I need a sanity check....Long Story About the Wife

[drainbamage]

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. If the marriage is otherwise in good shape and you don't have firm evidence, I would be open to a convincing explanation. I could imagine in a corporate environment sexual harassment is often accepted. She could be under pressure to put up with lewd advances and such to keep her job. Could that be what is going on here? From what I can see, the incriminating texts are more on "Steve"'s side than hers. This does not seem to be about her trying to sabotage the marriage, otherwise your talk would have been her opportunity to end it.

I don't know, if the guy is sending her overtly sexual texts, there's a big difference between "I'm just going to put up with it to keep my job" (which she shouldn't have to do under any circumstances) and responding/playing along/encouraging the behavior.

 

[griffi]

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. If the marriage is otherwise in good shape and you don't have firm evidence, I would be open to a convincing explanation. I could imagine in a corporate environment sexual harassment is often accepted. She could be under pressure to put up with lewd advances and such to keep her job. Could that be what is going on here? From what I can see, the incriminating texts are more on "Steve"'s side than hers. This does not seem to be about her trying to sabotage the marriage, otherwise your talk would have been her opportunity to end it. May I ask, if kids are not involved, does she have a financial or other motive to stay in the marriage?

Aristotelian, I disagree with your logic, haha...

Sexual harassment was the lame excuse she gave when she allowed the other guy to finger bang her in a bar. It was not sexual harassment when she 1) sent him a naughty pic or 2) gave him head. This is how I read those messages.

 

[TXCrash]

Fahk fixing it. The ***** is cheating, cut her loose.

My ex (married 10 years) was cheating. I suspected it long before catching her, eventually found her trail. I did much as you and lied to myself, telling myself it was ok.

Cut her loose and move on. There's no one sided to this - you found flirty texts and she let another guy in her pants... that's what you know about. There's more you don't know about.

Get a good lawyer, don't play nice. Cut her effing heart out. Playing nice will cost you time and money - again, what I did...

 

[CGVT]

Fahk fixing it. The ***** is cheating, cut her loose.

My ex (married 10 years) was cheating. I suspected it long before catching her, eventually found her trail. I did much as you and lied to myself, telling myself it was ok.

Cut her loose and move on. There's no one sided to this - you found flirty texts and she let another guy in her pants... that's what you know about. There's more you don't know about.

Get a good lawyer, don't play nice. Cut her effing heart out. Playing nice will cost you time and money - again, what I did...

This^^^


OP knows what's up, he just doesn't really want to face it.

Life is too short to deal with this kind of crap.

There is no good end to this other than a clean break

 

[Mackster]

My 2 cents. People are going to be be who they want to be. I am not sure if talking about the problem of her sneaking around will change her character. From my experience the evidence you get to see is the tip of an iceberg. She may be letting it show through so she can have an easy way out of the marriage, making you end it instead of her bring up the idea. Either way, you should probably start finding a way to move around/hide joint assets. $200 dollars from an ATM into a shoe box frequently. Sell your brother your Jeep.

 

[Pkrd]

One thing we can all agree on... If she is out drinking at night you need to improve your brewing. Maybe a new brew rig will save your relationship! You'll never find a better excuse to upgrade.

 

[Aristotelian]

I don't know, if the guy is sending her overtly sexual texts, there's a big difference between "I'm just going to put up with it to keep my job" (which she shouldn't have to do under any circumstances) and responding/playing along/encouraging the behavior.

I don't get what the vegetarian thing shows, and we don't know the content of the picture. People get sore throats while traveling for all sorts of reasons other than giving out BJs.

If she is cheating, I don't get why she would deny it and try to stay in the relationship when confronted. Usually cheating is a symptom of a marriage that is already in trouble and an excuse to get out of it, but OP says that is not the case.

However, if she isn't cheating, I don't get why she would lie about who Steve is. That is the most incriminating thing, in my opinion. Maybe she doesn't want to worry her husband? She is ashamed of putting up with lewd behavior?

Another possibility is that we are getting trolled and that is why this whole thing makes no sense.

 

[tim_c7]

One thing we can all agree on... If she is out drinking at night you need to improve your brewing. Maybe a new brew rig will save your relationship! You'll never find a better excuse to upgrade.

Totally agreed. I also think this is one of those times where racking to a secondary is necessary.

 

[drainbamage]

I don't get what the vegetarian thing shows, and we don't know the content of the picture. People get sore throats while traveling for all sorts of reasons other than giving out BJs.

Yeah, the sore throat does not really prove anything. The vegetarian thing? Yeah, maybe she got drunk and decided she really craved a cheeseburger at 4am. It's plausible, but there are also a lot of dirtier connotations that can taken from the limited context. The "keeper" pic? Sure, could be a funny meme.

The guy talking about being [certain race] from the waist down? How is that not overtly sexual? Does he have extensive skin grafts over the lower half of his body and felt like sharing the news with a friend?

If she is cheating, I don't get why she would deny it and try to stay in the relationship when confronted. Usually cheating is a symptom of a marriage that is already in trouble and an excuse to get out of it, but OP says that is not the case.

Kids, money, wanting the excitement of secretly sleeping around while maintaining the status quo at home.

Another possibility is that we are getting trolled and that is why this whole thing makes no sense.

Also plausible, but it only seems like trolling if OP is getting everyone all up in arms and fighting over it, which isn't happening.

 

[broadbill]

I don't get what the vegetarian thing shows, and we don't know the content of the picture. People get sore throats while traveling for all sorts of reasons other than giving out BJs.

If she is cheating, I don't get why she would deny it and try to stay in the relationship when confronted. Usually cheating is a symptom of a marriage that is already in trouble and an excuse to get out of it, but OP says that is not the case.

However, if she isn't cheating, I don't get why she would lie about who Steve is. That is the most incriminating thing, in my opinion. Maybe she doesn't want to worry her husband? She is ashamed of putting up with lewd behavior?

Another possibility is that we are getting trolled and that is why this whole thing makes no sense.

She may deny cheating when confronted because she has financial trouble or cannot make it financially without his money.

Call me a cynic, but if 99% of a divorce is about the money, than it stands to reason that a large share of the marriage is as well.

 

[Newsman]

OP, I have to say, I agree... it DEFINITELY sounds like she's getting some on the side, at least on business trips, and doesn't want to ruin a good thing with having you there to support her financially, etc when she's home.

 

[mcspanner]

I don't get what the vegetarian thing shows, and we don't know the content of the picture. People get sore throats while traveling for all sorts of reasons other than giving out BJs.



If she is cheating, I don't get why she would deny it and try to stay in the relationship when confronted. Usually cheating is a symptom of a marriage that is already in trouble and an excuse to get out of it, but OP says that is not the case.



However, if she isn't cheating, I don't get why she would lie about who Steve is. That is the most incriminating thing, in my opinion. Maybe she doesn't want to worry her husband? She is ashamed of putting up with lewd behavior?



Another possibility is that we are getting trolled and that is why this whole thing makes no sense.

Why lie to cover it up? Ever hear of wanting to have your cake AND eat it? Many people might get caught up in scratching an itch but don't want to change their lives. There could be a plethora of reasons to want to lie- financial advantage of staying with someone with a solid income, children, peer pressure and reputation with family or maybe even just fear that the affair will be listed in the divorce and all that can mean. And some people just don't do monogamous relationships well, enjoying the thrill of the chase and dalliance whilst still wanting the security of their vanilla relationship.

Given the context of the other messages I'd be inclined to interpret the"are you still a veggie after this morning" as a pretty unsophisticated double entendre rather than an "OMG I can't believe you ate a burger" kind of comment. Just my opinion though and that's why I asked what kind of response she'd offered to explain those comments. Would be happy to be wrong on this one [emoji481]

 

[CGVT]

There is a lot of naivete showing itself in this thread.

 

[JeepGuy]

I'm not trolling. This thing has taken on a life of it's own and I don't think I could troll this well if I had tried. There's really not much for her to lose if she just up and left. She actually brings in most of the income in the house. As far as explaining specific parts of the texts when I mention them, she just says that it's just a joke. She says that she only flirts with people that she sees as harmless and wouldn't actually act on it. I've got no hard evidence that anything actually happened between them and no hard evidence has been given to me that says nothing did. All I've got to go on is her word saying that she didn't. Outside of this, our marriage has been solid.

Also, as I look back on the texts, the really slimy stuff is initiated by him. Her flirting along with it doesn't sit well with me, but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.

 

[kombat]

Important question: Kids or no?

 

[broadbill]

I'm not trolling. This thing has taken on a life of it's own and I don't think I could troll this well if I had tried. There's really not much for her to lose if she just up and left. She actually brings in most of the income in the house. As far as explaining specific parts of the texts when I mention them, she just says that it's just a joke. She says that she only flirts with people that she sees as harmless and wouldn't actually act on it. I've got no hard evidence that anything actually happened between them and no hard evidence has been given to me that says nothing did. All I've got to go on is her word saying that she didn't. Outside of this, our marriage has been solid.

Also, as I look back on the texts, the really slimy stuff is initiated by him. Her flirting along with it doesn't sit well with me, but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.

She sees it as harmless, but you obviously don't or you wouldn't have posted it here. You both seem to have different ideas of monogamy and you two need figure out where you marriage fits in that. For some couples this is no biggie; some couples have open marriages where some side-line stuff is allowed. The problem is when each person in the relationship has a different opinion of what the relationship should be.

 

[TxBigHops]

Whether she has actually cheated or not, YOU have to decide if her known behavior is acceptable or not. To me, it's completely unacceptable in a permanent relationship. If you agree, and she doesn't, then you have an unresolveable problem.

 

[Braumeise]

I'm not trolling. This thing has taken on a life of it's own and I don't think I could troll this well if I had tried. There's really not much for her to lose if she just up and left. She actually brings in most of the income in the house. As far as explaining specific parts of the texts when I mention them, she just says that it's just a joke. She says that she only flirts with people that she sees as harmless and wouldn't actually act on it. I've got no hard evidence that anything actually happened between them and no hard evidence has been given to me that says nothing did. All I've got to go on is her word saying that she didn't. Outside of this, our marriage has been solid.

Also, as I look back on the texts, the really slimy stuff is initiated by him. Her flirting along with it doesn't sit well with me, but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.

let me put it this way: if I was your wife and this had happened to me, you'd be the first person BEFORE my BFF from 5th grade on TO KNOW that this is happening and I would want your advice on how to act on it... and so on...

you would NOT find this when taking my phone to the repair shop. You can read all of my mails, my facebook my messaging etc. I don't care because I do not engage in things like that if I am in a relationship.

maybe I am different, maybe I am a lost case... hopeless romantic... but in my world what she is doing is not okay. And there is no excuse for not telling you in the first place if there is nothing "to hide", is there?

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

... but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.

To wit, as a married woman, SHE needs to assert herself that a line has been crossed before it gets to a scenario where a hand goes down any pants. Flirting is not how that gets done.

 

[Stillraining]

"IF" that's true, or that's what you want to be true, there is one way to find out....Find the JO and send him a stern message telling him to lay off.... If he doesn't listen find him again and beat the crap out of him . Your taking this all to nicey nicey laying down..where is your pride? Maybe there in lies the underling problem? I was totally in the dark about my ex's thing..had I known like you do this is exactly what I would have done.
Just saying this and talking to you as a real blood brother of mine would. I think you will find out its not the case....sorry, just my gut feeling.

You haven't answered the kid question asked multiple times so were going to assume there insist any...this makes it a lot more cut and dried to most of us.

Its your relationship..you handle it like you want but you posted here for a reason I think.

Relationships are like beer ...there is a right and wrong recipe for success....shes not choosing the right one.

 

[broadbill]

"IF" that's true, or that's what you want to be true, there is one way to find out....Find the JO and send him a stern message telling him to lay off.... If he doesn't listen find him again and beat the crap out of him . Your taking this all to nicey nicey laying down..where is your pride? Maybe there in lies the underling problem? I was totally in the dark about my ex's thing..had I known like you do this is exactly what I would have done.
Just saying this and talking to you as a real blood brother of mine would. I think you will find out its not the case....sorry, just my gut feeling.

You haven't answered the kid question asked multiple times so were going to assume there insist any...this makes it a lot more cut and dried to most of us.

really, beat the crap out of the guy? The guy here is largely inconsequential. If she is allowing this behavior then if it wasn't this guy it would be another guy (or girl). He didn't lure the poor, innocent wifey into a web of deceit with his rugged good looks and his Thunderbird. She can either tell him to shut it down or she can give him the idea that his behavior is OK.

 

[Stillraining]

really, beat the crap out of the guy? The guy here is largely inconsequential. If she is allowing this behavior then if it wasn't this guy it would be another guy (or girl). He didn't lure the poor, innocent wifey into a web of deceit with his rugged good looks and his Thunderbird. She can either tell him to shut it down or she can give him the idea that his behavior is OK.

I have zero tolerance of predators of married women ...YMMV .... Mess with my wife you get the horn.

ETA...After my ex cheated and I was free to look around..I refused a few passes from marred women...I expect the same out of every man...sorry dude... just my moral code.
I will also add I told these same women what happened to me and told them to go home...I had no respect for them either.

 

[CGVT]

Dude. She's screwing around. You know it. The thought crosses your mind every time she does something a little different in bed. "Where did she learn that?". Every time she has an excuse as to why she didn't answer the phone or couldn't talk. Every time she came home well after you expected her...

 

[drainbamage]

To wit, as a married woman, SHE needs to assert herself that a line has been crossed before it gets to a scenario where a hand goes down any pants. Flirting is not how that gets done.

Bingo. If she feels she has to pretend to like unwanted advances for the sake of keeping her job, she doesn't need to be working there in the first place.

 

[mongoose33]

"IF" that's true, or that's what you want to be true, there is one way to find out....Find the JO and send him a stern message telling him to lay off.... If he doesn't listen find him again and beat the crap out of him . Your taking this all to nicey nicey laying down..where is your pride? Maybe there in lies the underling problem? I was totally in the dark about my ex's thing..had I known like you do this is exactly what I would have done.
Just saying this and talking to you as a real blood brother of mine would. I think you will find out its not the case....sorry, just my gut feeling.

You haven't answered the kid question asked multiple times so were going to assume there insist any...this makes it a lot more cut and dried to most of us.

Its your relationship..you handle it like you want but you posted here for a reason I think.

Relationships are like beer ...there is a right and wrong recipe for success....shes not choosing the right one.

Interesting....the fact that the question remains unanswered suggests to me that there ARE kids.

As to all the rest--if ANYONE stuck their hand down my wife's pants, fondled her or any other thing--I'd be all over the jerk that did it. That is, after I asked my wife what on earth she was doing.

The guy is a willing accomplice in what appears to be an attempt to destroy a relationship. The wife may be willing as well, but any guy who takes liberties with a woman in a relationship is a....well, I don't want to use the words.

I think the answer is simple: she stops this stuff as it's having a very bad effect on the marriage, she apologizes profusely, she promises never to lead anyone on again, and you move forward perhaps with some counseling.

Any time one member of a relationship does things that brings the other pain, refuses to either recognize or stop it, is saying that it is no longer a relationship. That in itself is all the reason needed to end it.

My 2 cents.

 

[TXCrash]

Enjoy the clap she brings home.

You're in denial. She's lying to keep the status quo. Cheaters do that.

If there's no kids, divorce won't cost so much. Hide your chit, get your finances in order, and move on.

Or don't. It's great knowing she's fecking someone else.

 

[slym2none]

It sounds like JG has possession of that phone still. If so, good job.

Now, JG, can you afford to hire a PI? Even for just one weekend, or however long her next business trip is?

Can you afford not to hire one?

 

[tim_c7]

I'm not trolling. This thing has taken on a life of it's own and I don't think I could troll this well if I had tried. There's really not much for her to lose if she just up and left. She actually brings in most of the income in the house. As far as explaining specific parts of the texts when I mention them, she just says that it's just a joke. She says that she only flirts with people that she sees as harmless and wouldn't actually act on it. I've got no hard evidence that anything actually happened between them and no hard evidence has been given to me that says nothing did. All I've got to go on is her word saying that she didn't. Outside of this, our marriage has been solid.

Also, as I look back on the texts, the really slimy stuff is initiated by him. Her flirting along with it doesn't sit well with me, but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.

Sorry JeepGuy,

You are not being honest with yourself. The behavior she is displaying is not ok with you! Her actions are immature, disrespectful, and seemingly dishonest. Forget what "might" have happened and focus on the things that did happen that you don't like. Tell her how it really makes you feel. Tell her to explain how she would feel if the roles were switched. It is ok to not like what she is doing.

Respect yourself and demand that she give you the same respect.

 

[Hello]

I'm not trolling. This thing has taken on a life of it's own and I don't think I could troll this well if I had tried. There's really not much for her to lose if she just up and left. She actually brings in most of the income in the house. As far as explaining specific parts of the texts when I mention them, she just says that it's just a joke. She says that she only flirts with people that she sees as harmless and wouldn't actually act on it. I've got no hard evidence that anything actually happened between them and no hard evidence has been given to me that says nothing did. All I've got to go on is her word saying that she didn't. Outside of this, our marriage has been solid.

Also, as I look back on the texts, the really slimy stuff is initiated by him. Her flirting along with it doesn't sit well with me, but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.

To me, it sounds as though you've backed down just a bit. That is fine; however, back down because you feel you've really blown it out of proportion and not because you're not getting anywhere with her while talking to her.

All I know is that there is flirting for a moment or this continual flirting that she seems to think is okay. If she wants to portray herself as someone who is disrespectful to her husband and basically thinks that this is how she needs to be in life, then fine. Who am I to judge? All I do know is that her so-called harmless flirting resulted in a hand up her hoo-hah and if you don't think that's where this dude's hand went then you're silly. No man sticks his hands down a woman's pants just to feel the soft material of her underwear.

After that incident alone, that would be the end for me. Trust is broken and I don't feel as though I need to spend all of my energy trying to find ways for ME to be okay with what someone else has done.


Side note: I have it on very good authority that what you write here could be used against you, so watch your step. What others post is inconsequential for the most part, but what you post can make a difference.

 

[Stillraining]

Interesting....the fact that the question remains unanswered suggests to me that there ARE kids.

You could be right...my instinct says if there were, he would have steered this thread to a more amicable tone of restoration from the get go, rather then let perpetuate and get most of the advice to the inevitable contrary.


IF that's so, Kids need both a Mommy and a Daddy....beat the crap out of the guy and then work it out..

Im done..

Carry on!

 

[broadbill]

I have zero tolerance of predators of married women ...YMMV .... Mess with my wife you get the horn.

ETA...After my ex cheated and I was free to look around..I refused a few passes from marred women...I expect the same out of every man...sorry dude... just my moral code.
I will also add I told these same women what happened to me and told them to go home...I had no respect for them either.

no need to apologize...I would be mad too if I found out I was last one in room holding the torch high for some sacred moral code.

I only want people who want me in return. I don't see how binding them to some sort of agreement (or beating up some person who doesn't abide by the agreement I made with them) helps the situation. Either way its over.

 

[m00ps]

Side note: I have it on very good authority that what you write here could be used against you, so watch your step. What others post is inconsequential for the most part, but what you post can make a difference.

I want to see the court case where HBT posts, littered with nonsensical brewing jargon, are used as evidence

As you can see, your honor, the defendant couldnt have committed the murder because at 9:32pm that night, he was freaking out about whether or not his Porter was infected.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

To me, it sounds as though you've backed down just a bit. That is fine; however, back down because you feel you've really blown it out of proportion and not because you're not getting anywhere with her while talking to her.

All I know is that there is flirting for a moment or this continual flirting that she seems to think is okay. If she wants to portray herself as someone who is disrespectful to her husband and basically thinks that this is how she needs to be in life, then fine. Who am I to judge? All I do know is that her so-called harmless flirting resulted in a hand up her hoo-hah and if you don't think that's where this dude's hand went then you're silly. No man sticks his hands down a woman's pants just to feel the soft material of her underwear.

After that incident alone, that would be the end for me. Trust is broken and I don't feel as though I need to spend all of my energy trying to find ways for ME to be okay with what someone else has done.


Side note: I have it on very good authority that what you write here could be used against you, so watch your step. What others post is inconsequential for the most part, but what you post can make a difference.

Maybe I missed it, but I did not read into the first post that a hand went to any hoo-hah. My assumption was her ass. Not that it is any more tolerable. But also not uncommon for some drunk ******* to grab some drunk chicks ass.

Vagarities about pictures women send (sounds like maybe she sent him something), flirtations about vegetarianism timing, and talking about the size of his kitten are unnacceptable. Period.

 

[1977Brewer]

I want to see the court case where HBT posts, littered with nonsensical brewing jargon, are used as evidence



As you can see, your honor, the defendant couldnt have committed the murder because at 9:32pm that night, he was freaking out about whether or not his Porter was infected.

Here, at 10:26 PM, he was posting cat gifs in a thread about Friendly Friends.

Would a friendly friend beat an 80 year old man to death with a drilled out canoe paddle?

I think not.

 

[bob1852]

Maybe I missed it, but I did not read into the first post that a hand went to any hoo-hah. My assumption was her ass. Not that it is any more tolerable. But also not uncommon for some drunk ******* to grab some drunk chicks ass.

Vagarities about pictures women send (sounds like maybe she sent him something), flirtations about vegetarianism timing, and talking about the size of his kitten are unnacceptable. Period.

Hands in the pants are a bit different than a graze or grab outside of the pants...

 

[m00ps]

Here, at 10:26 PM, he was posting cat gifs in a thread about Friendly Friends.

Would a friendly friend beat an 80 year old man to death with a drilled out canoe paddle?

I think not.

Cut to @TheCADJockey - character witness

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

Hands in the pants are a bit different than a graze or grab outside of the pants...

Troo. But also depends on whether or not it happened before or after the other stuff. Hard to fault a guy for making that move if he's been sent photos, talked about BJ's, and the size of his kitten with her.

 

[drainbamage]

I want to see the court case where HBT posts, littered with nonsensical brewing jargon, are used as evidence

As you can see, your honor, the defendant couldnt have committed the murder because at 9:32pm that night, he was freaking out about whether or not his Porter was infected.

Here, at 10:26 PM, he was posting cat gifs in a thread about Friendly Friends.

Would a friendly friend beat an 80 year old man to death with a drilled out canoe paddle?

I think not.

...Aaaaand that was the point where the snark took over.

 

[hunter_le five]

no need to apologize...I would be mad too if I found out I was last one in room holding the torch high for some sacred moral code.

I only want people who want me in return. I don't see how binding them to some sort of agreement (or beating up some person who doesn't abide by the agreement I made with them) helps the situation. Either way its over.

Any man who's enough of an ******* to sleep with/attempt to sleep with another man's wife deserves whatever that other man decides to do to him in response.

 

[Homercidal]

Hands in the pants are a bit different than a graze or grab outside of the pants...

To a normal, sober person, this may be true. Drunken people have a much lower potential to distinguish between right, wrong, and anything in between.

That's why drunk people are not allowed to drive, and they aren't beholden to some forms of contract.

I'm not saying it's a valid excuse, but IMO it should be taken into consideration in discussion. I'm sure a lot of us, otherwise responsible people have done some irresponsible acts while intoxicated.

Did I ever relate the story of the guy at a party who tried to impress the kids by showing them how you can get an empty beer bottle to stick to the wall with static cling? A sober person would know that empty beer bottles aren't quite the same thing as a balloon.