Stupid Joke Thread!

[agentbud]

I told my date that I'm 50 years old but have the body of a 20-year-old. She was really impressed until I walked over and opened the deep freezer.

 

[balrog]

I found this great place online to buy sausage.

I'll send you a link.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

The fact that there exists something called “Silly Putty” intrinsically implies that there must therefore exist a “Serious Putty”.

I think that’s called C4.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

People often think T-Rex cannot clap its hands because its arms are too short.


But really it's because T-Rexes are all dead.

 

[balrog]

My wife said she'd had it with my word play jokes.

I said, "How can I stop it?"

She said, "Any means necessary"

I said, "No it doesn't"

 

[balrog]

When I was young, I wanted to play guitar so badly.

60 years later, I have finally achieved my goal.

I play guitar badly.

 

[doug293cz]

When I was young, I wanted to play guitar so badly.

60 years later, I have finally achieved my goal.

I play guitar badly.

I can relate...

Brew on

 

[Kee]

I can relate...

Brew on

Me too.

 

[RCope]

Me three...

 

[balrog]

From the oldies files (Foster Brooks)

I've been married 3 times; my first two wives died tragically.
My first died from eating poison mushrooms.
My second wife died from a fractured skull.
She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

 

[BongoYodeler]

From the oldies files (Foster Brooks)

I've been married 3 times; my first two wives died tragically.
My first died from eating poison mushrooms.
My second wife died from a fractured skull.
She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

I heard that joke many years, (decades!!), ago. I didn't know it was attributed to Foster (hic) Brooks.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?


fsh.

Edit: Damn autocorrect made this hard to post…

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

Every man has that voice inside his head that keeps him from doing dumb things.
If he's married, he has two.
And the loudest one isn't even his.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

I found this great place online to buy sausage.

I'll send you a link.

That joke is the Wurst

 

[Cheshire Cat]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?


fsh.

Edit: Damn autocorrect made this hard to post…

What do you call a deer with no eyes,

No Idea.

 

[Mr. Vern]

That joke is the Wurst

You're just being a brat

 

[lumpher]

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

 

[balrog]

 

[Cheshire Cat]

After I broke my legs they put on a plaster cask. After a few months the doctor removed it. He said you should now be able to use the stairs to reach the bedroom.
Thank god I said I’m fed up with climbing up the drainpipe.

 

[balrog]

Ok, I'll admit it. It's pretty sad that I laughed out loud at this one.

[Edit: "Huh! Draw blood"]

 

[balrog]

I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

[if I were to really do that, y’all would never hear from me again, as I would be a purple greasy spot in a divot in the back yard]

 

[Mr. Vern]

I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack

I did that once and she was very salty! Even though the makeup loving was full of zest I learned to leave it be. Sage advice.

 

[Mr. Vern]

my wife said my wordplay was average.

that's mean

 

[Cheshire Cat]

Doctor every time I have a cup of tea my eye hurts.

He replied try removing the teaspoon from the cup.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

Doctor I think I’m a kleptomaniac

He said, have you taken anything for it.

 

[balrog]

 

[Cheshire Cat]

I thought he was Rough Diamond until his act was polished.

 

[balrog]

 

[hilljack13]

I can relate...

Brew on

Same...I am my only fan....wait, that didn't come out right...neither did that!

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Most people recognize the name Karl Marx, but few realize he had a sister named Onya.


She was an Olympic runner, and she is mentioned at the start of every race.

 

[Broothru]

You're just being a brat

Never sausage a thing.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

The older I get, the more I regret all the people l've lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

 

[AkTom]

What do you call a cow that plays the guitar???


A moo-cician.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

The answer is 1.5.
What is the question?

When introducing himself, how many times will James Bond say his own name?