Stupid Joke Thread!

[bracconiere]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.

hopefully he doesn't leave behind a bunch of roaches!

 

[doug293cz]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.

Did isolation start before or after you threw the skunk a party?

Brew on

 

[BongoYodeler]

Well that stinks.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.

This should not be this funny, but I have been laughing intermittently ever since!

I think I’m a little stir crazy!

But it Is a great joke!

 

[soccerdad]

I found out how many bones there are in the human hand ....


A handful !

 

[soccerdad]

Namaske

The mask I wear to protect you salutes the mask you wear to protect me.

 

[bkboiler]

What did the Otorhinolaryngologists say when asked if they wanted to attend the ENT conference?

-Sinus up!

 

[soccerdad]

I developed a deathly fear of elevators.


I'm taking steps to overcome it.

 

[stickyfinger]

A camel walks into a bar and says, "Highballs on me."

 

[soccerdad]

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Corona-virus humor. I'm sure there's a lot of these going around, but I'll add this one:

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
IS THIS YOU, yet?

Day 16: I saw my neighbor talking to her cat, acting like her cat could actually understand English! I immediately told my dog about it, and we laughed and laughed...

 

[GrogNerd]

Anyone else notice?

TV commercial Before Wuhan virus: buy a Toyota!

Now: in these trying times... buy a Toyota!

 

[soccerdad]

Within days of winning the Global Tongue Twister Competition (English language version), Joe Brewski of Ipa, New England was arrested.

He will be given a tough sentence.

 

[soccerdad]

No Stimulus $ yet.

So I called JG Wentworth

Told them it was my money and I want it now.

They said "fark off" and hung up on me.

 

[BongoYodeler]

No Stimulus $ yet.

So I called JG Wentworth

Told them it was my money and I want it now.

They said "fark off" and hung up on me.

LOL!! One of the stupidest commercials on TV. Actually, it makes me laugh at the absurdity of it.

 

[soccerdad]

Flat Earth Society worried about forced social distancing ...


Nobody wants to be pushed over the edge

 

[homebrewer_99]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inchesyou want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

[BongoYodeler]

Pinocchio wanted a pet and decided on a bird, so he went into a pet store to buy one.

"Would you like a parrot?" asked the storekeeper.

"No, they talk too much", said Pinocchio.

"Well then, how about a budgie?" asked the storekeeper.

"No, they're not very interesting", Pinocchio said.

"Alright, how about a woodpecker?" asked the storekeeper.

"No, I already have one of those", replied Pinocchio.

 

[soccerdad]

So the local finally reopened and I stopped in for a pint. They taped red x's on the seats and stools you cannot use and that maintains distance. I ordered a pint of the bitter and it went down pretty fast. The barkeep caught my eye and came over. "Your glass is empty. Would you like another?"

"Why would I want two empty glasses,?" I asked.

 

[bleme]

If anyone wants a laugh, go back and revisit the first couple of threads you started. OMG, I can't believe I was that big of a noob!!!

 

[soccerdad]

Sign of the apocalypse.

It's May the Fourth

Star Wars fans are saying Happy Holiday

 

[day_trippr]

Wait'll tomorrow - when Cinco de Mayo lands on Taco Tuesday - with all the Mexican restaurants closed!
Yikes!

 

[Robert65]

Wait'll tomorrow - when Cinco de Mayo lands on Taco Tuesday - with all the Mexican restaurants closed!
Yikes!

Ah, they'll all be selling lots of takeout and delivery, along with plenty of Corona... wait, that doesn't sound quite right...

 

[Robert65]

Mom always said she was going to slap me into next year.

Wish she was still with us, I'd take her up on that.

 

[soccerdad]

My Uncle Artie told the best jokes. Always about vegetables. Sadly he succumbed to the pandemic.

We will all miss the Artie Jokes.

 

[Abrayton]

Did you hear Covid has been found in semen. Married women with children around the world are safe!

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

Did you hear Covid has been found in semen. Married women with children around the world are safe!

The Navy may have something to say about that!

Just sayin.

 

[soccerdad]

Lots of nostalgia for the 90s with the ESPN documentary The Last Dance.

But I would say this sums up the 90s:

945

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99

 

[bleme]

 

[soccerdad]

Apparently Neil Diamond is selling a really nice car on a-bay.

It under the heading ...

Sweet Car Online

 

[soccerdad]

A brief warning to those of you who buy honey in bulk.

Hives are being stolen all across the country.

Police are setting up a sting operation.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

Since Covid 19 arrived on the scene everyone now knows what a STAYCATION is!

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

I’ve had to explain to my luggage that there will not be a vacation this year.

Now I have to put up with a lot of emotional baggage!

 

[soccerdad]

Stupid enough?

 

[soccerdad]

;-)

 

[soccerdad]

Even the animals are having a tough 2020.
My horse has become negative about everything.
Even special treats and spent grains.

He's a real neighsayer.

 

[CoreyD]

Do you know how to tell the difference between the love of your spouse and the love of your dog?

Lock them both in a trunk. Come back an hour later and the dog is still happy to see you.

 

[BruceH]

What did one eye say to the other?






Something between us smells.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Two guys in a boat fishing and drinking beer...

1 - I'm thinking about divorcing my wife.
2 - Really? Why?
1 - Well, she never talks to me.
2. - If I were you I'd think that one over. A wife like that is hard to find.


Two guys at a bar...

1 - Wadda ya crying about?
2 - My wife just died. She was the love of my life. Now she's a real angel.
1 - Well, I'm genuinely sorry to hear about that. You're lucky...mine's still alive.

 

[BruceH]

Hickory dickory dock,

Three mice ran up a clock,

The clock struck one,

The other two made it down safely.