Have a couple of 'em...

[PurdyGood]

My father-in-law has a new one every time i see him. My favorite is when he threw this one out there: "And when that happened, I about sh!t a meat-axe." Instead of the proverbial brick. Also, good mental picture.

Another one: since I'm in the medical field, i encounter this word far more often than most people, and I never miss the opportunity to use it. "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

 

[sdhucks7]

One of my favs is when someone asks "have you seen...." my responce is always "That blue stuff you put your comb in?" (from Caddyshack one of the greatest movies ever)


SD

 

[Bedlam]

Oh, you guys made me think of a couple more:

"Well, sh!t fire and save matches!" --an exclamation of surprise, along the lines of "Well, I'll be!"

"Even a red dog gets fleas." --meaning even high-falutin' people have the same problems as us commoners.

A good friend of mine, when we worked at a summer camp with frequent 8-legged visitors, was fond of saying, "Oooh! Didja see that one? It was so huge, it was wearing sneakers and carryin' a suitcase! That sucker was on the move!"

 

[mr x]

Self depricating:
'I'm not a complete idiot, there's a few parts missing'

Reserved for other idiots:
'You're living proof your mother and father were brother and sister.'

 

[cubbies]

Haha, I have always loved the rocket surgery one. I use it to this day even though it is not quite as funny to those around me.

One of my favorites is "s\he is not the sharpest drawer in the knife". Not sure where I picked it up, put it will always get you a crooked eyebrow or two.

 

[TexLaw]

We have a few, constantly running, bad jokes in my homebrew club. One is to catch just about anyone saying just about any word ending with "-er" and replying with "***-er?! Hardly know 'er?" Yeah, it gets funnier every time. However, sometimes, it gets quite funny, like the time the waiter (waiter?! hardly know 'er!) accidentally brought an extra beer to the table and asked "Anybody wanna porter?"

"Bend over and I'll show ya" is a nearly perfect answer to any question beginning with "how do you/I . . . ?" or "how are you/we gonna . . . ?"


TL

 

[Flyin' Lion]

When SWMBO returns from the bathroom I'll ask "everything come out okay?"

I've got more, just can't think of any at the moment.

 

[Dr_Deathweed]

Going into the bathroom:
Me: "10 minutes, 175lbs"
Other:"what?"
Me:"If I'm not back in 10 minutes, thats how much sh!t you should shovel out"

Whenever I say something intellectual, of figure something out for someone, I point at my head and say "Kidneys!" (from Red Skelton)
-or-
If its something clever, "Well I am a cunning linguist.."

I hurt myself: "Ow my ovaries!" (from Simpson's)

Proud of something, "Who's got two thumbs and (insert accomplishment)... This guy! (point at myself with thumbs)"

Whenever the wife leaves for work: "Have good Mosh Pitting!" (the goat, Adam Sandler)

If someone asks me how much drug to give, "RFL" (read the f'ing label)

"Don't discount luck, depend on it"

"If you can only spell something one way, it shows a lack of imagination"

If its a story and the other person is obviously not listening/uninterested or the story is going nowhere, I will wrap it up with, "And then I found five dollars! Yay!"

If someone spills their beer, "You know, every time you spill a beer, an angel burns in hell..."

I pull out alot of old movie quotes and song lyrics at times, but these are the things I do habitually that I can think of off the top of my head.

 

[Lil' Sparky]

"Well, sh!t fire and save matches!" --an exclamation of surprise, along the lines of "Well, I'll be!"

Reminded me of another one.

When someone points out something, occassionally I'll respond with "L I B, M R Ducks!"

Comes from some childhood game where we would write this on a piece of paper and tell someone else to tell you what it said.

MR DUCKS
MR NOT
OSAR CM WINGS
LIB MR DUCKS

Of course, the meaning is in your best bubba dialect "Them are ducks. Them are not. Oh yes they are. See them wings. Well I'll be. Them are ducks."

 

[sdhucks7]

Just thought of one my friend uses all the time "f@#$ed up like a football bat" I always thought that was a good one.


SD

 

[Rhoobarb]

... "You know, every time you spill a beer, an angel burns in hell..."...

Never heard that one, but it's great! I'm gonna steal it from you!

When someone leaves and says, "See ya later" or "I'll be back in awhile", I respond, "Thanks for the warning."

When someone says, "I'm gonna take a piss" I sometimes respond, "Take one for me while you're at it."

When someone says, "Man, am I drunk", I sometimes respond, "I'll alert the media."

 

[Lil' Sparky]

Just thought of one my friend uses all the time "f@#$ed up like a football bat" I always thought that was a good one.

I've always used it used in response to a really bad idea.

"I bet that went over like a football bat"

or

"I bet that went over like a lead baloon"

 

[Bernie Brewer]

When someone complains about their SWMBO:

It comes with the plumbing.


When someone echoes the first complaint about their SWMBO, too:


Yep, they're all sisters..........



apologies to the lady folk that might read this........

 

[TheCrane]

You fellers are nuttier than squirrel turds. I mean, listening to ya'll talk is like watchin' a three legged cat bury a turd on a frozen pond next to a monkey funkin a football.

Smell you jerks later

 

[mrk305]

"have a good day!"

....... don't tell me what to have!

 

[menschmaschine]

I said this once at the end of a meeting in reference to going back out to my job site with a coworker who was already at the jobsite (it's a take-off from Naked Gun 2):

"I've got to get back out to the jobsite. I promised Jeff we'd bake a raisin nut bread together."

 

[cowgo]

Whenever someone asks me "What do you know?" I always respond:

Well, the first thing's ole Jed's a millionaire, other than that, not much.

 

[gaffrig24]

Heres a few
About my stupid coworker Hard to imagine that he beat out a million other sperm.
The hot girlfriend, If you stand next to her you can hear the ocean.
How about the teenage daughter's boyfriend. He looks like he plays goalie for the darts team.

 

[EvilTOJ]

If all your friends were named Cliff would you jump off them?

That's nuttier that squirell poop!

I like other kinds of odd metaphors, like "That's crappier than a hog farm with a bad cause of dysentery"

oh and to swear, I like saying "Jesus H Roosevelt Christ!"

I've also been working phrases like "bollocks" and "bloody brilliant" into my vocabulary. Also to further irritate people I've started saying it Shed-yule instead of Sked-yule.

Also, when people ask me 'How are you doing?' or 'what are you doing?' I always answer them. I hate that being used as a mindless greeting, so I WILL take you literally.

When I can think of more, I'll add them.

 

[cubbies]

oh and to swear, I like saying "Jesus H Roosevelt Christ!"

I have been saying Jesus Harold Christ for a long time now. I recently watched Natural Born Killers since that movie is awesome and I haven't seen it in a long while. Anyway, that must have been where I picked it up. And here I thought I was being clever all these years. Oh well.

Also, on the same note. In situations where most people would say something along the lines of "Oh thank God", I say "Praise Allah". Just for sheets and grins.

 

[zbeeblebrox]

i tend to say "jiminy christmas"
and ever since saving private ryan came out i always say "I'll see you on the beach"

 

[Rick_R]

Some of these are pretty good but even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and again.

Rick (It's a rural thang)

 

[Seabee John]

I've got a whole bunch of stupid types:

While announcing that I have to leave:

I'm off like a... "Insert one of the following here"

pair of wet panties
a prom dress
herd of turtles
full diaper
rocket

When something doesn't make sense:

"That's like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer cause it feels so good when you stop"

"makes about as much sense as tits on a boar pig"

"makes about as much sense as tits on a nun"

To comment on intellegence:

"He's dumber than a bag of hammers"

"He's as smart as your average stump"

That's all for now, I'm off like a prom dress...

 

[Dr_Deathweed]

Some of these are pretty good but even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and again.

Rick (It's a rural thang)

Reminds me of a friend who emailed me in 2006 when TAMU beat texas with "even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and again"

Last year after we beat them again,I had to send him, "I guess this squirrel found two nuts to slap you with!"

Ahhh wit... a year in the making...

 

[Melana]

Hmmmm lets see...

Let's make like a baby and head out

Better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass.

 

[PeteOz77]

MR DUCKS
MR NOT
OSAR CM WINGS
LIB MR DUCKS

Of course, the meaning is in your best bubba dialect "Them are ducks. Them are not. Oh yes they are. See them wings. Well I'll be. Them are ducks."

I heard that one as

ABCDEDBD Ducks (Hey Bea! See The Itty Bitty Ducks?)
MR NOT DUCKS (them are not ducks
OSAR CDEDBD WINGS (Oh Yes They Are! See the Itty Bitty Wings?)
YIB MR DUCKS! (Why I'll Be! Them Are Ducks!)

 

[PeteOz77]

Breaking one of the rules..


When referring to something that was huge....my old boss used to say. "Bigger Than Hitler's Gas Bill!"

 

[FARTaCHICKEN]

Well, this one is tied to my name...
If you've ever heard the expression F**k a Duck, well I say...
FARTaCHICKEN!

corney, i know!

 

[cowgo]

Why he's so dumb if he fell into a barrel full of ******* he'd come up sucking his thumb.

 

[beta pleated sheet]

There's this one friend of mine, and EVERY conversation we have degrades into a never ending string of "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes.

That, and I once told someone she was about as merciful as a polecat.