Crap kids say

[Hophunter]

Sitting at the dinner table and my six year old asks for a thousand dollars for something. So I attempt to make it an educational talk about the value of money and how we have to work to earn the money for the nice things we have.

At this point he tells me that I need a better job and could sell apples to make the $1000. The wife and I attempted to course correct but it was fruitless. As we’re attempting to explain on his level, I see him lose interest and stare at the window. When asked if he’s listening, he tells me he saw something jumping outside, “maybe a cat”.

 

[applescrap]

"That kid over there is cussing"
"Who"
"That motherf...... over there"

"I didn't hit him, I was doing karate"


My son tells my father in law, that he is going to move to London. Then when he gets his break, he is going to Las vegas.

 

[applescrap]

Sitting at the dinner table and my six year old asks for a thousand dollars for something. So I attempt to make it an educational talk about the value of money and how we have to work to earn the money for the nice things we have.

At this point he tells me that I need a better job and could sell apples to make the $1000. The wife and I attempted to course correct but it was fruitless. As we’re attempting to explain on his level, I see him lose interest and stare at the window. When asked if he’s listening, he tells me he saw something jumping outside, “maybe a cat”.

Haha, great thread starter. I will have to remember that when myboss is talking to me. Sorry, I just saw a cat out there.

 

[Hophunter]

Kid has the attention span of a flea.

 

[matt_m]

My wife: "What are you wearing for pants?"
Kid: "What do you mean pants?"

 

[MaxStout]

This one from my then 6-year-old nephew several years ago gave me a smile.

Nephew invited his grandmother to mass. Nephew asks grandma if she wants to get in line for communion. "I'm not Catholic, so I'll wait here in the pews while you go through," said grandma. Nephew: "What? Don't ya' want a chip and a little something to drink?"

 

[pvpeacock]

We went to a Catholic funeral and my youngest son got in line for communion before I could stop him. When he came back to sit down with me, I explained that we were not Catholic and he should not have taken communion. He either should have stayed seated with me or crossed him arms when he got to the front of the line. He looked at me and said, "but dad, I was hungry."

 

[Toy4Rick]

My mom grew up very poor, the family was invited to a friends house for dinner, her brother was digging in, both elbows on the table... Her dad says, Bobby you don't have to eat so fast, Bobby then said, but daddy, you told us to eat all we can while it's free

True story

 

[soccerdad]

I .. could sell apples to make the $1000. .... attempted to course correct but it was fruitless.

I see what you did there.

 

[OnePlate]

My daughter is 2 1/2 and she has my wife's personality already so I can't wait to hear what kind of **** she says.

 

[lump42]

My son (2.5) asked me the other day where I got my nipples from. I told him I was born with them and asked where he got his. He told me that Santa brought them to him and he put them on with magic tape....

 

[bleme]

My 4th grader had to do a report on California Missions so we were on our way to visit Mission San Miguel when my Kindergartner asks, "What is a mission anyway?"

I explain that, "The missions were built a long time ago to teach the Indians how to be Christians."

She ponders that for a few minutes then says, "So pastor used to be an Indian?"

 

[grampamark]

I have a daughter, 39, a son, 43, and 4 grandsons, 1, 4, 16, and 19. There ain’t enough bandwidth...

Recent example-the 4 YO was at our house and had to pee. Gramma went with him (his accuracy sucks). She asked if he wanted some TP to wipe the drop off the tip. He said “Gramma! I’m a guy. Guys don’t wipe, they shake”.

 

[SEndorf]

When my son was about 4 or 5 he came downstairs, upset, saying, "I wanna die!" I wanna die!"
I was shocked and disturbed and tried to calmly ask him why he wants to die.
After several attempts of miscommunication, I finally found out he was playing a board game upstairs and lost the die.
Kudos for him at a young age to know there is one "die" and two "dice".
A few added grey hairs on that one...….

 

[Lefou]

I played "steal the french fry" game with my small daughter years ago when we were eating out.
Got her attention and pointed at something to make her look away for a moment, then made an obvious move to steal one of her fries as she looked on in consternation.
A fast learner, she tried the same joke on me a moment later and I played along. She made no pretense at even being sneaky and grabbed a whole handful of fries, then laughed at me.

Does anyone else know what it's like to be owned by a two year old?

 

[Lefou]

Haha, great thread starter. I will have to remember that when my boss is talking to me. Sorry, I just saw a cat out there.

That's a variation on the "oh look, a squirrel" routine. Love it.
My boss once told me I needed to learn how to multi-task. I told him I was a linear thinker who prioritized and doing three or four things halfway wasn't as effective as doing one at a time well.
He wasn't convinced.

 

[Hophunter]

First parent teacher conference for my oldest son’s kindergarten I had the fortune of going it alone. Most of what I was hearing was not new information to me until...
The teacher said that one day, my son was standing there looking at her oddly. She asks what’s wrong. He turns sideways and asks her if she can tell that his peepee is sticking up.

 

[Toy4Rick]

my son, playing baseball at about the age of 5 or 6, heading into the batters box, re-arranging his.... stuff. I hollered, leave it alone, he turns and says, "but dad, it's stuck to my leg".... mic drop

 

[pvpeacock]

When my sons were young, they asked me why my wife and I always said they were half me and half their mom. Of course, they insisted they were 100% their mom because they came out of her tummy. I could hear my wife inside my head saying "teaching moment," so I started to explain in very high level terms about the birds and bees and sperm and eggs without any details about how the sperm and eggs meet. My sons were freaked out and yelled at me to stop. Then one of them asked me if you had to go to the hospital to have the sperm and eggs come together. I said no, and they yelled at me stop again. Finally, one of my sons said he had one more question and sheepishly asked, "does it hurt?"

 

[Beardless]

My 2.5 year old wanted to play outside right as I walked through the door from work. I said “ok let me get a drink first”. As I walked over to the refrigerator intending to get some iced tea, she told me “Stop daddy. Stop. Out there for your drink. Daddy’s drink is out there.” Pointing to the garage where the homebrew fridge lives... Not sure if I should take offense or remember that she is my favorite.

(Ya know you’re a home brewer when?)

 

[Dgallo]

So this year I had one of my students( a 6th grader) give his much older sister one of the best dis’s I’ve ever heard. In this, back ground info is key. My student is extremely bright, one of those kids that if he is given the right support and possesses the right amount of self discipline, could truly do exceptional things. His older sister.... can’t say the same. Our building boarders a river and that topic is how the exchange started.

Sister: it’s so hot today I wish o could just jump off our roof into the ocean.

Brother: So your going to jump off and fly to the ocean?

Sister: the ocean is right behind the school. Dumbie

Brother: ummm that’s a river...

Sister: well it flows to the ocean, so it’s part of the ocean.

Brother: and you called me dumb... Kids like you are the reason they say our school system is failing....

I literally started laughing out loud. I mean he wasn’t wrong lol

 

[Mike@M]

My 4 yr old grandson was picking at my Chihuahua one day and she latched on to his hand and mouthed him but didn’t bite down hard. I asked him if she bit him and he said
“ Naw papa she just licked me with her teeth”

 

[Brew_Dude41]

Proud father of a 4 year girl and triplet 2 year old boys.(I apologize for the long delivery)
Over the winter our daughter wanted to help with bath time one night. Now, when you have to bathe 3 small boys who don't yet listen to instructions, this was a tag team effort for us. Typically my wife would post up at the tub and take care of the bath, I did all the rest.
Worked pretty well for us, I could drop #1 off, grab #2 and get him stripped and into the tub as #1 was finished. Then 1 would get dried/dress, grab 3 and strip him, and repeat the cycle...
Well, my daughter got posted at one end of the tub and gets to hand my wife the washcloth and soap as needed, and she is super excited to help. I drop off boy one and go get #2.
As I am changing #2 out of his diaper, I hear the following exchange between my daughter and wife in the bathroom:
Daughter "Oh look, it moving!"
Wife "That happens at times dear,"
Daughter "mine fell off a long time ago, didn't it?"
(Now I am chuckling to myself trying anticipate her response)
Wife (goes full nurse mode)"no honey, he is a boy, and that is his penis. You are a girl an you have a vagina. You were born with what you have, and he was born with what he has..."

I now swoop in and swap #1 with #2 . I no sooner get through the door and I hear my daughter start down the path again. Mom stays the course and continues the bath.

I now swap the third in and have luckily reached the changing table before my Daughter's next observation reaches me...

"Awwwee, he's got a little baby one!"

Poor fella...

 

[catdaddy66]

One Easter morning when my son was 3 we got up to make breakfast. As I began to get the coffee machine ready my son reached for the scoop. All I could think was having coffee grounds spilled everywhere, so I said "No, let me do that, buddy." As I was pouring the water in he attempted to do it again so I said "What did I say?" He sighed, then admitted "you said no. Is that your favorite word??"

I laughed so hard! Had to let him do it after that... He did great.

 

[The_Professor]

".....you said no. Is that your favorite word??"

Pretty sharp. If "No" was your favorite word you'd have to say "Yes".

 

[whovous]

Took my four year old daughter to an art fair. On entering the booth of the first artist she reported:
"This isn't art. It's scribbling."

 

[Robert65]

If those last two kids put their heads together, we're all toast.

 

[applescrap]

We were going to our friends wedding. Two women. My 5 year old says "so, if there are two brides and no groom, is there still cake?

 

[day_trippr]

^legit question^

 

[applescrap]

Haha, yeah the bride said he has his priorities straight.

 

[catdaddy66]

Pretty sharp. If "No" was your favorite word you'd have to say "Yes".

Exactly what I was thinking!

 

[firerat]

My 2.5 year old little girl had a Dr's appointment at 8AM on a Saturday (because my wife loves me).

I was pretty tired when the nurse came in and started the nurse questions.

Without missing a beat my little girl looks at the nurse and says: ,"no, not before daddy has coffee. Too much questions before coffee."

 

[catdaddy66]

Once when my son was four and playing videogames at the neighbors house he passed gas. I said "What do you say, buddy?" His reply was epic...

"Accuse me!"

 

[Lefou]

Once when my son was four and playing videogames at the neighbors house he passed gas. I said "What do you say, buddy?" His reply was epic...

"Accuse me!"

At my house it was the "monkey see, monkey do" game. I would be crude and rude and the kid would laugh.
Like I said, she was a fast learner and tried the same thing a few moments later but ended up with a "prairie dog" in her pants on the second attempt. It wasn't as funny as the first try. The look of realization and utter panic on her face was priceless as she hobbled off to get mom.
I was rolling.
These days you would call something like that a teaching moment. If I recall correctly she never tried it again.

 

[Still Brewn]

We were 1200 miles from home for a wedding, my youngest, about 5 at the time needed shoes to be the ring bearer in a wedding so we were in a department store. Being as tired as I was from 24 hours of driving with kids my alertness was not where it should be and my middle son (7) thinks it is time to play hide and seek and takes off. When the wife and I realize he is missing she heads to the toy section and I head to the front doors. I wander around the department's near the doors, all the wwhile keeping my eyes on the doors. After a few minutes the wife hasn't come back with him and I'm getting a little panicky and as I start heading to someone with access to an intercom I hear a giggle coming from a clothes rack I'm passing. I find him pick him up and am give him a big old hug then explain the reasons why he shouldn't do that..... I have obviously lost his attention because the next thing I hear from him is "ooohhh Sexy womaaaannn!" In a voice loud enough for everyone within 50 feet to hear which of course they do including the woman in the bikini and see through wrap she has around her waist. She responds with a big ol grin and winks at him. I respond with an apology and a face red enough to set the place on fire. She is about 10 years younger than me maybe mid 20's and says "no apology necessary" smiles and says "Damn, you two are cute" and winks again but at me.. At this point the only thing I can think of is getting the hell out of that store before anything else happens. I thank her and head to the toy department Where I relay the entire incident to the wife which of course becomes the story of the weekend.

 

[balrog]

All I get from my (now grown) kids is sheer, utterly incendiary bare truth --
When the younger daughter was 6, explaining a team mate's family, said "well her parents are old, I mean, not *OLD* like you Daddy"

I think I was 40 something at the time. I've never recovered. Now get off my lawn!

 

[S-Met]

From a kid that came through work:
You don't always poop when you pee, but you always pee when you poo!

 

[deere322]

Daughter was about 4 at the time. We're up north at a friends cabin and went on a pontoon ride, she loved it.
We got back and 10 minutes later she says to my buddy - "can we go on another pooton ride?"

 

[mikeasu]

Both from my now 13- year old, but when he was oh, 3 or so.

1) Me: "Christopher, it's my way or the highway!!!"
Him: "THE HIGHWAY" Perfect context, just floored me.

2) In his "tell everyone he loves them" phase, heard as I was sitting in the other room:
*Toilet Flushes*
"Bye bye big poop...I love you!!!"

He was requesting Van Halen in the car at that age, so I must've done SOME things right...

 

[lump42]

My son (2.5) just started referring to, as my wife puts it, larger people as 'squishy'....