The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[Beernik]

Dear Boss,

I did not read your 9pm Friday email until this morning. I don't read your weekend email anymore after the last time you yelled at me for trying to help you.

I cannot meet with you Tuesday for last minute changes to the report I sent you last Tuesday.

I'm doing that "outreach" you recently claimed is mission critical. Maybe filling the two positions that have been vacant for a year should be mission critical.

Sincerely,
Day 3 of a 5 day road trip

 

[Baja_Brewer]

Dear Southwest,

Is gender really something that is so likely to change between flight bookings that you can't retain it in my account information?
Sincerely, it really shouldnt be a surprise that I forget to fill it in when everything else auto completes

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear car insurance company,
Are you TRYING to get me arrested? You have been screwing up my polices repeatedly for the past few years. I think it may be time to say my goodbye.
Sincerely,
Anyone know of a car insurance provider that will not try to screw me

 

[flars]

Dear DrunleJon,

I am your insurance agent and an HBT member. Your user name has us worried. Your insurance rates will remain high just because a huge claim may be imminent.

Sincerely,
Protect Our Butt Insurers

 

[Yoseff]

Dear Employer,
I realize that this 8 hour meeting is important, but it's a tad cruel to end it at three then expect us back at work at eleven.
Sincerely,
My family doesn't recognize me anymore.

 

[Onkel_Udo]

Dear USW workers on the refinery strike,

Stop saying it is about safety. Our safety record has improved and production is up since you went on strike.

Either get something sexier or give up because the public does not even realize you are on strike anymore nor do most care.

Sincerely,

Guy just annoyed by this pointless exercise

 

[LAHammer]

Dear car insurance company,
Are you TRYING to get me arrested? You have been screwing up my polices repeatedly for the past few years. I think it may be time to say my goodbye.
Sincerely,
Anyone know of a car insurance provider that will not try to screw me

Dear anyone...screw me:

That's their job.

Sincerely,
Ever see a tv ad for your insurance company that remotely describes your experience?

 

[TheCADJockey]

Dear anyone...screw me:

That's their job.

Sincerely,
Ever see a tv ad for your insurance company that remotely describes your experience?

Dear Angry Person,

Is that an offer? It gets awfully lonely around these parts during the winter.

Sincerely,

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear anyone...screw me:

That's their job.

Sincerely,
Ever see a tv ad for your insurance company that remotely describes your experience?

Dear confused,
Nope, only commercials with wannabe British lizards(that didnt even get a part in the bud - wis - er frog commercials), and the annoying lady who thinks she is retro.
Sincerely,
Why can't I just be my own insurance company?

 

[Onkel_Udo]

Dear,
Why can't I just be my own insurance company?

It takes $1.5M in cash and an equal bond...in 1995.

Sincerely,

Guy who works for companies that self-insure.

 

[Zepth]

Dear Revenue Agency,
I know I was late filing. My bad. Your request clearly stated to not include receipts with my return, only the return itself. After waiting 5 months for my refund, you reply with a letter stating you'd like me to send receipts away at additional expense. What the he||?
Sincerely,
Dissatisfied customer.

 

[Beernik]

Dear work,

Thank you for sending me on a drive through northern AZ today. I picked up a 6er of Hop Shock IPA from SanTan Brewing Co.

Enjoying it in the hotel tonight.

Cheers.

Sincerely,
Glad I am here

 

[BrotherGrim]

Dear Mr. Wayne,

You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Sincerely,
The Joker

 

[TheCADJockey]

Dear Joker,

Naaaaah.

Sincerely,

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear,
Why can't I just be my own insurance company?

It takes $1.5M in cash and an equal bond...in 1995.

Sincerely,

Guy who works for companies that self-insure.

Dear Guy,
Well there goes that idea.
Sincerely,
Even the guy at the DMV said insurance companies are a scam

 

[Devin]

Dear Off Flavors,

Screw you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Off Flavors,

Not so sad to see you go!

Sincerely,

Me.

 

[drainbamage]

Dear work,

Thank you for sending me on a drive through northern AZ today. I picked up a 6er of Hop Shock IPA from SanTan Brewing Co.

Enjoying it in the hotel tonight.

Cheers.

Sincerely,
Glad I am here

Dear Glad I am here,

At first glance I thought that said "Shock Top", and couldn't understand your excitement.

Sincerely,
Possibly dyslexic

 

[Beernik]

Dear Possibly Dyslexic,

Hop Shock sounds so close to so many other beers, I'm surprised they haven't been sued.

Sincerely,
One more day of driving and then its back to the office.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear God:
If you're really out there, how about sending me a bit of luck on a big jackpot powerball drawing this week?
Sincerely, Gratus.

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear Gratus,
While I understand your desire to win "a big jackpot powerball drawing this week", I have filters on my prayer-mail to weed out all requests that mention lotterys as well as the smiting of your foes and for a win for sports teams. Otherwise everyone would win all lottery's and not even get their money back. Then I would have to upgrade my filter to weed out the hate mail as well, and the filters just cant handle the load. Hope you understand my plight.
Sincerely
God

 

[Pyg]

Dear head & stomach and the rest of your parts,

I helped my son with math homework, had a glass of wine and watched 2 basketball games. I should not feel like poop.
I have a meeting to attend tonight and 1 day of work left. After that you can fall apart and feel slimey all you want.

Sincerely, feeling worse then when I actually go on a bender!

 

[Devin]

Dear feeling worse then when you actually go on a bender:

This is a good lesson for you - drink beer, not wine!

Sincerely,

All that is good in the Universe.

 

[soccerdad]

Dear all that is good -

Sound advice !! Also - only watch the last 4 minutes of any basketball game.

Sincerely -
Madness Schmadness

 

[Pyg]

Dear all that is good -

I have 250 bottles of homemade wine & 12 of homebrew. I am in conservation mode.
And It has further been determined I have something evil growing in my intestines and it is looking to get out!

Sincerely,
I dont want to go through this right before a 3 day weekend!

 

[Beernik]

Dear Home,

Glad I am here.

Sincerely,
Weary traveler

 

[Renegades_Brew]

Dear Fire Alarm,

I'm sorry I pissed you off enough to clear out the whole building last night.

Sincerely,
The effect was totally worth it... Except now no one will ever get to see it...

 

[Pyg]

Dear Fire Alarm,

I'm sorry I pissed you off enough to clear out the whole building last night.

Sincerely,
The effect was totally worth it... Except now no one will ever get to see it...

Dear Head cold,

I can feel you settling in to my noggin,
I know you and hangover dont get along
But I have a busy weekend 3 day weekend of binge watching NCAA,
So please go away!

Sincerely, today is my Friday!!!

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear Station Gremlins:
We have an AWESOME engineering staff who handled all the crap you threw at us yesterday. That critical equipment failure was dealt with by on the fly reprogramming & creative source reassignments. Bring on your worst, we'll slap your gremlin asses down again!
Sincerely, GF.

 

[max384]

Dear residency program,

THANK YOU for accepting me into your family medicine program! I am beyond excited that I matched into a local program, so that I can continue training where I live, and I don't have to uproot my family to move again.



Sincerely,

A now-sober (I think ) medical student looking forward to graduation next month

 

[Inkleg]

Dear Medical Student,

Thank You!

Sincerely,
Sick people who just want to feel better.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

Dear Cat,

Thank you for licking me.

Sincerely,
Your Butt Hole

 

[ChefRex]

Dear Everyone,
Go **** your self!

Of course that doesn't mean all of you that I love so much! And you know that I mean you!

 

[Colorowdy]

Dear liver,
You have been on a ten day hiatus. You can thank the on call phone and other peoples lack of responsibility. Although I do appreciate all the vacation time I have earned. You are evil and it is time for you to be punished.
Sincerely If I drink three bombers it counts as three and not six.
P.S. I'm betting there might be a why did I do this to myself last night post tomorrow.

 

[TXCrash]

Dear stomach,
What the **** are you so pissed about?
Sincerely,
This better not be the flu

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear spine:
I've spent more money on you than I paid for my truck recently & I'm STILL spending money on you. I take it easy on you, I treat you to long, hot soaks, I've given you some of the best meds available...
Enough with the pain. You've been dishing it out for a long time now & it's time you stop. I'm serious. You're a spine, not a pu$$y, so knock that $hit off & get with the fvcking program.
Sincerely, Me.

 

[Beernik]

Dear lamp,

Sorry about the sloppy hand job but I got you turned on.

Sincerely,
Need more coffee

 

[azscoob]

Dear big guy in the sky,

Please take good care of my pup, I got 12 great years with him, now it's your turn to run and play with him for a while...

Sincerely,
My house is so quiet right now.

 

[SupervisingChildren]

Dear azscoob,
Sorry for your loss. It's always sad to see a dog go.
Sincerely,
Dog owner that never got to say goodbye to childhood dog

 

[Inkleg]

Dear azscoob,

I am so sorry for your loss. Having just gone through this, I know that time helps heal the heart and I also know that right now sucks. When next I have a drink in my hand I'll raise a toast to his memory.

Sincerely,
We love them while they are here and cry like babies when we lose them.

 

[Colorowdy]

Dear red headed step child,
Sorry I more then almost tripled your max bench. You are still a stud. Baseball is your game and I wish the best for you.Really it is awesome you smashed my buddy at lifting. He is a grown man.
Sincerely keep pushing me fat old guy