The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[Newsman]

Dear drivers in the left lane,
If you aren't going to keep up with traffic, GTFO the left lane!
Sincerely,
Every other driver you pi$$ed off by your driving

 

[Kent88]

Dear drivers in the left lane,
If you aren't going to keep up with traffic, GTFO the left lane!
Sincerely,
Every other driver you pi$$ed off by your driving

Dear Mr road rage / no more fun of any kind,

I'll drive in any lane that isn't specifically for a certain turn/direction only that I want. My taxes pay for both lanes, and I'll use whichever I want to as I see fit.



Sincerely,

 

[mac_1103]

Dear didn't bother to come up with a clever signature,

Did you not see the sign that says "Keep right except to pass"?

Sincerely,
A fellow taxpayer

 

[Kent88]

Dear Fellow Taxpayer,

I do occasionally see that sign, and when I do I usually try to respect it.

They aren't very common around where I am. Maybe they're more common where you are? Not on the major 4-lane state or US highways I travel. That's more for the usually two-lane roads that occasionally add a brief passing lane.

Sincerely,

 

[bailey mountain brewer]

Dear ppl in other states, I assume PA is not the only place this exists and it's for good reason.

Sincerely
Law abiding citizen

Ps I love that it uses "overtaking" .. very Jeremy clarkson.

 

[day_trippr]

I thought the far left lanes were for cell phone texting and watching videos?

 

[mac_1103]

I thought the far left lanes were for cell phone texting and watching videos?

You're thinking of the HOV lanes.

 

[Kent88]

Dear law abiding citizen,

That law is absurd. The right lane would become an unpenetratable wall of vehicles and you'd almost never be able to merge into.

Sincerely,
Driver that's usually somewhere between 2mph under the speed limit to 4mph over the speed limit

 

[day_trippr]

I wager quite a few undisciplined folks here would be unalived driving on German highways

 

[Newsman]

Dear law abiding citizen,

That law is absurd. The right lane would become an unpenetratable wall of vehicles and you'd almost never be able to merge into.

Sincerely,
Driver that's usually somewhere between 2mph under the speed limit to 4mph over the speed limit

Dear Kent88:
In my case, I'm thinking of interstate highways with 3+ lanes each way. Plenty of room for average speed drivers
Sincerely Speed Racer

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Competition Organizers of the comp I am currently in,

I really do get it. You need to get as many people to the awards ceremony as you can, to justify taking up the space, getting homebrewers together for a fun time, and having a great audience; which is why you don't post results until after said ceremony. And the email you sent, with a 'hint' that I should definitely attend, has my brain whirling in circles wondering if my darling Porter (and the other two entries I sent) did well. But the suspense is killing me. Is it Saturday yet????

Sincerely, I have patience in brewing but pretty much for nothing else

 

[Velnerj]

Dear homebrewer with patience,

How the heck did you find that?! I've been looking high and low for patience but it always seems to be run out or paper thin.... Which homebrew shop do you use? Because they never seem to have it at mine.

Sincerely,
Is my beer ready yet?

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

Dear restaurant week restaurant,
For me the week is about going to a new-to-me eatery to enjoy a nice meal at a reasonable price, but you need to hold up your end of the bargain and supply an edible entree. Freshly baked dinner rolls, were lovely so was dessert, the appetizer was fine. I don’t know how long one must cook lobster meat to turn it into rubber more bouncy than a Goodyear tire, the salt level was far beyond ocean brine, and you claim it’s a specialty and offer 6 styles of lobster rolls four of them are an abomination.
Sincerely,
Will 24 hr souse vide tenderize the lobster to make it edible?

 

[Kent88]

Dear mini-me,

I know, it's partly my fault for sending you to the bio-weapons development facility every weekday, but I wish you didn't bring back a cold two days before I'm supposed to play harmonica for a crowd for the first time in months.

Sincerely,
Your dad who needs to practice.

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Is My Beer Ready Yet,

Patience can be purchased, as I've learned over the last few years....it's sold in a package labeled Kveik.

Sincerely, I've tried many times and have only screwed up one batch with that yeast and it was the *plate chiller's fault.

*actually it was my fault but hey more fun to blame equipment.

 

[Kent88]

Dear Plate Chiller,

C'mon, you have a very capable brewer to work with and you're messing up her beer. Seriously, you need to get it together.

Sincerely,
Never tried Kveik

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Never Tried Kveik,

You have no idea what you're missing.

Sincerely, the nice esters it can produce are fantastic in a NEIPA with very little effort

 

[seatazzz]

Dear old impatient eyes of mine,

Next time you enter a blonde in a competition make sure you look carefully at ALL the classes before deciding 'well I guess they don't have a blonde class, I'll just enter it as a kolsch and see what happens'.

Sincerely, received a score of 13 for a fairly decent blonde, and deserved it.

 

[Tony B]

Dear person who took the elevator after me,
My apologies for the foul odor of rotting death that enveloped you as you innocently utilized the lift.
Sincerely, gaseous neighbor.

 

[Kent88]

 

[bailey mountain brewer]

Dear 20 year old commercial zero turn mower, why does your hydraulic pump have to be so expensive, I need you to mow my lawn, and you need that pump to work. I don't want to pay the price at the dealer to fix you so sounds like I'll be giving myself more work.

Sincerely, the grass is getting really high.

Ps... not snoop dog high, like tall high.

 

[Kent88]

Dear "grass" grower,

Have you considered goats as a means of controlling how wild your yard gets?

Sincerely,
Please Delete thread participant

P.S. take pictures of your stoned goats

 

[bailey mountain brewer]

Dear goat,
Get off my lawn.

Sincerely, no goats.

Ps. Do you have any idea how many times I've told my daughters "no we aren't getting goats".

Pss. I would need a lottttt of goats.

 

[Kent88]

Dear no goats (yet),

I have one thing to say to you.

Sincerely,
Please Delete Participant

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

Dear restaurant week restaurant,
For me the week is about going to a new-to-me eatery to enjoy a nice meal at a reasonable price, but you need to hold up your end of the bargain and supply an edible entree. Freshly baked dinner rolls, were lovely so was dessert, the appetizer was fine. I don’t know how long one must cook lobster meat to turn it into rubber more bouncy than a Goodyear tire, the salt level was far beyond ocean brine, and you claim it’s a specialty and offer 6 styles of lobster rolls four of them are an abomination.
Sincerely,
Will 24 hr souse vide tenderize the lobster to make it edible?

Dear cooks,

Using souse vide did tenderize the chewy lobster and I used it for a quesadilla. The excessive salt washed off easily.

Sincerely, frugal old woman without cats or dogs to feed leftovers to.

 

[Kee]

Dear bowling center with the sign "We are not responsible for damage to bowling balls". Yes you are. It's your poorly maintained equipment biting chunks out of them. Please change your sign to (something like) "ball damage may result from playing our lanes but you will get no sympathy or money from our owner".

 

[balrog]

Dear Yard,
I walked and stewed and fretted my hour upon the stage of my yard, and calculated needing 13 cubic yards of mulch to finally cover the nasty stupid dysfunctional pebble mulch. But my brain could not believe I needed more than my neighbor, who always gets 5 yards. So I got 5 yards. I am sorry. It was not enough. Oh, it was plenty as far as my back was concerned, but not nearly enough. Mrs. 'Rog says it's good enough. OCD Brain is silently chewing its lips in consternation. Mr. Ibuprofen Bottle is happy to see me after a long absence.
Sincerely,
Rain starts tomorrow, but I is done. Stick a fork in me.

PS, Now I know why people hire people to do this.

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

Dear Stick a fork in me,

Now you’ve done it, cue the feral feline and other critters the “outdoor cat box” has been refreshed.

Sincerely,
Stopped doing that when old dog being walked would grab a mouthful of “tootsie rolls covered in mulch” to munch

 

[balrog]

Dear Stick a fork in me,

Now you’ve done it, cue the feral feline and other critters the “outdoor cat box” has been refreshed.

Sincerely,
Stopped doing that when old dog being walked would grab a mouthful of “tootsie rolls covered in mulch” to munch

Dude, quite harshin my vibe!

Dear Neighborhood Felines Free to Roam,
Welcome to my yard,
Eat all the moles, voles, and chipmunks to your heart's desire.
Sincerely
Emptying Another Basement Mouse Trap.

 

[Snuffy]

Dear High-Speed Electric String Trimmer Designers,

Your device works well, but the counter-clockwise spin tends to coat my left side from ear to ankle in shredded vegetation that may or may not include poison oak. Is it possible I have purchased the left hand model? <scratch scratch>.

PS: I would suggest you add a friendly tip in the safety part of the brochure about the need to keep your mouth closed while using this tool.
And I thought hops were bitter...

Sincerely,
<Ptui gag spit scratch>

 

[mac_1103]

Dear <Ptui gag spit scratch>,



Sincerely,
The 3M company

 

[Snuffy]

Dear 3M,

Your suggestion is appreciated. I have tried several such devices and eventually settled on the full dental hygienist face shield which is less restrictive and doesn't promote sweaty face, leaving me looking like a dust encrusted baboon clown. I have also considered the zip-up disposable onesie favored by most asbestos removal crews which provides the added benefit of a hoodie. However, I am beginning to believe that, like sheetrockers, lawn service folks are well worth the money.

Sincerely,
Watching from the shade with beer

 

[balrog]

Dear 3M,

Your suggestion is appreciated. I have tried several such devices and eventually settled on the full dental hygienist face shield which is less restrictive and doesn't promote sweaty face, leaving me looking like a dust encrusted baboon clown. I have also considered the zip-up disposable onesie favored by most asbestos removal crews which provides the added benefit of a hoodie. However, I am beginning to believe that, like sheetrockers, lawn service folks are well worth the money.

Sincerely,
Watching from the shade with beer

Dear Covered,
I share your aversion to becoming the green grass equivalent of a sugar coated apple cider donut, especially with my poison ivy allergy. Talk about bitter with a side of itchy blisters.
Sincerely
Feeling itchy suddenly

 

[mac_1103]

Dear Watching,

There's always this:

Might get a bit warm though.

Sincerely,
3M

 

[Broken Crow]

Dear Ptui gag spit scratch
Does your sheild not rotate, or not cover enough spray?
You could always add an extra one: https://www.amazon.com/Kuuleyn-Plastic-Trimmer-Dustproof-Accessory/dp/B0BLH3RXVJ
Scincerly,
A guy who forgot to rotate his weed whacker sheild and ate a lot of grass before remembering it is adjustable.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Dear ptui gag spit scratch,

Why do you not just use the tool with your left hand instead of your right hand? How hard can it truly be to switch hands?

Sincerely,
Bitter lefty that has had to clumsily work with right-handed tools/implements his entire life

 

[mac_1103]

Dear Bitter lefty,

You're kidding right?

Sincerely,
Guy who can't brush his teeth with his left hand, and that's with an electric tooth brush

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Dear Guy who can't use his left hand,

It's quite possible that if you'd grown up a right-hander in a left-hander's world, you'd have learned to at least get to a barely functioning use of your left hand based on a lack of other options. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?

Sincerely,
You can do it! All it takes is a lack of any other options!

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Dear amazing, listening wife,

Thank you for buying me a left-hand serrated bread knife. Most people [incl. those on this thread] would have no idea why such a thing exists. I'm not sure you do either--but you bought it for me anyway.

And the other day when I was in charge of slicing buns for burgers for the family--they sliced exactly correctly with this knife, where I'd have been fighting it with the right hand version.

Sincerely,
It's amazing how much more smoothly life goes when you're not fighting your biology when using the available tools

 

[mac_1103]

Dear Lack of options,

Your concern is deeply appreciated. However, I can do certain things with my left hand. Catching things for example. Most notably baseballs and hockey pucks.

Sincerely,
Exceptionally right-handed aged former athlete