Getting Divorced

[Homercidal]

I enjoyed the jokes, but unfortunately (?) I am happily married and have been for about 18 years. Married at 22 to a younger lady (I used to pick her up at high school...)

Another couple I know are getting divorced after 38 years together. I think it's better to have it over and be happy with each other than to stay together and feel constant bitterness.

 

[jmendez29]

Condolences, brother. Sorry to see that anyone has to endure something so painful as a divorce. It hurt me in ways I have never felt before or since. The only thing I could offer is to keep your head high and know that it WILL be over one day and you'll be cracking jokes about it. As for dealing with it in the meantime, I'm sure that you will be arguing with your former partner.

With that in mind, don't argue with an idiot, they just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Don't get ugly with your arguments. Don't insult. Don't be mean or cruel with your comments. Be the better person, take the high road. I guarantee you that it will pay off in the end. I got divorced with two children. Despite all of her attempts to goad me into any kind of "mud slinging" argument, I refused. I even had to resort to hanging up on her from her incessant screaming on the phone. Now, I have custody of the kids and we are great friends with each other. It will be hard, but keep to it. You may think that the hurt won't end, but it will. The scars may remain if you let them, but the pain always goes away.

Best of luck.

 

[TxBrew]

Here's a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note by note ..

 

[northernlad]

My divorce was the second best thing that ever happened to me. It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I was only married to her so that I could have a daughter who is the most amazing person I know.

For me the only pain I felt was not getting to sleep in the same house as my daughter; I was DONE with her mom.

I, too, refer to my ex as my practice wife and my current one as my real wife.

I find great pleasure in throwing in a random "Kinda like my ex wife" when it will get a laugh. You know what i mean...

Whats the difference between a baby and a sandpiper? A sand piper flits along the shore.

 

[Hang Glider]

Thanks, Tx - whatever happened to Bobby McFerrin?

Buenaventura - what everyone here is telling you is true. The jokes are truisms, the feelings expressed are true - hell, I've done it twice....
And somehow everything DOES work out. hang in there! Just like an alcoholic, take it one day at a time, and live in the present.

Life is successive moments of now...now...now....now...now...now..

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

I went to the doctor and told him I needed to lose 200 pounds of ugly fat. He said you don't need a doctor, you need a divorce lawyer.

Best thing that I ever did was divorce my first wife. The other best thing i ever did was marry my second wife.

 

[azscoob]

Two muffins are sitting in the oven, the one says to the other, "man, its getting hot in here!" the other muffin says "holy **** a talking muffin!"

*crickets*

 

[buenaventura]

Thanks everyone for helping me get through day #2.

 

[neko]

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I keep having these two dreams. In one I'm a teepee and in the other I'm a wigwam. What does it mean?" The doctor says, "Relax, you're two tents."

 

[instapman]

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for christmas.....CANCER!

(the only joke I know)

Im not going to tell you about my marriage. I have never been through a divorce. I KNOW that if you pray about it..........

 

[homebeerbrewer]

...

Life is successive moments of now...now...now....now...now...now..

Or, if you're my ex-wife, it's do it now... do it now... do it now... do it now...

 

[TxBrew]

I saw two dogs having sex so I went over and asked the female dog how she liked her sex and she was all like RUFF RUFF RUFF.

 

[Bedlam]

I saw two dogs having sex so I went over and asked the female dog how she liked her sex and she was all like RUFF RUFF RUFF.

And then your kid caught you and your wife in the act and he said, "Daddy! Turn her over...I want puppies!"

ba-dum-DUM!

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

I was named in the tradition of the native Americans. The chief looks out of the teepee, and names the newborn after the first thing he sees, just like Running bear and Screaming Eagle.

Yours,
Two Dogs F#cking

 

[TomRep]

A man and wife were in their room having sex, wife on top. Their young son then walks into the room, sees them, and leaves the room. The mother, feeling awful, puts on a robe to go talk to their son. She finds him and he asks "mommy, what were you and daddy doing in there?" The mother says, "well daddys belly is getting a little big, so I was sitting on it to get it to go down." The son chuckles and says, "I wouldn't waste your time mom, when you leave the house the neighbor lady comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

 

[buenaventura]

Thanks again to everyone for contributing to this thread.

I'm taking it one f***ing day at a time. :rockin:

 

[MeadWitch]

Best thing that ever happened to me. I am myself again...

I agree with Jill, it is the best thing I could have done for myself. I have my house back, I no longer have to be a vegetarian, me and my kids once again have a democratic household, we no longer have to be perfect, etc, etc.

Hang in there, soon you will be relishing the fact that you are free to be.................

 

[jmendez29]

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I keep having these two dreams. In one I'm a teepee and in the other I'm a wigwam. What does it mean?" The doctor says, "Relax, you're two tents."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What's green and hangs from trees? Giraffe snot.

A guy goes to the grocery store and buys milk, eggs, and bread. When he puts it on the checkout belt, the girl looks at him, then his food, and back at him. She says to him, "You're single, aren't you?" The guy replies, "Why yes, I am. How did you know?" The girl says back to him, "Because you're ugly."

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

 

[MaineLotus]

Three years into a divorce, praying for an end soon. Sooo, here's my joke to contribute:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.




The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly
"

 

[DromJohn]

Rdwhahb

 

[brrman]

this thread = why I love this forum.

 

[Mischief_Brewing]

A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[TheWeeb]

did you hear the one about the queer bear who laid his paw on the table?

No? Okay, how about this one:

Dude goes to the doctor for a checkup

Doctor says "Dude, you have to stop masterbating"

Dude says "why?"

Doctor says "So I can examine you!"

 

[TxBrew]

A baby seal walks into a club...

No one would be complaining if they did it on there own. Peta isn't out to stop bug zappers. I think I'm writing to Peta.

 

[MeadWitch]

Three years into a divorce, praying for an end soon. Sooo, here's my joke to contribute:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.




The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly
"

One of the better ones I have read. lol

 

[buenaventura]

Today was the worst day of my life thus far.

In other news, thanks for the continued advice and jokes.

I would RDWHAHB but I have no HB . . . plus . . . I haven't been drinking since this thing started . . . probably a good idea since it's exactly what I want to be doing right now.

In other news, a spruced brown ale is cooling and awaiting transfer to primary as I type this . . . not all is lost.

 

[dougf]

buenaventura, hopefully you didnt let yourself go

Start working out if you already do not, you will release stress and feel better about yourself. Then you can go get a young thing to help with the pain :rockin:

 

[Hang Glider]

link to many articles

click the link, pick an article or two to convince yourself - then go find a gym - preferably one with some nice "scenery"

 

[MaineLotus]

Today was the worst day of my life thus far.

In other news, thanks for the continued advice and jokes.

I would RDWHAHB but I have no HB . . . plus . . . I haven't been drinking since this thing started . . . probably a good idea since it's exactly what I want to be doing right now.

In other news, a spruced brown ale is cooling and awaiting transfer to primary as I type this . . . not all is lost.

Hang in there. A few things that have helped me and perhaps you can use to stay in good spirits:

*Keep yourself busy, it helps to relieve stress and take your mind off things you can't control.

*Prepare for the worst and expect the unexpected. Better times will come.

*Talk with someone, a friend or family member that has been through a divorce. Only those that have experienced a divorce can relate to the pain and upheaval you're experiencing.

*Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. After three years of trying, I still am not divorced, even though there are no kids involved.

*Have some homebrew.. :cross:

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another bloke walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canie plae it,can ye?"

The octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it?.... I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off.

--------------------------------------------------

Best of luck. I agree with the work out people. That WILL make you feel better and relieve stress. I might recommend signing up for some sort of martial art. Great people (usually), good work out, and a great way to release tension/frustration/anger in a positive way.