be annoyed if you lugged your dogs around and they'll understand that.

Either you clear it out of the way now or you'll resent them and clear them out of the way later.

 

[Fish]

I think its pretty clear that once you have kids its not possible to hang out with people who don't have them, for exactly the reasons posted here.
For us a "night out" is about $100 and thats just dinner & a movie. But its not just dinner and a movie its dinner/movie for us, dinner/movie for the kids and the sitter and paying the sitter. And we never did a sitter until the second child came and she was about 2. Now we are fine with it but it takes a long time to get used to the idea of letting a teenage girl take care of your kids.

What we have done is to join a baby sitting co-op with friends with kids. There are 3 families and each Sat night one family takes all 6 kids. That gives us 2 free nights a month, one Sat night with the kids and one with 6 kids. It works great, its free and the kids have a great time.

 

[zoebisch01]

The way I see it is your friends need to realize the stage of life they are at. Your days with them are going to be this way, it's just part of their life now.

Kind of a funny story, I have 3 kids. All of our friends have kids pretty much. So I was on a business trip in Chicago and some coworkers and I went out. One of the guys wanted to see his friends so we decided to hook up at a restaurant. They brought their infant with them, no biggie to me...but an appetizer (house tidbit they gave out) came around some kind of spicy Tuna Carpaccio like thing...anyway, the guy was like "oh she loves spicy food" and proceeds to give her a taste. Well two seconds later the kid throws up all over the table. I felt bad for the parents...but when I thought about it later, my own choice (if I had been in their shoes when asked about going out) would probably have been to stay home with the kids and skip the night on the town, or to say "hey come over to our place"

 

[DeathBrewer]

People without kids do a lot of stupid things too.

i'll admit to that