Beer jokes

[KNOTSANE]

resurrecting this thread

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a woman at the back of the bar raises her hand. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[prrriiide]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were sitting at a table in a pub having pints when a barfly landed in the Englishman's beer.

"Ugh! How revolting!" he says, and goes to the bar to order another beer.

Awhile later, a barfly lands in the Scot's beer.

"Bah! Blarst it!" he says. Being the thrifty Scotsman, he quickly remove the fly and flicks it away and continues drinking his beer.

After awhile, a barfly lands in the Irishman's pint. The Irishman turns beet red as he looks at the fly in his beer. Reaching in, he grabs the fly by the back end, hold it over the glass, and yells, "Spit it oot ya little thief, spit it oot!"

 

[Strangelove]

A man walks into a piano bar and orders a tall, cool draft. The piano player's monkey saunters down the bar and noisily urinates into the man's beer. Outraged, he stands up and yells at the piano player, "Hey! You know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" "No", replied the piano player, "but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it".


After a pint too many, Joe notices a large glass jug stuffed with 20 dollar bills over the bar.

"Whaz that for?" he slurs to the bartender.

"Joe", the bartender says,"That's a standing bet you want no part of".

"Whad'ya mean by that?", asks Joe, insulted.

"Well", replies the bartender, now amused, "Every man taking the bet puts in a twenty. The first to complete 3 tasks gets the jug. First, see our bouncer, Butch? He's a 3-time MMA heavyweight champ. You gotta take him out front and beat him. Second, out back, we have a 20-foot gator with a bad tooth and a terrible disposition. You have to take the pliers on his cage and pull that bad tooth. Last, but certainly not least, upstairs is one-eyed Mary the worlds oldest whore. She hasn't an orgasm in 50 years. Make her cum and you've won the bet".

Joe growls, "Line me up 5 shots of rotgut".

He downs all 5 shots, puts 20 in the jar, hikes up his britches and heads for the bouncer, blood in his eye. They step outside. There are a series of dull thuds, oofs and a plop. Joe comes back, reeling a bit more and says, "one down".

He staggers through the back door to the gator pen. Patrons hear the sound of screaming and tearing, the sound of a massive tail thrashing and breaking heavy wood planks. Joe reels back into the bar, clothes torn, bleeding from a multitude of scratches and bites. He gathers himself, stands up a little straighter, pulls his ripped and bloody clothes together and asks,

"All right, where's the whore with the bad tooth?"

 

[Clann]

All of these wre funny as hell

 

[BeardtreeBrewing]

Offensive, but funny:

So Jesus Christ walks into a bar. Hands the bartender four nails and asks him if he could put him up for the night.

 

[ajbram]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.....

 

[DisturbdChemist]

A cop was down on his quota so he decided to hide near a bar and get a few people for DWI. As the cop waited, he noticed a man stumbling out of the bar. This man was obviously drunk because he could not keep his balance, falling over multiple times, trying three different vehicles before he found his own and went to sleep. The cop wanted to nab this guy so he waited. After everyone has left the bar, the man woke up and drove off. The cop immediately pulled him over and gave him a breathalizer which read .000. The cop was confused so he asked the guy " i saw you stumbling and drunk." The man replied " I'm the designated distraction for tonight"


here's another one

Man walks into a bar carrying a small box. He sits down at the bar and the bartender asked him what is in the box? The man repied "give me a beer on the house and i'll tell you". The bartender thought about it and thought 'what the heck' and gave the man a beer. After the man finished the beer he pulls out a tiny dude playing a piano. The bartender was confused and ask the man where he got the little piano player. The man repied "give me another beer and i'll tell you". So without thinking the bartender poured him another beer. So the guy brought out a magic lamp and said " This is a magic lamp, give me a beer and its yours". The bartender quickly pours another beer and rubs the lamp. A genie appears and ask what was his wish. The man replied "I want a Million Bucks!". All of the sudden a million ducks fly into the room and the bartender said "what the hell is going on?". The man at the bar replied "I think the genie is deaf because why in the world would i ask for a nine inch Pianist!"

 

[alphaomega]

Hope it's ok to resurrect this thread again...
I just thought of a beer related joke, that is so bad I need to share it with someone.

So, say you want to isolate a pure rock culture. What kind of medium would you use?
How about sam hagar-hagar?

 

[alphaomega]

Ok, so this is probably an old one, but I hadn't heard it before (also a bit nerdy, which I like..) So...
"How do you make beer?"
"Just pour root beer in a square glass."

 

[seatazzz]

Was a bartender for over 20 years....this one is my favorite. No offense to blondes, brunettes, redheads, or ladies (redhead myself).

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar and have a seat on the rail. The handsome young bartender comes over and asks, "What can I get for you fine ladies today?"

The brunette says, "I'll have a WW."

The bartender, trying to appear knowledgeable, walks off racking his brain trying to think of what a "WW" is...asks the other bartender, one of the drunk regulars, no one knows. Resignedly he walks back to the ladies and says, "Okay, you got me. What is a WW?"

The brunette replies haughtily, "White Wine, DUH."

So our bartender gets her wine, then asks the redhead, "What will you have then darling?"

The redhead says, "I'll have an RW."

Our quick-witted bartender thinks for a moment, then s******s and says, "Red Wine?"

The redhead giggles and says, "Of course!" So he gets her wine.

So, he asks the blonde, "And what can I get for you my dear?"

She replies, "I'll have a Fifteen."

This time our hero is totally floored. No one else in the bar knows what a 15 could be. Finally beaten, he goes back to the ladies.

"All right, you got me again. What is in a 15?"

The blonde rolls her eyes.

"Seven and seven, DUH!!!!!"

 

[seatazzz]

Was a bartender for over 20 years....this one is my favorite. No offense to blondes, brunettes, redheads, or ladies (redhead myself).

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar and have a seat on the rail. The handsome young bartender comes over and asks, "What can I get for you fine ladies today?"

The brunette says, "I'll have a WW."

The bartender, trying to appear knowledgeable, walks off racking his brain trying to think of what a "WW" is...asks the other bartender, one of the drunk regulars, no one knows. Resignedly he walks back to the ladies and says, "Okay, you got me. What is a WW?"

The brunette replies haughtily, "White Wine, DUH."

So our bartender gets her wine, then asks the redhead, "What will you have then darling?"

The redhead says, "I'll have an RW."

Our quick-witted bartender thinks for a moment, then snickers and says, "Red Wine?"

The redhead giggles and says, "Of course!" So he gets her wine.

So, he asks the blonde, "And what can I get for you my dear?"

She replies, "I'll have a Fifteen."

This time our hero is totally floored. No one else in the bar knows what a 15 could be. Finally beaten, he goes back to the ladies.

"All right, you got me again. What is in a 15?"

The blonde rolls her eyes.

"Seven and seven, DUH!!!!!"

 

[Dog House Brew]

Offensive, but funny:

So Jesus Christ walks into a bar. Hands the bartender four nails and asks him if he could put him up for the night.

Wrong, just wrong

 

[kiler]

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "we don't serve mushrooms in this establishment!". Mushroom replies "I'm no mushroom, I'm just a fun guy!".