Have a couple of 'em...

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deathweed said:
... "You know, every time you spill a beer, an angel burns in hell..."...
Never heard that one, but it's great! I'm gonna steal it from you!

When someone leaves and says, "See ya later" or "I'll be back in awhile", I respond, "Thanks for the warning."

When someone says, "I'm gonna take a piss" I sometimes respond, "Take one for me while you're at it."

When someone says, "Man, am I drunk", I sometimes respond, "I'll alert the media."
 
sdhucks7 said:
Just thought of one my friend uses all the time "f@#$ed up like a football bat" I always thought that was a good one.
I've always used it used in response to a really bad idea.

"I bet that went over like a football bat"

or

"I bet that went over like a lead baloon"
 
When someone complains about their SWMBO:

It comes with the plumbing.


When someone echoes the first complaint about their SWMBO, too:


Yep, they're all sisters..........



apologies to the lady folk that might read this........:)
 
You fellers are nuttier than squirrel turds. I mean, listening to ya'll talk is like watchin' a three legged cat bury a turd on a frozen pond next to a monkey funkin a football.

Smell you jerks later
 
I said this once at the end of a meeting in reference to going back out to my job site with a coworker who was already at the jobsite (it's a take-off from Naked Gun 2):

"I've got to get back out to the jobsite. I promised Jeff we'd bake a raisin nut bread together."
 
Whenever someone asks me "What do you know?" I always respond:

Well, the first thing's ole Jed's a millionaire, other than that, not much.
 
Heres a few
About my stupid coworker Hard to imagine that he beat out a million other sperm.
The hot girlfriend, If you stand next to her you can hear the ocean.
How about the teenage daughter's boyfriend. He looks like he plays goalie for the darts team.
 
If all your friends were named Cliff would you jump off them?

That's nuttier that squirell poop!

I like other kinds of odd metaphors, like "That's crappier than a hog farm with a bad cause of dysentery"

oh and to swear, I like saying "Jesus H Roosevelt Christ!"

I've also been working phrases like "bollocks" and "bloody brilliant" into my vocabulary. Also to further irritate people I've started saying it Shed-yule instead of Sked-yule.

Also, when people ask me 'How are you doing?' or 'what are you doing?' I always answer them. I hate that being used as a mindless greeting, so I WILL take you literally.

When I can think of more, I'll add them.
 
EvilTOJ said:
oh and to swear, I like saying "Jesus H Roosevelt Christ!"

I have been saying Jesus Harold Christ for a long time now. I recently watched Natural Born Killers since that movie is awesome and I haven't seen it in a long while. Anyway, that must have been where I picked it up. And here I thought I was being clever all these years. Oh well.

Also, on the same note. In situations where most people would say something along the lines of "Oh thank God", I say "Praise Allah". Just for sheets and grins.
 
I've got a whole bunch of stupid types:

While announcing that I have to leave:

I'm off like a... "Insert one of the following here"

pair of wet panties
a prom dress
herd of turtles
full diaper
rocket

When something doesn't make sense:

"That's like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer cause it feels so good when you stop"

"makes about as much sense as tits on a boar pig"

"makes about as much sense as tits on a nun"

To comment on intellegence:

"He's dumber than a bag of hammers"

"He's as smart as your average stump"

That's all for now, I'm off like a prom dress...
 
Rick_R said:
Some of these are pretty good but even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and again.

Rick (It's a rural thang)

Reminds me of a friend who emailed me in 2006 when TAMU beat texas with "even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and again"

Last year after we beat them again,I had to send him, "I guess this squirrel found two nuts to slap you with!"

Ahhh wit... a year in the making...:)
 
Lil' Sparky said:
MR DUCKS
MR NOT
OSAR CM WINGS
LIB MR DUCKS

Of course, the meaning is in your best bubba dialect "Them are ducks. Them are not. Oh yes they are. See them wings. Well I'll be. Them are ducks."

I heard that one as

ABCDEDBD Ducks (Hey Bea! See The Itty Bitty Ducks?)
MR NOT DUCKS (them are not ducks
OSAR CDEDBD WINGS (Oh Yes They Are! See the Itty Bitty Wings?)
YIB MR DUCKS! (Why I'll Be! Them Are Ducks!)
 
Well, this one is tied to my name...
If you've ever heard the expression F**k a Duck, well I say...
FARTaCHICKEN!

corney, i know!
 
Why he's so dumb if he fell into a barrel full of titties he'd come up sucking his thumb.
 
There's this one friend of mine, and EVERY conversation we have degrades into a never ending string of "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes.

That, and I once told someone she was about as merciful as a polecat.
 
Whenever someone asks me "Is today the the 21st? (or whatever day it is), as long as they're correct I always start my reply with "Well, unless something went horribly wrong last night...."
 
tell SWMBO every once in a while....

Women!!!, can't live with 'em,
shoot 'em and you go to jail.

Of course she knows I'm only joking....I hope
__________________
Women, you can't live with'em and ........................;) you can't live with 'em!

Man, he's sharper than a bowling ball.

When someone asks me how I am?
I'm just like an old p**sy, look like hell, but I still feel pretty good!
 
Willy Boner said:
Women, you can't live with'em and ........................;) you can't live with 'em!

Women, you can't live with them, can't have heterosexual sex without 'em!"
 
Y'all just reminded me of a friend who used to say "he's so (stupid/dumb/uncoordinated), he couldn't hit his butt with both hands."

And another friend, who still says "it's hotter than an fresh ****ed fox in a forest fire." :)


TL
 
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