The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[Broken Crow]

Dear Big Fan,
While I have no hangups about bodily functions myself, when others, especially family have pushed my comfort levels, I pay it back in kind...but I put a 'nice' spin on it to 'share' the awkwardness.
Here's some sites to tell you what to do with the feces: https://duckduckgo.com/?q=how+to+make+bricks+with+straw+and+****&t=ffab&ia=web
Tell your family that you'd like to commemorate every such 'togetherness' event with bricks to be used in the constuction of a "Family Monument" in your fathers yard.... perhaps a brick BBQ or pizza-oven?
Sincerely,
Brick-Sh***er

 

[mac_1103]

Dear indoor plumbing fan,

"how do I wash up"

Ever heard of hand sanitizer?

"what do we do with the soiled shame bucket and it's contents"

These. You'll need a shovel to bury them.

Sincerely,
Amateur marriage counselor

 

[balrog]

Dear indoor plumbing fan,
O
M
G
Plus infinity yes
Sincerely
My spleen just twitched at the thought

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Fate,

Thank you for placing our absolutely incredible neighbors across the street from us. They are friends we'll have for life, we've gotten to watch their handsome son grow up from a toddler in diapers yelling HI NEIGHBOR across the street to me to an amazingly wonderful high school graduate, and the dad is just about the best handyman that ever lived. Had to replace the condensate pump for our HVAC system which was hardwired into the furnace; I got the pump installed but electricity scares the living poop out of me. Our neighbor Chris came over and had it hardwired (and working) in about 15 minutes. We would have been out a lot of $$ if we'd called someone in. I am beyond grateful this morning, and also supremely happy that there is no longer a weepy leak from the old pump.

Sincerely,

We've got it a lot better than we think we do sometimes.

 

[Agent]

Dear Gravity -

I was saving that lovely Hazy so that kegging it would be my reward for finishing the toilet repair job I half-arsed 10 years ago.

You demotivating dick.

Sincerely -
At Least It Smelled Awesome

 

[Kent88]

Are you ok?

I love glass carboys, but here's another reminder that they're not perfect.

I hope you got out of that without bleeding.

 

[Snuffy]

Dear Gravity -

I was saving that lovely Hazy so that kegging it would be my reward for finishing the toilet repair job I half-arsed 10 years ago.

You demotivating dick.

View attachment 878871

Sincerely -
At Least It Smelled Awesome

Dear At least,

So... you were balancing the barrel on that homemade skateboard thing and it fell off and struck the carboy?
also... interesting that the hazy reminded you of toilet repair.

Sincerely,

I will never un-see that.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Dear Smelled Awesome,

I'm sorry for your loss. Long ago, I made the change to fermenting in a Sanke keg with this kit, and it was a game changer. It coincided with going to 10 gallon batches as well, which is more beer for roughly the same volume of work. And it made it easy to temp-control my fermentation, which is a game-changer and allowed for brewing of lagers.

Worth looking into.

Sincerely,
Steel > Glass

 

[Agent]

Dear Never Un-see,

The Skateboard thing was the toilet sub-floor I was fixing, as well as the carboy killer. Though your creativity is surprisingly close to what I have to do for a sample of what's in the barrels.

Dear @Kent88

The only harm is that I let out one short sentence for which my son identified $1.25 worth of naughty words for the swear jar. If not for the carboy, that basement is still full of nearly a thousand bottles and canning jars.

And Dear Steel,

Why must you tempt me with sound logic?

Sincerely,
Now I Really Gotta Brew More

 

[Broken Crow]

interesting that the hazy reminded you of toilet repair

Dear Never un-see,
If you haven't read this before, here's an alternate amusing narrative to go with that image stuck in your head:
https://www.homebrewtalk.com/threads/sewage-in-kettle.638122/

Sincerely,
Loves this site as much for entertainment as education.

 

[Rish]

Strain what's left through cheesecloth and keg it! (I'm a cheapskate!)

 

[AzOr]

Dear Gravity -

I was saving that lovely Hazy so that kegging it would be my reward for finishing the toilet repair job I half-arsed 10 years ago.

You demotivating dick.

View attachment 878871

Sincerely -
At Least It Smelled Awesome

 

[Kee]

Dear Wimbledon, ESPN and others who post tennis match highlights on Youtube,

Why do you have to tell me who won in the title of the video. Has it never occurred to you that watching without knowing who won would be more entertaining?
BTW, I would allow one exception. Please let me know if Djokovic is on the losing end of a match. I'm more likely to watch if I know he loses. I can't stand the guy.

 

[day_trippr]

I used to love tennis, was actually a ranked amateur in my HS years, but that was long before grunting and screaming became part of the game. Pro matches are basically unwatchable now if the sound is audible, but watching tennis in silence ain't no joy, either...

 

[Kee]

I root against the grunters/screamers, like world #1 Sabalenka.

 

[Kent88]

I used to love tennis, was actually a ranked amateur in my HS years, but that was long before grunting and screaming became part of the game. Pro matches are basically unwatchable now if the sound is audible, but watching tennis in silence ain't no joy, either...

Dear day_trippr,

Hey, how's it going!

Sincerely,
Your Mute button on your remote

 

[day_trippr]

"watching tennis in silence ain't no joy, either..."

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

Dear grunting like Neanderthal tennis athletes,
I don’t know what performance advantage there is to all the grunts and audibly loud exhales, the trainers that have encouraged this should be punished, by quiet Ninjas. I’m glad boxers don’t do that.
Sincerely,
Person in favor of reducing noise pollution

 

[bruce_the_loon]

Dear Noise Pollution Reduction Fans

If the Australian research is to be believed, there is a 4.9% velocity boost on a serve and 3.8% on return hits if a player grunts versus the same player not grunting. No conclusion was drawn about whether it could be trained back out of them again. Players say it help maintain the regular breathing regime and not holding their breath during a serve affected performance. There might also be an element of the torso being able to compress more and allow a smoother stroke.

Also there is a noise-masking element where the opposing player can't pick up the sound of the ball hitting the racquet as easily.

And lastly, there is a tight correlation between the pitch of the grunt and the power increase with lower pitched grunters more likely to win a match.

Whilst all of that may be true, and banning grunting for the sake of noise level might be like telling F1 cars to rev lower because they are too noisy, it has turned the gentle game of tennis into a obscenely loud and annoying power sport.

Sincerely,
Quiet please!

 

[Kent88]

Dear Tennis Fans who hate grunting,

Have you considered golf? It's much quieter while being only slightly more boring.

Sincerely,
[Runs away before the mob forms]

 

[balrog]

Dear Golf Watching Lovers,
Just, no.
Like, ditto for bowling watching.
Sincerely,
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[Agent]

Dear Golf Watching Lovers,
Just, no.
Like, ditto for bowling watching.
Sincerely,
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[Kee]

Dear Tennis Fans who hate grunting,

Have you considered golf? It's much quieter while being only slightly more boring.

Sincerely,
[Runs away before the mob forms]

It's getting out of hand in golf also, at least with the fans.

 

[day_trippr]

In TV golf's case, all that noise can only make it more watchable...

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Dear golf haters,

At least it's not baseball.

Sincerely,
They actually hit the ball every time.

 

[bruce_the_loon]

Dear They actually hit the ball every time.

You haven't met Jacob the Whiffler at our local driving range.

Sincerely,
"The last time I hit two balls together was when I trod on the garden rake." Jasper Carrott

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Golf & Bowling on TV haters,

Being the wife of someone who watches both religiously (also track & field events, almost as boring), this is why I watch tv in the garage/brewery. And I was a bowler myself for many years until pandemic hit, and I had a valid reason to quit.

Sincerely,

Also "pro" wrestling.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Dear Jasper,

Jacob doesn't show up on PGA Tour broadcasts.

Sincerely,
Neither do I

 

[mac_1103]

Dear Everybody,

Watch what you like. Don't watch what you don't like.

Sincerely,
Was that really so hard?

 

[balrog]

Dear Mr Obvious,
Then what would we have to whine about?
Sincerely
Did I Just Forget My Bittering Hops

 

[mac_1103]

Dear Did I Forget,

Add them again. What could possibly go wrong?

Sincerely,
That's Captain Obvious to you

 

[seatazzz]

Dear O Captain my Captain,

The Rain in Spain stays Mainly on the Plain.

Sincerely, Corporal Oblivious

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Dear "Captain" Obvious,

Thank you for your service.

Sincerely,
In what, I have no idea

 

[Kee]

Dear fellow players at the local golf course,

A shout out to those who do not waste much time looking for wayward hit balls. I save a lot of money hitting found balls. But for those of you using low quality balls, may I suggest upgrading? My stinginess has its limits. They don't have to be ProV1s. Most mid-priced balls will do well.

Sincerely,
Still Don't Hit Top Flites or Noodles

 

[Snuffy]

Dear fellow players at the local golf course,

A shout out to those who do not waste much time looking for wayward hit balls. I save a lot of money hitting found balls. But for those of you using low quality balls, may I suggest upgrading? My stinginess has its limits. They don't have to be ProV1s. Most mid-priced balls will do well.

Sincerely,
Still Don't Hit Top Flites or Noodles

Dear Still Don't,

I heard a golf joke about that one time. Seems a guy was going golfing with his buddy and when they were about to tee off, he says, "Oh, wait - I need to find my lucky ball" and he dug around in his pack until he produced a rather normal looking scuffed up ball. His buddy says, "What the heck is so lucky about that ball?" and the guy says, "If you hit this ball in the weeds, it buzzes. At night it glows, and if you hit it in the water it floats!" His friend is duly impressed and asks, "Where did you get it?". Guy says, "I found it".

Sincerely,

My only interest in golf is the jokes.

 

[balrog]

Dear Ball Snob,
Perception can be deceiving.
Sincerely,
Worked as physicist at Spalding for 10 years developing dimple patterns among other weird things

 

[Kee]

Dear Ball Snob,
Perception can be deceiving.
Sincerely,
Worked as physicist at Spalding for 10 years developing dimple patterns among other weird things

Dear physicist,
Cool! Perceptions can indeed be deceiving. That's why I prefer to base my opinion of golf balls on independent testing.

Sincerely,

Still Ain't Hitting Top Flites (Unless provided convincing evidence that they are manufactured with adequate quality control, have the proper spin rate and are cheaper than what I use now).

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Golf Nerds,

The only redeeming thing I see in golf is that they let you bring beer.

Sincerely, tried golf a few times and it's not my thing. Hit the ball, chase the ball. I have a dog for that.

 

[Kee]

Dear Golf Nerds,

The only redeeming thing I see in golf is that they let you bring beer.

Sincerely, tried golf a few times and it's not my thing. Hit the ball, chase the ball. I have a dog for that.

Maybe the remark is not original, but a Cajun I worked with (who didn't learn English until he started to school, so imagine that accent) put it this way:

"Oh no, that golf, that's not a game for me. You got to try and hit the ball a long ways, then you got to go and try to find the ball. Then go got to try and hit the ball a long way again! Oh no."

 

[Kent88]

Dear good doggos over golf,

I have heard that there's an argument to be made that golf courses provide some good because it provides green space in urban areas.

I have my doubts that the perfectly manicured green space overcomes all the resources that we put into keeping it perfectly manicured, but 1) this isn't Debate so I probably shouldn't get into any more detail, and 2) I don't like golf, so I'd rather see those areas become proper parks with trees, wildflowers, and with publicly accessible kayak/canoe launches on the water hazards, and biking/hiking paths around the perimeter.

Sincerely,
Wannabe Outdoorsman