Crap kids say

[catdaddy66]

Getting a group of daycare kids changed to go in the pool at the YMCA. You need to shower before going into the pool, and when I mentioned it about half of the kids run into the same shower stall. I tell them all to get out, because only one person is allowed in the shower at a time. A 6 year old boy looks right at me and says "But Mommy and Daddy shower together all the time!"

That's a good laugher!

 

[Steveruch]

lol, and here i thought kids were still cute, and loved their parents still, at 6 years old.....

Their parents yes, Grampy, who they haven't known all their lives, is a whole nother kettle of fish.

 

[bracconiere]

Their parents yes, Grampy, who they haven't known all their lives, is a whole nother kettle of fish.

so you're just some creepy weirdo, that smells funny...

 

[applescrap]

I have so many that I am like, yeah, need to give to that thread. Then I forget. Today my kid 8s squeezing my man ****s, in the pool. I was like stop it. He says, I am juicing oranges.

 

[501irishred]

My sister and her husband were in the middle of buying a house and were having one issue after another, dragging the process out over several months. Hauling there 4 year old daughter and there 6 year old son in the back seat, I overheard the following conversation.

Girl: Are we going to the red house or the f$&@ing house?

Boy: we're not supposed to say f$&@ing house.

Girl: why aren’t we supposed to say f$&@ing house?

Boy: I don’t know. Dad always get mad when I ask him about the f$&@ing house.

Girl: that’s what he calls it! (Busted!)

Boy: (shrugs) yep.

I’m glad to say we got to the f$&@ing house in one piece. Eyes still watering, but I’m fairly sure they never knew I had been laughing hysterically to myself for the last 30 minutes!

 

[Brew_Dude41]

My soon to be 5 yr old will go off on these "I will never, ever, ever, never ...." rants when we correct her on something minor. Nothing funny there and it actually drives my wife and I nuts--but she will grow out of it sooner or later.

Then we are walking down the street last night and pass a mother talking with her college age daughter (maybe 21-22). As we walk past we over hear the daughter saying "I will never, ever, ever, never..."

We got a few steps past before we started laughing at the exchange, and then a few steps later we stopped when it occurred that our little one might not ever out grow that. (Or should I say never, ever, ever, never grow out of it)

 

[catdaddy66]

I took my son to a high school wrestling tournament once when he was 2-2.5 years old and let him roam around with me at his heels to make sure he was safe. That day he kept glancing back at me to see if I was there and was a bit annoyed with my Dad-stealth.

Later he wanted to go to the other side of the gym and before I got up to follow him he said "You stay here. I'll be back."

LMFAO!

 

[pshankstar]

My youngest (six years old) the other day with family over for a cookout said the following just before we sat down to eat.

"Dad, your tummy looks full" and pats it. I'm not a large guy (6' 205lbs) but I could shed a few pounds. Kids say the funniest things! HAHA

 

[OpenSights]

When my son was just learning to talk the city knocked down the house across the street during breakfast so we planted him in front of the window. For about three months he would say “Tractor house down!” to everyone he saw! About the same time my wife picked him up from daycare, pulled up to a red light behind another car. The second it changed green he screamed “GO PERSON!”

Last year one of our neighbors had her new house knocked down. She basically bought the property to rebuild a handicap house.... it needed to be knocked down! We got home just in time to watch. I’m not afraid to tease my kid!

At 3 or 4, watching the music video of Fun“Some Nights” he inquisitively repeated the line “Jack my style?!!!!?”.

 

[SEndorf]

My soon to be 5 yr old will go off on these "I will never, ever, ever, never ...." rants when we correct her on something minor. Nothing funny there and it actually drives my wife and I nuts--but she will grow out of it sooner or later.

Then we are walking down the street last night and pass a mother talking with her college age daughter (maybe 21-22). As we walk past we over hear the daughter saying "I will never, ever, ever, never..."

We got a few steps past before we started laughing at the exchange, and then a few steps later we stopped when it occurred that our little one might not ever out grow that. (Or should I say never, ever, ever, never grow out of it)

We STILL have a note on our refrigerator our daughter wrote when she was 8. She's now 29.
The note is 21 years old and curling and yellowing. In her childish scrawl, she wrote:
"I will never..never..ever have a boyfrend. Boys are grose." She signed her full name, like a contract.
She's in a serious relationship with a guy I really like. Busted!

 

[bracconiere]

We STILL have a note on our refrigerator our daughter wrote when she was 8. She's now 29.
The note is 21 years old and curling and yellowing. In her childish scrawl, she wrote:
"I will never..never..ever have a boyfrend. Boys are grose." She signed her full name, like a contract.
She's in a serious relationship with a guy I really like. Busted!

and here i'm still single and saying the same about women! lol

 

[Hophunter]

Here is a good one:
Out to eat and my 6 yo goes to the bathroom. After a good long while, he comes out and with our waitresses giving us the bill he says in a loudish voice that he went and then had to “re-go to the bathroom”. Then he said, “and I had a no-wiper too”. Waitress was amused.

 

[Jayjay1976]

Those crap kids say alot of stuff, I just don't listen.

 

[Imhoppy]

Here is a good one:
Out to eat and my 6 yo goes to the bathroom. After a good long while, he comes out and with our waitresses giving us the bill he says in a loudish voice that he went and then had to “re-go to the bathroom”. Then he said, “and I had a no-wiper too”. Waitress was amused.

Hahaha, remindes me ...."It was a clean pinch-off, I didn't need any T-P".

 

[applescrap]

My son says dad i know what sax is (sounds close enough like sex). I ignore. Dad, dad, I know what sax is! (S..t hes not leaving this alone). Ok, ok, what is it?

Sax is when you go, like, to a nice restaurant and you kiss everyone's butt trying to make yourself look important. That's sax.

 

[Dave Sarber]

I was about 10 years old when my family moved to a small town in northern Minnesota.
Parents found a local church, and invited the pastor over for dinner. Parents are doing introductions, when the pastor leans over to my sister, and says "what's your name, little girl?" She pulls her thumb out of her mouth, and calmly replies "Dotty dammit".

That was more than 50 years ago, but I still get a chuckle whenever I think about it!

 

[Steveruch]

What do you say to a really cute four year old granddaughter who looks up at you with a big smile and announces, "I farted",?
You smile back, "Good one, Sweetpea."

 

[Brew_Dude41]

My 5 year old daughter drew a picture at school today and proudly presented it to my wife.
"It's you and me!" She exclaimed.
My wife admired it for a few seconds, pointed at one and asked if it was her.
"Yes!" She stated proudly that Mommy got it right. "I have long hair and yours is shorter and darker."
As my wife stood there beaming at me that it wasn't me that she drew, our daughter continued...
"And I am the skinny one, and that one is thicker, see..."
And then it was time to head upstairs to bed.

 

[501irishred]

During a recent trip to the grocery store with my 6yo daughter (Ana) and 4yo son (James), I made a new rule that I will find easy to follow. NEVER GET CASHEWS WITH KIDS IN THE CART AGAIN!!

- in voices loud enough to be heard three isles away-

James- (picks up can out the cart)

Ana: “give me those nuts James!” (grabs can)

James: “let go of my nuts Ana!!”

Ana: “Come on James, I just wanna hold them!”

James: “No! They are MY nuts, and only I can hold them!”

—————

sometimes I’m grateful to be wearing a mask around all the time......

 

[Sammy86]

Walking through a house with a real estate agent going downstairs to the basement my then three year old blurts out, "oh, f$/@ this is huge!"

Needless to say we bought the house.

 

[ehall]

when my daughter was younger I used to tell her if she didn't behave she'd get a cold hose and locked in a dark closet. I did this all the time and even one time walked her over to the entry closet. We were at the grocery store one day, she is sitting in the cart and we get to the register. There is an old lady cashier, old lady in front and an old lady behind me. She starts begging for candy and I keep telling her no. this gets to a point where I lean in real close and in a low, growling voice tell her to 'stop'. Pretty loudly she says, 'if I don't stop am I going to get a cold hose and dark closet?' I glance up and all three ladies are staring at me with looks of horror on their faces. I look back at her and say 'yes.' she stops begging and sits quietly. I was friendly with the cashier but the other 2 ladies never lost the looks of horror. When I got out to the truck I couldn't stop laughing. I told my wife when I got home and she was horrified too... 'they're going to call CPS on us!' nothing ever happened. I laugh so hard every time I think of that.

 

[tracer bullet]

My daughter's 4, and not too many nights ago after being asked to get her jammies on for like the 3rd time, said "Grrrrrrr, I just need you to be quiet, I already know everything you're going to say."

4, going on 14 I think.

 

[CKuhns]

My daughter was about 4 when we thought it would be a good idea to get her a rabbit as a pet to take care of. She was debating as to what she should name it. Her brothers 8 and 10 convinced her to name it Stu ( or Stew).

About 2 years later she came in the house after cleaning his cage, feeding and watering Stew and started hollering at both of them. I hate you, hate you, hate you!!! Stew!!! I WILL NOT EAT THAT RABBIT. They of course had been anticipating the event and could not control the laughter.

 

[501irishred]

My daughter's 4, and not too many nights ago after being asked to get her jammies on for like the 3rd time, said "Grrrrrrr, I just need you to be quiet, I already know everything you're going to say."

4, going on 14 I think.

tee

My daughter was about 4 when we thought it would be a good idea to get her a rabbit as a pet to take care of. She was debating as to what she should name it. Her brothers 8 and 10 convinced her to name it Stu ( or Stew).

About 2 years later she came in the house after cleaning his cage, feeding and watering Stew and started hollering at both of them. I hate you, hate you, hate you!!! Stew!!! I WILL NOT EAT THAT RABBIT. They of course had been anticipating the event and could not control the laughter.

I applaud your boys for an excellently played “long con/joke”. No way would I have had (now, much less at 8 or 10) the patients for that to work out naturally!

 

[Brew_Dude41]

Daughter is in kindergarten this year and the class is socially distanced and they are wearing masks.

Today, she cuts one and starts giggling. My wife stated that she 'hopes you are not doing that at school.' My daughter not missing a beat states glowingly "With masks and all spread out nobody can tell!"

No doubt she is mine.

 

[Jayjay1976]

Crap kids say what?

 

[seatazzz]

My daughter (now 30) had a couple of good ones, maybe not belly laughers but made me smile. Once when she was at her dad's, and we were talking on the phone (about 5 at the time) she says "Mommy, can you hold?" I did a double take, said "What?" again, "Can you hold?" and she proceeded to put down the phone and go ask her dad something. Flash forward to her about age 17, we're in the car, and a song comes on the radio; I don't remember the title, but I DO know it was a remake of an old Supertramp song from the early 80's, and she says "oh I love this new song!" I tell her it's a remake of an old song from my young days, and she absolutely refuses to believe me; 'Mom, this song just came out last week!!!" Still makes me laugh, and her cringe.

 

[Brew_Dude41]

One more from the now 7 year old Daughter in first grade:

Here in Central Ohio they have come up this stupid concept of cutting a pizza into squares?! Inevitability, there are a number of middle slices that have no crust to hold as you eat, and are nothing but a mess. This is by far the norm for how pizza is prepared (and ruined) here but there are a few select spot that I can go and get some properly sliced .

For my birthday my wife got a sitter for the kids and we went to one such fine establishment. After we ordered my wife starts giggling uncontrollably.

Once she composes herself, she shared that my daughter having found out where we were going had pulled her off to side and told my wife "Have them cut it into squares, it would be so funny!"

Oh she wanted to FaceTime us when came out too so she could see my face.

Admittedly, hilarious premise, but I will not be happy if she actually does it one day...

 

[501irishred]

8yo daughter was learning to rollerblade in the driveway today. At first she was overly careful but had some minor spills when she asked out loud, "why they made elbow and knee pads when they really needed butt pads" (agree).
After getting a little more sure of herself and gaining a little speed she ended up hitting the deck pretty hard. Running over, I asked her if she was alright. Here response after catching her breath... "yeah I'm ok, the concrete broke my fall"!

That's my girl!

 

[Jayjay1976]

One more from the now 7 year old Daughter in first grade:

Here in Central Ohio they have come up this stupid concept of cutting a pizza into squares?! Inevitability, there are a number of middle slices that have no crust to hold as you eat, and are nothing but a mess. This is by far the norm for how pizza is prepared (and ruined) here but there are a few select spot that I can go and get some properly sliced .

For my birthday my wife got a sitter for the kids and we went to one such fine establishment. After we ordered my wife starts giggling uncontrollably.

Once she composes herself, she shared that my daughter having found out where we were going had pulled her off to side and told my wife "Have them cut it into squares, it would be so funny!"

Oh she wanted to FaceTime us when came out too so she could see my face.

Admittedly, hilarious premise, but I will not be happy if she actually does it one day...

Middle slices are for winners.