Crap kids say

[catdaddy66]

Pretty sharp. If "No" was your favorite word you'd have to say "Yes".

Exactly what I was thinking!

 

[firerat]

My 2.5 year old little girl had a Dr's appointment at 8AM on a Saturday (because my wife loves me).

I was pretty tired when the nurse came in and started the nurse questions.

Without missing a beat my little girl looks at the nurse and says: ,"no, not before daddy has coffee. Too much questions before coffee."

 

[catdaddy66]

Once when my son was four and playing videogames at the neighbors house he passed gas. I said "What do you say, buddy?" His reply was epic...

"Accuse me!"

 

[Lefou]

Once when my son was four and playing videogames at the neighbors house he passed gas. I said "What do you say, buddy?" His reply was epic...

"Accuse me!"

At my house it was the "monkey see, monkey do" game. I would be crude and rude and the kid would laugh.
Like I said, she was a fast learner and tried the same thing a few moments later but ended up with a "prairie dog" in her pants on the second attempt. It wasn't as funny as the first try. The look of realization and utter panic on her face was priceless as she hobbled off to get mom.
I was rolling.
These days you would call something like that a teaching moment. If I recall correctly she never tried it again.

 

[Still Brewn]

We were 1200 miles from home for a wedding, my youngest, about 5 at the time needed shoes to be the ring bearer in a wedding so we were in a department store. Being as tired as I was from 24 hours of driving with kids my alertness was not where it should be and my middle son (7) thinks it is time to play hide and seek and takes off. When the wife and I realize he is missing she heads to the toy section and I head to the front doors. I wander around the department's near the doors, all the wwhile keeping my eyes on the doors. After a few minutes the wife hasn't come back with him and I'm getting a little panicky and as I start heading to someone with access to an intercom I hear a giggle coming from a clothes rack I'm passing. I find him pick him up and am give him a big old hug then explain the reasons why he shouldn't do that..... I have obviously lost his attention because the next thing I hear from him is "ooohhh Sexy womaaaannn!" In a voice loud enough for everyone within 50 feet to hear which of course they do including the woman in the bikini and see through wrap she has around her waist. She responds with a big ol grin and winks at him. I respond with an apology and a face red enough to set the place on fire. She is about 10 years younger than me maybe mid 20's and says "no apology necessary" smiles and says "Damn, you two are cute" and winks again but at me.. At this point the only thing I can think of is getting the hell out of that store before anything else happens. I thank her and head to the toy department Where I relay the entire incident to the wife which of course becomes the story of the weekend.

 

[balrog]

All I get from my (now grown) kids is sheer, utterly incendiary bare truth --
When the younger daughter was 6, explaining a team mate's family, said "well her parents are old, I mean, not *OLD* like you Daddy"

I think I was 40 something at the time. I've never recovered. Now get off my lawn!

 

[S-Met]

From a kid that came through work:
You don't always poop when you pee, but you always pee when you poo!

 

[deere322]

Daughter was about 4 at the time. We're up north at a friends cabin and went on a pontoon ride, she loved it.
We got back and 10 minutes later she says to my buddy - "can we go on another pooton ride?"

 

[mikeasu]

Both from my now 13- year old, but when he was oh, 3 or so.

1) Me: "Christopher, it's my way or the highway!!!"
Him: "THE HIGHWAY" Perfect context, just floored me.

2) In his "tell everyone he loves them" phase, heard as I was sitting in the other room:
*Toilet Flushes*
"Bye bye big poop...I love you!!!"

He was requesting Van Halen in the car at that age, so I must've done SOME things right...

 

[lump42]

My son (2.5) just started referring to, as my wife puts it, larger people as 'squishy'....

 

[catdaddy66]

My son (2.5) just started referring to, as my wife puts it, larger people as 'squishy'....

Ya know, we ARE kinda squishy... Lol!

 

[applescrap]

Haha,my kids grab me and go, squishy!

 

[bleme]

My sister was about 5 when she told one of the ladies at church that she liked sitting next to her, because she was fat too. After church my mom explain to her how stuff like that can hurt people's feelings, even when you don't mean it in a bad way. The next week my sister went up to the lady and told her "I'm sorry for saying you were fat, you just look that way".

 

[benco]

One of my best friends was at Church and the preacher invited a few kids up on stage and started asking them different questions. He asked his son( young) what does your father like to do on Sunday afternoon? Watch football and drink beer!

 

[Brew_Dude41]

He was requesting Van Halen in the car at that age, so I must've done SOME things right...

Last year when she was three my daughter heard some Ozzy as we going somewhere. For weeks after that it was "put on tears" (no more tears) everytime we got in the car, many times crying when I wasn't able to do it.

Once, I was able to find 'war pigs' playing on a station but she was having none of that....

 

[str1p3s]

When my daughter was still in diapers and we were trying to start potty training, she went behind the chair which is wear she would go to poop in her diaper.

I said "Emma, if you need to poop you need to go sit on the potty".

She said, "Ok Daddy, right after I'm done pooping!"

 

[Soulshine2]

My mom grew up very poor, the family was invited to a friends house for dinner, her brother was digging in, both elbows on the table... Her dad says, Bobby you don't have to eat so fast, Bobby then said, but daddy, you told us to eat all we can while it's free

True story

just when you thought they weren't listening.

 

[Still Brewn]

We were at a very nice restaraunt in Florida with 25 or so family members from all over the country. My brother doesn't drink beer and always said beer is for pu$$!e$.... My youngest, 4 at the time, obviously overheard this and without missing a beat when I asked what kind of beer they had repeated what he heard. Of course it was loud enough for everyone in the place to hear and with the amount of laughter you would have thought we were in a comedy club.
Breaks the heart a little even though he had no idea what he was saying. He is 23 now and can't get enough of my beer.

 

[Toy4Rick]

My wife and I were out for drinks with another couple. We were all drinking a Scorpion out of a large clam shell using 4 straws. The clam shell was lined with fruit on skewers. The band was very loud... about half way in, my wife and I started fighting over the fruit, I grabbed the last maraschino cherry, my wife yells... (band goes silent at the wrong time) YOU ATE MY CHERRY...

You could have heard a pin drop

 

[Still Brewn]

Nothing better than that! Gotta love it when they embarrass themselves instead of you.

 

[CKuhns]

My boys were about 3 and 5. I would come home from work and holler "It's time to beat the children" and we would tickle, rough and tumble for a few minutes. On Sundays it was announced that "it`s Sunday and it`s beat the children for no reason day."

One Sunday after church we were in a Target and the 5 year old looks at the 3 year old and tells him "It`s Sunday" They both immediately take off running through the store and hollering "don`t beat us daddy!" at the top of their lungs.

Fortunately it was 30 years ago and the police were not called, nor were cell phones available to record the chaos. The event to this day makes us all chuckle a bit when brought up.

 

[Steveruch]

I was watching the grandkids last night when mom and dad went shopping. The six year old asks me, "Will you be dead when you turn 100?"

 

[Still Brewn]

My boys were about 3 and 5. I would come home from work and holler "It's time to beat the children" and we would tickle, rough and tumble for a few minutes. On Sundays it was announced that "it`s Sunday and it`s beat the children for no reason day."

One Sunday after church we were in a Target and the 5 year old looks at the 3 year old and tells him "It`s Sunday" They both immediately take off running through the store and hollering "don`t beat us daddy!" at the top of their lungs.

Fortunately it was 30 years ago and the police were not called, nor were cell phones available to record the chaos. The event to this day makes us all chuckle a bit when brought up.

Reminds me of the time!

So it is before school. I went to the post office with my kids to collect payments that should be there fro the cleaning business i owned. There are several so on the way to drop my oldest at school (6 at the time) I decide to take them to the bank on the way. I decide to go in because it will be easier and because there was also a mistake on my statement that came..... ha, ha, ha on me! We get out of the car and go to the doors. I open the doors for them to go in. As soon as I get the door open they start running like demon spawn toward the counters because they remember the suckers they always get from the ladies behind the counters. My first reaction to my boys running off at light speed in a lobby that is roughly 60 feet by 120 feet and filled with people? Now mind you, I have a very deep voice that makes James Earl Jones sound like a soprano.




I yell freeze.... Nothing else just freeze. My kids of course stop on a dime, the place goes silent but it doesn't occur to me what I just did for several seconds even with 50 to 100 people turning to look at who has come to f.up their day and still doesn't until I see papers landing on the floor that have fallen from the second floor balcony to the floor of the lobby. Of course the lady I need to see about the error on my statement is amongst a group of them on balcony one of which dropped the papers. So now my face is as red as a baboons a$$ and my head feels like it could start a campfire on wet wood from the heat coming off of it. I calmly snap my fingers and point to the ground next to me. The boys get next to me and I calmly walk to the papers that have fallen from the balcony, pick them up and walk to the nearest stairs to talk to someone. I quietly apologize to the lady I need to see and ask if she has a minute. Needless to say, the boys did not get their suckers and I quit going to that branch with my kids. But let me tell you when I went to go get a loan for my next business venture we had a good laugh at the bank.

 

[Beernik]

My daughter (6ish at the time) went through a phase where she thought it would be fun to say, “Love you, _____” and insert a random food instead of a name.

So normally it would be like “Love you, cupcake”, “Love you, banana” or “Love you, ice cream.”

We were leaving my folks house one night and she said to my dad, “Love you, cracker.”

 

[bracconiere]

The six year old asks me, "Will you be dead when you turn 100?"

should have scared her and said, "way before that!"

 

[Murphys_Law]

My wife volunteers in the kids ministry at our church and works with the special needs children. There is a boy with autism, he’s around 6 I think, and he is afraid of the dark.

The other kids were turning the lights on and off and he yelled, “turn on those f&$king lights!”

She said it was one of those moments when you want to both laugh and be horrified at the same time!

 

[Robert65]

My wife volunteers in the kids ministry at our church and works with the special needs children. There is a boy with autism, he’s around 6 I think, and he is afraid of the dark.

The other kids were turning the lights on and off and he yelled, “turn on those f&$king lights!”

She said it was one of those moments when you want to both laugh and be horrified at the same time!

That autistic kid can't help that he can't modulate behavior for appropriateness. The other kids -- and their parents -- have no such excuse. Hope everyone finds a better way forward from this experience.

 

[Steveruch]

should have scared her and said, "way before that!"

Wouldn't have scared her.

 

[bracconiere]

Wouldn't have scared her.

lol, and here i thought kids were still cute, and loved their parents still, at 6 years old.....

 

[Novacor]

Getting a group of daycare kids changed to go in the pool at the YMCA. You need to shower before going into the pool, and when I mentioned it about half of the kids run into the same shower stall. I tell them all to get out, because only one person is allowed in the shower at a time. A 6 year old boy looks right at me and says "But Mommy and Daddy shower together all the time!"