Stupid Joke Thread!

[homebeerbrewer]

My friend had a flat tire. While changing it, the car fell off the jack and landed on his foot.

Now he needs a toe.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

An ambulance sped by me. The back door opened and a cooler fell out. I figured that they'd want the cooler back, so I stopped to pick it up. I found four severed toes inside, so I called for a tow truck.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

An ambulance sped by me. The back door opened and a cooler fell out. I figured that they'd want the cooler back, so I stopped to pick it up. I found four severed toes inside, so I called for a tow truck.

Jokes with English words with a double meaning lose something when written.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

"istrue"

fail!

 

[BeerAndTele]

A cop pulled me over the other day, approached my car and said, “papers.”

Excitedly, I said, “scissors!” and drove away thinking I’d won.

He must have wanted a rematch or something because he then followed me for 45 minutes.

 

[BeerAndTele]

I asked my wife last night if I was the only one she’d ever slept with. She said yes.

Then she said most of the others were 7s or 8s.

 

[balrog]

A person has been stealing wheels off police cars around here.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch them.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

"Purple Range"?

 

[balrog]

If you know what I'm singin' about up here, come on, raise your hand

purple range
purple range

 

[ba-brewer]

They close the show with Raspberry Crème Brûlée

 

[Closet Fermenter]

A person has been stealing wheels off police cars around here.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch them.

Yes, and the thief also stole the toilets out of the police station. The cops have nothing to go on.

 

[day_trippr]

 

[BeerAndTele]

I’ve been thinking about robbing my local grocery store using telekinesis.
I’m not sure if I’ll actually go through with it, but it’s food for thought.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

Groan.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Me: checking my fermenter the morning after a late brew evening.

https://m.youtube.com/clip/Ugkxhmu12qF66v_o1GWa7Nkrzkvcj_5kPNUI?feature=shared

 

[balrog]

Sunflowers.

No, wait. Lilies.

Oh crap.

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

A man loses three fingers in a work accident. At the hospital he asks the doctor, "Will I be able to drive with this hand?"

The doctor replies, "Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."

 

[balrog]

Retro post but I just ran across it again.
The classics never fail.

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

Love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people.

Never gets old.

 

[balrog]

 

[Closet Fermenter]

 

[Rish]

While hastily loading the dishwasher, my wife grabbed a bowl of roasted pepitas and put it upside down on the top rack, spilling the tasty seeds everywhere. "I'm an idiot", she said. "Never argue with your spouse", I replied. I should have thought about that a minute.

 

[Broothru]

While hastily loading the dishwasher, my wife grabbed a bowl of roasted pepitas and put it upside down on the top rack, spilling the tasty seeds everywhere. "I'm an idiot", she said. "Never argue with your spouse", I replied. I should have thought about that a minute.

So, how long did it take to clean up all the pepitas out of your hair after your wife returned the compliment?

 

[Closet Fermenter]

So, how long did it take to clean up all the pepitas out of your hair after your wife returned the compliment?

Or, did you end up with a case of “summer teeth? You know, some’r over there, some’r over here, and some’r mixed in with those pepitas!

 

[agentbud]

Cop: "You're going to jail for forgery."
Me: <slides him a $37 bill> "What about now?"

 

[agentbud]

I accidentally used my wife's fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Got pulled over by the cops for speeding.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

I handed both to him.

Cop: “It says on your license you’re supposed to be wearing glasses.”

Me: “I have contacts.”

Cop: “I don’t care who you know, you’re supposed to be wearing glasses.”

 

[balrog]

 

[firerat]

An aging wife is looking in the mirror and says to her husband, "my face is wrinkled, my ****s are sagging, my hair is going Grey, and I'm losing my good looks. Say singing nice to me."

"Your eyesight is still perfect"