The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear Who Does that,

Urinal Man knows.

Sincerely,
Urinal Man

Dear Urinal man:
I appreciate the cartoon, pretty much sums it up. I took the test too, but I'm left wondering what it means. I scored an A- is that good?
Sincerely, I still piss alone.

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear Piss Alone,
Like Joshua told us in War Game, the only winning move is to not play. Kudos to you.
Sincerely,
Only got a B+

 

[Pyg]

Dear Friday,

Thursday putt a whooping on me, the "one too many" last night at the pub did not help.
please hurry up and be over with so I can get on with a hectic weekend!

Sincerely, trying not to hurl on keyboard at work!

 

[Psylocide]

Dear 5:00 pm,

Seriously bro?

Sincerely,

It's too damn nice out for you to be taking your sweet ass time.

 

[Onkel_Udo]

Dear City of Lynwood, IL DOT,

F#%$%@ you. The intersection has a light 15' from the intersection that is yellow. There are TWO designated right turn lanes. The path is clear so I turned right.

Who thought putting a "No Turn on Red" sign 6.5' to the right of the curb was a good idea. Oh, wait, the revenue department of F@$#%%^$# you, that's who.

Sincerely,

That guy who has not had ANY kind of ticket in 23 years and resents your revenue scam cloaked as "safety"

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear Quicken,
You are a great program for managing my finances, and I appreciate that you let me budget and track my brewing expenditures. That said, when running the report on said brewing expenditures, I am very disappointed with you. You are a lying, stinking bastard and I refuse to believe that since September of 2011 I could have purchased a very, very nice used car with my brewing money, or taken an extended vacation to Chile's Isla Negra. And I'm glad that all my data prior to that time is archived and thus not included, as going back to 1996 I'm sure I would have to shoot you for being such a filthy liar.
Sincerely,
The beer fridge is always full, but i don't travel much

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear City of Lynwood, IL DOT,

F#%$%@ you. The intersection has a light 15' from the intersection that is yellow. There are TWO designated right turn lanes. The path is clear so I turned right.

Who thought putting a "No Turn on Red" sign 6.5' to the right of the curb was a good idea. Oh, wait, the revenue department of F@$#%%^$# you, that's who.

Sincerely,

That guy who has not had ANY kind of ticket in 23 years and resents your revenue scam cloaked as "safety"

Dear Guy:
I know the feeling. IL got me a couple of times a few years back. They'll try to make things difficult for you too, if you don't cough it up. Smaller towns are the worst.
Sincerely, been there.

 

[Newsman]

Dear drivers in the "fast" lane,
Please remember that state law says you are to move over for anyone who wants to go faster than you, no matter what speed you are going.

Sincerely,
Leadfoot

 

[jbob7171]

Dear Modern Journalists,
A compilation of other peoples tweets does not constitute an article or story.
Sincerely,
A Reader

 

[Psylocide]

Dear Modern Journalists,
A compilation of other peoples tweets does not constitute an article or story.
Sincerely,
A Reader

Dear Reader,

Take a look at these 10 mind-blowing tweets from 2015... #6 will shock you.

Sincerely,

Yes... it's really this easy to make clickbait these days.

 

[Beernik]

Dear Boss,

I did not read your 9pm Friday email until this morning. I don't read your weekend email anymore after the last time you yelled at me for trying to help you.

I cannot meet with you Tuesday for last minute changes to the report I sent you last Tuesday.

I'm doing that "outreach" you recently claimed is mission critical. Maybe filling the two positions that have been vacant for a year should be mission critical.

Sincerely,
Day 3 of a 5 day road trip

 

[Baja_Brewer]

Dear Southwest,

Is gender really something that is so likely to change between flight bookings that you can't retain it in my account information?
Sincerely, it really shouldnt be a surprise that I forget to fill it in when everything else auto completes

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear car insurance company,
Are you TRYING to get me arrested? You have been screwing up my polices repeatedly for the past few years. I think it may be time to say my goodbye.
Sincerely,
Anyone know of a car insurance provider that will not try to screw me

 

[flars]

Dear DrunleJon,

I am your insurance agent and an HBT member. Your user name has us worried. Your insurance rates will remain high just because a huge claim may be imminent.

Sincerely,
Protect Our Butt Insurers

 

[Yoseff]

Dear Employer,
I realize that this 8 hour meeting is important, but it's a tad cruel to end it at three then expect us back at work at eleven.
Sincerely,
My family doesn't recognize me anymore.

 

[Onkel_Udo]

Dear USW workers on the refinery strike,

Stop saying it is about safety. Our safety record has improved and production is up since you went on strike.

Either get something sexier or give up because the public does not even realize you are on strike anymore nor do most care.

Sincerely,

Guy just annoyed by this pointless exercise

 

[LAHammer]

Dear car insurance company,
Are you TRYING to get me arrested? You have been screwing up my polices repeatedly for the past few years. I think it may be time to say my goodbye.
Sincerely,
Anyone know of a car insurance provider that will not try to screw me

Dear anyone...screw me:

That's their job.

Sincerely,
Ever see a tv ad for your insurance company that remotely describes your experience?

 

[TheCADJockey]

Dear anyone...screw me:

That's their job.

Sincerely,
Ever see a tv ad for your insurance company that remotely describes your experience?

Dear Angry Person,

Is that an offer? It gets awfully lonely around these parts during the winter.

Sincerely,

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear anyone...screw me:

That's their job.

Sincerely,
Ever see a tv ad for your insurance company that remotely describes your experience?

Dear confused,
Nope, only commercials with wannabe British lizards(that didnt even get a part in the bud - wis - er frog commercials), and the annoying lady who thinks she is retro.
Sincerely,
Why can't I just be my own insurance company?

 

[Onkel_Udo]

Dear,
Why can't I just be my own insurance company?

It takes $1.5M in cash and an equal bond...in 1995.

Sincerely,

Guy who works for companies that self-insure.

 

[Zepth]

Dear Revenue Agency,
I know I was late filing. My bad. Your request clearly stated to not include receipts with my return, only the return itself. After waiting 5 months for my refund, you reply with a letter stating you'd like me to send receipts away at additional expense. What the he||?
Sincerely,
Dissatisfied customer.

 

[Beernik]

Dear work,

Thank you for sending me on a drive through northern AZ today. I picked up a 6er of Hop Shock IPA from SanTan Brewing Co.

Enjoying it in the hotel tonight.

Cheers.

Sincerely,
Glad I am here

 

[BrotherGrim]

Dear Mr. Wayne,

You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Sincerely,
The Joker

 

[TheCADJockey]

Dear Joker,

Naaaaah.

Sincerely,

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear,
Why can't I just be my own insurance company?

It takes $1.5M in cash and an equal bond...in 1995.

Sincerely,

Guy who works for companies that self-insure.

Dear Guy,
Well there goes that idea.
Sincerely,
Even the guy at the DMV said insurance companies are a scam

 

[Devin]

Dear Off Flavors,

Screw you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Off Flavors,

Not so sad to see you go!

Sincerely,

Me.

 

[drainbamage]

Dear work,

Thank you for sending me on a drive through northern AZ today. I picked up a 6er of Hop Shock IPA from SanTan Brewing Co.

Enjoying it in the hotel tonight.

Cheers.

Sincerely,
Glad I am here

Dear Glad I am here,

At first glance I thought that said "Shock Top", and couldn't understand your excitement.

Sincerely,
Possibly dyslexic

 

[Beernik]

Dear Possibly Dyslexic,

Hop Shock sounds so close to so many other beers, I'm surprised they haven't been sued.

Sincerely,
One more day of driving and then its back to the office.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear God:
If you're really out there, how about sending me a bit of luck on a big jackpot powerball drawing this week?
Sincerely, Gratus.

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear Gratus,
While I understand your desire to win "a big jackpot powerball drawing this week", I have filters on my prayer-mail to weed out all requests that mention lotterys as well as the smiting of your foes and for a win for sports teams. Otherwise everyone would win all lottery's and not even get their money back. Then I would have to upgrade my filter to weed out the hate mail as well, and the filters just cant handle the load. Hope you understand my plight.
Sincerely
God