The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[BruceH]

Dear night,

Stop taking so long.

Sincerely,
Daylight savings time.

 

[Jayjay1976]

Dear Universe,

Please don't Bogart that joint.

Sincerely,
Scraping bowls

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Former BrewBoss,

I honestly love you. You are the BOMB. Had a great time catching up today, seeing what you're doing with your downtime, and can't wait to help you play with your new toys next weekend.

Sincerely, milled 200lbs of grain for you today but got paid with grain for myself, yeast, and TWO 7G FERMONSTERS you had sitting around doing nothing, and you gave them to me knowing I will use and take good care of them (YES I am a lucky gal)

 

[Beernik]

Dear Virtual Conference Presenters,

Place all lighting sources in front of you, not behind you. All I can see is your silhouette in front of your picture window.

Also, once you get the lighting correct, check your camera angles. I don’t want to look up your nose.

Sincerely,

Virtual Conference Attendee

 

[BruceH]

Dear Travel Channel,

Please start showing travel related content or change your name to the paranormal channel.

Sincerely,

Fan of seeing travel related content.

 

[Jayjay1976]

Dear Virtual Conference Presenters,

Place all lighting sources in front of you, not behind you. All I can see is your silhouette in front of your picture window.

Also, once you get the lighting correct, check your camera angles. I don’t want to look up your nose.

Sincerely,

Virtual Conference Attendee

I conduct several of these conferences each week, fully dressed from the waist up but boxers and house slippers on the bottom half. I'm hoping that one of these times my cat will scamper across the desk giving me a reason to stand up suddenly

 

[Beernik]

I have regular, webex & zoom meetings. My Siamese cat likes to photobomb.

I also wear a shirt & shorts for my meetings. Sometimes I even shower for them instead of just slapping on a hat.

 

[Beernik]

Dear Travel Channel,

Please start showing travel related content or change your name to the paranormal channel.

Sincerely,

Fan of seeing travel related content.

I completely agree, except for Ghost Brothers. Dalen, Juwan, and Marcus get to stay whether they continue as a paranormal show or if they have to change format to a travel show.

 

[seatazzz]

Dear beyond annoying german engineered automobile,

Can we just stop with the endless cycle of something going wrong, being repaired, and something ELSE going wrong, completely unrelated to the first issue? I would dearly like to drive you instead of you sitting in the driveway taking up space. Your new cam chain tensioner pads will be here on Saturday, let's make that the last one for a while, hmmm?

Sincerely,

Your owner who is very tired of explaining to her husband why the car isn't running now, and having to order parts online because NOBODY in my area carries parts for this beast other than basic maintenance stuff.

 

[Brew_Dude41]

Dear state of Ohio,
What do you mean that there will be no more in class school held this year?!

Sincerely,
Not a pre-school teacher. (Seriously I can't do that job)

 

[Snuffy]

Dear NB,

Suspending all free shipping is probably a great way to improve your current high demand issue and get sales back to a more manageable level.

Sincerely,

New AHS customer

 

[SouthBounds]

Dear Cocoa Powder,

Why you so hard to work with?

Sincerely - Cocoa Nibs

 

[BruceH]

Dear Costco roasted chicken,

Thank you for being $4.99 and weighing about 4 pounds cooked and delicious.

Sincerely,

Kept, mostly retired trophy husband who does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.

 

[FswBG]

Dear beer shipper supplier,
Please work out a better deal with your fedex/ups distributors. A few small pieces of paper/cardboard shouldn't cost 25$ to ship...

Sincerely,
Alleged beer shipper

 

[Brew_Dude41]

Dear new AHS customer,
I bailed on them when they sold out to In-Bev.
I know that they have been sold off since, but I have had no reason to go back.

Sincerely Labelpeelers and my 3 LHBS here in town.

 

[BruceH]

Dear Beer,

Thank you for helping to pass the time spent streaming tv.

Sincerely,
The 11 pounds I've acquired in the last 4 weeks.

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Delicious IPA in my Glass,

Thank you for turning out so wonderful, even though I didn't think about the mini-heat wave we had two weeks ago and you shot up to 78 for two days without me noticing. Your juicy goodness is helping make a long hard day worth it.

Sincerely,

Need a new ferment fridge like yesterday

 

[seatazzz]

And the obligatory...

Dear HBT,

Welcome Back.

Sincerely,

Freaked out with nothing to look at during downtime at work today when boss wasn't looking.

 

[Snuffy]

Dear HBT,

Thanks for finally getting rid of that nasty Ear Wax ad. <gaaak>

Sincerely,

Grossed Out

 

[Brew_Dude41]

Dear old HBT site,
I miss you.

Sincerely,
Opposed to change
AKA I have ear wax and cant find solution for it now...

 

[Kent88]

Dear seatazzz,

I'm not a complete unknown,

Sincerely,
Dude who had just ressurected the thread

 

[Kent88]

Dear JayJay,

Please put down the mary-ja-won-jams and buy some cheese, and some comfy pants.

Sincerely,
Dude who doesn't want you to go to jail for possession or indecent exposure

 

[Kent88]

Dear Col. Blake,

Col. Potter was better.

Sincerely,
Radar was still better than Klinger.

 

[Kent88]

Dear June 2020,

We've had a rough time of it. Please don't follow May the way May followed April. No need to look at May and tell her "Hold my beer, I'm really going to mess 'em up".

Sincerely,
Tired... so very tired...

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Saturday,

Please get here quick before the husband changes his mind about buying us a refrigerator I can turn into a 3-tap kegerator with the parts that will be here Friday, so I can brew something tasty on Sunday and ferment in my ferment fridge, instead of in the house where it will shoot up to 80+ degrees and possibly be bad.

Sincerely,

We have $$ and don't need any more golf stuff dammit

 

[Brew_Dude41]

Dear fertilizer,
Thank you for working so well and making the lawn thick, green, and weed free.
That being said, if you could ease up on making the grass grow so fast that I have to cut everyday that it is not raining that would great.
Sincerely,
You just killed my lawn mower

 

[Kent88]

Dear weather,

I just transplanted my hops. Please knock it off with all this wind. Be kind to them.

Sincerely,
Dude who might also lose his plum saplings

 

[Ayzala]

Dear French Taunter,

Yes they are coconuts

Sincerely,
The Ka-nig-its

 

[seatazzz]

Dear (starting to think you are flaky) Offerup seller,

When I ask you to text me your address so we can come pick up the kegerator tomorrow, that you've had listed for SEVEN MONTHS and finally someone wants to buy, please respond in a timely manner* so I DON'T think you're flaky.

Sincerely, we've got the cash and the means to move it, and I want that kegerator in my garage NOW.

*Maybe that's why it's been listed for seven months....

 

[CKuhns]

Dear Fed Ex Delivery Gal,

Thanks for coming to the door and stepping back to keep 6 feet between us. To inform me that the two 5 gallon pails of honey I ordered and you "delivered" are at the end of the driveway near the mailbox.

Dear Grandchildren thanks for tipping them over and rolling them to the garage for me.

Dear Monarchs Choice Honey, You guys have some amazing buckets and lids. 60 pounds of honey, kicked off the back of a truck, tipped over and rolled 50 feet or so by a 6 and 9 year old and not a drop of the golden goodness escaped. (X2) Nicely done!

Sincerely, Man who's wife has perfected the "Eye Roll".

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

Dear FedEx,

This is not my front door, I just thought you should know that this driver is a liar as they recorded the delivery location as front door.

The package was not even heavy. You will likely loose them to a career in politics.

Sincerely,
Did they even climb one step?

 

[BruceH]

Dear FedEx,

This is not my front door, I just thought you should know that this driver is a liar as they recorded the delivery location as front door. View attachment 680785
The package was not even heavy. You will likely loose them to a career in politics.

Sincerely,
Did they even climb one step?

Most of the local delivery people have been acting odd. Not sure what kind of training they are getting but some pretty skittish behavior around here.

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

Most of the local delivery people have been acting odd. Not sure what kind of training they are getting but some pretty skittish behavior around here.

Yea, early on I met one at the door we did a little awkward exchange. He asked, “Do you want it or should I put it down?” My answer “Whatever is most comfortable for you.” Handed me the package. I realize they could be working short staffed, and I do appreciate that they are working. Just a couple steps and the package could have been near the door at least and I would have seen it when I looked for it.

 

[jswillbrewforbeer]

Dear 93 year-old neighbor lady who is most times as sweet as pie but has recently been made a bit persnickety by the fear of death,

please grant me the courtesy of allowing me to place the pile of brush in my lawn where I see fit. It is not an eye sore as you can likely not see a thing through your half inch thick Coke bottle glasses and the back of my alley which, yes I own, is not visible from the street. The fact that the pile is resting in my yard against the fence which divides both of our properties does not give you a say in the matter. Furthermore, when I, in an act of selfless deference and after immediately conceding to your unreasonable demands by moving the pile, offer my and my wife's services of running to the store for you if you need anything, effectively reducing the likelihood of you meeting your imminent demise from the contraction of COVID, please formulate a response other than the rather kurt "Hmmph, thanks."

Sincerely,
the avid lawn waste placement specialist who lives next door

 

[seatazzz]

Dear Left Knee,

Thank you for waiting until AFTER strenuous double brew day was over before deciding to crap out. Didn't want to work tonight anyway.

Sincerely,

Me sitting here with ice pack & a truly awesome beer, staring at temperature controller and occasionally opening newly reinstated ferment fridge to ogle and gloat over the future deliciousnesses I brewed today.

 

[Kent88]

Dearest spouse,

I really appreciate that we could come to a consensus last november that I should buy some kegging equipment. I've been getting really tired of bottling and poor/inconsistent carbonation. I was happy to make a cider as the inaugural batch of fermented beverage that we could keg.

That said, I know I was the one who actually decided to make cider as a "I'm glad you have come around to what I've said about kegging" "thank-you" batch, but I've never really been thrilled with cider. It would be helpful if you would help me drink some of this. I want the keg emptied so I can fiddle with the keezer's temperature controller and make some lager.

Sincerely,
I'd never call you SWMBO because we're not on an episode of Yes, Dear or Everybody Loves Raymond.

[seriously, the way sit-coms portray marriage is freaking weird]

 

[Inkleg]

Dear I’d never call you SWMBO,

Bottle the remaining cider in the keg and brew on.

Sincerely,
There’s more than one way to kick a keg

 

[Kent88]

Dear lady we bought the house from,

Your placement for the ISP's equipment was terrible.

That combined with you not installing any Ethernet cable anywhere in the house is incredibly frustrating.

Sincerely,
Guy who overpaid for your house

 

[Kent88]

Dear ISP,

I didn't want your WiFi router in the first place. That it can't reliably reach from my basement to my bedroom or bathroom is incredibly frustrating. I'll be looking at replacement routers and looking over my bill to remind myself how much you are changing for this piece of junk.

Sincerely,
Wifi-less while sleeping.

 

[Kent88]

Dear wifi reception icon on my phone,

You are a dirty liar.

Sincerely,
If I wasn't trying to save money during the pandemic the phone you are being displayed on would be replaced so fast that, despite being an inanimate object, it would get whiplash.