Getting Divorced

[frazier]

A guy goes to the grocery store and buys milk, eggs, and bread. When he puts it on the checkout belt, the girl looks at him, then his food, and back at him. She says to him, "You're single, aren't you?" The guy replies, "Why yes, I am. How did you know?" The girl says back to him, "Because you're ugly."

I went to see my doctor, he says, "You need to lose 50 pounds, I'm putting you on a diet." I said, "I want a second opinion." The doc says, "OK, you're ugly."
~~ or something like that, from Rodney Dangerfield.

 

[Bedlam]

Johnny lived alone with his mother, and one day he came home from school to hear some strange noises from her bedroom. He peeked in through the crack in the door and saw his mom, naked in front of a mirror, running her hands over her body and saying, "OOOoooooOOOoo....mmmmmmmmm...I NEED a man! I NEED a man!"

Johnny thought, "that's pretty weird." but just went outside to play and forgot about it.

The next day, he comes home from school and was tearing up the steps when he again heard strange noises coming from Mom's bedroom. Again, he peeked in and saw the same thing: mom, naked, mirror and moaning pleas for a man. This time, he's a bit more freaked out, but thinking like little kids think, he decided to just go out and play again.

Sure enough, the next day, he races home and hears new and different noises from Mom's bedroom. He very cautiously peeks in and lo and behold! There's mom there with a man!

A lightbulb goes off in Johnny's head.

He takes off for his room, strips down and stands in front of a mirror. Running his hands all over his body, he begins to cry out, "OoooOOOoooo...mmmmmmm.....I NEED a bicycle! I NEED a bicycle!"

 

[TxBrew]

Johnny lived alone with his mother, and one day he came home from school to hear some strange noises from her bedroom. He peeked in through the crack in the door and saw his mom, naked in front of a mirror, running her hands over her body and saying, "OOOoooooOOOoo....mmmmmmmmm...I NEED a man! I NEED a man!"

Johnny thought, "that's pretty weird." but just went outside to play and forgot about it.

The next day, he comes home from school and was tearing up the steps when he again heard strange noises coming from Mom's bedroom. Again, he peeked in and saw the same thing: mom, naked, mirror and moaning pleas for a man. This time, he's a bit more freaked out, but thinking like little kids think, he decided to just go out and play again.

Sure enough, the next day, he races home and hears new and different noises from Mom's bedroom. He very cautiously peeks in and lo and behold! There's mom there with a man!

A lightbulb goes off in Johnny's head.

He takes off for his room, strips down and stands in front of a mirror. Running his hands all over his body, he begins to cry out, "OoooOOOoooo...mmmmmmm.....I NEED a bicycle! I NEED a bicycle!"

I've been doing it for hours, when do I get my bike?

 

[Malticulous]

I hate divorce. Fortunately the only time I've gotten it's aftertaste was as a small child. I wish it could be washed away.
I've got it past my lips once since but thank God I didn't swallow. My wife has only gotten better after I forgave her.

 

[r2eng]

An old man and woman were sitting on a bench at the retirement home.

The old man turns to the old lady and says "Today's my birthday... can you guess how old I am?" The Lady unzips his pants, feels around for a bit and says "86". The stunned old man says "How'd you know?" She relies "You told me yesterday".

 

[TxBrew]

I've been doing it for hours, when do I get my bike?

Look, I don't know who was supposed to send me a bike, but my chest is getting all red. This is ridiculous.

 

[azscoob]

"Women are like tile floors, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years"

 

[neovox]

Get laid. It will make you feel better about the whole thing. Thats what I did after me and my first wife divorced.

This made me think of a friend who as been known to say, the best way to get over a girl is to get under one.

 

[MaineLotus]

This made me think of a friend who as been known to say, the best way to get over a girl is to get under one.

 

[Bedlam]

I've been doing it for hours, when do I get my bike?

Talk to yer mama. But I'd wait until Gnomey's done with her first.

 

[jpc]

Look, I don't know who was supposed to send me a bike, but my chest is getting all red. This is ridiculous.

It'll turn white soon...

 

[MeadWitch]

"Women are like tile floors, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years"

Excuse me??

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Talk to yer mama. But I'd wait until Gnomey's done with her first.

I'll get banned now that you've let the cat out of the bag.

 

[azscoob]

Excuse me??

Hey, he needs a chuckle, and it doesnt work both ways? Be honest!
look back a few posts about why women smile while walking down the asle at their wedding...

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Excuse me??

He said "Women are like tile floors, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years"

 

[GregR]

a guy walks into his bedroom holding a duck under his arm. he looks to his wife and says, "so this is the pig I've been fvcking." his wife looks at him and says, "Honey, that's a duck." he replies, "I was talking to the duck."

 

[TomRep]

A plane is flying carrying the president, a priest and a Cub Scout as passengers. The pilot comes back wearing a parachute and carrying two more. He throws them on the floor and tells the passengers, "the plane is going down, save yourself" and jumps out. The president says to the priest and the Cub Scout, "sorry guys, but I have a whole counrty to save, so I deserve one of these", and jumps out of the plane. The Priest turns to the Scout and says, "I'm sorry son, but I have a lot of souls to save, I think I deserve the last chute." The Scout says, "don't worry we'll both be fine, the stupid bastid grabbed my backpack!"



The real joke has names and is more vulgar (better), but I didn't think i should post that here.

 

[MeadWitch]

Hey, he needs a chuckle, and it doesnt work both ways? Be honest!
look back a few posts about why women smile while walking down the asle at their wedding...

Yeah, he did need a chuckle! Seems I got the tension released a bit. lol I gotta go back and find the post on the walking down the aisle.

 

[Jester369]

Hey there, buenaventura.

Went through it a while back myself and it sucked. But on the bright side, I never would have met Red had I not gotten divorced!

Hang in there - it will get better when you least expect it

 

[northernlad]

Hang in there - it will get better when you least expect it

^^ This. All day long and twice on Sunday.
One day the pile of shyt will part and like a sunbeam from on high, the clouds will burn away.

 

[Brewkowski]

So a guy comes home and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery"

Wife: "I'd take half and leave you"

Guy: "Good, here's $12 now get out"

 

[Yuri_Rage]

The muffin joke was already taken, so here's my favorite meme of late:

 

[david_42]

Hey there, buenaventura.

Went through it a while back myself and it sucked. But on the bright side, I never would have met Red had I not gotten divorced!

Hang in there - it will get better when you least expect it

Can't imagine you would have survived if Red had been your starter wife. That's a lot of fine woman.

 

[LooyvilleLarry]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

Bravo. Bravisimo.

 

[Brutus Brewer]

Guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila.
Bartender asks "12 shots, what's the occasion?"
Guy replies "I'm celebrating my first bl*w job."
Bartender says "that's a monumental day, have another on the house!"
Guy says "no, if 12 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth 13 sure as hell won't"

 

[azscoob]

"OH MY GOD IT A DOUBLE RAINBOW!!" wow, high on life? or something else perhaps???

 

[TxBrew]

Bravo. Bravisimo.

Agreed. Excellent joke.


Now....

Where is my bike!

 

[azscoob]

Agreed. Excellent joke.


Now....

Where is my bike!

Are you rubbing yourself correctly? if properly done it only takes one to two business days to get the bike, I gotta think you aren't rubbing the right locations, or are rubbing too fast. its all about the technique.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

If you rear ended a midget, and she got out of her car and screamed "I'm not Happy!" would you have the nerve to ask "Well, which one are you then?"

 

[Ciliorozo]

If you rear ended a midget, and she got out of her car and screamed "I'm not Happy!" would you have the nerve to ask "Well, which one are you then?"

By her reaction I wouldn't ask, I'd say "I know... you're Grumpy"!

Especially since she most certainly isn't Bashful!