Stupid Joke Thread!

[BongoYodeler]

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping ever since.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping ever since.

Hemp cord?

 

[balrog]

 

[Closet Fermenter]

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. "Can I have a pint of LESS, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking puzzled, "Never heard of it. Is it a new kind of light beer?"

"I have no idea." says the man, "but I was at the doctor this morning and he told me I should drink LESS."

 

[BongoYodeler]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

View attachment 842198

Last time I saw that on here, it was the Mother In Law, threw in ocean, wet book placed on night stand.

Still the same amount of funny!

 

[balrog]

 

[Broothru]

View attachment 842225

No. It the Thermos bottle.

Iced drink or steaming hot coffee. It can keep either one in its preferred temperature state for hours on end.

But how does it know?

 

[Closet Fermenter]

No. It the Thermos bottle.

Iced drink or steaming hot coffee. It can keep either one in its preferred temperature state for hours on end.

But how does it know?

Remember hearing Archie Bunker make that remark. Absolutely hilarious!

 

[doug293cz]

No. It the Thermos bottle.

Iced drink or steaming hot coffee. It can keep either one in its preferred temperature state for hours on end.

But how does it know?

But that doesn't work with the pun.

To answer your question - a thermos bottle is a heat flow blocker, and it blocks heat flowing into, or out of the vessel. It doesn't have to know which it is doing for any given contents.

Brew on

 

[Closet Fermenter]

But that doesn't work with the pun.

To answer your question - a thermos bottle is a heat flow blocker, and it blocks heat flowing into, or out of the vessel. It doesn't have to know which it is doing for any given contents.

Brew on

Of course it does; it has to know whether it’s blocking the flow in or out!

 

[balrog]

...and the water has to know whether its going to the toilet or the sink drinking water!

Magic!

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

We sat down with our son and said, “Billy, you were adopted.”

His face filled with anger and he demanded to meet his biological parents.

“Billy, we ARE your biological parents. Now hurry and pack your bags.”

 

[balrog]

My therapist told me that to feel better and more in control I should always replace the word “problem” in all my thoughts with the word “opportunity”. And it works!

I may have a severe drinking opportunity.

 

[balrog]

I was seeing a beautiful woman but something came between us.


Her blinds.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BongoYodeler]

Subject: FW: : Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion

 

[Rish]

Three samurai were outside discussing their skills with a sword when a fly buzzed by. The first samurai drew his sword, sliced the fly in half and said, "That fly will never breathe again." Another fly came and the second samurai drew his sword and swung. The fly flew to the ground, wingless. The samurai said, "This fly will never fly again." When a third fly came by, the last samurai drew and swung and the fly buzzed away. The samurai said, "That fly will never reproduce again."

 

[homebeerbrewer]

The fly who had his wings cut off is now called a "walk".

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[pvtpublic]

Grandma may have had a white pony, but mama had a little helper...

 

[balrog]

Today's music lesson:

 

[BongoYodeler]