I think those who dismiss the complexity of lagering as "just" temperature control are overlooking the effort required in maintaining lower fermentation and long-term storage temperatures. I for one am not in a position to buy a glycol chiller, nor do I want to be adding ice to a cooler full of recirculated water for two-to-four weeks at a time. That's effort, and one of the things that turns people off about homebrewing is the amount of effort it takes to get a beer from grain to bottle/keg.
On OP's existential crisis at hand, I think Wyeast 2112 is about as close to a portal between lagers and ales as we're going to find. Find a combination of grains and hops that you like, then buy it, use it, drink the results and be happy.
Or you can buy the chillers/coolers/pumps/freezers/temperature controllers/carboys/racking canes/siphon pumps/etc. and have at it like the braumeisters* of old (who, ironically, waited for the right weather to chill the caves/cellars to the right temperatures and let nature do all the work for them).
That's the beauty of homebrewing... whether you're a kit assembler, extract explorer, all-grain growler guzzler or a hop monster manufacturer, there's something out there you'll like and can brew with the level of effort you can afford and/or are comfortable expending.
* I use this term generically, not intending to ignore or diminish those of the female persuasion who happen to participate and partake in the craft