Stupid Joke Thread!
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Help Support Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum:
Ummm, I have a question....
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Ah, a death tax. Or a stupidity tax.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should've known, there were red flags everywhere
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I thought I'd post a salty joke, then I thought, "Na, people won't get it."
Cl-assy.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees.
The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
"That's one too many!" says the customer.
The clerk replies "It's a freebie"
The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
"That's one too many!" says the customer.
The clerk replies "It's a freebie"
When should single men put on a condom?
In every conceivable situation.
In every conceivable situation.
My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.'
'What's that?', she said.
'It's a big building with kids in it.'
'What's that?', she said.
'It's a big building with kids in it.'
Last night in bed, my wife kept saying “I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein and I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings”
She’s Tolkien in her sleep again.
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A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together...
The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, "Merry Christmas, hun! Don't get up, I have a surprise for you - as your first Christmas present, I'm going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed... Eggs Benedict!""Wow, great!" says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.
A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict - fresh and steaming hot on a plate.
The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he's never seen before. Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.
"This is wonderful, darling!" the husband says, "But what's with the fancy plate, did you get it special for today?"
"Of course I did," beams the wife, "it's Christmas!..."
"... There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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so wanted to post this in the begginer's sub-topic....
but knew i'd get it deleted there! was reminded of this thread, thought it'd be more fitting....
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So a guy goes to the supermarket for some apple juice to make hooch, wants a 10 gallon batch. they only have 6 gallons of the cheap stuff, figure F'IT...i'll add water to top up, and use some extract, pure cane type to get the gravity i want...
now this guy isn't total loser! he has 4lb's of baker's yeast, but fins a pack of premier blanc in the fridge along with a pack of 05...says hell happy yeast make happy alcohol, and who doesn't want a friend to play with! pitches both!
Wonders, is this a sign, from his doctor, or god?
but knew i'd get it deleted there! was reminded of this thread, thought it'd be more fitting....
-------------
So a guy goes to the supermarket for some apple juice to make hooch, wants a 10 gallon batch. they only have 6 gallons of the cheap stuff, figure F'IT...i'll add water to top up, and use some extract, pure cane type to get the gravity i want...
now this guy isn't total loser! he has 4lb's of baker's yeast, but fins a pack of premier blanc in the fridge along with a pack of 05...says hell happy yeast make happy alcohol, and who doesn't want a friend to play with! pitches both!
Wonders, is this a sign, from his doctor, or god?
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pvtpublic
Whale Oil Beef Hooked
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My thoughts exactly haha
yoou're right, for some reason it just seemed like a joke at the time....
(you did just give a good idea for next time, buy a bunch of Frozen AJ conc, instead of the table sugar...!)
I asked my dog what 2 minus 2 was.
He said nothing.
He said nothing.
Man at fast food drive through: "You guys got a creepy old lady soliciting sex for a junior bacon cheeseburger with no lettuce or tomato".
Window attendant: "Oh, I'm so sorry, sir! I'll let my manager know! Can I take your order?"
Man: "I'll have a junior bacon cheeseburger with no lettuce or tomato"
Window attendant: "Oh, I'm so sorry, sir! I'll let my manager know! Can I take your order?"
Man: "I'll have a junior bacon cheeseburger with no lettuce or tomato"
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A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barrelling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief,
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"
As he was getting out, a truck came barrelling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief,
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"
Q: What do you call a magician that has lost his magic
A: Ian
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local tavern, but it's a 45 minute walk from the tavern to my house.
The difference is staggering!
A: Ian
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local tavern, but it's a 45 minute walk from the tavern to my house.
The difference is staggering!
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An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
What did the king name the knight he didn't need?
Sir Plus
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I wasn't able to make reservations at the library.
They were completely booked.
They were completely booked.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
answer: bison
answer: bison
My son's favorite:
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
The pee is silent.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
The pee is silent.
The doctor told me my wife didn’t make it and handed me a newborn baby…
I gave it back and told him to give me the one my wife did make.
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Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
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