Ugh friends w/kids (sorry long rant)

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Alamo_Beer

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I like kids, don't get me wrong. I've been an uncle since I was 8 or so and I love my niece and nephew.

Thing is, SWMBO and I are 21. We don't have kids, we've got 3 dogs that we treat like kids...but no real kids.

We're friends with a couple that have 2 little girls (like infant and 2 yrs old). They're nice folks and I like hanging out with them. But please, LEAVE YOUR KIDS W/A BABY SITTER! and don't complain to me that you might not be able to afford the $30 for a sitter!

We've been to dinner with them twice, both times were nice and we had a good time. But it's a little annoying when all of a sudden you have to rush to the bathroom to change your kids diaper...

What I'm really pissed about is we went to dinner with them last weekend for his birthday. Afterwards we went to their house and we hung out for a bit. We started talking and decided to have a Greek party sometime...make some Gyros drink some wine...just have a good time. They were all about it and even said "hey if you do that we'll get a sitter and even pick up the wine or something". So I said lets do it this weekend, it's a long weekend and the beginning of the semester it'll be fun.

Now they want to bring thier kids and they're griping about how they've found a sitter but it's going to cost $30 and why can't we just lock up our dogs and all this crap...Sorry but I'm not going to bend about your choice to have kids at a young age.

Am I a dick?? I'm just this guy right now -->:mad: and I'll be this guy later ---->:drunk:
 

TxBrew

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Some parents especially young parents might not feel real comfromtable leaving their children with a babysitter when they are that young. Might make excuses about money to avoid telling you it's really because they don't want to in general.
 
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Alamo_Beer

Alamo_Beer

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I understand that, that makes perfect since. SWMBO crys everytime we have to leave our dogs at the kennel. But they said they'd do it....
 

the_bird

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It's not easy to find a sitter that you're comfortable leaving your children with, especially before they're too old to tell you anything. That's just how it is. Having kids completely changes what's important to you, VERY MUCH for the better (IMO). It's not something you can really understand until you've had your own child; it's cliche, but there's nothing more humbling in the world that being wholly responsible for someone who is completely helpless. If we can't make every adult party because of her, so be it.
 

Bedlam

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No, I agree entirely. There are some parents who somehow get the notion that everyone enjoys their li'l angels as much as they do. I have lived through this with one particular friend who, swear to God I thought she had joined some kind of cult or something. I mean, it was all about the kids. The most extreme example was when I was telling her about my fears of moving in with the man I love and new job and whatnot, then she interrupted me in a real distracted way to tell me about her youngest blowing a snot bubble, laughing and doing it again and again. She thought it was the cutest thing.

Yeah, okay, it probably is pretty darn cute, but weren't you LISTENING???

Now that they're getting older, she's kind of snapping out of it.

Still, it can get kind of dicey, as you easily sound like the bad guy. But it isn't like you're clubbing a baby seal or anything. It is your party and your choice. Would you take your three dogs to their place for a soiree and expect them to lock up the kids? No way.

You can be tactful and say...."welllllll, we were hoping to make it a more adult kind of night," or, "the dogs don't do so well locked up and we don't think it's fair to them"....or a surprised "oh! well, we were under the impression that you guys were looking for some kid-free social time. How 'bout we make this one adult-only and you guys host the next get-together?"

So. Long answer just to say that no, you aren't a dick. Parents who drink the "God, everyone should bask in the glory of my children" Kool-Aid need a reality check. They are kids. Kids are great. They just aren't great everywhere.
 

Melana

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I can understand both sides of the issue and it's not easy either way. Maybe the best solution is to find different friends that have the same interests and tastes, without the children.
 

skinfiddler

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Tell your friends with kids what you have written here- maybe they'll quit hanging with you.
 

SuperiorBrew

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If you dont make it clear it will just be harder the next time it comes up, and it will probably come up more often if you dont get the point across.
 

WOP31

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Alamo_Beer said:
I like kids, don't get me wrong. I've been an uncle since I was 8 or so and I love my niece and nephew.

Thing is, SWMBO and I are 21. We don't have kids, we've got 3 dogs that we treat like kids...but no real kids.

We're friends with a couple that have 2 little girls (like infant and 2 yrs old). They're nice folks and I like hanging out with them. But please, LEAVE YOUR KIDS W/A BABY SITTER! and don't complain to me that you might not be able to afford the $30 for a sitter!

We've been to dinner with them twice, both times were nice and we had a good time. But it's a little annoying when all of a sudden you have to rush to the bathroom to change your kids diaper...

What I'm really pissed about is we went to dinner with them last weekend for his birthday. Afterwards we went to their house and we hung out for a bit. We started talking and decided to have a Greek party sometime...make some Gyros drink some wine...just have a good time. They were all about it and even said "hey if you do that we'll get a sitter and even pick up the wine or something". So I said lets do it this weekend, it's a long weekend and the beginning of the semester it'll be fun.

Now they want to bring thier kids and they're griping about how they've found a sitter but it's going to cost $30 and why can't we just lock up our dogs and all this crap...Sorry but I'm not going to bend about your choice to have kids at a young age.

Am I a dick?? I'm just this guy right now -->:mad: and I'll be this guy later ---->:drunk:

Couple of things here, if you don't like going out to dinner with your friends, who have kids, either get over it or don't go out with them. Not like you are the one having to control the kids or get up in the middle of dinner to change a Sh!t filled diaper. Think about how they feel, you think that any father enjoys having to go into the mens room and use that stupid little changing table. Then come back to dinner after seeing what comes out of an infants a$$.

On another note Wait until you have kids and see how you feel about leaving them with a baby sitter. and see how you budget changes after you have kids, that $30 may not be much to you right now but when you have 2 other mouths to feed, diapers, formula, doctor bills, child care (most likely) to pay for it may be a bit more of a big deal.

I do agree with you on the fact that when they come over to your house they need to put up or shut up. You shouldn't have to lock up you kids when they come over.

Oh yeah, My disclaimer, I like inconsiderate people, don't get me wrong, I have been dealing with them my whole life.
 

DeathBrewer

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it is tough for parents to find a sitter, especially those that like to spend time with their kids and like to have a large influence on their kids. i brew with a friend and it's always when he has to stay home because his girl is working.

he has to tend to the kid during his brew session and it means we don't hang out the whole time and of course he can't get drunk until the kids in bed and his girl is home. on the other hand, if i didn't start hanging out with him like this, i would hardly see him at all.

having a kid is a full time job. your friends care about their kid more than the care about you, and i agree that they should. i don't think you should complain if you go over to their house or they come out to dinner and have to tend to their child.

now, as for coming over to your house...they need to get a sitter or not come over. no reason you should have to lock your dogs up in your own house. and if they're whining about $30, then they should just not have a life. having a kid is expensive, but you need some time on your own too, with friends...and IMO that would be $30 well spent.
 

talleymonster

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TxBrew said:
Some parents especially young parents might not feel real comfromtable leaving their children with a babysitter when they are that young. Might make excuses about money to avoid telling you it's really because they don't want to in general.
Screw babysitters. The only people that watch my daughter are close trustworthy family, and one other couple we know that also has a young child. I don't trust anybody with my child. Who knows if they're a child molester, or if they're gonna do drugs, or yell at my kid, or shake my baby, or even worse. Daycares are even worse. Our friend used to work in a daycare. She was stoned 24/7. She knew nothing about children. She didn't have to have any certifications whatsoever. It was a state funded daycare, and she didn't even know CPR.

F*CK that.
 

rdwj

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When you are friends with people that have kids, the kids come with the parents most of the time - that's just what life is for them. Honestly, I can't stand people that are always dumping their kids on other people.
 

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It's tough, that's for sure. I think that's one reason some friendships fade over the years- once a couple has kids, their priorities change and they think that the sun rises and sets on Jr. And of course, to them it does. I have really enjoyed some people who we never really socialized with as much as I wanted because we were at different places in our lives. And now that my kids are nearly grown, I really don't want to go out to dinner with another couple and their toddlers. (We have friends our age who are grandparents, and friends around our age who are first time parents!)
I guess you have to decide if their friendship means compromise on your part. If not, that's ok, you don't have to. But you may lose their friendship. Or, you can do your best to do one "kid free" outing for each "with kids" thing you do. At least they've given you a warning- I've had people show up for an evening and just bring their kids because they didn't have a sitter. They didn't call or anything- just showed up with toddlers in tow, and my house is certainly not child proof!

It's irritating to people who don't have kids, but that's usually the way it is for new parents. And then when you do get together with them, they talk about their kids 90% of the time anyway!
 

rabidgerbil

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This may sound like harsh advice, but go find a new friend to hang out with.

I have seen this so many times over the years, and the simple fact is, they can not, and will not, change how they feel about their children. Judging by the fact that you are posting this on here, I would have to say that you are not going to change your mind about how you feel either. That being said, the two don't work together.

They are parents now... plain and simple. It is not like is used to be. Hey maybe be your best friend from highschool, he maybe be your old drinking buddy, what ever... but he is a father now. The single most important job in the world. Don't ask him to make a choice, because YOU WILL LOSE.

You either have to accept the fact that life changes, and deal with it, or you need to move on.
 

BrewFrick

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The issue basically comes down to communication. Let them know that it's an adults only party situation. We have holiday dinner parties at work like that all the time. One time a co-worker showed up with their 4 kids and the supervisor told them to leave and stay home with their kids as it was not going to be fair to the other people there that one person was allowed to bring kids and all the others who had already made arrangements got the shaft on the deal. Communicate with them and don't buy the $30 cop-out, they just don't want to leave the kids and that is that.

On another note:
DOGS ARE NOT KIDS, they are animals, I repeat animals. I understand a certain amount of connection with them, I have always had a family dog that we consider part of the family. But I cannot and will not ever be able to understand how people treat dogs in America like children and spoil them like children. There are children in other countries that would love to come to America and live a middle class family dog life, going outside to go to the bathroom, dogfood, and all. They are not your "babies", not your "kids", not your "lives", they are animals. What do you think your girl is gonna do when she has to leave her real kids somewhere if she CRIES when you leave the DOGS somewhere, severe mental breakdown anyone?
 

5 Is Not Enough

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Would these people be inconsiderate and BS you around regardless of the kids?
I have friends w/ and w/out kids. I tend to hang around friends w/ because they have a better understanding of "nope, cant make it, aint gotta babysitter" or 'cause it's just easier to get the kids together.
One thing I dont do is bullsh1t my friends around about why I cant hang out with them. I especially dont bitch when I gotta pay to play. I think that is more of an issue.
There are plenty of friends with kids that dont have these problems... Rant on:rockin:
 

LostDakota

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I just thought I'd chime in with my opinion.
I am the guy with kid. I have an 8 month old. She is VERY TIME and ENERGY consuming.

Before I begin, I am not taking "their" side.

My best friand is my age, is married and has no kids. We have been friend since I was 11. When ever we make plans, I make it a point to KNOW that my daughter will be with family. I am fortunate enought to have a mother who wants to be an integral part of her life and who happens to live minutes away. This being said, the baby spends 75% of the weekends wth her grandma. My buddy knows that I am a good father and doesn't ask me to "ditch" the baby just so we can get sloshed and play Rock Band. My point is my friend is quite understanding.

I guess that my only suggestion to you is that if these truly are your friends, you need to ask yourself one question: What would I do in their situation?

I DO think that they are going about things the wrong way. If I were you, I would figure out a way to state that you you were making plans with just them, not them +2. Tell them politely that this event might just need to be repeated at another time sans bambinos.

In their defense, I think that they might be worried about losing you as a friend. Lord knows, that if I lost my buddy, I would be entering a world of pain. (to quote the great Walter Sobechek.)

+1 Talleymonster F*ck babysitters. DTA, M*therF*cker!
 

brauhaus

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talleymonster said:
Screw babysitters. The only people that watch my daughter are close trustworthy family, and one other couple we know that also has a young child. I don't trust anybody with my child. Who knows if they're a child molester, or if they're gonna do drugs, or yell at my kid, or shake my baby, or even worse. Daycares are even worse. Our friend used to work in a daycare. She was stoned 24/7. She knew nothing about children. She didn't have to have any certifications whatsoever. It was a state funded daycare, and she didn't even know CPR.

F*CK that.
I refuse to let anyone watch our daughter until she can talk and even then I really don't like "strangers" watching her... yeah our neighbors are nice, but honestly we don't really know them.

i think if their kids really bother you, then i'd just stop hanging out with them or learn to deal with the little ones.... their kids are their kids, they aren't like a pet that they can board up when people come around, they will always be there and they are going to be a large part of their lives...

I'm not trying to be rude but i guess your perspective changes when you have children.

Having a 1 yo and one on the way, in another year we will be that couple with a 2yo and an infant... kids are kids.

We've always had a family dog as well, but we all know dogs don't live forever and like someone else mentioned, dogs are animals... don't get me wrong, we always treated our animals very well, but you can lock a dog up during most situations.

and with a dog, you can leave the house for dinner and have a decent night without worrying about it, you can go to the movies and enjoy a night out, granted you can't leave the dog locked up for hours on end, but you have 100% more freedoms with a dog... you can't lock up your kids and the go out... kids require 1,000 times more involvement and require so much more attention, you have to pack a diaper bag, all the necessary crap to entertain them, bottles, food...

anyway if these kids are bothering you now, it's only going to get worse.
 

DeathBrewer

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5 Is Not Enough said:
Would these people be inconsiderate and BS you around regardless of the kids?
I have friends w/ and w/out kids. I tend to hang around friends w/ because they have a better understanding of "nope, cant make it, aint gotta babysitter" or 'cause it's just easier to get the kids together.
One thing I dont do is bullsh1t my friends around about why I cant hang out with them. I especially dont bitch when I gotta pay to play. I think that is more of an issue.
There are plenty of friends with kids that dont have these problems... Rant on:rockin:
seriously...i hate people that say "maybe i'll be there" or "we'll see what happens". i know that those people will always flake and i can't stand flakes.

i'd much prefer they tell me they're not coming, then surprise me when they do. why do people have such trouble just saying no??
 

Beerthoven

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Having children is a good way of figuring out who your real friends are. Real friends will cut you some slack without complaining too much. The people who aren't real good friends will stop coming around eventually.

I don't talk about my kids with my friends who don't have kids because I know they are not interested. I also don't bring my kids to any get together without making sure its ok first.

I definately prefer hanging out with other people who have kids because the kids can play together and self-entertain, which makes it easier for the grownups to relax. Getting a baby sitter 4 or 5 times a month is just too expensive.

That said, I do make an effort to have quality time with my friends without bringing my kids along. Its good for me and good for my friendships.
 

kornkob

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A person that wants you to change your house in ways you don't like to accomodate their needs should be told politely that they need to work with what you're offering or move on.

Alergic? Got Kids? Don't like the fact that I keep booze in the house? Have religous problems with pork? Don't like my art? Hate cats? Afraid of dogs?

Sorry-- I live here. My pets live here. This is how I live.

I don't expect people to hide the kids toys or make sure that every possible baby leak in the house has been sanitized at their house (and if you think there isn't poo in your house and you have a baby you are lying to yourself). Why? Cuz it is their house and that's how THEY live.



Now on the other hand, parents who take their kids to resturants and the like and let them cry or be disruptive are selfish boors.
 

david_42

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I was about 8 years old when I decided to not have children. None of the women I've dated have had children at home and none of my close friends have children. I've TRIED dating women with children, it just does not work. On a scale of priorities, 1-10, the kids are 12 and our date is -50. If this was any different, the human race would have died out long ago. But, I'm part of the 10% that finds children repellent and I go out of my way to avoid them.

Just accept the fact, that until you have kids of your own, or your friend's kids go off to college, that you are walking non-intersecting paths.

Pets as kids: these people are crazy. My pets are very important to me, but any time someone calls them my kids, I tell them: "No, they are pets."
 

DUCCCC

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Other than to say amen to Talleymonster's post I also have to say that since I've had kids, a 3 year old and a 1.5 yr old, I don't have a social life anymore. It's all I can do to get a night out alone with my wife. I'm really fortunate to have my in-laws just a few minutes away, but I don't like to impose too often or I fear I'll burn that bridge. Getting away from the house once or twice a month on my motorcycle for an hour or two is like a vacation.

$30 is pretty big cash once you're no longer DINKS (Double Income, No KidS), and you have to pay $500 a month for a family health plan, plus deductables. Life insurance is now no longer just an option. Keeping the bills all paid and feeding your family properly rate a little higher than recreation.

I'm just sayin',
Matt
 
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Alamo_Beer

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Well, everythings worked out. He called me and said he'd just had a bad day and just took part of it out on me...I'm cool with that.

Thing is, I just met this guy last semester! We've only hungout twice and both times were bc they invited us. For awhile they were calling us every weekend to try and hangout....

I'm cool with anyone's kids if we're at their house or every other time going to dinner or whatever. It's just, they said they'd get a sitter and then they freaked.

I probubly shouldn't have even posted this but thanks for all of the advice, always aprechiated
 

srm775

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DeathBrewer said:
DINKS, eh? i've been sterotyped!!! i think i'm offended!

:p
Where it with as a badge of honor, for now.
 

ohiobrewtus

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I can see your point, Alamo. I understand that your dogs are like kids to you - I used to be in the same situation years ago. People would start talking about their kids and I bring up stores about my dogs.

There are just some aspects of parenting that you will not be able to understand until you have kids. Leaving your kids with someone who isn't a family member isn't an easy thing to do. You can put a dog in a cage and give it some food and water and it will be fine. You can't exactly do that with a child :D

My wife and I go out maybe 2 or 3 times a year without the kids, tops. They're the most important things in our lives and our friends and family know this. Fortunately most of my friends also have kids so when we get together there's like 12 freaking kids all running around destroying things. :rockin:

I'd have to agree with david_42 on this one. Rather than get pissed off at your buddy because he can't spend as much time with you - thus resenting his kids - you just need to either accept that if you do things with them they are probably going to have their kids, or you go your own ways.

It's unfortunate, but it's part of life.
 

brauhaus

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ohiobrewtus said:
My wife and I go out maybe 2 or 3 times a year without the kids, tops. They're the most important things in our lives and our friends and family know this. Fortunately most of my friends also have kids so when we get together there's like 12 freaking kids all running around destroying things. :rockin:
And what sucks about that is, i'm usually following my daughter around b/c she is the smallest one in the group and she gets pushed around and hurt... so i'm that dad chasing the 1yo around making sure her noggin doesn't bounce off anything ;)
 

ohiobrewtus

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BraeHaus said:
And what sucks about that is, i'm usually following my daughter around b/c she is the smallest one in the group and she gets pushed around and hurt... so i'm that dad chasing the 1yo around making sure her noggin doesn't bounce off anything ;)
At 1yo I can see that. Once they hit 2, they're on their own, though! :p

Fortunatley, my girls are all giants like me. My 8 year old is 4' 10" already.
 

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I love hanging out with our friends that have kids, because I like the kids more than the friends. LOL. BUT it's rediculous to expect to bring those kids to a party at my house that involves drinking. It's like these jack-asses that take their kids to the bar on football days. Then they ignore the kid and drink all day. The parents are the ones that need to make sacrifices, NOT ME. If I want to say, "That Ref is F-ing blind!" in a bar, I don't need some idiot mom giving me the eye. IT'S A BAR, GET THAT DAMN KID OUT OF HERE!! This goes triple for the idiots that let their kid SIT at the bar. This happens every damn week, and I'm sick of it. Next time it happens I'm telling the bartender to kick them out, or I'm calling the cops. It's fine that life changes when you have kids..... So change YOUR life! It's your decision to have kids, not mine. So you can't go hang out with me anymore? fine. My sister had a baby a few months ago, and she's a screaming crying brat 97% of the time. That kid disrupts everything. I love her because she's my niece, but my sister is coddling her non-stop and that's only enhancing the problem. At my mom's house, no complaints. It's family, and my sister needs a chance to hand the little one off and try to relax. When my sister wants to go to dinner with my group of friends and bring the baby, I just want to stay home. It's BS. That baby has NO business in any public place. Sorry sis, but if this means your social life is over, I don't feel one bit sorry for you. It was YOUR choice.
 

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We're both 30 and not only have no kids, but have no plans to have kids. I am right with you on this issue and it's getting worse for us all the time as more and more of our friends have kids.

I try to make do as best I can, only time it's a huge problem is when I forget not to swear in front of the little ones (at least our friends are all understanding about that).
 

cheezydemon

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Wow this thread is long!

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who have kids, and those who don't understand.

People with kids weren't born that way.

I used to get annoyed by crying babies on airplanes. I thought I understood.
Now that I do have kids. I see that mom with the crying baby and I think "Man I know how hard that can be! People should respect those of us who are taking on the challenge of raising the next generation!"

And then I look around daring anyone to complain about the crying kid on the plane.
 

Dude

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YooperBrew said:
It's tough, that's for sure. I think that's one reason some friendships fade over the years- once a couple has kids, their priorities change and they think that the sun rises and sets on Jr. And of course, to them it does. I have really enjoyed some people who we never really socialized with as much as I wanted because we were at different places in our lives. And now that my kids are nearly grown, I really don't want to go out to dinner with another couple and their toddlers. (We have friends our age who are grandparents, and friends around our age who are first time parents!)
I guess you have to decide if their friendship means compromise on your part. If not, that's ok, you don't have to. But you may lose their friendship. Or, you can do your best to do one "kid free" outing for each "with kids" thing you do. At least they've given you a warning- I've had people show up for an evening and just bring their kids because they didn't have a sitter. They didn't call or anything- just showed up with toddlers in tow, and my house is certainly not child proof!

It's irritating to people who don't have kids, but that's usually the way it is for new parents. And then when you do get together with them, they talk about their kids 90% of the time anyway!
This is pretty much spot on.

SWMBO and I are kind of in a weird stage with our friends because our kids don't live with us, so we totally know about how having kids makes going out difficult. So we usually don't mind having our friend's kids over too. It is when the kids don't listen and are playing and making noise when the adults are trying to do something, that gets me worked up.

It is a 2 way street. Kids change things. I suggest (and agree with many of the others) it is time to get new friends if things aren't working out both ways.
 

Reverend JC

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I have some friends that are the "why dont they just get a sitter" kind of people. They just dont get why we would ever throw a party and have our daughter milling about the house. There is drinking and talking and munching and what not. Our daughter just goes round chatting with people (she is 5 so usually about hanna montana) and having a great time. If they dont like it they know where the door is. I do disagree that they asked you to put your dogs away as it is your house.

We have other friends that had a wedding and did not allow kids under the age or 16. I do not understand that. Weddings are about family and friends not family that is old enough and friends who dont bring their kids. That was their choice though. My choice was not to go to their wedding. I felt offended.

And pets as children. This is a hard line that i will take, but do not disrespect my child by saying that one's drooling, cat turd eating, ass licking dog is a child. It is not. It may be the best companion one has ever known, but not a child.
 

Kevin K

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Simply put, people without kids do not understand how having kids will change you and your priorities.

I'd drop any long term friendship in a second if my friend gave me any indication that he felt that way about my kids.

If someone going to the bathroom to change their kids' diaper annoys you, find different friends man.

You'll understand someday.
 

Rhoobarb

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shafferpilot said:
... It's like these jack-asses that take their kids to the bar on football days. Then they ignore the kid and drink all day. ... This goes triple for the idiots that let their kid SIT at the bar. ...quote]

Amen to that!

The Buffalo Wild Wings near me is the worst for that. Where I live, a kid can be in a bar, but it's illigal for them to sit at the bar. Still, I see it done and I've only witnessed a handful of times where the bartender told them the anklebiter would need to sit elsewhere.

It just shows no class and no consideration for the kid. Reminds me of the scene at the 1:47 min. mark of
.
 
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Bobby_M

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People with kids do a lot of stupid things, especially when they weren't mentally prepared to deal with the added responsibility. Of course, people without kids do stupid things too but that isn't the issue. The cool thing about friend relationships is that you're not required to keep them. If they are a pain in the ass, walk away.
 

WOP31

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Bobby_M said:
People with kids do a lot of stupid things, especially when they weren't mentally prepared to deal with the added responsibility. Of course, people without kids do stupid things too but that isn't the issue. The cool thing about friend relationships is that you're not required to keep them. If they are a pain in the ass, walk away.

People without kids do a lot of stupid things too.
 

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