Need advice on my wife.

[RealFloopyGuy]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see this on my initial read through. You want to have a child with your wife, but you don't want to reduce your alcohol consumption for her? Do you not see the problem with this?

She didn't say anything about reducing alcohol consumption or even that I was drinking too much. She said she didn't like it when I drank at all. I feel comfortable with my current levels.

 

[reinstone]

Drinking and war movies don't mix.

 

[kombat]

[A bunch of great advice]

CreamyGoodness said it better than I could have, there's a lot of great stuff in there.

Like the others, I picked up on several red flags in your posts. Such as "drinking to forget" stuff, or drinking to feel better, or hiding out in your "gun room" and drinking while watching old war movies. That sounds a little creepy.

Either you love your wife and would do anything for her, or you view her as attacking your independence and are rebelling, like a child. If you love her, then listen to her (REALLY listen to her), reach a compromise, and move forward as a stronger couple. If you feel like she's a nag who's dragging you down, and you drink to forget how much her nagging bothers you, then this is no longer a healthy relationship - for either of you - and you need to start working on an exit plan for both of your benefit.

 

[geckholm]

Nonsense. You will no longer have as much time to drink or brew. When you go out to dinners/people's houses you have to go home earlier. This even starts when she's preggers.

It's actually hard for me to get drunk these days. I need to schedule nights out wiht buddies to do so.

Seriously, knock her up. Kids solve all your relationship problems. I can help you if you need it.

If your already depending on alcohol to relax....when the kids are 7ish? the kid type problems start kicking in, little kids a lot of little problems, big kids, less frequent (hopefully) but larger problems. Then that relaxing beer starts sounding really good.....hit the gym instead.

 

[PistolsAtDawn]

There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.

She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?

Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.

 

[geckholm]

There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.

She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?

Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.

Great point, or if you talk about brewing a lot...maybe she doesn't want to hear so much about it.

Been happily married for 20 years + 7 years of dating, 3 kids, one of the best things I've learned is when to just shut-up.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Please, read these words of yours aloud.



Was it harder to hear those things aloud than I was to type them?

You seem like a great guy. Please don't take me the wrong way, but it needs to be said. Every one of those is a sign pointing towards alcohol dependence.

For what its worth, I think you made an awesome choice marrying this woman. It sounds like she thinks the world of you, whether you think she shows it or not. It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up and say what she said, and I don't think she meant to hurt you.

I hope you can find the patience and resolve to sit down and calmly talk this out with her.

I wrote all those things, how can I have a hard time hearing them? I was like that before I ever had my first drink. Except the muscle spasms thing, that is from having a piece of metal go through my chest about 7 years ago.

Why do you drink beer? If it isn't to make you feel happy and glowy inside? I drink different beers for the taste, but if it didn't have alcohol in it, how many people would drink imperial stouts? I notice there aren't many hop flavored milkshakes.

I collect guns, why highlight that part? Man cave always sounded kinda funny to me. The walls are covered in 1800s, WW1, WW2 guns and collectibles. It's my gun room, and its where I go when I want to be alone. It isn't like I am sitting in there stroking a AR, crying, and rocking in my chair yelling "WES GONNA GET EM, OHHHH LORD YES.. WES GONNA GET EM BESSIE." Though, I should do that and see how the wife responds haha.


She is a good wife. That isn't the problem. I married her because she is stable and I love her. I will talk to her about it when she gets home in a calm manner.

As far as a drinking problem, maybe. I'd assume almost everyone here would be labeled an alcoholic according to someone. What is the rule now? More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Agreed, this appears to be going nowhere.

Floopy, I don't want to sound like a jerk (and now I probably will) but I have been with my wife for about 15 years now. If she brings something like this up, then I know I have crossed a threshold that I shouldn't have. Trust me, every guy wants to think he is in complete control of his life, but in a marriage that just isn't true. Everything you do is a compromise and should be treated as such. It sounds harsh, but it really isn't. I would be miserable without my wife. Sometimes I feel miserable with her, but I know the good far outweighs the bad and I make little adjustments here and there to keep the peace.

I would be lying if I said that my drinking is always in check. I have bad weeks where I drink almost every day. I recognize it before she says anything and react accordingly, but I can tell she is thinking it.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this. You may find that there is an easy peaceful way to resolve this, or you may find yourself loading that last proverbial box in the U-Haul. It's up to you to decide though.

There is nothing jerky about that. Thank you for the luck. Find out tonight.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

I'll second the sage advice given that the key to a successful marriage is communication and compromise.

As someone who's been happily married for 17 years, I can attest that sacrificing on occasion is the only way you can expect your wife to sacrifice on occasion.

A successful marriage is not about control, it's about two people agreeing to focus themselves on shared priorities and goals. If you and your wife cannot agree on your priorities and goals, you are going to have a tough time staying married.

Speaking of staying married, you may want to think very carefully about whether you two should be married. An avid homebrewer who admittedly self-medicates with alcohol does not sound like a good match for a teetotaler who doesn't enjoy going to bars. Please don't be afraid to admit that you may not be the best partners for each other. Neither of you will be doing the other a favor by staying together if you both aren't 100% committed. And for god sakes don't drag any children into the mix - that'd be like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Finally, man to man, I have to say that any husband who seriously states he would chose drinking over his marriage should not be married. If that statement was anything more than hyperbole - man up and set the poor girl free. Let her find someone who values her more than a buzz.

Good luck to the both of you. Sorry to be blunt, but you did ask for it.

We are very alike in some ways and very different in others. I spend more time in my gun room reading books than I do anything else to be honest. I am a reserved and quiet person. Reading is probably just another self medication though.

It wasn't about drinking, it was about being controlled. If it had been about collecting guns, I would of been the same way about it. Why would you let someone arbitrarily tell you what to do without reason?

I don't get my feelings hurt. I posted it here because I wanted to bounce my thoughts off other people. I sincerely thank all of you for your input.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

not to make too broad a judgement (or judgement about broads), sometimes these topics can be brought up due to other things going on. Does she perchance have a coworker/friend who just lost someone to alcoholism? She seems to come from a non drinking background. I would sit down with her and talk through all of her concerns about drinking. Find out what exactly is bothering her. It is not always as straight forward as you may think. Have a discussion with her about everything about it without judgement or arguing and let her have her say before you try to placate her. It is no use trying to solve a problem that you do not know everything about.

Then again. This is a web forum. Everyone is an expert here so take/disregard our opinions with a grain of salt. And remember. Opinions are like A-holes. Everyone has got one, and everybodys but mine stinks.

It may very well be something like that. I hadn't been drinking and there had been no incident. I was mostly making a joke about brewing during the apocalypse when she brought it up. I wasn't going to yell at her or anything, but we have to get it out in the open cause it will be in my head otherwise.

The other day my neice told me "I want to study abroad." She wants to jump that boy band One Direction. How could I reply with anything but "I've studied a broad... or two. "

 

[t_met]

I'm not sure if I can add more than what the others have said.

I get the sense that you feel if it's either her or beer, when it could be that she thinks you drink too much. 10 or 6 beers in one sitting is quite a bit in my opinion. Perhaps she's more concerned about your health than your buzz. So what you're presenting is that you have a wife that is concerned about you, you throw back a 6 pack after a bad day to work, and you're a big guy (potential future health problems). Perhaps its not the amount or frequency, but how you use it as a coping mechanism.

What I've learned from marriage is listening to each other, communicate what you're thinking and find the middle-ground. There is no such thing as setting a precedent. If anything you earned a small amount of credit the next time you compromise, but don't keep score.

Be thankful that your wife is concerned & cares enough about it to bring it up. Holding back and letting something stew would probably divide a couple apart.


I've reread what I posted. I don't know enough to take either side. You seem to be very open & honest to us. Do the same for her. And "try" to listen calmly, it can be difficult when someone is criticizing one of your passions.

 

[broadbill]

I collect guns, why highlight that part? Man cave always sounded kinda funny to me. The walls are covered in 1800s, WW1, WW2 guns and collectibles. It's my gun room, and its where I go when I want to be alone. It isn't like I am sitting in there stroking a AR, crying, and rocking in my chair yelling "WES GONNA GET EM, OHHHH LORD YES.. WES GONNA GET EM BESSIE." Though, I should do that and see how the wife responds haha.

I don't think its that you have a gun room, it was more of the fact that you spend so much time there, watched movies by yourself, etc., and drinking. I think that struck people as somewhat odd.

She is a good wife. That isn't the problem. I married her because she is stable and I love her. I will talk to her about it when she gets home in a calm manner.

Now see, I get the weirdness vibe from you again....you married her because she is stable? Sorry, that's just an odd thing to mention, of all the reasons you could come up with to marry someone.

As far as a drinking problem, maybe. I'd assume almost everyone here would be labeled an alcoholic according to someone. What is the rule now? More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?

Again, its not the number of beers...its how you describe why/how you drink as many as you do. Thadius856 really nailed it on the head with all of the hints.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Im not crawling up your @ss here Floopy, but am I correct in assuming you lived alone for a very long time before you met her?

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

If your already depending on alcohol to relax....when the kids are 7ish? the kid type problems start kicking in, little kids a lot of little problems, big kids, less frequent (hopefully) but larger problems. Then that relaxing beer starts sounding really good.....hit the gym instead.

lol. When I was 16, my sisters husband went to jail and my sister moved home with her baby. I spent a lot of time taking care of the baby and all over the next two years and I moved out when I was 18. My sister and the rest of the family didn't get along very well so my sister moved to IL to stay with me. She wasn't a very good mother at the time to be honest, and I took care my niece most of the time til she was old enough to go to school. It was some of the better times of my life watching that little girl grow up. If I hadn't of mostly raised her in the first 4-5 years of her life, I doubt I would even consider having kids.

 

[Homercidal]

More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?

From Wikipedia:

Binge drinking is defined as episodic excessive drinking.[7] There is currently no world wide consensus on how many drinks constitute a "binge", but in the US, the term is often taken to mean consuming five or more standard drinks (male), or four or more drinks (female), on one occasion.[10][11] One definition states that 5 drinks for men and 4 drinks for women must be consumed on one occasion at least once in a two-week period for it to be classed as binge drinking.[12] This is colloquially known as the "5/4 definition", and depending on the source the timeframe can vary.

The question isn't whether we think you drink too much, but whether your wife thinks you drink too much. I'm sure you couldn't care any less what the people here think about your drinking habits. You should care what she thinks.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.

She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?

Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.

I just know it bothered me because it sounded like she was telling me what to do. That was the whole point in posting here about it, it just helps to work through it in my head and decide what I am going to do. I know I am not going to yell at her or fight with her, but if there is a problem it needs to be addressed one way or another. Ignoring it would just kick the can further down the road.

Maybe she wants a new purse, who knows. Ill find out in a couple hours.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

I don't think its that you have a gun room, it was more of the fact that you spend so much time there, watched movies by yourself, etc., and drinking. I think that struck people as somewhat odd.




Now see, I get the weirdness vibe from you again....you married her because she is stable? Sorry, that's just an odd thing to mention, of all the reasons you could come up with to marry someone.



Again, its not the number of beers...its how you describe why/how you drink as many as you do. Thadius856 really nailed it on the head with all of the hints.

I guess I don't see why enjoying being alone would be odd? What does it matter if you watch movies, brew beer, clean guns, drink beers by yourself? Sometimes I like to focus in on particular things, its hard to do that with someone else.

Being stable is a very important aspect of a relationship, isn't it?

I am weird, I won't deny that. I am also pretty sick these last 3-4 days, and maybe we just communicated badly yesterday because of it.

 

[Darwin18]

Maybe she wants a new purse, who knows. Ill find out in a couple hours.

I've never had my wife ask for a new purse or really any other item by starting off telling me that I have a drinking problem.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Im not crawling up your @ss here Floopy, but am I correct in assuming you lived alone for a very long time before you met her?

No. When I moved out at 18, my sister followed shortly after with her infant. Then about the time they moved out a friend of mine got his by a car and it scrambled him up real bad and they put him in a nursing home. I got him out and he lived with me for 4 years or so til he relearned how to cope with life and about that time my wife moved in. I might of lived alone for 6 months out of my life. Maybe I should I tried living alone more lol. That being said, I have always been a pretty reserved person.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

I've never had my wife ask for a new purse or really any other item by starting off telling me that I have a drinking problem.

lol. How does she do it?

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Well, I am going to go take a steam shower and try to get my congestion cleared up before she gets here. I'll drop back by and let everyone know what happened.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

No. When I moved out at 18, my sister followed shortly after with her infant. Then about the time they moved out a friend of mine got his by a car and it scrambled him up real bad and they put him in a nursing home. I got him out and he lived with me for 4 years or so til he relearned how to cope with life and about that time my wife moved in. I might of lived alone for 6 months out of my life. Maybe I should I tried living alone more lol. That being said, I have always been a pretty reserved person.

*DISLAIMER!! I AM NOT NOT NOT SAYING THAT SINGLE MOTHERS, KIDS OR THOSE WITH SERIOUS PHYSICAL INJURIES ARE NOT PEOPLE*

But I will say that this amounts to the same thing as living alone. Bear with me here. You are used to being in a position of authority in your house. You took care of an infant, you took care of a man with a broken body, and to a certain degree you took care of your sister. All very admirable to be sure.

Your word was law in your house, because they needed you for their very survival. If you stopped being THE responsible one in your house... they were in for a world of hurt on their own.

And then this woman comes into your house and shakes that up. Tells you about something that you do that she doesn't like. If I had had your experiences I would probably feel like you do. Who does she think she is?!

Brohim... get over it.

Unless you marry a woman who is mentally damaged, your days of being the authority figure in your house are OVER. This is rule by committee for the rest of your life.

 

[PistolsAtDawn]

It wasn't about drinking, it was about being controlled. If it had been about collecting guns, I would of been the same way about it. Why would you let someone arbitrarily tell you what to do without reason?

I don't get my feelings hurt. I posted it here because I wanted to bounce my thoughts off other people. I sincerely thank all of you for your input.

I just know it bothered me because it sounded like she was telling me what to do. That was the whole point in posting here about it, it just helps to work through it in my head and decide what I am going to do. I know I am not going to yell at her or fight with her, but if there is a problem it needs to be addressed one way or another. Ignoring it would just kick the can further down the road.

Maybe she wants a new purse, who knows. Ill find out in a couple hours.

Now you're really sounding like me. I'm fiercely independent and don't like being told what to do either. I've caught myself getting really wound up and defensive when this sort of thing happens, whether or not I'm "right" about it.

As an outside observer who isn't emotionally involved in this situation, it's clear to me that she actually has not told you what to do. Rather, she has only communicated a feeling to you. If that feeling elicited a defensive response on your end, well my friend, perhaps there's a reason.

My girlfriend is currently upset with me as I mentioned. The reasons she gave me for this really make little-to-no sense to me, and quite frankly I think she's just being a crazy girl about it (it was about NOT drinking with her on a few occasions if you can believe that).

BUT right or wrong, one way or another, it's more important for me to make her feel like I heard her and that I want to compromise with her rather than win some stupid argument. Unfortunately, even telling her that didn't solve anything. :smack:

 

[PastorofMuppets]

First off there has been some great advice.

Marriage is a carefully orchestrated negotiation of two peoples needs.
It takes years to cultivate it. You are still super new at it, if what I read right that its been 5 years.

Id suggest taking a very calm rational approach and giving the first ground, and not allowing your king of the castle syndrome to kick in.

 

[brewinginnc]

Damn floopy your prob sure set off a touchy subject.

 

[GarageDweller]

I just ditched the bitch myself. Fortunately we were only engaged and not married. I still took a major financial hit ($10's of thousands), but she was on everything i did with the "you do (insert any damn thing i do) too much". turns out she dates other men too much...(i know most of you whipped dudes are going to say thats my fault) A lot of guys on here are very smart and responsible, but I am a little old school in my approach, so i totally see where you're coming from. women today want everything except equality. they gotta have 51% of the shares on everything. you gotta open the door for them, pay the tab and clean the house when you get home. Little by little men have given up what it meant to be the man in a relationship and now we have this new age woman who wants a man to kiss their ass while they tell us how to enjoy the things we've always done. The whole 'swmbo' thing here is funny, but it also shows where most of these guys are coming from. kissing their wifes ass so they can spend $30 of their own money on a farking carboy? are you serious?! my grandfather would be spinning in his grave if he saw the whole "swmbo" movement. I guess things are always changing. Sorry for the seriousness in my post, I suppose I interjected too much of my personal life in this one. :cross:

"Give them an inch they take a yard. Give them a yard they take a mile.
Once a man and twice a child, but everything is just for a while."
-Bob Marley

 

[JUST_BREW_IT]

hopefully she doesn't see this

 

[TyTanium]

...women today want everything except equality. they gotta have 51% of the shares on everything. you gotta open the door for them, pay the tab and clean the house when you get home. Little by little men have given up what it meant to be the man in a relationship and now we have this new age woman who wants a man to kiss their ass while they tell us how to enjoy the things we've always done. ...

Interesting perspective. I consider it a privilege to serve and honor my wife. When I said "I do", I committed to putting her needs above my own. Nothing more manly than that, IMO.

 

[cheezydemon3]

The OP said 10 drinks, you then retreat to a sixer.

Alcohol abuse and drinking instead of addressing problems can manifest in ways which do not have to be yelling or physical.

Quite often the negative behavior could manifest itself in ways that are hurtful to others, but that you aren't even aware of.

You seem to be in denial, and you seem to be unwilling to listen to good advice. Good luck.

 

[Jukas]

A lot of guys on here are very smart and responsible, but I am a little old school in my approach, so i totally see where you're coming from. women today want everything except equality. they gotta have 51% of the shares on everything. you gotta open the door for them, pay the tab and clean the house when you get home. Little by little men have given up what it meant to be the man in a relationship and now we have this new age woman who wants a man to kiss their ass while they tell us how to enjoy the things we've always done.

Maybe you're just interacting with the wrong women? My wife is nothing like that, but it's unreasonable to insist that everything is 100% equal at all times.

Marriage is about sharing your life with someone, not making sure everything is fairsy.