Stupid Joke Thread!

[homebrewer_99]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin.

When a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunk’s.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts piss off, ya fookin little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!

Sister Mary Immaculalta then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?

 

[homebrewer_99]

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

 

[enkamania]

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Two obnoxious businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop at the mall.

The shop wasn't ready and only had a few shelves set up.


One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior pensioner is going to walk by, put their

face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the

window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"


One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."


Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well...I see you only have two left."

 

[homebrewer_99]

 

[jcav]

What was the most perverted thing ever said on a television show!





"Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night!"

 

[homebrewer_99]

What was the most perverted thing ever said on a television show! "Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night!"

I know that joke as "What was the first R-rated line on TV?"


SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER : ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

 

[homebrewer_99]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM. Can you believe that...2:30 AM? Lucky for him I was still up practicing my Bagpipe.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're not listening".

The wife was counting all the nickles and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

An Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

[homebrewer_99]

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press 1 for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?



HEY! You guys started it...


An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied, "The balcony".

 

[homebrewer_99]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and
asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"


He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

[ba-brewer]

I lost my job. Well I didn’t lose it, I know where it is, there’s just some other guy doing it now.

blah blah blah

I lost my girlfriend. Well I did not really lose her.

-Bobcat Goldthwait

 

[ba-brewer]

What do you call a cow with no legs? Doesn't matter he ain't coming!

Ground beef

 

[enkamania]

I was a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired

 

[ismellweird]

Ground beef

I already gave the answer

 

[day_trippr]

@ba-brewer's answer was funnier...

 

[homebrewer_99]

I lost my job. Well I didn’t lose it, I know where it is, there’s just some other guy doing it now.

blah blah blah

I lost my girlfriend. Well I did not really lose her.

-Bobcat Goldthwait

I remember when he said that in the George Carlin show "Apartment 2C" back in the 80s.

 

[ismellweird]

@ba-brewer's answer was funnier...

That’s fine, was just pointing out I published the real joke.

 

[S-Met]

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Tri-Tip.


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.


What do you call the Rancher who helps the cow with no legs?

Hamburger Helper.

Just pointng out that this was posted back on page 6 of this thread Feb 24, 2018 as a cow joke. I dont like to over think joke, but the validity is funnier as ground beef. Asking what you call a cow with four legs is equally benign as it still wont come to you.

 

[ba-brewer]

I remember when he said that in the George Carlin show "Apartment 2C" back in the 80s.

I don't recall when I heard it, but it did come to mind while reading your jokes.

 

[ismellweird]

Just pointng out that this was posted back on page 6 of this thread Feb 24, 2018 as a cow joke. I dont like to over think joke, but the validity is funnier as ground beef. Asking what you call a cow with four legs is equally benign as it still wont come to you.

I think this joke is different in different areas of the world. I’ve made cows come. They are smart too like dogs. I’m not saying dogs is wrong just not the joke I grew up with.

 

[S-Met]

[QUOTE="ismellweird, post: 8286816, member: 249148"I’ve made cows come.[/QUOTE]
I'm envisioning that breakfast scene from Kingpin right about now. Finishing up a bowl of cereal and talking about milking the cow... but we have a Bull!

 

[ismellweird]

I'm envisioning that breakfast scene from Kingpin right about now. Finishing up a bowl of cereal and talking about milking the cow... but we have a Bull![/QUOTE]

Ooooh, WYSIWYG

mell

 

[Schreiner]

Joke my daughter came up with:
How can you tell if a crayon is a boy or a girl? Trick question. It's cansgender!

 

[ba-brewer]

What has 12 legs, 2 dicks and 1 ball?

Murphy, Moe and Vern.

 

[bpgreen]

I’ve made cows come.

Ew. Isn't that illegal in most states?

 

[RonnieBiggs]

All this cow talk reminds me...
Q. What has two legs and bleeds alot?
A. Half a cow

 

[ismellweird]

Ew. Isn't that illegal in most states?

Cows are real smart, smarter than people know. After a while they learn their names, but the right way is to establish a word or phrase and teach all the cows. That way they can all be standing around in a field and you yell the word and they all start coming at the same time. Smart animals. I had a cow years ago Henrietta. Very smart, I taught her to come but also sit, stay, just like a dog. She was struck by a piece of a falling aircraft and killed.

 

[baldm79]

Ew. Isn't that illegal in most states?

Definitely not something to admit to on a forum! I’ll call peta

 

[vanishingpint]

Cows are real smart, smarter than people know. After a while they learn their names, but the right way is to establish a word or phrase and teach all the cows. That way they can all be standing around in a field and you yell the word and they all start coming at the same time. Smart animals. I had a cow years ago Henrietta. Very smart, I taught her to come but also sit, stay, just like a dog. She was struck by a piece of a falling aircraft and killed.

Here we go again.

 

[ismellweird]

Here we go again.

No sorry, it sounds crazy, I know, but they can sit. It looks a little like a dog sitting. They don't really like to do it unless they're feeling really lazy, like when it's going to rain.

 

[soccerdad]

Homebrewtalk .. where men are men and sheep are afraid. Cows too, I guess.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Homebrewtalk .. where men are men and sheep are afraid. Cows too, I guess.

I thought that was Montana...

 

[ba-brewer]

A guy is on trial for bestiality with a sheep and the witness is testifying. The witness starts describing in great detail how the guy first put the sheep's leg in his left boot, then he put the other leg in his right boot but the sheep kept pulling it's legs from the boots before the guy could have his way with the sheep. In the middle of testimony Juror#4 nudges Juror#3 and whispers "Don't you hate when they will do that".

 

[JohnSand]

Which leads us to What are the three biggest lies a cowboy tells?
I own the ranch.
The pickup truck is paid off.
I was just helping that sheep over a fence.

 

[homebrewer_99]

[QUOTE="ismellweird, post: 8286816, member: 249148"I’ve made cows come.

I'm envisioning that breakfast scene from Kingpin right about now. Finishing up a bowl of cereal and talking about milking the cow... but we have a Bull![/QUOTE]

I read once that if you milk a bull you have a friend for life...

 

[heymak]

Guy sitting at the kitchen table drinking his morning coffee, wife ask why so glum? He says remember twenty years ago when you were 16 and I was 20 and your father caught us in the back seat of my car. He put a shotgun in my face and said" Married my daughter or go to jail for 20 years".....Today's the day I would have got out.

 

[S-Met]

Which leads us to What are the three biggest lies a cowboy tells?
I own the ranch.
The pickup truck is paid off.
I was just helping that sheep over a fence.

You forgot "I won this belt buckle"

 

[JohnSand]

So, this guy is at the doctor for a check up. The doctor asks if there are any changes in his life.
"Well, I don't think my wife loves me anymore."
"A common fear" the doctor replies. "I'm not a therapist, but has she asked for a divorce? Started seeing someone? Told you she doesn't love you?"
"No, nothing like that" the man replies. "There is this one little thing. Late at night when she thinks I'm asleep, she whispers in my ear 'Die you bastard!'"

 

[Boomer]

I thought that was Montana...

Easy turbo.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Here's a good toast my deceased father in law used to tell to his drinking buddies.

"Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women!"

[emoji481] [emoji481] [emoji481]