I need a sanity check....Long Story About the Wife

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m00ps said:
Cut to @TheCADJockey - character witness
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hunter_la5 said:
Any man who's enough of an ******* to sleep with/attempt to sleep with another man's wife deserves whatever that other man decides to do to him in response.
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A hard dick has no conscience but it takes two.
Better beat her ass too...(I am not advocating beating a woman. Only making a point)
 
hunter_la5 said:
Any man who's enough of an ******* to sleep with/attempt to sleep with another man's wife deserves whatever that other man decides to do to him in response.
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Yup. That's a no go zone, even for me, and I'm a total *******.
Homercidal said:
To a normal, sober person, this may be true. Drunken people have a much lower potential to distinguish between right, wrong, and anything in between.

That's why drunk people are not allowed to drive, and they aren't beholden to some forms of contract.

I'm not saying it's a valid excuse, but IMO it should be taken into consideration in discussion. I'm sure a lot of us, otherwise responsible people have done some irresponsible acts while intoxicated.

Did I ever relate the story of the guy at a party who tried to impress the kids by showing them how you can get an empty beer bottle to stick to the wall with static cling? A sober person would know that empty beer bottles aren't quite the same thing as a balloon.
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Bwahaha. That's some funny right there.
CGVT said:
A hard dick has no conscience but it takes two.
Better beat her ass too...(I am not advocating beating a woman. Only making a point)
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Must be ok in AL....
 
hunter_la5 said:
Any man who's enough of an ******* to sleep with/attempt to sleep with another man's wife deserves whatever that other man decides to do to him in response.
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I fault no man for being attracted to my wife. I take it as complimentary.

Until he is told to back off but continues to make advances. That man gets his ass beat.

But if a man does this and then she flirts with him ... bless her.
 
hunter_la5 said:
Any man who's enough of an ******* to sleep with/attempt to sleep with another man's wife deserves whatever that other man decides to do to him in response.
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I don't see how violence would be a viable answer in this (or most any) situation. As someone else said, it takes two to tango. The d*ck is already out of the proverbial pants, as it were.

Second, how the hell should that other guy know what sort of agreement one person has with another person? Are they supposed to check for a marriage licence at the town clerk before making a move?

Seriously, the naivete on this particular issue is stunning.
 
broadbill said:
I don't see how violence would be a viable answer in this (or most any) situation. As someone else said, it takes two to tango. The d*ck is already out of the proverbial pants, as it were.

Second, how the hell should that other guy know what sort of agreement one person has with another person? Are they supposed to check for a marriage licence at the town clerk before making a move?

Seriously, the naivete on this particular issue is stunning.
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So, you're pretty sure you can beat up her husband? That what you're saying about your GF?
 
GilaMinumBeer said:
Maybe I missed it, but I did not read into the first post that a hand went to any hoo-hah. My assumption was her ass. Not that it is any more tolerable. But also not uncommon for some drunk ******* to grab some drunk chicks ass.

Vagarities about pictures women send (sounds like maybe she sent him something), flirtations about vegetarianism timing, and talking about the size of his kitten are unnacceptable. Period.
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He wrote, " managed to get his hand in her pants at a bar one night." So I thought that meant hand in her pants...like inside...all up in that junk. ;)
 
GilaMinumBeer said:
Troo. But also depends on whether or not it happened before or after the other stuff. Hard to fault a guy for making that move if he's been sent photos, talked about BJ's, and the size of his kitten with her.
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Hand in pants guy was a different guy from a year before. There's a pattern here, which has, and likely will continue to, repeat itself.
 
GilaMinumBeer said:
Troo. But also depends on whether or not it happened before or after the other stuff. Hard to fault a guy for making that move if he's been sent photos, talked about BJ's, and the size of his kitten with her.
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It was a different guy....


KCBrewer said:
Hand in pants guy was a different guy from a year before. There's a pattern here, which has, and likely will continue to, repeat itself.
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This.
 
KCBrewer said:
Hand in pants guy was a different guy from a year before. There's a pattern here, which has, and likely will continue to, repeat itself.
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Yup.

And then you'll find her craigslist ad, and then take her back again.

Oh wait, that was me.

Happily divorced now.

RUN!
 
broadbill said:
I don't see how violence would be a viable answer in this (or most any) situation. As someone else said, it takes two to tango. The d*ck is already out of the proverbial pants, as it were.

Second, how the hell should that other guy know what sort of agreement one person has with another person? Are they supposed to check for a marriage licence at the town clerk before making a move?

Seriously, the naivete on this particular issue is stunning.
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Well, if she's wearing a ring, seems best to err on the side of caution...but then, I'm a big fan of not getting shot/stabbed/my ass beat.

If she was in an open marriage and DTF, she would most likely make that known up-front.
 
Hello said:
He wrote, " managed to get his hand in her pants at a bar one night." So I thought that meant hand in her pants...like inside...all up in that junk. ;)
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Yeah, I saw it too. But took it to mean her ass. It's pretty vague regardless but not any more acceptable one way or the other.

UNLESS

She sent him tits-n-kittens photos, talked about giving BJ's, etc... first.
 
GilaMinumBeer said:
Yeah, I saw it too. But took it to mean her ass. It's pretty vague regardless but not any more acceptable one way or the other.

UNLESS

She sent him tits-n-kittens photos, talked about giving BJ's, etc... first.
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Yeah, I guess we'd need to see the pics she sent to properly judge.

:D
 
broadbill said:
I don't see how violence would be a viable answer in this (or most any) situation. As someone else said, it takes two to tango. The d*ck is already out of the proverbial pants, as it were.

Second, how the hell should that other guy know what sort of agreement one person has with another person? Are they supposed to check for a marriage licence at the town clerk before making a move?

Seriously, the naivete on this particular issue is stunning.
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Never said violence was a solution to the problem, only that he deserves whatever comes of it. Like you said, it takes two to tango. Acting like the cheating wife is the only responsible party is absurd. You don't bless another man's wife. That's a given in life. There's consequences.

If I walked up to you and your wife at a bar and started trying to get her to go home with me by saying sexually suggestive things to her, is your response:
A) Get angry with me, or
B) Wait and see what your wife's response is

Obviously things are different if the third party doesn't realize the woman is married. Duh. That's not what we're talking about here.
 
hunter_la5 said:
Never said violence was a solution to the problem, only that he deserves whatever comes of it. Like you said, it takes two to tango. Acting like the cheating wife is the only responsible party is absurd. You don't bless another man's wife. That's a given in life. There's consequences.

If I walked up to you and your wife at a bar and started trying to get her to go home with me by saying sexually suggestive things to her, is your response:
A) Get angry with me, or
B) Wait and see what your wife's response is

Obviosuly things are different if the third party doesn't realize the woman is married. Duh. That's not what we're talking about here.
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I think the point is that sometimes women hide it... Been there. Men aren't very smart when they're looking for sex.

Wanting to act out in violence is natural - but only ends up with more pain for you when there are criminal consequences for those actions.
 
hunter_la5 said:
Never said violence was a solution to the problem, only that he deserves whatever comes of it. Like you said, it takes two to tango. Acting like the cheating wife is the only responsible party is absurd. You don't bless another man's wife. That's a given in life. There's consequences.

If I walked up to you and your wife at a bar and started trying to get her to go home with me by saying sexually suggestive things to her, is your response:
A) Get angry with me, or
B) Wait and see what your wife's response is

Obviously things are different if the third party doesn't realize the woman is married. Duh. That's not what we're talking about here.
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I'd just tell you to move on, that she is with me.

UNLESS

She sent you .... :p
 
If there's a pattern, you know where this is going and has continued to go sadly. I'm sorry you're going through this and the lying honestly I would say only makes it worse.

I got transferred with advances from a co-worker to a different office because it was deemed "innocent" as in getting brushed up against between storage area rows that are narrow and stuff like that. But hands in pants and other stuff like that is beyond. Irony is that I was almost brought up on assault charges for decking him and that ultimately got me transferred because I threatened to sue and knew there were security cameras so threatening to get a lawyer to subpoena the tapes saved my job and he got written up.

She knows she's been caught so I expect the minimizing and covering behaviors are from that. Was it wrong to go through texts, yes, privacy and all but honestly you were trying to do something nice for her and this bs came to light. My husband would not have been as calm and collected, I got a smashed phone when same co-worker was sending flirty texts before I explained what was going on and showed I had said if he needed me to cover a shift it was fine to text me but anything past that to not bother me.

I agree with telling her how it makes you feel and that the disrespect since it's continued after the other person with the pants thing, and that it's honestly not ok. You're not insane, gut is on point.

Sorry this has been going on, hopeful for a resolution that goes gently whatever you do decide. I would separate monies though to ensure you're protected but that's just me. Have seen so many people get screwed over by the "other half" taking full control of all money.... was never pretty
 
This is a terrible thing.. and I don't have any advice to offer anyone but it strikes me that you need to decide what it is that you really want. Everyone here is ready to tell you that you need to dump her.. but I think that you need to ask yourself what it is that you want. Is it that at the bottom of everything you want to punish her for her behavior or is it that you want to know if she is committed to your marriage and to you.

If the latter is what you want - that she is committed to you - then you might also want to know how committed she feels YOU are in this relationship - how she FEELS you are committed. If she feels that you are not giving her what she wants/needs but you think /know you are, then what is it that she is looking for from you that she is getting from others? So that is a conversation and not a tongue lashing. If you have no interest in saving your marriage then that is another story and you know how you feel about your wife... but if you want to try to save your marriage then you can tell her that her actions hurt you perhaps humiliate you and that if she is committed to you and she thinks that you are a good partner and a good husband and a good lover then she needs to know that her flirting hurts you. If she is looking from you for something that she is not getting then you need to ask her what it is she wants... and you need to decide if you can give her that or how you can give her that. If she is not looking for you to meet her needs then she has already dumped you...
 
The hand in the pants was butt, as explained to me. Although at this point it should be noted, that all my info on that is from her directly. She told me it happened and that she tried to stop it. Though her attempts to stop it sounded like they were half hearted at best. I appreciate all the input and will take some of it into consideration moving forward, but will likely stay out of the conversation moving forward. I don't really want to add any more fuel to this thing here and need to stop worrying about what you all say and start applying it to moving toward some sort of resolution with her, be it good or bad.
 
JeepGuy said:
The hand in the pants was butt, as explained to me. Although at this point it should be noted, that all my info on that is from her directly. She told me it happened and that she tried to stop it. Though her attempts to stop it sounded like they were half hearted at best. I appreciate all the input and will take some of it into consideration moving forward, but will likely stay out of the conversation moving forward. I don't really want to add any more fuel to this thing here and need to stop worrying about what you all say and start applying it to moving toward some sort of resolution with her, be it good or bad.
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Best of luck to you. Whatever you decide.

I am fairly certain we'll continue to make definite assertions based on vague conclusions until you decide to come back with an update. ;)
 
This will sound like its bull, but hear me out. Go to www.marriedmansexlife.com. Download Athol Kay's book and read it. I had a similar situation a few years ago and this book helped me to make the changes I needed to make. It may not fix your current relationship but it will make you ready for the next one. This book was a HUGE help for my marriage. (Despite the name, its not about sex.....its about how to be the man she needs so she wont think about straying)
 
Good Luck JeepGuy, sincerely.
Don't be goaded into doing anything illegal or dangerous. (Retired cop talking, I've given this advice many times)
Do try to get solid, first hand information. (Okay, that advice comes from being a boyfriend that was played and manipulated. Now happily married to Someone Else)
Whatever happens, it's up to you to find what you need in life.
 
Doctor_M said:
Time to start moving monies to a secure place that she doesn't know about. I suggest a deep hole in the woods until the divorce is over.
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Hiding marital assets can/will be worse when her attorney digs it up. And they will. My brother tried the same thing, trust me they can find it.
 
JoshuaW said:
Im going to say some things different than what others have.

You can mend a broken relationship, and it can work. The key is making sure that you actually resolve ALL of the problems, not just one of them. The issue isnt just her (probably) cheating. She is (probably) stepping out for a reason. If you both want to be together, there is nothing that says you cant, but you should respect yourself enough to make sure you are comfortable with that outcome. If you cant see yourself fixing it, then call a divorce lawyer now, dont draw it out for the drama. If you cant fix it, you dont need answers, you dont need her side of the story, you just need out. That is okay.

Now if you do want to fix it, you need to actually fix it. You need to be upfront with her. Ask if she still wants to be married to you. You can ask if she cheated or not, it really doesnt matter. Accept whatever she tells you and believe it. If you are committing to this, then that is the only truth that matters. Talk about your relationship, ask what you can do to make it stronger. If you can stomach counseling, go for it. Make your expectations of the relationship known. If you want complete honesty, tell her that is what you require. If you want her to do what she wants to do, and you just dont want to know about it, that is fine too. Dont let people sway you, this is your relationship and if you can live with it, then it is a good solution. On the same hand, ask what she needs. Basically rewrite or at least review the rule book for your relationship, and establish clear lines of communication. She needs to know that you would rather have her tell you to your face "Im unhappy, and we need to fix this" than her step out. Or, if it comes to this, she should know that it is okay to say that she wants to end it.

If you can establish ground rules, and get past the original issue, you can definitely make it work. I went through a similar thing, and this is exactly what we did. Seven years later, and we are still together and very happy. Our relationship is built on trust and absolute honesty now, which is more than it ever was before.

Only the two of you can make the decision, and it is your decision to make. Getting advice from friends, family, and the internet is great, but at the end the day you have to live with it. Do whatever will make you happy.
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Agreed.

If it's over for you 100% now or based on what you learn, then it's over. Accept it, and begin the healing process. And yes, children make this a whole different ballgame.

If you do want to TRY to make it work, then give it absolutely everything you possibly can summon. You'll 99.9% never regret trying your best to make it work, even if it fails. If you haven't already, be prepared to ask yourself some really tough questions about your contributions to any communications and/or relationship breakdown. This certainly doesn't make what she did or might have done excusable in the least, but it may shed light on what could have led to her being inappropriate, or not being strong enough to say to him that something is inappropriate and unwanted, or weak. If she needs attention or to be heard or affection and she's not getting it from you, she may not be strong/emotionally developed enough to deal with it in the way that she should have from the beginning: talking with you about it and how to work together to meet the needs each of you have.

Wherever possible, listen and talk with compassion. That doesn't mean that you have to accept anything she's done as right, and depending on what might have happened, you should say it's wrong or wrong for you as a team if that's what you feel. But it does mean accepting that it happened, period.

No matter what happens from here, holding on to the negative energy is only going to eat you up inside. If you split up now or if you consider staying together, try your best to find inner peace.
 
JeepGuy said:
I'm not trolling. This thing has taken on a life of it's own and I don't think I could troll this well if I had tried. There's really not much for her to lose if she just up and left. She actually brings in most of the income in the house. As far as explaining specific parts of the texts when I mention them, she just says that it's just a joke. She says that she only flirts with people that she sees as harmless and wouldn't actually act on it. I've got no hard evidence that anything actually happened between them and no hard evidence has been given to me that says nothing did. All I've got to go on is her word saying that she didn't. Outside of this, our marriage has been solid.

Also, as I look back on the texts, the really slimy stuff is initiated by him. Her flirting along with it doesn't sit well with me, but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.
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Her flirting with ANYONE but her husband is disrespectful to you.
 
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