Need advice on my wife.

[CreamyGoodness]

Our work is done here folks. Mind is made up.

Best of luck bro.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Well if you do drink too much a kid should get that under control for at least the first 6-9 months.
Plus a dd for the 9 months before that

Wife makes a pretty poor DD tbh.

 

[ghosthef]

I kind of asked about consumption level when we were driving and she basically said all drinking. I do drink 1 beer sometimes, or share a beer with the food I am cooking. She wasn't telling me I couldn't though. Do you control her on things that way too? I have never told her she can't do something and don't think I ever would. The very idea of telling someone not to do something unless they were intentionally bothering me with it seems pretty control freakish.

I guess is matters if you consider it a control thing. We have been together for 15 years,...and what I did know was that ignoring it wasn't the answer. I don't consider it being controlled. She had a concern and I mitigated it. I've had concerns about her and she listened and addressed them. Like I said,...relationships are tough and take a huge amount of work. If you love her an want to continue then you are going to have to address the drinking issue. I know it's not what you want to hear...but then I'm assuming you're not hear to read what you want...you want to read what is real.

 

[JonM]

The women who live with us know a lot about us - they know stuff we don't know they know, and they know things we dont know about ourselves. Maybe to you, you're just having a few to wind down after a hard day, but maybe to a sober outside observer who watches this, it's different.

Bottom line, you're not going to get the answer from us. Talk to her, find out what she's got on her mind.

 

[b-boy]

Part of this may just be her view of alcohol. Have you ever discussed this with her?

What's her history with it?

You mentioned that you supplied her with her first drink. A person raised around drinking has a very different opinion of drinking than someone raised in a sober household. My parents/grandparent/aunts/uncles/cousins are all tea-tottlers - mostly for religious reasons. To them alcohol is a weakness and is 'bad'. Any drinking is a problem. There was absolutely no alcohol permitted in my home as a child.

My maternal grandfather was an exception. He was a drinker and an alcoholic. He finally stopped drinking in his 30s. My mother's view of alcohol is that any amount is bad. She's never tried it, and she never will. It's a function of her upbringing, and her memories as a child. To her 1 beer is too much, and any drinking will lead to alcoholism.

I still get pangs of guilt if I drink in the vicinity of my parents. I try not to do it.

Maybe that's part of what is going on here? Ask her.

 

[Darwin18]

So a minute later she says something serious. She asks me why I drink all the time. I asked her if she wanted an honest answer, she said yes. I told her it relaxes me, stops my muscle spasms, and makes me feel happy and glowy inside. Then she basically says I drink too much.

I have to agree with your wife on this. If you're drinking regularly to relax or using it to treat a medical problem you might have a problem. I don't know you at all, but there is a big difference between drinking socially and self-medicating.

Women can be funny. Maybe she doesn't like you're drinking too much because it definitely leads to weight gain. Maybe she doesn't like going to bed a regular basis with someone who is drunk? She's obviously concerned and willing to talk to you about it instead of holding it inside and letting it fester. Think about it from her point of view.

She says she doesn't like going on cruises with me because I sit at the bar too much. We have been on a total of 2 cruises. The first one she layed in bed the whole time sea sick, and the second one I only drank one day. I might of had drinks on the other, but I had enough to feel happy that day. I didn't act bad or do anything obnoxious.

Again, I don't know you or your wife, but I do know mine and when we go away for a vacation she wants me to spend time with her. She doesn't want me going to the bar for hours on end and ditching her (that's how she sees it). If she's not well, she probably has an expectation that you're going to be around and she definitely has an expectation that she isn't going to have to take care of you if you drink too much while she's sick!

So I ask her if she means when I get drink til I don't want more. Not falling down, just drunk and ready to go to bed. I don't fall down, I might laugh a lot. I am a big guy, and 10 beers makes me feel decent and is usually where I stop unless I am drinking to forget something. I don't get angry, I don't yell, I have never even acted like I was gonna hit her. I don't think I have ever even yelled at her. She tells me that any time I drink, not just when I am drunk. We have been married for 5+ years and together longer.

Ten beers is not a insignificant amount...Usually 5 or 6 is my limit otherwise I end up with a hangover the next day. I'm definitely not going crazy unless my wife is participating as well - no one wants to sleep next to a drunk when they're sober.

When we got married, I made 20 gallons of beer and cider for the wedding. I was right at the point where I was full blown homebrewing and had 20+ corny kegs and an entire garage of brewing equipment. So it isn't like I just dropped out of the closet and turned into a lush.

I've always wondered about the guys that have 10+ corny kegs. Really, you need 50+ gallons of beer on hand? But that's another topic.

I did have a few beers(6 probably total) at a party 2 weeks ago which she didn't want to go to, and I stopped drinking long before I left. I didn't get drunk and I was sober when I got home.

Again, six is also not an insignificant amount. She obviously didn't want to be there and had to put up with you on top of it. You're not going to win there with her, man!

I mostly drink at home while watching TV or reading.

Are you drinking because you're bored or it's a habit? Excessive beer consumption is not healthy and packs on the pounds. I try to avoid drinking during the week and usually have a few on the weekends. You could go a long way to settling her down if you cut back your consumption to a reasonable amount.

I have been stewing about this all morning and I am really considering telling her to kiss my ass when she gets home but I know that isn't the right thing and like with most issues in a marriage there is two sides. I do need to respond to her on the subject and it isn't likely I will give up drinking.

She didn't tell me I had to stop, she just said she didn't like it. We aren't aggressive people and we don't fight so she probably meant she wants me to stop drinking.

Like you said, she didn't tell you to stop completely. She wants you to curb your drinking, and man I have to agree with her. Your consumption seems high even for a home brewer. If you want to keep the peace cut drinking out of the weekdays and just partake on the weekends. If you're finding it difficult to relax after work try working out or doing something physical. Drinking is not a long term solution to that problem.

Currently, my response in my head is: "I haven't increased my drinking since we got married, I don't go out and cause problems. I haven't changed, and I am not going to. If you can't accept me as I am, then you married the wrong person."

Do any of you have some advice? I don't want to tell her to go to hell, but I really don't like being jacked with.

Sounds like you care more about drinking beer than your wife's thoughts and concerns. Priorities dude!

 

[paulster2626]

Don't listen to paulster, he's Canadian.

And that brings up another interesting point. If she is going into mama-bear mode and making sure, before she has your kid(s) that you are mentally and physically up to the task of being a father, something like how much you drink is going to come into the conversation. Have you had a series of conversations on parenthood?

Nonsense. You will no longer have as much time to drink or brew. When you go out to dinners/people's houses you have to go home earlier. This even starts when she's preggers.

It's actually hard for me to get drunk these days. I need to schedule nights out wiht buddies to do so.

Seriously, knock her up. Kids solve all your relationship problems. I can help you if you need it.

 

[CastleHollow]

She didn't have concerns, she had "I don't like" syndrome. Those aren't the same thing, she couldn't or wouldn't tell me what she didn't like about it when I asked her about it. I wasn't yelling or letting her know I was bewildered that she said that, I was legitimately asking her to find out why. I am going to find out tonight, and if there is an actual reason, fine. If not, then I will basically tell her "noted and filed in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard'."

All women have reasons. To be fair to your wife, it sounds like she may be having a hard time talking to you about things that bother her. You said that you internalize a lot. Be prepared that you might find out her actual reasons, and whether or not you feel that they are material, just remember that they are material to her.

She isn't the government, she doesn't get to just not like things and then I don't get to do them anymore for no reason.

As someone who is 12 years into his second marriage, I can tell you that it's actually the other way around.

 

[Darwin18]

I have been considering it, that is probably why this bothers me so much.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see this on my initial read through. You want to have a child with your wife, but you don't want to reduce your alcohol consumption for her? Do you not see the problem with this?

 

[b-boy]

Nonsense. You will no longer have as much time to drink or brew. When you go out to dinners/people's houses you have to go home earlier. This even starts when she's preggers.

Seriously, knock her up. Kids solve all your relationship problems. I can help you if you need it.

This is true. You're too damn tired to fight - or anything else. Unfortunately, when your kids go away to college all the problems come flooding back. That's why everyone gets divorced in their 50s - after 25 years of marriage.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see this on my initial read through. You want to have a child with your wife, but you don't want to reduce your alcohol consumption for her? Do you not see the problem with this?

Wait a gosh dern minute!

Are you saying that alcohol is NOT the one part hydrogen to the boy on girl is two parts Oxygen in the makin' a baby is like water equation?

Well, if you are, then...

No way in hell I am letting HER see this. She might get some kinda idea that I should help her conceive the next one while sober. And that just ain't no way to plan a family!

 

[thadius856]

Please, read these words of yours aloud.

I told her it relaxes me, stops my muscle spasms, and makes me feel happy and glowy inside.

She says she doesn't like going on cruises with me because I sit at the bar too much.

...when I get drink til I don't want more. Not falling down, just drunk and ready to go to bed. I don't fall down...

...10 beers makes me feel decent and is usually where I stop unless I am drinking to forget something...

...it isn't like I just dropped out of the closet and turned into a lush.

I did have a few beers(6 probably total) at a party ... I didn't get drunk

I mostly drink at home while watching TV or reading...

I have been stewing about this all morning... it isn't likely I will give up drinking.

She didn't tell me I had to stop ... she probably meant she wants me to stop drinking.

I haven't increased my drinking since we got married...

...usually I only drink a 6 pack. I don't drink EVERY week...

I like drinking, and I am not inclined to stop...

If she makes me choose, I guess I won't be married anymore...

Granted, there are weeks I would agree I probably drink too much...

I definitely drank when we got married ...

When we got married I was probably making 10-20 gallons of beer a month ... She had her first drink with me ...

If I am in a bad mood and I drink, I am happy 3-4 beers in and ready to watch something that makes me laugh.

I have a collection of records, and I go sit in my gun room and listen to records and have a beer.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't have my problems and that I don't occasionally drink to relieve tension inside of me ...

... other times I just want to get goofy and stop thinking about it. I doubt there is anyone who doesn't do that occasionally.

She did not give me an ultimatum or tell me to stop drinking ... I think she might focus her life on me too thoroughly.

As far as 6 beers being too much... really?

...my use of alcohol in those instances is generally to loosen up my grip on myself enough to actually go ahead and let whatever happened upset me.

I kind of asked about consumption level when we were driving and she basically said all drinking...

I was on a boat, there wasn't a lot else to do so I went and sat at the piano bar...

Wife makes a pretty poor DD...

Was it harder to hear those things aloud than I was to type them?

You seem like a great guy. Please don't take me the wrong way, but it needs to be said. Every one of those is a sign pointing towards alcohol dependence.

For what its worth, I think you made an awesome choice marrying this woman. It sounds like she thinks the world of you, whether you think she shows it or not. It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up and say what she said, and I don't think she meant to hurt you.

I hope you can find the patience and resolve to sit down and calmly talk this out with her.

 

[forstmeister]

Our work is done here folks. Mind is made up.

Best of luck bro.

Agreed, this appears to be going nowhere.

Floopy, I don't want to sound like a jerk (and now I probably will) but I have been with my wife for about 15 years now. If she brings something like this up, then I know I have crossed a threshold that I shouldn't have. Trust me, every guy wants to think he is in complete control of his life, but in a marriage that just isn't true. Everything you do is a compromise and should be treated as such. It sounds harsh, but it really isn't. I would be miserable without my wife. Sometimes I feel miserable with her, but I know the good far outweighs the bad and I make little adjustments here and there to keep the peace.

I would be lying if I said that my drinking is always in check. I have bad weeks where I drink almost every day. I recognize it before she says anything and react accordingly, but I can tell she is thinking it.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this. You may find that there is an easy peaceful way to resolve this, or you may find yourself loading that last proverbial box in the U-Haul. It's up to you to decide though.

 

[mjdonnelly68]

I'll second the sage advice given that the key to a successful marriage is communication and compromise.

As someone who's been happily married for 17 years, I can attest that sacrificing on occasion is the only way you can expect your wife to sacrifice on occasion.

A successful marriage is not about control, it's about two people agreeing to focus themselves on shared priorities and goals. If you and your wife cannot agree on your priorities and goals, you are going to have a tough time staying married.

Speaking of staying married, you may want to think very carefully about whether you two should be married. An avid homebrewer who admittedly self-medicates with alcohol does not sound like a good match for a teetotaler who doesn't enjoy going to bars. Please don't be afraid to admit that you may not be the best partners for each other. Neither of you will be doing the other a favor by staying together if you both aren't 100% committed. And for god sakes don't drag any children into the mix - that'd be like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Finally, man to man, I have to say that any husband who seriously states he would chose drinking over his marriage should not be married. If that statement was anything more than hyperbole - man up and set the poor girl free. Let her find someone who values her more than a buzz.

Good luck to the both of you. Sorry to be blunt, but you did ask for it.

 

[FourSeasonAngler]

I've scaled back to just weekends and just one or two on those nights. I was up to 3 or 4 a night and it was really hurting my pipeline and bank account since I just can't bring myself to drink anything less than great beer.

My wife was the first to bring it to my attention and she approached it from a health standpoint which really helped to drive the point home. I have little kids, I'd love to be around to watch them grow up and get married, have kids of their own, and decreasing my alcohol intake is a huge health benefit that I can't even lie to myself about.

Beer is a wonderful part of my life, I enjoy brewing, drinking, and sharing with others, but it should be enjoyed in moderation. I have a history of alcoholism in my family so being able to make sound decisions about my drinking habits and being honest with myself about them is a very re-assuring prospect.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

I have to agree with your wife on this. If you're drinking regularly to relax or using it to treat a medical problem you might have a problem. I don't know you at all, but there is a big difference between drinking socially and self-medicating.

Women can be funny. Maybe she doesn't like you're drinking too much because it definitely leads to weight gain. Maybe she doesn't like going to bed a regular basis with someone who is drunk? She's obviously concerned and willing to talk to you about it instead of holding it inside and letting it fester. Think about it from her point of view.



Again, I don't know you or your wife, but I do know mine and when we go away for a vacation she wants me to spend time with her. She doesn't want me going to the bar for hours on end and ditching her (that's how she sees it). If she's not well, she probably has an expectation that you're going to be around and she definitely has an expectation that she isn't going to have to take care of you if you drink too much while she's sick!



Ten beers is not a insignificant amount...Usually 5 or 6 is my limit otherwise I end up with a hangover the next day. I'm definitely not going crazy unless my wife is participating as well - no one wants to sleep next to a drunk when they're sober.



I've always wondered about the guys that have 10+ corny kegs. Really, you need 50+ gallons of beer on hand? But that's another topic.



Again, six is also not an insignificant amount. She obviously didn't want to be there and had to put up with you on top of it. You're not going to win there with her, man!



Are you drinking because you're bored or it's a habit? Excessive beer consumption is not healthy and packs on the pounds. I try to avoid drinking during the week and usually have a few on the weekends. You could go a long way to settling her down if you cut back your consumption to a reasonable amount.



Like you said, she didn't tell you to stop completely. She wants you to curb your drinking, and man I have to agree with her. Your consumption seems high even for a home brewer. If you want to keep the peace cut drinking out of the weekdays and just partake on the weekends. If you're finding it difficult to relax after work try working out or doing something physical. Drinking is not a long term solution to that problem.



Sounds like you care more about drinking beer than your wife's thoughts and concerns. Priorities dude!

The relaxing thing is my shoulders/chest muscles. I got hurt very badly about 7 years ago and they lobster cracked me because I had a piece of metal through my chest and it caught the bottom of my heart. Heart is good as new, but there were some muscle issues after that are honestly much better and still getting better. I prefer not to take pills for it. It does bother me more when I am feeling stressed too.

I don't drink on weekdays. Going to work hungover isn't very fun. Also, when I say 6 beers, I am talking 6 5% 12oz beers. Just throwing that out there. Im not hammering back 6 20 ounce pints of 12% barley wine when I say that. I am used to talking to people who don't drink anything but Budweiser, so I when I say beer it is a calculation of alcohol and ounces and then how many American strength beers I am talking about.

On work days, I restore guns. I have quite a collection and I have some that are so bad they are useless/worthless as is. I refinish stocks and metal a lot. I have hobbies. I even had a full hydroponic garden going for a while.

I go to the flea market on the weekends and auctions. I had 10 glass carboys and a garage full of cornys, boxes of regulators, a corny soda machine(8 kegs, 20# co2, regulator, 100 bucks), all kinds of stuff. What happened was I let the market folk know what I was looking for and whenever they saw something they let me know. I bought the cornys for around $10 usually and the carboys for $5. I bought an entire regulator with 8 outs for like $5. A nitro stout fauctet(sam adams cream stout) for $1. At some point I moved from brewing to hydroponics and sold most of it. I kept a couple carboys, a couple regulators, cappers, the nitro stout, 3 20# co2s, and some misc stuff. I actually made money on my beer hobby when I sold it because I had converted a couple chest freezers to kegerators (I actually changed the thermostat instead of using a controller) If someone had 100 cornys for 5 or 10 bucks a piece, you'd buy them all, right? Over the couple years I was collecting equipment I ended up with a LOT. I probably only ever used 3 of them. I wish I had kept a couple, they seem harder to find now.

Ill figure it out when she gets home, and I will let everyone know whats up with her.

 

[reinstone]

Are you ****ing nuts?

Yeah....don't do that. Kids make it a lot harder....turned me into a dad and my wife into a saint!

 

[DrunkleJon]

not to make too broad a judgement (or judgement about broads), sometimes these topics can be brought up due to other things going on. Does she perchance have a coworker/friend who just lost someone to alcoholism? She seems to come from a non drinking background. I would sit down with her and talk through all of her concerns about drinking. Find out what exactly is bothering her. It is not always as straight forward as you may think. Have a discussion with her about everything about it without judgement or arguing and let her have her say before you try to placate her. It is no use trying to solve a problem that you do not know everything about.

Then again. This is a web forum. Everyone is an expert here so take/disregard our opinions with a grain of salt. And remember. Opinions are like A-holes. Everyone has got one, and everybodys but mine stinks.

 

[Homercidal]

There are two related ways to think about what was said:

1) You think she expects you to change who you are suddenly. Why? Because she should have known you were a heavy drinker when she met you. Now she wants you to cut back/quit.

2) You knew she was against alcohol, at least to a point, when you met her. You said you gave her her first drink. And apparently drinking 6-10 beers on the average weekend is something she doesn't like. Is this somehow a new thing? Or did you not notice she wasn't thrilled with that kind of drinking previously?

I advise discussing it openly and without getting upset. (It's not always easy to do). It seems as though you have a difference in opinion on how much is too much. You may see this as her trying to control you, but I highly doubt that's the case. Usually there are other things driving this kind of behaviour. It sounds as though you two don't *talk* about things very much. You drink to relief stress instead of talking to her. She probably feels she can't talk to you about things or you'll get upset and start drinking.

6-10 beers at a time seems like an awful lot. I have 1-2 a night, maybe 3 a whole day on the weekend. Even for a big guy 6-10 beers is binge drinking. I can kind of see her point, although TBH I think there are underlying or even subconscious reasons for her wanting you to quit or cut back. If you talk to her and allow her to express her feelings, you may find that she doesn't actually want you to quit, but you may find something else to worry about. Hopefully it will make your relationship even stronger, even if one or both of you have to compromise in some way.

 

[Jukas]

As far as 6 beers being too much... really? 6 beers isn't an acceptable friday afternoon after work special? I think I quantified the 10 beer statement with it being relatively rare and the 6 beer being the normal upper limit of my drinking. How often do all of you drink 6 beers in an evening?

I guess it depends on who you ask. To you it's obviously acceptable, to your wife it isn't. I never drink 6 beers in an evening anymore.. I don't think I've had a time when I've consumed six beers across an entire day/evening in the last 2 years. Then again I have a 2yr old son, and I couldn't function at a level I consider acceptable if I consumed that many drinks.

A normal weekend may have 1-2 beers spaced out over a 3-4 hour period, usually after 5pm but not always. I think the last time I had more than 2 in any given day was at the superbowl when I had 3 over the course of the game.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see this on my initial read through. You want to have a child with your wife, but you don't want to reduce your alcohol consumption for her? Do you not see the problem with this?

She didn't say anything about reducing alcohol consumption or even that I was drinking too much. She said she didn't like it when I drank at all. I feel comfortable with my current levels.

 

[reinstone]

Drinking and war movies don't mix.

 

[kombat]

[A bunch of great advice]

CreamyGoodness said it better than I could have, there's a lot of great stuff in there.

Like the others, I picked up on several red flags in your posts. Such as "drinking to forget" stuff, or drinking to feel better, or hiding out in your "gun room" and drinking while watching old war movies. That sounds a little creepy.

Either you love your wife and would do anything for her, or you view her as attacking your independence and are rebelling, like a child. If you love her, then listen to her (REALLY listen to her), reach a compromise, and move forward as a stronger couple. If you feel like she's a nag who's dragging you down, and you drink to forget how much her nagging bothers you, then this is no longer a healthy relationship - for either of you - and you need to start working on an exit plan for both of your benefit.

 

[geckholm]

Nonsense. You will no longer have as much time to drink or brew. When you go out to dinners/people's houses you have to go home earlier. This even starts when she's preggers.

It's actually hard for me to get drunk these days. I need to schedule nights out wiht buddies to do so.

Seriously, knock her up. Kids solve all your relationship problems. I can help you if you need it.

If your already depending on alcohol to relax....when the kids are 7ish? the kid type problems start kicking in, little kids a lot of little problems, big kids, less frequent (hopefully) but larger problems. Then that relaxing beer starts sounding really good.....hit the gym instead.

 

[PistolsAtDawn]

There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.

She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?

Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.

 

[geckholm]

There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.

She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?

Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.

Great point, or if you talk about brewing a lot...maybe she doesn't want to hear so much about it.

Been happily married for 20 years + 7 years of dating, 3 kids, one of the best things I've learned is when to just shut-up.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Please, read these words of yours aloud.



Was it harder to hear those things aloud than I was to type them?

You seem like a great guy. Please don't take me the wrong way, but it needs to be said. Every one of those is a sign pointing towards alcohol dependence.

For what its worth, I think you made an awesome choice marrying this woman. It sounds like she thinks the world of you, whether you think she shows it or not. It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up and say what she said, and I don't think she meant to hurt you.

I hope you can find the patience and resolve to sit down and calmly talk this out with her.

I wrote all those things, how can I have a hard time hearing them? I was like that before I ever had my first drink. Except the muscle spasms thing, that is from having a piece of metal go through my chest about 7 years ago.

Why do you drink beer? If it isn't to make you feel happy and glowy inside? I drink different beers for the taste, but if it didn't have alcohol in it, how many people would drink imperial stouts? I notice there aren't many hop flavored milkshakes.

I collect guns, why highlight that part? Man cave always sounded kinda funny to me. The walls are covered in 1800s, WW1, WW2 guns and collectibles. It's my gun room, and its where I go when I want to be alone. It isn't like I am sitting in there stroking a AR, crying, and rocking in my chair yelling "WES GONNA GET EM, OHHHH LORD YES.. WES GONNA GET EM BESSIE." Though, I should do that and see how the wife responds haha.


She is a good wife. That isn't the problem. I married her because she is stable and I love her. I will talk to her about it when she gets home in a calm manner.

As far as a drinking problem, maybe. I'd assume almost everyone here would be labeled an alcoholic according to someone. What is the rule now? More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Agreed, this appears to be going nowhere.

Floopy, I don't want to sound like a jerk (and now I probably will) but I have been with my wife for about 15 years now. If she brings something like this up, then I know I have crossed a threshold that I shouldn't have. Trust me, every guy wants to think he is in complete control of his life, but in a marriage that just isn't true. Everything you do is a compromise and should be treated as such. It sounds harsh, but it really isn't. I would be miserable without my wife. Sometimes I feel miserable with her, but I know the good far outweighs the bad and I make little adjustments here and there to keep the peace.

I would be lying if I said that my drinking is always in check. I have bad weeks where I drink almost every day. I recognize it before she says anything and react accordingly, but I can tell she is thinking it.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this. You may find that there is an easy peaceful way to resolve this, or you may find yourself loading that last proverbial box in the U-Haul. It's up to you to decide though.

There is nothing jerky about that. Thank you for the luck. Find out tonight.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

I'll second the sage advice given that the key to a successful marriage is communication and compromise.

As someone who's been happily married for 17 years, I can attest that sacrificing on occasion is the only way you can expect your wife to sacrifice on occasion.

A successful marriage is not about control, it's about two people agreeing to focus themselves on shared priorities and goals. If you and your wife cannot agree on your priorities and goals, you are going to have a tough time staying married.

Speaking of staying married, you may want to think very carefully about whether you two should be married. An avid homebrewer who admittedly self-medicates with alcohol does not sound like a good match for a teetotaler who doesn't enjoy going to bars. Please don't be afraid to admit that you may not be the best partners for each other. Neither of you will be doing the other a favor by staying together if you both aren't 100% committed. And for god sakes don't drag any children into the mix - that'd be like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Finally, man to man, I have to say that any husband who seriously states he would chose drinking over his marriage should not be married. If that statement was anything more than hyperbole - man up and set the poor girl free. Let her find someone who values her more than a buzz.

Good luck to the both of you. Sorry to be blunt, but you did ask for it.

We are very alike in some ways and very different in others. I spend more time in my gun room reading books than I do anything else to be honest. I am a reserved and quiet person. Reading is probably just another self medication though.

It wasn't about drinking, it was about being controlled. If it had been about collecting guns, I would of been the same way about it. Why would you let someone arbitrarily tell you what to do without reason?

I don't get my feelings hurt. I posted it here because I wanted to bounce my thoughts off other people. I sincerely thank all of you for your input.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

not to make too broad a judgement (or judgement about broads), sometimes these topics can be brought up due to other things going on. Does she perchance have a coworker/friend who just lost someone to alcoholism? She seems to come from a non drinking background. I would sit down with her and talk through all of her concerns about drinking. Find out what exactly is bothering her. It is not always as straight forward as you may think. Have a discussion with her about everything about it without judgement or arguing and let her have her say before you try to placate her. It is no use trying to solve a problem that you do not know everything about.

Then again. This is a web forum. Everyone is an expert here so take/disregard our opinions with a grain of salt. And remember. Opinions are like A-holes. Everyone has got one, and everybodys but mine stinks.

It may very well be something like that. I hadn't been drinking and there had been no incident. I was mostly making a joke about brewing during the apocalypse when she brought it up. I wasn't going to yell at her or anything, but we have to get it out in the open cause it will be in my head otherwise.

The other day my neice told me "I want to study abroad." She wants to jump that boy band One Direction. How could I reply with anything but "I've studied a broad... or two. "

 

[t_met]

I'm not sure if I can add more than what the others have said.

I get the sense that you feel if it's either her or beer, when it could be that she thinks you drink too much. 10 or 6 beers in one sitting is quite a bit in my opinion. Perhaps she's more concerned about your health than your buzz. So what you're presenting is that you have a wife that is concerned about you, you throw back a 6 pack after a bad day to work, and you're a big guy (potential future health problems). Perhaps its not the amount or frequency, but how you use it as a coping mechanism.

What I've learned from marriage is listening to each other, communicate what you're thinking and find the middle-ground. There is no such thing as setting a precedent. If anything you earned a small amount of credit the next time you compromise, but don't keep score.

Be thankful that your wife is concerned & cares enough about it to bring it up. Holding back and letting something stew would probably divide a couple apart.


I've reread what I posted. I don't know enough to take either side. You seem to be very open & honest to us. Do the same for her. And "try" to listen calmly, it can be difficult when someone is criticizing one of your passions.

 

[broadbill]

I collect guns, why highlight that part? Man cave always sounded kinda funny to me. The walls are covered in 1800s, WW1, WW2 guns and collectibles. It's my gun room, and its where I go when I want to be alone. It isn't like I am sitting in there stroking a AR, crying, and rocking in my chair yelling "WES GONNA GET EM, OHHHH LORD YES.. WES GONNA GET EM BESSIE." Though, I should do that and see how the wife responds haha.

I don't think its that you have a gun room, it was more of the fact that you spend so much time there, watched movies by yourself, etc., and drinking. I think that struck people as somewhat odd.

She is a good wife. That isn't the problem. I married her because she is stable and I love her. I will talk to her about it when she gets home in a calm manner.

Now see, I get the weirdness vibe from you again....you married her because she is stable? Sorry, that's just an odd thing to mention, of all the reasons you could come up with to marry someone.

As far as a drinking problem, maybe. I'd assume almost everyone here would be labeled an alcoholic according to someone. What is the rule now? More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?

Again, its not the number of beers...its how you describe why/how you drink as many as you do. Thadius856 really nailed it on the head with all of the hints.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Im not crawling up your @ss here Floopy, but am I correct in assuming you lived alone for a very long time before you met her?

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

If your already depending on alcohol to relax....when the kids are 7ish? the kid type problems start kicking in, little kids a lot of little problems, big kids, less frequent (hopefully) but larger problems. Then that relaxing beer starts sounding really good.....hit the gym instead.

lol. When I was 16, my sisters husband went to jail and my sister moved home with her baby. I spent a lot of time taking care of the baby and all over the next two years and I moved out when I was 18. My sister and the rest of the family didn't get along very well so my sister moved to IL to stay with me. She wasn't a very good mother at the time to be honest, and I took care my niece most of the time til she was old enough to go to school. It was some of the better times of my life watching that little girl grow up. If I hadn't of mostly raised her in the first 4-5 years of her life, I doubt I would even consider having kids.

 

[Homercidal]

More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?

From Wikipedia:

Binge drinking is defined as episodic excessive drinking.[7] There is currently no world wide consensus on how many drinks constitute a "binge", but in the US, the term is often taken to mean consuming five or more standard drinks (male), or four or more drinks (female), on one occasion.[10][11] One definition states that 5 drinks for men and 4 drinks for women must be consumed on one occasion at least once in a two-week period for it to be classed as binge drinking.[12] This is colloquially known as the "5/4 definition", and depending on the source the timeframe can vary.

The question isn't whether we think you drink too much, but whether your wife thinks you drink too much. I'm sure you couldn't care any less what the people here think about your drinking habits. You should care what she thinks.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.

She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?

Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.

I just know it bothered me because it sounded like she was telling me what to do. That was the whole point in posting here about it, it just helps to work through it in my head and decide what I am going to do. I know I am not going to yell at her or fight with her, but if there is a problem it needs to be addressed one way or another. Ignoring it would just kick the can further down the road.

Maybe she wants a new purse, who knows. Ill find out in a couple hours.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

I don't think its that you have a gun room, it was more of the fact that you spend so much time there, watched movies by yourself, etc., and drinking. I think that struck people as somewhat odd.




Now see, I get the weirdness vibe from you again....you married her because she is stable? Sorry, that's just an odd thing to mention, of all the reasons you could come up with to marry someone.



Again, its not the number of beers...its how you describe why/how you drink as many as you do. Thadius856 really nailed it on the head with all of the hints.

I guess I don't see why enjoying being alone would be odd? What does it matter if you watch movies, brew beer, clean guns, drink beers by yourself? Sometimes I like to focus in on particular things, its hard to do that with someone else.

Being stable is a very important aspect of a relationship, isn't it?

I am weird, I won't deny that. I am also pretty sick these last 3-4 days, and maybe we just communicated badly yesterday because of it.

 

[Darwin18]

Maybe she wants a new purse, who knows. Ill find out in a couple hours.

I've never had my wife ask for a new purse or really any other item by starting off telling me that I have a drinking problem.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

Im not crawling up your @ss here Floopy, but am I correct in assuming you lived alone for a very long time before you met her?

No. When I moved out at 18, my sister followed shortly after with her infant. Then about the time they moved out a friend of mine got his by a car and it scrambled him up real bad and they put him in a nursing home. I got him out and he lived with me for 4 years or so til he relearned how to cope with life and about that time my wife moved in. I might of lived alone for 6 months out of my life. Maybe I should I tried living alone more lol. That being said, I have always been a pretty reserved person.

 

[RealFloopyGuy]

I've never had my wife ask for a new purse or really any other item by starting off telling me that I have a drinking problem.

lol. How does she do it?