Stupid Joke Thread!

[Schlenkerla]

This woman was lonely as Thanksgiving was approaching. She didn't want to celebrate alone and fancied a bit of adventure, so she posted an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Looking for man to share Thanksgiving with these qualifications: Won't beat me up, won't run away from me, is great in bed."

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but none of the men who called took her fancy.

Then one day her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, there was a man there with no arms and no legs.

He said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the woman asked, "What makes you think you're great in bed?"

Bob replied, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

 

[Schlenkerla]

What does a stripper eat for Thanksgiving dinner?

Twerky.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Wives are like Thanksgiving turkeys ...

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

 

[Imhoppy]

What do you call a blonde at a golf course? The 19th hole.

 

[khannon]

A duck walks into a pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and says "Got any grapes?"
The pharmacist says "No."
The duck, disappointed, leaves the pharmacy.
The next day the duck walks into the pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and says "Got any grapes?"
The pharmacist again say "No."
The goes on for four more days.
After the sixth day the duck walks into the pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and says "Got any grapes?"
The pharmacist, getting angry, replies "Look, I told you yesterday, I'm telling you today, 'We don't have any grapes, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!.'"
The following day the duck come into the pharmacy, and asks the pharmacist "Got any nails?"
The pharmacist replies "No."
The duck says "Good, got any grapes?"

 

[Br3w4u]

Why was the picture in jail?

*Drum roll*

It was framed!

*Applause*

 

[Tyler B]

Why did the blind guy fall into the well?

He couldn't see that well.

 

[bkboiler]

What kind of pattern are you wearing on your pants no matter what kind of fabric they're made of?



A butt-print

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why was Kermit upset when his car broke down?

Cause his car had to be toad.

 

[Kirkwooder]

How do you make Holy water?


You boil the hell out of tap water.

 

[AkTom]

Why was the cross eyed teacher fired???


Because he couldn’t control his pupils...

 

[AkTom]

Did you hear about the wedding???

Sniff, sniff. It was SO Beautiful!!! Everyone was crying.

Even the cake
Was in tiers.

 

[S-Met]

I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids.




I'm a faux pa.

 

[S-Met]

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

[S-Met]

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

 

[S-Met]

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"

 

[Robert65]

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

Ha! Haven't thought of that in ages, but was one of my all time favorites. I heard it (in England, maybe that accounts for the difference) as:

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "I'll drive, you run the guns."

 

[501irishred]

A few days after xmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listening to her son playing with his new toy planes in the living room. She heard him talking; "all of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is not a through trip, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on , get your asses on the plane, cause were leaving!" The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your planes, but I want you to use nicer language."

Two hours later, her son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his planes. soon the plane stopped the the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the plane, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We tank you for flying with us today and hope that your will fly with us again soon. Those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your carry on items under the seat in front of you. Remember there is no smoking. We hope that you will all have a pleasant and relaxing flight with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two-hour delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

 

[soccerdad]

As if the agricultural community did not have it bad enough .. Now this ..

There once was a farmer named Clyde
He fell in an outhouse and died
And likewise his brother
Who fell in another
And now they're in turd side by side.

 

[GrogNerd]

only place I could find where this is even close to being on-topic. maybe the Dogs thread. I'll leave it here until someone complains

the Howdy, last night, right after we got into bed for the night: Arooo! Arooo!
(translation: I gotta pee, Daddy!)

Me: you were JUST OUT! Ok, Google, Grog's light on. (muttering) What the fu**, dog?

Google (after turning on the light):

https://books.google.com/books/abou...9gl9QSDSv9ealsRkbnd0jig8lO3ZStugZEPOWVObCMI_g

 

[bkboiler]

That's hilarious...and also why I make sure my phone requires my unlock for Google to do absolutely anything since I have 3 small ones at home...who routinely yell at Alexa to play their favorite show whenever we leave the room.

Our WiFi is hotspotted from our phones, so the Internet is only "on" when we expressly activate it...#winning

JOKE:
My son asked me why I was whispering so quietly.

I told him I thought the NSA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.

 

[GrogNerd]

it's only the Howdy, the BigHair and me, so no need to lock the internet.

I just gotta be more careful using multiple commands

also, Google actually started reciting that synopsis: "Once upon a time there was a **bleep* dog named Poona..."

 

[homebrewer_99]

I lost my job. Well I didn’t lose it, I know where it is, there’s just some other guy doing it now.

blah blah blah

I lost my girlfriend. Well I did not really lose her.

-Bobcat Goldthwait

Those lines are from George Carlin's "Apartment 2C". I remember seeing it when it was on TV in the 80s.

 

[ba-brewer]

Those lines are from George Carlin's "Apartment 2C". I remember seeing it when it was on TV in the 80s.

I had not seen that show, I think I seen it on a HBO special or something, but when I looked on IMDB I see Bobcat Goldthwait was on the show so maybe that is where it started.

 

[Snuffy]

An old lady at the ATM asked me if I’d help her check her balance.
So I pushed her.

 

[Snuffy]

I asked my internet friend in N. Korea how it was goin.
He said, “I can’t complain”.

 

[Snuffy]

Yo momma is so fat, when she buys sexy underwear, she has to get the ABCDEFG-string.

 

[S-Met]

Yo momma is so fat, when she buys sexy underwear, she has to get the ABCDEFG-string.

You be talkin 'bout my mama...

Yo mamma so fat, she fell in love... and broke it!

 

[Schlenkerla]

You be talkin 'bout my mama...

Yo mamma so fat, she fell in love... and broke it!

Yo mamma is so fat when she hauls ass she has to make two trips.

 

[jcav]

I remember this one when I was a kid: Your so ugly you have to sneak up on your breakfast!

 

[soccerdad]

Woman calls 911:
"Help please. I was cleaning my gun and I shot my husband. He's dead."
"Ma'am, we are sending someone immediately, but I want you to be certain he's dead."
BANG! "Okay, now what?"

 

[S-Met]

Yo mamma so ugly... when she cries, the tears roll down the back of her head so they don't have to see her face.

 

[soccerdad]

i got fired from my job making calendars.

I took a day off.

 

[Snuffy]

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.

 

[AkTom]

I was washing my car with my son.
He said, “can’t you use a sponge?”

 

[AkTom]

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb???

2.
1 to change the bulb and 1 to give it an unexpected twist at the end...

 

[catdaddy66]

1) How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light has to really want to change

2) How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None... "I'll just sit here in the dark!"

3) How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but they have to be really tiny

 

[homebrewer_99]

My best all around YO MAMA joke is...

YO MAMA so fat...that when she gets on the dance floor...THE BAND SKIPS! LOL!


A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump next to a tree.

The bear looks over to the bunny and asks "Do you ever have problems with **** sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "No, why do you ask?"

The bear picked up the bunny and wiped his butt.

 

[Schlenkerla]

My best all around YO MAMA joke is...

YO MAMA so fat...that when she gets on the dance floor...THE BAND SKIPS! LOL!


A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump next to a tree.

The bear looks over to the bunny and asks "Do you ever have problems with **** sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "No, why do you ask?"

The bear picked up the bunny and wiped his butt.

Most millennials won't get that to mama joke cause they never saw a record much less a record player skip.

 

[Robert65]

Most millennials won't get that to mama joke cause they never saw a record much less a record player skip.

I thought all the hipsters were into vinyl now. But they probably think it's a new invention.