Stupid Joke Thread!

[Sailingeric]

What do you call someone who pretends to be Swedish?​

An artificial Swedener

 

[ehall]

i get hit by the same bike every day...

its a viscous cycle...

 

[BongoYodeler]

Not actually a joke, but am I the only one this happens to?

Brain: Cactus.
Me: ok.
Brain: Touch it.
Me: But it’s sharp.
Brain: I know, but HOW sharp?..
Me: Ouch!! Dammit!!

 

[agentbud]

Mine usually goes like this:

Brain: Beer.
Me: Ok.
Brain: Drink it.
Me: But I've had enough.
Brain: I know, but drink it.
Me: Ok.

 

[bracconiere]

Mine usually goes like this:

Brain: Beer.
Me: Ok.
Brain: Drink it.
Me: But I've had enough.
Brain: I know, but drink it.
Me: Ok.

mine usually just counts the beers the next day and says...DAMN IT! i can't afford to pay vitamin E, or depending on wither i'm drinking cider or beer the folate or thiamin bills! tell myself god damn it!

 

[Mr. Vern]

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

 

[Mr. Vern]

I tried to resist... but this looked fun

Brain: hey there is 10 minutes left in the boil
Me: OK
Brain: Lets add something fun
Me: No! we did that last time.
Brain: But you have extra hops, lactose, coca, nibs, vanilla, coriander, fruit....
Me: ....
Brain: ....
Me: I'm pretty sure a kolsch could use some knock-out hops and lemon peel

 

[balrog]

Brain: Heat's on for boil, it always takes 12-17 minutes to boil. That means you only have <= 12 minutes until boil.
Brain: And then it will boil
Brain: And boil over it you're not there
Brain: Like it has done before
Me: I have time to measure hops now. Down in the basement. At the other end of the house. And find a fermenter to use. Oh, and removed the existing batch from the ferm chamber. Oh yeah, and start up the new batch logging on BrewPiRemix

Brain: Why do I even try?

Me: I don't remember why, but I'll bring up some extra towels from the basement with the hops....

 

[agentbud]

^^ So that this does not take over the Joke thread, I took @BongoYodeler's idea and stared a new post called Brain vs Me... here: Brain vs Me...

 

[Sailingeric]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo

 

[balrog]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo

Oh the buildup was intense.

 

[Steveruch]

Oh the buildup was intense.

That's what she said.

 

[Sailingeric]

How are the movies *The Titanic* and *The Sixth Sense* alike?​

Icy dead people

 

[bracconiere]

How are the movies *The Titanic* and *The Sixth Sense* alike?​

Icy dead people

i thought all the icy people were still alive? and disenchanted?

 

[balrog]

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.



It doesn't make sandwiches. It just craps all over the kitchen floor.

 

[ba-brewer]

^good thing you were not craving a french dip sandwich.

 

[bracconiere]

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.



It doesn't make sandwiches. It just craps all over the kitchen floor.

a lot of people make that spelling mistake when buying, 'chic' "elegant and wealthy" not chick.... i think anyway, and it sounds like you got a shabby chicken instead?

 

[soccerdad]

Population growth in the Capital of Ireland is skyrocketing.


It's Dublin.

 

[davidabcd]

This one might have already been done but I'm not going to read thirty pages.
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
She tried to read a stucco wall.

The sort of inappropriate jokes I grew up with.

 

[bracconiere]

This one might have already been done but I'm not going to read thirty pages.
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
She tried to read a stucco wall.

The sort of inappropriate jokes I grew up with.

wasn't helen keller born before the 60's?

 

[davidabcd]

wasn't helen keller born before the 60's?

I'd have to look. I get her and Anne Frank mixed up.
Keller was a fascinating person though--blind and deaf--and learned to communicate. Didn't stop me from poking fun though, did it?
Edit: I'm pretty sure the jokes started posthumously.

 

[bracconiere]

Didn't stop me from poking fun though, did it?

well i can see AND hear, and still sound stupid so props to helen!

 

[davidabcd]

well i can see AND hear, and still sound stupid

I'm right there with you.

 

[bracconiere]

I'm right there with you.

LOL, i forgot i don't have a sense of taste though....so my beer is always the BEST here!

 

[davidabcd]

i don't have a sense of taste though

maybe you've had COVID for a really, really, really, really long time and had it even before it was common. Maybe you're patient zero????
They've been looking still, trying to figure it out.
Are you friends with some monkeys with questionable behavior?

I'm just joking around.
As far as beer, my relatives initiate requests that I bring it to gatherings. That still doesn't technically mean it's good, just that it's free and has a decent ABV.

 

[bracconiere]

Are you friends with some monkeys with questionable behavior?

oh, so now you're going to insult the people i talk to!

 

[davidabcd]

oh, so now you're going to insult the people i talk to!

You and me both. I said the only thing I could think of, something I currently experience.
Monkeys are a barrel of laughs. That's my reason.
Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby?
He was a little horse.

 

[Sailingeric]

My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok​

Wookie mistake

 

[soccerdad]

Murphy's Law - if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.
Cole's Law - thinly sliced cabbage in a salad.

 

[Sailingeric]

What's Albert Einstein's rapper name?​

MC Squared

 

[MHBT]

What fo you call a female peacock?

A peacu nevermind

 

[Abrayton]

How do you make a hormone? Squeeze her boobs.

 

[bracconiere]

damn, what do you call someone that can only think of lame jokes?

the hokey pokey.....

 

[kartracer2]

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay them!

 

[soccerdad]

I had a chat with the trees in my yard. They say it's definitely spring now. They are releaved.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like, “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

 

[balrog]

It takes me 5 minutes to walk down to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

 

[BongoYodeler]

I once went to this terrible tavern called the Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

Did you hear about the geologists who got married?
They took each other for granite.
Pretty soon, things got rocky.

Want to hear a joke about construction?
Wait a while. I'm still working on it.

Did you hear about the two snails in the boxing match?
It was a real slug fest.

If you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter, you get pumpkin pi.

Choose a major you love and you will never work a day in your life.
Because that field is probably not hiring.

Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his boss. He said he was going to be a few minutes late today. So I gave him the day off.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

Which cheese is made backwards?
Edam.

Last night I thought I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

I'm giving up eating chocolate for a month.
Sorry. Autocorrect.
I'm giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping for a new bathroom scale.
I can't weight.

My therapist says I'm obsessed with revenge.
I'll show him.

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]