CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
Our work is done here folks. Mind is made up.
Best of luck bro.
Best of luck bro.
Well if you do drink too much a kid should get that under control for at least the first 6-9 months.
Plus a dd for the 9 months before that
RealFloopyGuy said:I kind of asked about consumption level when we were driving and she basically said all drinking. I do drink 1 beer sometimes, or share a beer with the food I am cooking. She wasn't telling me I couldn't though. Do you control her on things that way too? I have never told her she can't do something and don't think I ever would. The very idea of telling someone not to do something unless they were intentionally bothering me with it seems pretty control freakish.
So a minute later she says something serious. She asks me why I drink all the time. I asked her if she wanted an honest answer, she said yes. I told her it relaxes me, stops my muscle spasms, and makes me feel happy and glowy inside. Then she basically says I drink too much.
She says she doesn't like going on cruises with me because I sit at the bar too much. We have been on a total of 2 cruises. The first one she layed in bed the whole time sea sick, and the second one I only drank one day. I might of had drinks on the other, but I had enough to feel happy that day. I didn't act bad or do anything obnoxious.
So I ask her if she means when I get drink til I don't want more. Not falling down, just drunk and ready to go to bed. I don't fall down, I might laugh a lot. I am a big guy, and 10 beers makes me feel decent and is usually where I stop unless I am drinking to forget something. I don't get angry, I don't yell, I have never even acted like I was gonna hit her. I don't think I have ever even yelled at her. She tells me that any time I drink, not just when I am drunk. We have been married for 5+ years and together longer.
When we got married, I made 20 gallons of beer and cider for the wedding. I was right at the point where I was full blown homebrewing and had 20+ corny kegs and an entire garage of brewing equipment. So it isn't like I just dropped out of the closet and turned into a lush.
I did have a few beers(6 probably total) at a party 2 weeks ago which she didn't want to go to, and I stopped drinking long before I left. I didn't get drunk and I was sober when I got home.
I mostly drink at home while watching TV or reading.
I have been stewing about this all morning and I am really considering telling her to kiss my ass when she gets home but I know that isn't the right thing and like with most issues in a marriage there is two sides. I do need to respond to her on the subject and it isn't likely I will give up drinking.
She didn't tell me I had to stop, she just said she didn't like it. We aren't aggressive people and we don't fight so she probably meant she wants me to stop drinking.
Currently, my response in my head is: "I haven't increased my drinking since we got married, I don't go out and cause problems. I haven't changed, and I am not going to. If you can't accept me as I am, then you married the wrong person."
Do any of you have some advice? I don't want to tell her to go to hell, but I really don't like being jacked with.
Don't listen to paulster, he's Canadian.
And that brings up another interesting point. If she is going into mama-bear mode and making sure, before she has your kid(s) that you are mentally and physically up to the task of being a father, something like how much you drink is going to come into the conversation. Have you had a series of conversations on parenthood?
She didn't have concerns, she had "I don't like" syndrome. Those aren't the same thing, she couldn't or wouldn't tell me what she didn't like about it when I asked her about it. I wasn't yelling or letting her know I was bewildered that she said that, I was legitimately asking her to find out why. I am going to find out tonight, and if there is an actual reason, fine. If not, then I will basically tell her "noted and filed in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard'."
She isn't the government, she doesn't get to just not like things and then I don't get to do them anymore for no reason.
I have been considering it, that is probably why this bothers me so much.
Nonsense. You will no longer have as much time to drink or brew. When you go out to dinners/people's houses you have to go home earlier. This even starts when she's preggers.
Seriously, knock her up. Kids solve all your relationship problems. I can help you if you need it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see this on my initial read through. You want to have a child with your wife, but you don't want to reduce your alcohol consumption for her? Do you not see the problem with this?
I told her it relaxes me, stops my muscle spasms, and makes me feel happy and glowy inside.
She says she doesn't like going on cruises with me because I sit at the bar too much.
...when I get drink til I don't want more. Not falling down, just drunk and ready to go to bed. I don't fall down...
...10 beers makes me feel decent and is usually where I stop unless I am drinking to forget something...
...it isn't like I just dropped out of the closet and turned into a lush.
I did have a few beers(6 probably total) at a party ... I didn't get drunk
I mostly drink at home while watching TV or reading...
I have been stewing about this all morning... it isn't likely I will give up drinking.
She didn't tell me I had to stop ... she probably meant she wants me to stop drinking.
I haven't increased my drinking since we got married...
...usually I only drink a 6 pack. I don't drink EVERY week...
I like drinking, and I am not inclined to stop...
If she makes me choose, I guess I won't be married anymore...
Granted, there are weeks I would agree I probably drink too much...
I definitely drank when we got married ...
When we got married I was probably making 10-20 gallons of beer a month ... She had her first drink with me ...
If I am in a bad mood and I drink, I am happy 3-4 beers in and ready to watch something that makes me laugh.
I have a collection of records, and I go sit in my gun room and listen to records and have a beer.
I'm not going to lie and say I don't have my problems and that I don't occasionally drink to relieve tension inside of me ...
... other times I just want to get goofy and stop thinking about it. I doubt there is anyone who doesn't do that occasionally.
She did not give me an ultimatum or tell me to stop drinking ... I think she might focus her life on me too thoroughly.
As far as 6 beers being too much... really?
...my use of alcohol in those instances is generally to loosen up my grip on myself enough to actually go ahead and let whatever happened upset me.
I kind of asked about consumption level when we were driving and she basically said all drinking...
I was on a boat, there wasn't a lot else to do so I went and sat at the piano bar...
Wife makes a pretty poor DD...
Our work is done here folks. Mind is made up.
Best of luck bro.
I have to agree with your wife on this. If you're drinking regularly to relax or using it to treat a medical problem you might have a problem. I don't know you at all, but there is a big difference between drinking socially and self-medicating.
Women can be funny. Maybe she doesn't like you're drinking too much because it definitely leads to weight gain. Maybe she doesn't like going to bed a regular basis with someone who is drunk? She's obviously concerned and willing to talk to you about it instead of holding it inside and letting it fester. Think about it from her point of view.
Again, I don't know you or your wife, but I do know mine and when we go away for a vacation she wants me to spend time with her. She doesn't want me going to the bar for hours on end and ditching her (that's how she sees it). If she's not well, she probably has an expectation that you're going to be around and she definitely has an expectation that she isn't going to have to take care of you if you drink too much while she's sick!
Ten beers is not a insignificant amount...Usually 5 or 6 is my limit otherwise I end up with a hangover the next day. I'm definitely not going crazy unless my wife is participating as well - no one wants to sleep next to a drunk when they're sober.
I've always wondered about the guys that have 10+ corny kegs. Really, you need 50+ gallons of beer on hand? But that's another topic.
Again, six is also not an insignificant amount. She obviously didn't want to be there and had to put up with you on top of it. You're not going to win there with her, man!
Are you drinking because you're bored or it's a habit? Excessive beer consumption is not healthy and packs on the pounds. I try to avoid drinking during the week and usually have a few on the weekends. You could go a long way to settling her down if you cut back your consumption to a reasonable amount.
Like you said, she didn't tell you to stop completely. She wants you to curb your drinking, and man I have to agree with her. Your consumption seems high even for a home brewer. If you want to keep the peace cut drinking out of the weekdays and just partake on the weekends. If you're finding it difficult to relax after work try working out or doing something physical. Drinking is not a long term solution to that problem.
Sounds like you care more about drinking beer than your wife's thoughts and concerns. Priorities dude!
Yeah....don't do that. Kids make it a lot harder....turned me into a dad and my wife into a saint!Are you ****ing nuts?
As far as 6 beers being too much... really? 6 beers isn't an acceptable friday afternoon after work special? I think I quantified the 10 beer statement with it being relatively rare and the 6 beer being the normal upper limit of my drinking. How often do all of you drink 6 beers in an evening?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see this on my initial read through. You want to have a child with your wife, but you don't want to reduce your alcohol consumption for her? Do you not see the problem with this?
[A bunch of great advice]
Nonsense. You will no longer have as much time to drink or brew. When you go out to dinners/people's houses you have to go home earlier. This even starts when she's preggers.
It's actually hard for me to get drunk these days. I need to schedule nights out wiht buddies to do so.
Seriously, knock her up. Kids solve all your relationship problems. I can help you if you need it.
There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.
She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?
Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.
Please, read these words of yours aloud.
Was it harder to hear those things aloud than I was to type them?
You seem like a great guy. Please don't take me the wrong way, but it needs to be said. Every one of those is a sign pointing towards alcohol dependence.
For what its worth, I think you made an awesome choice marrying this woman. It sounds like she thinks the world of you, whether you think she shows it or not. It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up and say what she said, and I don't think she meant to hurt you.
I hope you can find the patience and resolve to sit down and calmly talk this out with her.
Agreed, this appears to be going nowhere.
Floopy, I don't want to sound like a jerk (and now I probably will) but I have been with my wife for about 15 years now. If she brings something like this up, then I know I have crossed a threshold that I shouldn't have. Trust me, every guy wants to think he is in complete control of his life, but in a marriage that just isn't true. Everything you do is a compromise and should be treated as such. It sounds harsh, but it really isn't. I would be miserable without my wife. Sometimes I feel miserable with her, but I know the good far outweighs the bad and I make little adjustments here and there to keep the peace.
I would be lying if I said that my drinking is always in check. I have bad weeks where I drink almost every day. I recognize it before she says anything and react accordingly, but I can tell she is thinking it.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this. You may find that there is an easy peaceful way to resolve this, or you may find yourself loading that last proverbial box in the U-Haul. It's up to you to decide though.
I'll second the sage advice given that the key to a successful marriage is communication and compromise.
As someone who's been happily married for 17 years, I can attest that sacrificing on occasion is the only way you can expect your wife to sacrifice on occasion.
A successful marriage is not about control, it's about two people agreeing to focus themselves on shared priorities and goals. If you and your wife cannot agree on your priorities and goals, you are going to have a tough time staying married.
Speaking of staying married, you may want to think very carefully about whether you two should be married. An avid homebrewer who admittedly self-medicates with alcohol does not sound like a good match for a teetotaler who doesn't enjoy going to bars. Please don't be afraid to admit that you may not be the best partners for each other. Neither of you will be doing the other a favor by staying together if you both aren't 100% committed. And for god sakes don't drag any children into the mix - that'd be like throwing gasoline on a fire.
Finally, man to man, I have to say that any husband who seriously states he would chose drinking over his marriage should not be married. If that statement was anything more than hyperbole - man up and set the poor girl free. Let her find someone who values her more than a buzz.
Good luck to the both of you. Sorry to be blunt, but you did ask for it.
not to make too broad a judgement (or judgement about broads), sometimes these topics can be brought up due to other things going on. Does she perchance have a coworker/friend who just lost someone to alcoholism? She seems to come from a non drinking background. I would sit down with her and talk through all of her concerns about drinking. Find out what exactly is bothering her. It is not always as straight forward as you may think. Have a discussion with her about everything about it without judgement or arguing and let her have her say before you try to placate her. It is no use trying to solve a problem that you do not know everything about.
Then again. This is a web forum. Everyone is an expert here so take/disregard our opinions with a grain of salt. And remember. Opinions are like A-holes. Everyone has got one, and everybodys but mine stinks.
I collect guns, why highlight that part? Man cave always sounded kinda funny to me. The walls are covered in 1800s, WW1, WW2 guns and collectibles. It's my gun room, and its where I go when I want to be alone. It isn't like I am sitting in there stroking a AR, crying, and rocking in my chair yelling "WES GONNA GET EM, OHHHH LORD YES.. WES GONNA GET EM BESSIE." Though, I should do that and see how the wife responds haha.
She is a good wife. That isn't the problem. I married her because she is stable and I love her. I will talk to her about it when she gets home in a calm manner.
As far as a drinking problem, maybe. I'd assume almost everyone here would be labeled an alcoholic according to someone. What is the rule now? More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?
If your already depending on alcohol to relax....when the kids are 7ish? the kid type problems start kicking in, little kids a lot of little problems, big kids, less frequent (hopefully) but larger problems. Then that relaxing beer starts sounding really good.....hit the gym instead.
More than 3 beers at a time means you are binge drinking and have a problem?
There has been lots of great advice here, and I urge you to take a step back from yourself and your situation and consider it as objectively as possible. I'm currently in the middle of a mild argument with my girlfriend, and some of what you said reminds me of my situation. So for that reason, I am going to respond to your thread.
She said she didn't like you drinking. She didn't say she had any demands that it change?
Perhaps you've already overblown this in your mind. There could be some specific aspect of the drinking that bothers her rather than the drinking itself. Women like to be cryptic rather than direct sometimes (*blanket statements, I know*). For instance, perhaps she wants you to include her in brewing, or talk to her more, or one of a million reasons that we will never know without speaking directly to her.
I don't think its that you have a gun room, it was more of the fact that you spend so much time there, watched movies by yourself, etc., and drinking. I think that struck people as somewhat odd.
Now see, I get the weirdness vibe from you again....you married her because she is stable? Sorry, that's just an odd thing to mention, of all the reasons you could come up with to marry someone.
Again, its not the number of beers...its how you describe why/how you drink as many as you do. Thadius856 really nailed it on the head with all of the hints.
Maybe she wants a new purse, who knows. Ill find out in a couple hours.
Im not crawling up your @ss here Floopy, but am I correct in assuming you lived alone for a very long time before you met her?
I've never had my wife ask for a new purse or really any other item by starting off telling me that I have a drinking problem.
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